Stuck

[seymourfaith]

Hi guys,

I really appreciate all of you on this forum. It is a comfort to read that I am not alone and even more of a comfort to see people still walking with the Lord with this beast of OCD. I often struggle with the thought, "Someone with a mind like mine cannot be a Christian."

I am writing because I'm frustrated. I keep getting caught in the same cycle and I feel like no one understands me. I believe I have OCD but also believe we have a fierce enemy. But how can I stand up to it when I go through these periods of intense doubt (OCD) and darkness? It's like I feel good, encouraged, close to God for 3 or 4 days, then WHAM! All the anxiety and the thoughts just come rushing back and overwhelm me and I feel like God has left me or is even mad at me. (Sometimes I even get angry with him!) I honestly feel like 2 entirely different people! When things are going good I tell myself, "the anxiety will come back, be ready for it." But I always fall flat on my face. Every time.

The part I'm struggling with is I don't think I can help it but others think I can. I feel like it's OCD, and I can't help but be anxious when all the doubt, guilt and fear roll back in because my body has an imbalance that causes anxiety. I just get sucked in. At these times it is hard to receive comfort from Truth even. The only time I seem to feel better is when I talk to someone (reassurance) or read something encouraging (which have become compulsions). But I don't want an "OCD" relationship with God. I don't want to seek Him/His Word just to 'keep the bad thoughts and feelings away' but that is what I'm doing. Everything I do is an effort to get them to go away. I even listen to praise & worship to try to prove to myself that I still love Jesus. I am constantly analyzing my thoughts and my feelings toward Christ. I often find myself filled with unbelief, doubt or plain indifference (His death and to the cross). And when the bad, unbelieving thoughts come back I feel like I've failed or didn't try hard enough or didn't take my stand. But can I help it? What can I be doing differently? What has worked for you?

I do not believe I can 'help' getting this anxious and filled with fear. I am confused and don't know who the enemy is. I feel like it is my mind (which causes much self-loathing). Many tell me this is spiritual warfare. I guess it's both. Because I'm back on meds and all, but this just doesn't seem to be getting any better. I'm always questioning if I have "enough faith" and 'double-checking' to see if I still believe. Sometimes I am so tempted to give up on Christianity because, as pathetic as it sounds, it's easier to just stay down than to keep fluctuating on this emotional roller coaster. I just want these feelings to go away =(

Thanks for listening...

 

[kaykay9.0]

Sounds like the classic OCD roller coaster ride to me. Yes, you can see from this forum that many of us struggle with the same type of issues. Are you getting any professional help for your OCD? If not, I would strongly advise it. Not generally a total pancea but it definitely helps. Praying for you~

 

[Elvenkind]

You talk about cycles, like with 3-4 days with good and suddenly it changes. I would mention this to your doctor if you are going back on meds, periodic mood disturbances that turns into lots of ocd, anxiety, depression(?).

Hope you feel better soon.

 

[shelovesChrist]

It's hard. We have found ourselves in a confusing situation, painful situaiton, and sometimes we don't know what is going on. But God knows. And He has kept us, even if we feel like we are perishing, in this situation. We could have gave up. We could have allowed the thoughts to take over. We could have chose other roads but we are trying our best to continue to walk toward Him. I know what you mean by you don't want to have an OCD relationship with Him but pray for a better relationship with Him, one built off of love and not fear. and as painful as it is for me to say this, these thoughts triggered a lot of good things as well. I became saved and baptized and filled with the Holy Spirit, not out of fear, but because these thoughts came out of no where and I ran to the Lord and realized how far I had slid in sin and got back on track. Now although they come, I trust that He is just and wouldnt condemn us for something we hate and dont want and that He is merciful to if we said something bad against Him or thought something bad against Him and confess it and repent, He will forgive us. It's not easy and sometimes it's draining. But keep the faith in the Lord and give Him your burdens. Our peace is in Him John 16: 33. Not in others, not in the world, but in Him. That's where we find our peace. Sometimes I feel confused and all over the place but I know that no matter what happens we have new mercies everyday and I know I'm not going anywhere because He told me I can't be plucked. So no matter how bad the storm gets, trust in His word, not your feelings and He will manifest it to you. Praying.

 

[gracealone]

HI Seymour,
Your situation is all too familiar to me and to many others here. I want to address each of your questions as to what has helped me. I won't, however be offering reassurances to you in regard to the OCD obsessions as I know that would be counter productive to really helping you with the disorder.
I believe I have OCD but also believe we have a fierce enemy.
So do I - but I don't believe that OCD is a different kind of or special type of satanic attack compared to other types of real illnesses and afflictions. OCD is a real illness/disorder. Therefore it absolutely must be treated as such.
But how can I stand up to it when I go through these periods of intense doubt (OCD) and darkness?
In the same way any one who is afflicted stands. The mental pain may be incredibly intense but it can no way interfere with our free will to obey and follow Christ. "Though He slay me - yet will I trust Him. I will walk His path even when every step is painful because there is no other path that offers hope."
The part I'm struggling with is I don't think I can help it but others think I can. I feel like it's OCD, and I can't help but be anxious when all the doubt, guilt and fear roll back in because my body has an imbalance that causes anxiety.
That is exactly right. Both the thoughts and the intense anxiety are uncontrolled events. The anxiety grabs onto the thoughts and makes a big huge hairy deal out of them. Your brain is over primed to over react to them. You cannot help that.
The only time I seem to feel better is when I talk to someone (reassurance) or read something encouraging (which have become compulsions). But I don't want an "OCD" relationship with God. I don't want to seek Him/His Word just to 'keep the bad thoughts and feelings away' but that is what I'm doing. Everything I do is an effort to get them to go away. I even listen to praise & worship to try to prove to myself that I still love Jesus. I am constantly analyzing my thoughts and my feelings toward Christ. I often find myself filled with unbelief, doubt or plain indifference (His death and to the cross). And when the bad, unbelieving thoughts come back I feel like I've failed or didn't try hard enough or didn't take my stand. But can I help it? What can I be doing differently? What has worked for you?
The compulsive reassurance seeking is within the realm of your control - it's just that it's horribly hard to stop that activity because as you said it brings us temporary relief. You must give up on the idea that the thoughts won't come back. When they come you have to acknowledge them - "there's my OCD obsession", expect the anxious response, "there goes my fight or flight response into hyper drive.... this really stinks", and then... do your level best to ignore and turn your attention to something else.
If your medication isn't helping dampen down some of the anxiety response ask to try something else or make sure that you've been taking it long enough to feel it's benefits. I had to try several different meds. until I found a combination that helped me to do the therapy.
I do not believe I can 'help' getting this anxious and filled with fear.
When the chemisty is severely imbalanced you absolutely can't help that.
I am confused and don't know who the enemy is. I feel like it is my mind (which causes much self-loathing). Many tell me this is spiritual warfare. I guess it's both.
It's your brain - not your character or your heart's desires. Would you loathe your heart if it wasn't functioning properly?
Again it's spiritual warfare in the same way that Job's trial of ill health and loss was spiritual warfare and Paul's thorn was spiritual warfare and Joseph's imprisonment was spiritual warfare. Yet in each and every one of these circumstances God was glorified. "What Satan meant for evil God has turned into good."
If you haven't already read it I recommend Bunyan's book - "Grace abounding to the chief of sinners." If you haven't learned how to practice ERP you need to find a therapist who can teach you to do it effectively and consistently. You should even learn to do active/chosen exposure in regard to the thoughts in order to desensitize your brain to them. I find that kind of therapy to be the most powerful.
Here's a small example of what active/chosen exposure looks like.
The other day I had an OCD "health" episode about my vision. I had an aura that came back two days in a row and caused a blind spot in my vision for a span of a half hour. My anxiety really started to spike about it and I immediately felt the need to look for reassurance in regard to it. So I went online. "ARRRGH!!" That made me feel so much worse because even though I read a lot of encouraging things, my OCD picked out only the scary possibilities. I was giving my anxiety response so much validation by engaging in that internet checking mission. Suddenly due to the intense level of anxiety I realized I was feeding my OCD and said, "what are you doing you knucklehead? You know better than this!" I slammed my computer shut and began to engage immediately in "active/chosen" exposure. I started to tell myself things like... "well this likely means something far worse than a detached retina, it's probably a brain tumor, or some sort of eye cancer. You'll probably have to have that eye removed and get a glass one to replace it or wear an eye patch for the rest of your life. Oh well...(big sigh... letting go...) what is, is. Nothing to do but wait and see (or not see...), what happens. Meanwhile guess I better get back to cleaning the house - hubby has men's Bible study here tonight. I don't have time to obsess about this right now. Wonder if I could start up a line of fashionable eye patches."
Active exposure in regard to my "religious" OCD has been very hard to do but it has helped me tremendously. God knows that I'm treating my illness when I do it so I refuse to let the OCD keep me from doing it.
Learn all you can about how to use ERP effectively and make the choice to use it to treat your OCD.
Meanwhile... I'm praying for you.
Mitzi

 

[Christian-Catholic]

Seymour, I am going through the same exact thing you are my friend. I have been shaking in my bed for 6 months, on the verge of suicide and fighting the thoughts of unbelief each and every day. IM also shaking during prayer. Like Mitzi is saying when it has gotten this bad it isnt your fault my friend. I also have been trying to get reassurance from thing slike watching lee Strobel's video etc etc.

What I was also told by a friend is that when your holding on during the storm of confusion, darkness, numbness and despair this is actually when you have much more faith then you or anyone else ever thought you had. You should talk to your doctor about changing up or trying a new med.

Please pm me if you ever need to talk. I know what you are going through believe me, and Mitzi is a smart one. She really knows what she is saying

 

[seymourfaith]

Thank you guys for your responses and thank you, Mitzi, for sharing so much detailed help.

Many people on this forum seem to advocate not fighting against the thoughts, but letting them run through. How do you know the balance between when it's time to take a thought captive by countering it with Scripture and ignoring it? How does exposure response therapy work when the thoughts you get hit with are thoughts that you don't believe anymore? It is so frightening I'm afraid they're true...because I really don't feel like I am believing. I can be reading Scripture and think, "I don't believe this..."

When the thoughts are in direct opposition to Scripture (I think God has left me or I'm not saved anymore or I don't believe this anymore) I don't want to let such thoughts go unchallenged. But the more concerned I get, the worse it gets. I struggle with the balance here, especially considering how we're told to 'handle' our thoughts in Scripture. When do we fight back? And when do we fight back with Scripture? It seems like a lose-lose for me. When I use Scripture, sometimes I feel better for a minute or two, but it all comes right back. But when I don't, I feel like I'm letting myself get pummeled!

Please help...I'm SO tired! So exhausted from fighting all day long.

 

[Christian-Catholic]

Seymour, What meds are you on? You might wanna consider telling your therapist that they are not working. Maybe he can get you to experiment with something else.

Gosh how I wished that we all lived in the same town as we could all then be there physically for each other. The OCD is counting on you fighting back. Right now im in the same exact situation and it feels like a living nightmare. For me the one thing that helps alot is that I backtrack to when this feeling started and I see that it logically doesnt make sense for me to feel like this, but then I understand that the waves and thoughts of feelings are going to come backa nd they are gonna try to TURN me against myself and make it look like they arent even trying to do that (that its actually me).

Have you shared this with anyone in your family or your pastor? I think that could really help you also. Please post here or pm me anytime you are going through this. Dont keep this to yourself, The folks here at CF have become like a family to me.

Just wanted to add that for the first month of this I was so bad off that I couldnt even go to bed by myself, so I understand how this feels like there is no end in sight.

You just have been added to my prayer list sheet

 

[shelovesChrist]

Sometimes the thoughts are lies, for me, like recently Ive had thoughts acting like God, telling me He has left me. And I know at first I was like, wait what, but I know it isn't true because He told me He would never leave me and the Spirit of truth abides with me always. The other day I was sitting on the bench sad and I thought came and said I have no forsaken you. And I knew that was from Him because it aligned up with His word. So I just remember those instances I spent listening to Him and when those lies come, I think back to what He's told me and find peace. Sometimes they hit you one after the other and sometimes you just have to turn the volume down on them, because they dont matter. I'm praying for you and like CC said, i really wish we could be there physically for one another, but I have no doubt that one day when we are all in the kingdom we will meet and be so happy =] Praying for you all.

 

[shelovesChrist]

John 16: 33 , Because He overcame, we can, He is greater than all that is against us, He rose with ALL power, not some, but ALL