stuck - just can't get over it

[shadowgem]

Hi,
i'm so depressed. I haven't posted here before, but i keep thinking about suicide and my faith is very low.
I just can't seem to get over the upbringing i had and can't understand why some people have loving and supportive families and why some people don't.
i've tried to understand my childhood and i guess its best described as dysfunctional with emotional neglect/abuse, some bullying plus a lot of rejection etc. In contrast my mum had two more children with my stepfather who were supported and had affection and love, plus my dad went on to have two more children who were also supported in a new relationship. I suppose I fell between two families - neither included me completely and this situation encouraged me to leave home as soon as i could and drop out of education because it was so painful.
Since then its been bad too - a failed marriage, serious depression and breakdowns which got me hospitilised, plus now my only child doesn't live with me anymore- he lives with his dad. I do see him regularly but having contact with him means having lots of contact with my husband who's in a new relationship, plus contact with my parents. I would really like not to see my parents.
I have tried to forgive them but I cannot forget their treatment of me and its like i wear a mask when i see them - i know its wrong to feel this or say this but part of me hates them- i suppose the evil of what they've done. then i feel bad and hate myself and just want it all to end.
my self-esteem is zero. antedepressants have helped me to put on over eight stone in weight over a period of ten years. i'm on lower doses now so i'm not so hungry all the time but i do overeat out of habit i suppose and it helps distract me from my thoughts.
Well, a few years ago i became a Christian at a non-denominational church although I was seriously mentally ill at the time - my depression descended into psychotic depression. I no longer have psychosis and thought i had forgiven my parents plus i really tried to engage in the life of the church.
However, as helpful as i found the pastoral help was in the beginning I began to find it more and more controlling - particuarly through one person, who though i know loves God, just seemed to want to clone me. I also listened to all about her life. Plus also she said it was honour for me to help her as she was a leader, so I cleaned for house for over a year - was this exploitation? I don't know. I was told it was really bad to criticise leaders because they are appointed by God but it just seemed that she could say whatever she liked and she used to say that as she was talking to me she was listening to the Holy Spirit. This really made me start to doubt her and doubt my faith.
Anyway I've left the church and said that I didn't want to clean for her anymore, so thats the end of that.
So here I am, on the decline i guess. I did speak to another christian and they said that I had experienced 'heavy shepherding' and to look for another church. But if this is so, why God, why???
I'm sorry this is so long but just don't know what to do. I've bought Rick Warren's book about studying the bible to try and sort out a quiet time, but I feel so alone. I just don't feel that I've got the strength to carry on a lot of the time. I'm already nearly 40 and life just seems terrible for some people - not just me, but generally there seems to be so much suffering and hardship for some people.
well, better stop there, realise some people have it worse
shadowgem

 

[mon_cherri_flower]

bless you. you have alot on your shoulders. i hope it feels good to get it out. *really huge soft hug*
healing is a process in which we all have our own pace.
i know you are tired and depressed, but let yourself be soothed by the wonderful things in life. focus on one day at a time. give God your heart and mind each day anew. everything will work out. **

 

[shadowgem]

bless you. you have alot on your shoulders. i hope it feels good to get it out. *really huge soft hug*
healing is a process in which we all have our own pace.
i know you are tired and depressed, but let yourself be soothed by the wonderful things in life. focus on one day at a time. give God your heart and mind each day anew. everything will work out. **

thank you for the hug - made me cry which i think i need to do x

 

[Rosebaronet]

In my opinion, it is probably time for you to find another church, simply because you should be in a congregation you can feel rejoice enough to praise the Lord, I do not sense that from your description.

Lord reward those who labor, that is true, but not all leaders are ordained by God, people have to be very careful when they claim authority from divinity, French King was thought to have been ordained by God, and he literally lost his head.

The Lord loves you, pray to him for wisdom, peace and calmness, He will lead you to a church that is most suited for your situation.

Bless you.

 

[artjack]

think about the nice things in your past that you enjoyed, dont judge your life on others, you dont know how they are feeling, be happy with your own survival and thank god. think positive, stay positive, be positive, work at it.

 

[prayingwoman]

You propably should find a new church that will support and love you more. Try not to focus on the bad things in your past. Look to the future and just worry about today. I know it is hard as I have been there. I am a survivor as well. You are loved and I am praying for you!

 

[suzana]

I think from what you said in the beginning that you need to speak to someone more qualified.. maybe a hotline, or even a Christian hotline. I've gone through serious problems myself and for months I was depressed, I would cry every day. But than I just moved on and left it in the past and things improved. Sometimes you go through a horrible time period in your life and then things get better.
We all have problems, but you have people who care about you, always remember that

 

[suzana]

I think from what you said in the beginning that you need to speak to someone more qualified.. maybe a hotline, or even a Christian hotline. I've gone through serious problems myself and for months I was depressed, I would cry every day. But than I just moved on and left it in the past and things improved. Sometimes you go through a horrible time period in your life and then things get better.
We all have problems, but you have people who care about you, always remember that

 

[promisesofgrace]

Hi,
i'm so depressed. I haven't posted here before, but i keep thinking about suicide and my faith is very low.
I just can't seem to get over the upbringing i had and can't understand why some people have loving and supportive families and why some people don't.
i've tried to understand my childhood and i guess its best described as dysfunctional with emotional neglect/abuse, some bullying plus a lot of rejection etc. In contrast my mum had two more children with my stepfather who were supported and had affection and love, plus my dad went on to have two more children who were also supported in a new relationship. I suppose I fell between two families - neither included me completely and this situation encouraged me to leave home as soon as i could and drop out of education because it was so painful.
Since then its been bad too - a failed marriage, serious depression and breakdowns which got me hospitilised, plus now my only child doesn't live with me anymore- he lives with his dad. I do see him regularly but having contact with him means having lots of contact with my husband who's in a new relationship, plus contact with my parents. I would really like not to see my parents.
I have tried to forgive them but I cannot forget their treatment of me and its like i wear a mask when i see them - i know its wrong to feel this or say this but part of me hates them- i suppose the evil of what they've done. then i feel bad and hate myself and just want it all to end.
my self-esteem is zero. antedepressants have helped me to put on over eight stone in weight over a period of ten years. i'm on lower doses now so i'm not so hungry all the time but i do overeat out of habit i suppose and it helps distract me from my thoughts.
Well, a few years ago i became a Christian at a non-denominational church although I was seriously mentally ill at the time - my depression descended into psychotic depression. I no longer have psychosis and thought i had forgiven my parents plus i really tried to engage in the life of the church.
However, as helpful as i found the pastoral help was in the beginning I began to find it more and more controlling - particuarly through one person, who though i know loves God, just seemed to want to clone me. I also listened to all about her life. Plus also she said it was honour for me to help her as she was a leader, so I cleaned for house for over a year - was this exploitation? I don't know. I was told it was really bad to criticise leaders because they are appointed by God but it just seemed that she could say whatever she liked and she used to say that as she was talking to me she was listening to the Holy Spirit. This really made me start to doubt her and doubt my faith.
Anyway I've left the church and said that I didn't want to clean for her anymore, so thats the end of that.
So here I am, on the decline i guess. I did speak to another christian and they said that I had experienced 'heavy shepherding' and to look for another church. But if this is so, why God, why???
I'm sorry this is so long but just don't know what to do. I've bought Rick Warren's book about studying the bible to try and sort out a quiet time, but I feel so alone. I just don't feel that I've got the strength to carry on a lot of the time. I'm already nearly 40 and life just seems terrible for some people - not just me, but generally there seems to be so much suffering and hardship for some people.
well, better stop there, realise some people have it worse
shadowgem

Hi shadowgem..I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It seems like things are very hard for your right now, and that the memories of what happened to you in the past coupled with what is going on in the present is almost too much for you.
I would encourage you to not take on too much. You probably feel like you need a friend-and if you want, here's one for you too...
Just remember that those lonely tears, those cries out to God when no one else is even around, are heard, and He answers the cries of His chilren. Don't give up hope...

 

[ub4me]

AHH, I AM SO SORRY....
WE ALL HAVE ALOT IN COMMON
WE DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN NOR COULD WE CHOOSE TO WHOM WE WOULD BE BORN TO.
BUT THE FACT IS YOU WERE BORN...GOD HAD A PLAN FOR YOU LIFE...HIS PLAN IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED
BECAUSE OF THE TERRIBLE THINGS YOU ENDURED...LIFE TOOK ANOTHER DIRECTION....IT IS TRAGIC....BUT DOSEN'T HAVE TO STAY THAT WAY.
GOD DOSEN'T CHANGE.
HE STILL HAS A PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE, AND ONE OF GOOD.
AS HARD AS IT IS WE HAVE TO CHOOSE TO LOOK FORWARD AND KEEP OUR EYES ON HIM....OUR BLESSED HOPE. THE DAY IS COMING WHEN WE WON'T SHED ANOTHER TEAR, NOR FEEL THIS HORRIBLE PAIN.
WE HAVE A FATHER, THE ONLY ONE WE WILL EVER NEED WHO WILL NEVER LEAVE US NOR FORSAKE US...AND WHO HAS A PLACE PREPARED FOR US AT HIS TABLE.
I FOUND MYSELF HOLDING ON TO MY PAIN, BECAUSE IT WAS ALL I HAD...AT LEAST I FELT SOMETHING...WHICH REMINDED ME I WAS ALIVE.
BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT I HAVE JESUS...AND HE WANTS TO CARRY THOSE BURDENS THAT ARE TO HEAVY FOR ME.
AND WHAT I HAVE ENDURED HERE ON THIS EARTH, IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE PAIN HE ENDURED FOR ME...IMAGINE IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THAT OR OUR BLESSED HOPE.
THERE ARE OFTEN THINGS THAT POP UP AND REMIND ME OF THE PAST...AND I FIND MYSELF GETTING PULLED BACK, BUT I SOON FOCUS ON THE THINGS GOD TOLDUS TO FOCUS ON....AND I CAN EASILY WALK OUT OF THOSE FEELINGS....THERE IS NOTHING I WANT THERE ANYWAY.

Phl 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Phl 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.

Phl 4:9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Phl 4:10 But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.

Phl 4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, [therewith] to be content.

Phl 4:12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.

Phl 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.


IF YOU GET A CHANCE READ MY BLOG...AND KNOW YOUR NOT ALONE, WE ARE NOT ALONE.
FIND YOUR PLACE IN GOD'S SERVICE.....WE DO WELL TO TAKE JESUS TO THE PLACE WHERE WE HAVE BEEN.
IN OTHER WORDS MINISTER...BEFRIEND AND PRAY WITH THOSE WHO ARE SUFFERING...AS YOU HAVE SUFFERED...AND THIS WILL HELP PUT THE FOCUS OFF THE PAST...AND ON TO YOUR GLORIOUS FUTURE, AS HIS BRIDE!!!!

LOVE YOU,
TRISH

 

[inHisgripkim]

Hi,
i'm so depressed. I haven't posted here before, but i keep thinking about suicide and my faith is very low.
I just can't seem to get over the upbringing i had and can't understand why some people have loving and supportive families and why some people don't.
i've tried to understand my childhood and i guess its best described as dysfunctional with emotional neglect/abuse, some bullying plus a lot of rejection etc. In contrast my mum had two more children with my stepfather who were supported and had affection and love, plus my dad went on to have two more children who were also supported in a new relationship. I suppose I fell between two families - neither included me completely and this situation encouraged me to leave home as soon as i could and drop out of education because it was so painful.
Since then its been bad too - a failed marriage, serious depression and breakdowns which got me hospitilised, plus now my only child doesn't live with me anymore- he lives with his dad. I do see him regularly but having contact with him means having lots of contact with my husband who's in a new relationship, plus contact with my parents. I would really like not to see my parents.
I have tried to forgive them but I cannot forget their treatment of me and its like i wear a mask when i see them - i know its wrong to feel this or say this but part of me hates them- i suppose the evil of what they've done. then i feel bad and hate myself and just want it all to end.
my self-esteem is zero. antedepressants have helped me to put on over eight stone in weight over a period of ten years. i'm on lower doses now so i'm not so hungry all the time but i do overeat out of habit i suppose and it helps distract me from my thoughts.
Well, a few years ago i became a Christian at a non-denominational church although I was seriously mentally ill at the time - my depression descended into psychotic depression. I no longer have psychosis and thought i had forgiven my parents plus i really tried to engage in the life of the church.
However, as helpful as i found the pastoral help was in the beginning I began to find it more and more controlling - particuarly through one person, who though i know loves God, just seemed to want to clone me. I also listened to all about her life. Plus also she said it was honour for me to help her as she was a leader, so I cleaned for house for over a year - was this exploitation? I don't know. I was told it was really bad to criticise leaders because they are appointed by God but it just seemed that she could say whatever she liked and she used to say that as she was talking to me she was listening to the Holy Spirit. This really made me start to doubt her and doubt my faith.
Anyway I've left the church and said that I didn't want to clean for her anymore, so thats the end of that.
So here I am, on the decline i guess. I did speak to another christian and they said that I had experienced 'heavy shepherding' and to look for another church. But if this is so, why God, why???
I'm sorry this is so long but just don't know what to do. I've bought Rick Warren's book about studying the bible to try and sort out a quiet time, but I feel so alone. I just don't feel that I've got the strength to carry on a lot of the time. I'm already nearly 40 and life just seems terrible for some people - not just me, but generally there seems to be so much suffering and hardship for some people.
well, better stop there, realise some people have it worse
shadowgem

Dear Shadowgem:

Not all churches are the same. Where you find humans, you will find imperfections. You do need to find a church that you feel safe, secure, comfortable, contented, and feel renewed. All of us are in different growth stages, and one church may not be good for me but good for someone else who is at a different growth stage.

I am in a very small neighborhood church. Little politics and alot of friendly and loving people. I feel comfortable and accepted unconditionally. This church is good for me considering where I am at with my own journey for recovery. I, too, come from a history of abuse. I battle a MH condition and depression. Most of my recovery has occurred between 40 and 48. I am 48 years old now. I have been a Christian for 6 of those 8 years. I live for God and only God. My focus is Jesus and the Kingdom of Heaven. Each day is spent seeking God and strengthening my faith. Each day is spent seeking God's wisdom and understanding. I live only for Him. I live to grow in Him. Divine growth happens when we grow in God.

I have made up my mind that I am here to learn all there is to know about God and to learn who I am in Him and He in me. There has been sooo much healing and much freedom by staying focused on God.

Set your sights on Jesus. Seek Him out any way you can be it worship, reading the word, books, prayer, meditation, communing with God, and listening to praise and worship. Stay present in God. Leave the past behind. We are to die to "self." The past is filled with pain and strife that keeps us emotionally connected to "self." We are to die to self and be born again in Christ. Surrender your past. Leave the future to God because the future belongs to Him. God has given us "now." Stay in the now and stay present in God. Now is where God wants us to be. Now is where salvation occurs. Now is where healing occurs. The past brings up old wounds and the future creates anxiety and insecurity. The present is where we need to be at all times.

Pay attention to your thoughts and don't let them wander. Stay present. Be aware of what you are smelling, seeing, feeling, touching, hearing and relate it all back to God. Here is where true healing occurs.

You are a child of God. You were made by Him and made in His image. You are perfect in His eyes. You are His masterpiece. Live your life believing that because it is truth.

Stay in the "now." Surrender your past, and let God handle the future.

God bless you and may you find His peace in your heart,
Kim