Struggling with disbelief in a marriage with a believer

[WWJND]

Post deleted by WWJD

 

[psychedelicist]

I also have the problem of never quite knowing what I believe. I am constantly challenging and changing my morals and beliefs for apparently no reason.

Having grown up in a church I can tell you that it IS a decision that they need to make when they are ready, most people who grow up christian never really know what it means like I did. Forcing them to go, especially if they don't want to, will force them away from christianity.

 

[livin4thebigman]

WWJND & psychedelicist, I know where you're coming from. I grew up in the church and had to go all my life. In some regard, I would side with you on your view of the church. I have had some bad experiences with the church and so I am now very critical of what church I go to. For the past few years though I have been figuring out why I believe what I believe and to tell you the truth, I cannot reject Christianity.

WWJND I think that it is the best thing that you told your wife, even though her reaction may have not been the best thing. I myself being married, realize that unparalleled importance of open communication with my wife. She needs to know what is going on so that our marriage can work.

My advice to you would be to study the things you have questions about. If you need help I would be all for helping you in any way I can. I dont know where you're located (I'm in exton, PA) but if you're close by and would want to, we could even go out for coffee or a beer. (Yes I am a Christian and yes I do drink, it's not a sin.) If you want to, you can post in here, email me, or chat on AIM (my screename is Livin4theBigMan)

I hope to hear back from you soon.

-matt

 

[WWJND]

Post deleted by WWJD

 

[livin4thebigman]

No offense taken. Yeah, Texas would be a bit of a drive.

I have had my fill of conservative churches (which usually correlates to judgemental churches). That is why I am at the church I am at now. Very open-minded and they are not about judging someone. They'd rather be there to help them and to challenege the body of Christ.

I would encourage you to continue looking at Xtianity. The reason being is that I believe it to be truth (not simply blind faith) and I would be a fool if I did not invite you to take a look at it.

Not to get too much in depth but just to touch on the idea of blind faith that you mentioned. I hope you realize that even outside of religion, you exhibit blind faith. For instance, why does 2 + 2 = 4? We realize that, that is they way things are, but why? Why is 2,2? and why does 2 + 2 = 4? At some point you just believe that 2 is actually 2 and not 5 or 1000.

Good luck w/ the home front. If you have any more questions, feel free to post.

-matt

 

[lilouisianagal]

Hey a couple of good books that might help u are "The Case for Christ" and "The Case for Faith". They are both by Lee Strobel. They are really well written books. He was an atheist and a journalist. He decided that he wanted to disprove Christianity and the existance of a Christian God, but in the process found that all evidence(science included) proves and backs it up. Also a book that ur wife and u might like is by his wife, Leslie Strobel, and him called Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage.

 

[TheMainException]

Ouch...it hurts when the one you love treats you like that...man, there is sadness in me over this, please know that...I will not try to convince you to come running back to Christ, that's something you have to work through and I feel by what you have said that you are looking for answers...keep searching for those answers, never stop...as soon as you become happy right where you are, things get stagnant and begin to rot...keep looking for every answer to every question.

I'm sorry that you're wife is acting the way she is...I hope and pray that she is seeking out Christ and HIS will...not her own...No, it was no mistake to talk to her about it... husbands and wives are to talk about these things...and when they don't, the relationship begins to go downhill.

I think that you should keep going to church with your kids and wife...let them grow up in a church setting but once they get older (like 15 or 16) start to challenge them with things...let them know that you aren't a Christian and challenge them with what you believe so that they begin to see that Christianity is not the only thing to believe.

I'll be praying for you on this issue.

 

[Riddick]

i wonder if your wife thinks you're brainwashing them with some alternative to church?

 

[goodoldboy]

I think your concerns about your kids are well-grounded. Children are too young to reasonably decide whether or not the things they hear in church are true or untrue. You must be the one who decides what they hear until they have the reasoning faculties to think on their own. As a parent, you have an obligation to protect your children from manipulative belief systems and lies.

And you may conflict with your wife about this. I suggest that you assert your position as the man of the house and overrule her authority in the matter. This will be compelling if you are the one making the money. Otherwise, the best you can do is compromise.

If she is a critical thinker (as many who have knowledge of science), then you may be able to sway her to your side. This would take knowledge, patience, care, and open-mindedness.

 

[Ryft]

I tend to be cyclical, in that I define my values what I think is right, wrong, and in between, and then about every 8 months or so I just wake up one day and have NO idea what I believe in anymore.

Let's have a practical look at your situation, then. On the one hand we have your wife, a conservative Christian with firm, intelligent beliefs and values, and on the other hand we have you, a practical atheist that struggles regularly with his beliefs and values. When it comes to raising children, one of the more fundamental things a child relies upon from their parents is learning about values, learning about what is right and wrong, good and bad. There are a variety of reasons for these very important lessons, one of the most basic being the ability to function properly in society. And there is nothing in this world that will derail a child's learning (and behavior) faster than inconsistency. While there may exist some disagreements between you and your wife about things like creation and evolution or the existence of God, when it comes to values, your wife is at least attempting to raise them with some strong, consistent ones. Honestly, what values is your wife's conservative Christian worldview teaching your children that is so bad?

Oh, yeah... that's a value question. By your own admittance, depending where along this eight-month routine you currently are at, you will either say there is nothing bad about it, or you have no idea if there is anything bad about it, or there are these things that are bad about it and here are the reasons (hopefully no one asks how you evaluate competing axiologies without commiting the fallacy of affirming the consequent).

Maybe you have some issues about literalist interpretations of Genesis, or whether miracles are possible in reality, or what constitutes reality and what qualifies as being 'real'... but none of these are axiological questions, none of these things are about values. The values that your wife is trying to teach your children are valid and relevant whether Jonah was a real person or a mythical figure. Maybe as they grow older you can teach them to inquire intelligently about things like Genesis, but don't let your skepticism and oscillating beliefs rob your children of a relevant, strong, consistent set of values.

With regard to your fear about your children being "brainwashed," I would have two things to say in response. First of all, what do you consider brain-washing? Teaching your child something they were not aware of before? Then there is no avoiding it because whatever you might teach them would likewise constitute brain-washing. Or maybe 'brain-washing' is teaching them something that is false? With your ever-shifting beliefs and values, when are you ever in a position to say what is and is not false? Today you might think it false, but maybe eight months from now you will have a different idea. Even a broken watch is right twice a day. Or maybe 'brain-washing' is teaching them only one set of beliefs, from one perspective. If your children are living in a modern, Western society, you know that idea falls unremarkably on the floor, since you know very well that they are surrounded by all kinds of ideas; and if they attend public school, you know they are being taught things like Evolution. Secondly, your wife, if she is doing anything in her efforts, is preventing them from being brain-washed—for example, to rather they were not being taught about Creation, to wish they were instead learning about just Evolution, is wishing to brain-wash them. Let the school teach them about mathematics and science and geography, etc., and let your wife teach them about values... because the school certainly doesn't have that in their curriculum.

Maybe you or someone else might say, "Well shouldn't the child be able to make up his own mind about these things?" To this I would say, Not before that child is first raised and taught with some firm foundations to start out from. A child cannot make these sort of discernment evaluations without first being equipped. Do not soon forget that the question can be spun back around on you and your desire to teach the child alternative ideas: "Shouldn't the child be able to make up his own mind about these things?" Maybe you're concerned that your children are made aware that there are alternative ideas out there. That's an unnecessary concern, as my comments about school pointed out: your children are certainly learning that.

I want to do right by her and the kids, but I am having some serious issues with this right now.

I hope this is true, I really do... because then I would know that you won't let your skepticism and oscillating beliefs interfere with what's best for your children—a well rounded education, and firm, intelligent values.

 

[Ryft]

If she is a critical thinker (as many who have knowledge of science), then you may be able to sway her to your side.

Doubtful, given the systemic irrationality of atheism.

 

[goodoldboy]

.

 

[Riddick]

sounds like a tough sell, at face value

 

[gogoGoddess]

I think your concerns about your kids are well-grounded. Children are too young to reasonably decide whether or not the things they hear in church are true or untrue. You must be the one who decides what they hear until they have the reasoning faculties to think on their own. As a parent, you have an obligation to protect your children from manipulative belief systems and lies.

And you may conflict with your wife about this. I suggest that you assert your position as the man of the house and overrule her authority in the matter. This will be compelling if you are the one making the money. Otherwise, the best you can do is compromise.

If she is a critical thinker (as many who have knowledge of science), then you may be able to sway her to your side. This would take knowledge, patience, care, and open-mindedness.

I do not believe that one being needs to assert themself over another, thus placing the other in a submissive position. I also believe that money should never be the bases where communication can equal compromise, understanding, and truly build a better relationship. We are all individuals and respect for that can only better any situation.

 

[goodoldboy]

.

 

[Ryft]

Why is that something she "needs" to do?

 

[rhema glory]

Well I speak from the opposite side!I am a strong Christian and dh is..well I'm not sure at this point what he is,as he doesn't like to talk about spiritual things!Great thing is he is supportive in my faith,and me raising our children in the faith!It's not easy for either side and sometimes we have to step back and put ourselves in each others situations!Example-I don't shove my beliefs down dh's throat,I don't tell him what to do and what not to do,but at the same time he doesn't ask me to do things that he knows would go against my Godly conscience!For your wife her faith is an absolute,science or you trying to persuade her that she is being brainwashed will not make her faith dissappear!It goes beyond that,it's something that is more powerful than human intellect can articulate,and if you try to rob her of a personal relationship w/ Christ,there will be strife!Respect is key!COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE!I suggest you taking a peek in the marriage board(unequally yoked)and see how the wives feel who have dh's that aren't saved!My own dh doesn't know the magnitude of how lonely I feel in the marriage when it comes to spirituality!Don't get me wrong,our marriage is good,but God and church is a major part of my life,and when the other doesn't subscribe to your beliefs,there is a big void!

 

[spacecadet11]

well,

I am actually in a relationship where I am playing the role similar to your wife. Im not trying to make a comparisson, but it has been very difficult for me to love a non-believer.

I ask you to simply consider your options. Believe when your heart allows you to do so. Forcingit for anyone was never really what God intended. I will pray for you most certainly.

 

[Paul_Wright_luvr]

sometimes, everyone has doubts about GOD. its part of bein a Christian