Struggling with brain damaged husband

[HisHomeMaker]

I am a lifelong "Christian", but new to Bible study and I'm learning how to pray. I have been going to an Anglican church for 10 years. One of the things that attracted me to the man who is now my husband is that we have the same faith. We have been married 8 years and blended families.

We each have a special needs son, one autistic and the other with an attachment disorder; they are both in high school now and doing well.

Seven years ago, one year into our marriage, my husband was hurt at work. He hasn't worked much since. I have a good job. His health has steadily declined, one problem has been diagnosed after another. The latest diagnosis is a permanent brain injury, either from his accident or from mini strokes resulting from high blood pressure and diabetes.

His intelligence is intact and he is in school to change careers, however his personality and his beliefs have changed. His "social filter" is broken and he is depressed. He has become a bigot. He demands that the children and I meet his needs.

I need some guidance on how to be a good Christian wife and mother.

I want to meet my husband's needs. I know that if his stress and anxiety is less, if his blood pressure is lower, if his blood sugar is balanced that his body and brain may heal. (He is under the care of doctors and specialists.) I seem to be his only connection to spiritual health. He wants me to touch him, to kiss him, to initiate affection and sex with him.

The man he has become is not the kind of man I would befriend, let alone be married to.

He does not want to go to church anymore. This was an important part of our marriage, sharing worship every Sunday, socializing with members after, and discussing the scriptures and sermon together as a couple. He will not talk about his faith or share in prayer. I have joined a home group for Bible study and he accuses me of "going all religious".

I guess I need ideas on how I can meet his needs as a husband while caring for myself through this process of physical and, I hope, spiritual healing for both of us. I also need our children to see me demonstrating boundaries.

Thank you in advance. I know this is big stuff, but we all have our "stuff" don't we?

In Christ,

HHM

 

[bliz]

How very overwhelming.

 

[HisHomeMaker]

Prayer Attributed to St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow your love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

 

[LovesToBless]

I think one thing that might help is seeing if there are any support networks for the families of those impacted by brain damage. I would hope there you might find suggestions about dealing with such a dramatic personality change.

I'm sorry for what you're facing...it is a huge change in both your lives. I'm glad you're still able to attend a home fellowship at least for yourself, but having your husband reject all the spiritual side of life must be incredibly lonely.

I hope we can offer you some encouragement.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you have a tremendous amount on your plate. I'm sure it must be difficult to keep up with it all and still feel like you have a bit of yourself left over at the end of the day.

I think it's good that you are trying to stay connected spiritually and encourage you to keep up with it, despite your husband's critical remarks.

I also think trying to find a support group is a good idea, as LTB suggested. Either for families of brain damage victims and/or a caregiver support group.

God bless - you and yours are in my prayers.

 

[Alicia_M]

I am a lifelong "Christian", but new to Bible study and I'm learning how to pray. I have been going to an Anglican church for 10 years. One of the things that attracted me to the man who is now my husband is that we have the same faith. We have been married 8 years and blended families.

We each have a special needs son, one autistic and the other with an attachment disorder; they are both in high school now and doing well.

Seven years ago, one year into our marriage, my husband was hurt at work. He hasn't worked much since. I have a good job. His health has steadily declined, one problem has been diagnosed after another. The latest diagnosis is a permanent brain injury, either from his accident or from mini strokes resulting from high blood pressure and diabetes.

His intelligence is intact and he is in school to change careers, however his personality and his beliefs have changed. His "social filter" is broken and he is depressed. He has become a bigot. He demands that the children and I meet his needs.

I need some guidance on how to be a good Christian wife and mother.

I want to meet my husband's needs. I know that if his stress and anxiety is less, if his blood pressure is lower, if his blood sugar is balanced that his body and brain may heal. (He is under the care of doctors and specialists.) I seem to be his only connection to spiritual health. He wants me to touch him, to kiss him, to initiate affection and sex with him.

The man he has become is not the kind of man I would befriend, let alone be married to.

He does not want to go to church anymore. This was an important part of our marriage, sharing worship every Sunday, socializing with members after, and discussing the scriptures and sermon together as a couple. He will not talk about his faith or share in prayer. I have joined a home group for Bible study and he accuses me of "going all religious".

I guess I need ideas on how I can meet his needs as a husband while caring for myself through this process of physical and, I hope, spiritual healing for both of us. I also need our children to see me demonstrating boundaries.

Thank you in advance. I know this is big stuff, but we all have our "stuff" don't we?

In Christ,

HHM

Prayers for your family.

I think the first step would be to understand what type of brain injury he has, and how it effects his behavior. Talk to the doctors first. Finding out exactly what is going on may give you insight. I fished around a bit on damage to the frontal lobe because his behaviors seemed to coincide. I am not a doctor, though.

If the front part is damaged, any of the following may result:

• Impaired concentration
• Reduced fluency of speech
• Apathy
• Inattentiveness
• Delayed responses to questions
• A striking lack of inhibition, including socially inappropriate behavior

People who lose their inhibitions may be inappropriately euphoric or depressed, excessively argumentative or passive, and vulgar. They may show no regard for the consequences of their behavior. They may also repeat what they say.

Dysfunction by Location: Brain Dysfunction: Merck Manual Home Edition

It's difficult for me to imagine what you're family is going through right now, and my heart goes out to you all. If it were me, I'd keep my prayer life active, and consult a priest on how to keep living my faith appropriately. I'd point to some scriptual advice, but it can be hard to remain objective when emotions run so high.

 

[HisHomeMaker]

Loves, Faith and Alicia, thank you for your ideas. I am looking for supports; the local mental health office may be my next call. I haven't found much online yet but maybe I'm looking in the wrong places for message boards.

I did find this post on another site in response to a young wife whose new husband also suffered strokes and depression. What are your thoughts on this?

"Remember your husband will let you down, A LOT! Mine does now and then even though he is a good-hearted man. Remember who your first love is. Its not your husband, but JESUS. He is your rock and source of love and contentment, not your husband. If you depend on your husband in all his imperfections for fulfillment he will let you down and you will feel your marriage is a mistake. You are in for a bumpy ride, but God gives us marriage not to make us happy, but to teach us to be more like HIM and Holy."

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Loves, Faith and Alicia, thank you for your ideas. I am looking for supports; the local mental health office may be my next call. I haven't found much online yet but maybe I'm looking in the wrong places for message boards.

I did find this post on another site in response to a young wife whose new husband also suffered strokes and depression. What are your thoughts on this?

"Remember your husband will let you down, A LOT! Mine does now and then even though he is a good-hearted man. Remember who your first love is. Its not your husband, but JESUS. He is your rock and source of love and contentment, not your husband. If you depend on your husband in all his imperfections for fulfillment he will let you down and you will feel your marriage is a mistake. You are in for a bumpy ride, but God gives us marriage not to make us happy, but to teach us to be more like HIM and Holy."

That statement would go right along with what our pastor told us during premarital counseling.

 

[dallasapple]

All I can do is give you cyber hugs..

(((HUGS))))

Love

Dallas

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm sorry to say I have no advice whatsoever, and your situation leaves me stumped. But I'm posting to let you know I feel for you and hear you. God bless.

 

[HisHomeMaker]

I've found some of the articles on marriage missions dot com "mental and physical health" section to be helpful. I share for others who may need them, although I have too few posts to add a link now.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Thank you, HHM. My own husband is unencumbered by that kind of thing, but I have a mental illness myself, and such information might be useful to him.

 

[Alicia_M]

Loves, Faith and Alicia, thank you for your ideas. I am looking for supports; the local mental health office may be my next call. I haven't found much online yet but maybe I'm looking in the wrong places for message boards.

I did find this post on another site in response to a young wife whose new husband also suffered strokes and depression. What are your thoughts on this?

"Remember your husband will let you down, A LOT! Mine does now and then even though he is a good-hearted man. Remember who your first love is. Its not your husband, but JESUS. He is your rock and source of love and contentment, not your husband. If you depend on your husband in all his imperfections for fulfillment he will let you down and you will feel your marriage is a mistake. You are in for a bumpy ride, but God gives us marriage not to make us happy, but to teach us to be more like HIM and Holy."

The bolded, I think, is the key. I also know how exhausting it can be to try and latch onto that love, and hold on with all our strength while everyday life/extreme circumstance toss us about like a glass bottle in the sea. My hubby being an alcoholic in recovery, the early part of our marriage was like a malestrom. Fortunately, the both of us kept enough faith to not only preserve the marriage, but also live in happiness together. With your hubby's brain injury, though; the behavior could be permanant. I definitely agree with Loves and FaithP that after you find out what type of injury you all are facing that you find a support group.

What really helps me is the Lord's Prayer, especially when my emotions are all over the place. Saying the words and focusing on them removes a lot of turmoil. I don't know how else to describe it besides feeling totally in the presence of the Lord during the "recital". *shrugs* Peace comes when I shift the center away from myself and onto Him. I figure He is already aware of what I want and need; what I have to do is approach Him. Another one I like is the serenity prayer. It works in much the same fashion.

 

[NatiBooh]

when coming to this site my new husband told me there are many different areas and subjects. this one has hit me hard,yes i admit i have nothing helpful to add. am sorry for that but i am also trying to handle my own husbands psychological disorder. i pray so much i feel worn down. may try the site HisHomemaker lists.

 

[mkgal1]

I am joining with everyone in prayer for you. Who gave the diagnosis of brain injury? Was it a neurologist? Can that doctor put you in contact with support groups. Can the type of injury be explained more to you so you can understand if it is progressive or if it will remain the same, etc? That really IS a lot to deal with....prayers for strength and wisdom.

 

[HisHomeMaker]

Thank you for your prayers. The assessment was done by a neuropsychologist. He's been told that his condition was progressive, which I can confirm from the way his behaviour escalated over the course of a few years, but that with the treatments he's on now it shouldn't get worse. He was also told that the damage is permanent, but I am optimistic that his brain may rewire itself. I am learning about brain plasticity. A really good book about brain damage, learning disabilities and mental health is "The Brain that Changes Itself".

 

[dallasapple]

Thank you for your prayers. The assessment was done by a neuropsychologist. He's been told that his condition was progressive, which I can confirm from the way his behaviour escalated over the course of a few years, but that with the treatments he's on now it shouldn't get worse. He was also told that the damage is permanent, but I am optimistic that his brain may rewire itself. I am learning about brain plasticity. A really good book about brain damage, learning disabilities and mental health is "The Brain that Changes Itself".

(((HUGS)))

The brain is a miraculous organ..Im sure you know that already..I just wanted you to know I heard you..And you and your dear husband are in my prayers as well...

Love

Dallas

 

[Victrixa]

My heart so goes out to you! It's SO HARD to deal with a sick husband.... we were basically newlyweds too when he became ill - it's been 18 years now... will remember you in my prayers!

 

[HisHomeMaker]

For the first time in many months, my husband attended church with me yesterday. He enjoyed coffee time after and all the sweets "the church ladies" brought, a big motivator for him. Last night while we did dishes together, I asked him his thoughts about the sermon which I thought was very uplifting. It offered hope to those who were struggling with faith. Hubby stated that the sermon did nothing for him, that he'd heard messages like this over and over again since his childhood, but that he believes that God is cruel and a disciplinarian and that there is no hope to be found in faith. I am dumbfounded. I know Hubby is depressed, understandably so, but to find no comfort or hope in God...? Perhaps the blessing is that I haven't lost faith or hope.

Haggai 2
Yes, get to work! For I am with you. God is speaking! Put into action the word I covenanted with you when you left Egypt. I'm living and breathing among you right now. Don't be timid. Don't hold back. Do not fear.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I'm glad he went and seemingly enjoyed the fellowship. But, I can imagine how disheartening it was to hear he was not moved by the sermon.

Have you tried asking him what exactly it is that he would like to be getting out of church? If he's not feeling fed at the church you attend, then maybe visiting some other churches would help meet whatever need it is that he needs to have met spiritually right now. Just a thought.