Struggling with Absence of Father

[Nessie]

I've been really depressed lately and this happens now and again ever since I was 11, and this time it's beginning to interfere with my life.

My father was abusive and when I was 11 my mother got custody of us. Well, I would never, ever want to go back and live with him because he screwed up my life horribly (it's against the law for us to be in the same state til I'm 26 anyway).

But as anyone knows there is a certain part of a girl who needs a dad. I don't know what it is, or why, but it feels like a big part of me is missing because I don't have one. I walk through the store and see men with their daughters and I want to start crying. Part of me wonders if he really loves her or whether once they get home he treats her bad. This one time at work (at Baskin-Robbins) a man, obviously stressed, came in and bought his little girl some ice cream with pocket change, and I wanted to cry because I just thought it was the sweetest thing. I mean, this guy was obviously having financial trouble, and I could see the stress on his face, but everytime his little girl looked up at him he smiled and pretended to be happy for her.

Then you always hear these celebrities talk of how much their families mean more than anything in the world to them. And on tv shows you see these people who love their kids more than life itself. And I'm just kinda sitting back thinking why my father hurt his family the way he did... and even lately with an issue with my mother and how she has neglected me all these years... it's really getting to me.

I'm having dreams about this now... I'm horribly depressed. And I can't shake it off. I dealt with this a few years ago, and now all of a sudden it's back and I feel all alone in the world. And it seriously feels like there is a part of me that can never be filled. And that my life is over and that I'll never be able to do anything with my life because of all this psychological stuff that comes along with it.......

I'm open for any advice.
God Bless,
Vanessa

 

[daveleau]

Oh, it hurts me every time I hear of people abusing their children. I can not imagine anything more horrible than doing this.

I lost my dad when I was 5. My mom never dated, much less remarry. So, I grew up without a father. It is much different growing up without a dad as a boy, I am sure. I have noticed things that make me believe that God has had His hand in my life to guide me and help me with this family deficiency. I went through times of depression and jealousy over others who had good fathers.

With women, there are different issues to try and avoid. One is that many women without fathers look for men to fill the void. I implore you to steer away from that. A good man will support you and fill some of the space your heart has, but many women tend to go after a man rather than a good man. I know that is not what you are writing for, but I just felt led to mention that. Look at the example your father set and avoid those things in the men you date.

In your depression, you need help. I do not mean the type of help where doctors will give you drugs that will make you a zombie or hype you up unnaturally. I mean, that you need companionship through members of your church. I would advise that you go to your youth directors or others who you feel comfortable talking to. I would talk with some of the women who may have had similar situations.

You are not alone. There are many who have been through what you are going through. Seek out similarly-experienced and Christian people in your church. There is no need to bear this alone. They will help. And there is someone there who has been through this situation.

God bless you,
Dave

 

[bliz]

A dear friend of mine, in her 50s, is dealing with the absence of her father in her life, over 40 years after he left.. Her father died, and she has some good memories of him, unlike you, but this has caused her problems that have made it hard for her to discover and be her true self and this was the root of her divorce after 25 years of marriage.

Please seek out some professional counseling, Few of us could deal with all that is involved here alone. We need help and guidence from someone who is knowledgable about psychology as well as being familiar with the Bible. As you mature, you will see your father and the absense of a father in your life in new and different ways, and each stage will involve greiving and healing and recovery. But those stages can become more gentle and less disruptive in you life. Please get some help! Start by asking your doctor, or pastor. But please don't settle for counseling from someone who has not had professional training!

 

[wayfaring man]

Hi Nessie ,

When I was very young , I was separated from my parents .

It hurt inside for , what seemed like a long time ; But one day as I was studying the Bible , I came across this verse and it jumped out at me -


When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. <-----> Psalm 27:10

Suddenly , I could see how that it was in my struggle to make sense of my hurt and my loss , that I was drawn to seek something beyond this mortal life .

And that trialsome search had led me to Jesus Christ , and the comfort of His Holy Spirit . ( Which I specifically requested , as I began to be able to believe .)

Now , I'm glad I had an unusually hard time of it .

Because , the pain is all gone , and in it's place is a potential , a joy , a meaningfulness , a Fellowship , a Love and Empowerment ; that I scarcely think I would have ever found , if my life would have been agreeably sweet unto me .

As it is written :


He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. <-----> Matthew 10:39

He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. <-----> John 12:25

For thou wilt save the afflicted people; but wilt bring down high looks. <-----> Psalm 18:27

Thank God , and pursue this great advantage for cleaving unto the Lord above all others !

Whom have I in heaven but thee? [ O Lord ] and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. <-----> Psalm73:25

For in him dwelleth all the fullness of the Godhead bodily.
And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power. <-----> Colossians 2:9+10

It may take a little time for this to become " self - evident " , but I testify unto you this day , that if you pour out yourself into the hands of your Blessed Redeemer , allowing this dissatisfaction with your life , to propel you into closeness with the Life of Christ in the Holy Spirit .

You not only will not regret the unfortunate circumstances of your youth , you'll thank God for them !

May this be the case in your case .

( Do what the Lord has bidden you to do - Study His Word , avail yourself to ministering to those who are weaker and are even more afflicted than yourself , and this concept turns into an experience , of the highest order ! )

Peace and Good Will , from Our Lord and Saviour - Jesus Christ .

Amen .

wm

[ Please note : those who cause affliction are not justified on the basis that God will turn things around and make a negative into a positive .]

( See Romans Chapter 3 , esp. verses 8+9 )

 

[wayfaring man]

But please don't settle for counseling from someone who has not had professional training!

" Cha - Ching " $$$

For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God.
For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.
Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?
For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. <-----> 1st Corinthians 1:18-21

Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give.
Provide neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your purses . <-----> Matthew 10:8+9

No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. <-----> Luke 16:13

And when Simon saw that through laying on of the apostles' hands the Holy Ghost was given, he offered them money,
Saying, Give me also this power, that on whomsoever I lay hands, he may receive the Holy Ghost.
But Peter said unto him, Thy money perish with thee, because thou hast thought that the gift of God may be purchased with money.
Thou hast neither part nor lot in this matter: for thy heart is not right in the sight of God.
Repent therefore of this thy wickedness, and pray God, if perhaps the thought of thine heart may be forgiven thee.
For I perceive that thou art in the gall of bitterness, and in the bond of iniquity . <-----> Acts 8:18-23

In whom do we put our confidence ?

One who offers counsel for a price , or one who freely gives it .

How is paying for it a guarantee that it will be right ?

Consider :

But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.
The hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep. <-----> John 10:12+13

Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.
Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were unlearned and ignorant men, they marvelled; and they took knowledge of them, that they had been with Jesus. <-----> Acts 4:12+13

I realize that some of the " free advice " is not good .

And that the intention for saying " seek a pro " was meant to be helpful .

But we would reject Jesus Christ himself , as did the bulk of the scribes and pharisees , if we put our confidence in the institutions of man !

And the Jews marvelled, saying, How knoweth this man letters, having never learned?
Jesus answered them, and said, My doctrine is not mine, but his that sent me.
If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself. <-----> John 7:15-17


Futhermore ,

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. <-----> James 1:5+6

If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him . <-----> Luke 11:13

But the anointing which ye have received of him abideth in you, and ye need not that any man teach you: but as the same anointing teacheth you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it hath taught you, ye shall abide in him . <-----> 1st John 2:27

O how love I thy law! it is my meditation all the day.
Thou through thy commandments hast made me wiser than mine enemies: for they are ever with me.
I have more understanding than all my teachers: for thy testimonies are my meditation.
I understand more than the ancients, because I keep thy precepts. <-----> Psalm 119:97-100


May The Lord Be Glorified !

Sincerely ,

wm

 

[wayfaring man]

but this has caused her problems that have made it hard for her to discover and be her true self and this was the root of her divorce after 25 years of marriage

There's the voice of this world's professionals , echoing across the hollow landscape .

But consider the words of our Lord Jesus .

The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?
And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.
But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given . <-----> Matthew 19:3-11

Our " true self " , is that what the Apostle Paul was referring to when he said ...

O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death? <-----> Romans 7:24

How about " discovering " the " new self " ?!!

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me. <-----> Galatians 2:20

Enthusiastically seeking to help clarify the truth in Jesus .

( With my 8th grade education - Praise God )

wm

 

[Bible Addict]

I don't have any real personal experience with the loss of either of my parents, but I would like to let you know that you're not alone. I can't even begin to image what you must be going through, but hold on to your faith and if you need to, go get help from a professional (from your post it sounds like you did a while back), but it's OK to go back if you need to. Also, you could try talking with your minister/pastor/priest/etc. about it. I'll keep you in my prayers tonight, and if you ever want to talk, you can PM me, I know I can't necessarily relate to this exact issue, but I'm a good listener

Good luck, and God be with you!

 

[TheMainException]

Vanessa...dear sister, I cry for you...my heart mourns, long, silent wails do I lift to the Lord...on a lesser scale I can relate...although my dad never physically abused me, I was left emotionally scarred....I've never felt like I've had a father even though he's been around, he was just never there for me...and so, now, it's hunting me down to kill me...and I don't even know how to stop it...much like you. I thank God continually for this one...he sent into my life a man who I have claimed as my second father and have grown very close to him...sadly this isn't the case in most people's lives...but if you find someone you can look up to like I do...it is so awesome...but it never completely fills that gap...there is always something missing...slowly, very slowly, God will heal that hole in your soul with his love...and it may take your death and resurrection into heaven to finally complete that healing process. First, read about the Father's love in a book by Brennan Manning called "Abba's Child." It is so awesome how much the Father truly loves us and this book can really tell about this....this book is a book, not about how a father beats his children, but how a father takes the blows for his children and dies for them in love alone. Second, if you aren't seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist...maybe you should, talk therapy can be very helpful to get through depression and abuse trauma. Third, talk to your counselor about getting on meds if talk therapy is not enough. Fourth, and finally...I will pray you through this...God won't let you down like your father did with each blow. I will also pray for your father that he might be able to straighten his life out through the Lord God Almighty. Peace, love and joy be with you child, my friend, my sister.

 

[Athena7777]

I know exactly what you are going through. I was sexually abused by my biological father from 6 months of age to four years old. Then, when I was seven years old, my mother remarried and he sexually, physically and emotionally abused me in every way imaginable to the age of 14. My mother was aware of it, but didn't do anything about it because she wasn't right either at the time. The only reason I didn't commit suicide or become a drug addict, prostitue, etc. was because of God. I know you have probably heard this before, but God is the only one who can fill all those empty places we all carry. I don't even harbor unforgivenss anymore. You have to come to the point where you realize that everyday, things will come up to try and destroy you. (People, circumstances, imagination) If you overcome one thing, satan will find something else. You must put your trust, faith, and life in God's hands. He knows exactly what you are going through, and won the victory over it 2000 years ago at calvary. God is our true daddy, and He loves you more than you could ever imagine. I will keep you in my prayers.