Struggling to cope.

[FindingaWay]

I just don't know how to deal with anything right now. After 30 years of pushing everything so deep down inside me that I could almost forget it, suddenly I can't even manage everyday activities without breaking down.
I can't avoid the triggers.. because everything is a trigger... and I am running out of resources. And feeling so guilty.. because I know I should rely on God, I know, in my head, that He is in control.
But deep down, I am so angry with Him that I am afraid.....

 

[unkern]

theres only one thing left you can do be broken and give it all to him. Accept that only he can take it. Forgive everyone of their hardship(because God loves them just as much as he loves you)

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I've heard it said that God is big enough that He can take your anger and honestly, I totally agree with that. While feeling can be terrifying and so painful, it's not a bad thing Hun . Working through everything is probably going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever to, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Running doesn't work forever .

I know it might be difficult, but is there any way at all you could start counselling at all? You need support through all of this Sweetie .

 

[FindingaWay]

No, not really..
just have to get through as best I can...
and hope that I can start to believe that God wants to help... but before I can get there, I need to get past the anger..
where was He?
I know the 'right answers', but...

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I'm not going to give you the 'right' answers Sweetie - the head and the heart know different things. Anger isn't a bad thing. Feeling isn't bad. You're going to get through this Hun.

(And I'm going to keep looking for suggestions for groups, counselling and other areas where I stick my foot where it's not necessarily wanted if you like ).

 

[dizzydoll]

Ive been right where you are even now I find myself in what I call "the dark place". In fact I'm here with you right now. Let me see if I can relate to you what Jesus personally taught me as He has walked this path with me. Nutshell version K? It was never His will that these things happen. He grieves with us. There were times when I felt alone, that God could care less. (I know this sounds like a badaid pat answer that you've heard before) Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. The faking it through life in general and I wanted answers. Falling on my face before His Holiness, I cried out to Him spiritually. This took months because I have a family to care for and life to deal with so it was a process. God gave man the gift of free choice. I believe He did this because of Satan's fall. This free choice is an oppornunity to know Him in a deeper relationship that only free choice will allow. Our creator is a God of His word all the way. This was very hard to get grasp on because when man abuses this gift others get hurt. Why would God allow it? Delving into God's Word, I have discovered that He is not the cold, distant God that I believed Him to be. If only I could articulate the difference learning about who He is has truely made in my life. The only way to understand is to cultivate a daily walk with Him by reading and praying while asking for wisdom. Don't be afraid of your anger but keep submitting it to God. At the same time do not allow yourself to feed it only acknowledge it. Your heart will soon follow. The more I strive to know Him the more peace I have. It is still a work in progress. Find a good source for in depth Bible Study. My fave is http://www.preceptaustin.org/el_roi_-_god_who_sees.htm There is a study on the names of God. It's a great place to start. Reaching out is a touchy situation because nobody knows how to help us. Ask God to reveal where and to whom. Ive been misunderstood and rejected but fortunatly I kept trying and eventually it paid off. At the time I did not understand but I realize that God wanted me to be totally dependant on Him alone. He longed to give me His personal attention but if I had been distracted by depending on others I would have missed the amazing blessings He had waiting just for me. This fourm is an awesome place to start though.
Rev
5 :3 NLT All who are victorious will be clothed in white. I will never erase their names from the Book of Life, but I will announce before my Father and his angels that they are mine.
Don't give up. This is victory is not gained in our flesh because we war against it but by the grace of Jesus alone. We have to keep trusting even when we don't think we can. Don't trust your heart as the Bible tells us it decietful above all things. Love is a commitment. I hope I didn't sound "preachy" thing is I wanted you to know you are not alone, not defective, are loved more than you can imagine. It's not your fault. Sometimes the locusts just come but take a peek at this....Bible in Basic English Joel 2:25
I will give back to you the years which were food for the locust, the plant-worm, the field-fly, and the worm, my great army which I sent among you. He wants to restore us! There are so many things I 'd love to share with you but I'd have to write a book and don't know where to start. Here is one more thing just in case you have any doubts about how much God does care. Copy and paste this into your browser if the link does not work. Just watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e4zgJXPpI4 God put His very fingerprint on us!
Much love
Izzy

I just don't know how to deal with anything right now. After 30 years of pushing everything so deep down inside me that I could almost forget it, suddenly I can't even manage everyday activities without breaking down.
I can't avoid the triggers.. because everything is a trigger... and I am running out of resources. And feeling so guilty.. because I know I should rely on God, I know, in my head, that He is in control.
But deep down, I am so angry with Him that I am afraid.....

 

[FindingaWay]

Thank you.... so much.

 

[Johnnz]

You need someone who can guide and support you through the transforming process. There are no 'quick fixes'. Bible study and prayer alone seldom are effective long term. I have walked down this road with abused women and can attest that change does happen, but it is a process that requires sensitivity and skills.

John
NZ

 

[dizzydoll]

I just wanna say....thank you for being here. Ive gained so much insight from reading your posts.

You need someone who can guide and support you through the transforming process. There are no 'quick fixes'. Bible study and prayer alone seldom are effective long term. I have walked down this road with abused women and can attest that change does happen, but it is a process that requires sensitivity and skills.

John
NZ

 

[FindingaWay]

I don't think there is a way out any longer.
I am losing my marriage, my family.. my mind... and I don't want to go 'through' it.
I've messed things up to an extent that I don't know how to survive any longer.
I'm trying to hold on to the grace of God... but, i don't think i deserve it...
and I know none of us do.... but, at the moment, none of that helps.

 

[Johnnz]

Is there anyone who you can relate to right now? You desperately need some support and encouragement. I have seen people lost in hopelessness find a way out when someone has been there for them.

John
NZ

 

[FindingaWay]

Not really.
I've spoken to my pastor's wife, but... she is very black and white. She prayed with me, which was great, but as far as she is concerned, it is now sorted out.....

 

[Johnnz]

Sadly that is sometimes the pastorial response to a complex issue. But it is not enough. And you recognize that. You know she is nowhere near even understanding what you are dealing with.

You probably can't afford a good therapist either. I feel for you.You can get through it though. Don't be idealistic about what that means. It will be small steps over time, not something sudden.

John
NZ

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Hey Sweetie ,

I don't know what to say here, except that I'm always around if you want to talk (or cry or yell). I can't imagine how much pain you must be in, but I agree with John...one step at a time. If God's big enough to take our anger, He's certainly got long enough arms to pick us up, no matter how far or how hard we fall.

We love you Hun - just as you are. No matter what you might sometimes tell yourself, you were created as an individual. Just like a potter molds one clay pot at a time, you were made with love and a purpose in mind. You're more special and intricate than a snowflake and you have more courage than many I've met. You're going to make it Sweetie and we'll be here beside you the whole way .

 

[Princess Of Yahweh]

I often find it useful to remember that Jesus say he has gone through all the suffering that will can ever experience and so while it is hard just remember that you have a Father in heaven who loves you infinitely.
God Bless

 

[Carolyn H]

I am so sorry you find yourself in such a difficult place. Sometimes we have to hit bottom before we allow God to lift us out of the mud and slime that our lives have taken us to.

I am praying for you sister!!!!

 

[fivepointTULIP]

I often find it useful to remember that Jesus say he has gone through all the suffering that will can ever experience and so while it is hard just remember that you have a Father in heaven who loves you infinitely.

I just wanted to elaborate on this briefly, because as I read it I realised as I read it that it could be easily misunderstood.
Jesus' sufferings in do not mean that your struggles are any less valid or that they are trivial in any way. Personally, for me, the way I read this is that Jesus walks with me every day, and He feels my hurts and pains with me, he experiences my life with me, and truly deeply understands what no one else seems to.

 

[didion27]

Yes, you need to give it to god, but sometimes, giving something to God often requires us to do something, not just pray something, if you get my drift. God wants to use us for his glory, so maybe he wants to use you for his glory by having your healing process be a testament of his love? It can't be a testament to his love if it's just a short prayer and then nothing else. I read this book, and reread it (and still go back to it's truths a lot) because it is heart and mind altering and life altering....not just the general, abstract stuff we hear in church....this stuff will go straight to your core, to the deepest parts of your heart that are scared to meet with God for fear that he will not be trustworthy or safe---

It is called, "The Wounded Heart"
by Dan Allender

 

[FindingaWay]

Thank you
I'll try to find a copy
At the moment, it feels as though there is no way out... I know it's not true, but.... it is so, so hard to see....
And I can't understand how God can still love me when I am such a mess...

 

[Johnnz]

God loves messes. Otherwise none of us would have a relationship with him.

Anyway, how are you going?

John
NZ