Struggling. Please Give Me Your Advice

[iwanttobefree]

Hi.
Where do I begin? How did I end up so utterly drunk I was making out with someone in a hallway last night, when thirty days ago I said I would never do it again?

I started the 'setting captives free' course - though I found it useful, I broke down, twice and I feel I need some feedback from people, so your help is appreciated.

Here are the weird things about my struggles, that make them hard to pinpoint or deal with.

The unwanted desires and attractions:

1. the desires wax and wane. I live and work in a very isolated manner, but if i see an attractive woman on a regular basis if i self gratify its usually a fantasy about her.

2. When I feel strongly spirtual the unwanted attractions are non existent- i do have 'normal' and healthy sexual desire - but it is not overwhelming. This is why I feel that my way out is through God.


I know it is completely wrong, sinful and I am completely disgusted with my behavior.

I had a break down last night and now the thought and sight of the person i had made out with repulses me. How can i keep doing something I hate so much and something that I know is destroying me and my soul.!

i have been struggling to break free of this. the most demoralizing thing is to think I am free and have found God and then have a relapse - it makes me feel as if my faith was false.

it also seems to happen when I am really feeling good - and on a 'good streak' of work, exercise - its almost like a devil trying to destroy me -

I know two things:
a. deep in my heart, I know what i do is wrong and i know it is bad for me.
b. I do believe in God. I have never struggled with the idea of God, but I have never been able to really personalize that belief.

Any insights, thoughts or advice would be most welcome. Thank you.

 

[Bellicus]

Hi, from what I read in your post I don't really think that you are gay or anything, it seems to be clear that there is something about women that turn you on, but that it has developed into something that you are not so happy about.

I would say that your problem is not fetishes or men and specially not women, but lusts.

And I think that what you need is someone that you can love, not just someone that turn you on, like the transvestite you talked about. Do you think that was about love? I don't. I think you were looking for something in him, but didn't quite find it, so that is why you are here and feeling bad about it. Correct me if I am wrong.

I don't have any simple solutions for it. I just wanted to share my thoughts. You might agree or disagree with them. I think that there is a future and hope for you. Seek God, and give all your life to Him, and I think you will find more of what you really want, something that your hearth really desire.

God bless you brother. Hope you will stay on CF

 

[iwanttobefree]

Thank you for your response Bellicus (and unityinlove who sent me a PM - i can't respond to them because I don't have a enough posts yet)

I don't think I am gay - that's what's so annoying about this attraction and behavior -like the fetish - a miswired sexual dysfunction.
-its almost like I am trying to destroy myself.

I came to these forums because I have been doing settingcaptives free but I have a lot of questions and I guess I need feedback.

After these unpleasant episodes, I do often feel a deep spiritual need. Its not a desperation - God pray me or forgive me - its like I realize how empty I am .

I am so tired of this cycle and fighting this. I want to be free.

 

[Bellicus]

I wish I could do something that would make you feel free, but I know I can't, and I am sure that you can't either. But Gal 5:16 says "So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature." and from what I know about Christianity, following the Holy Spirit is the key to freedom, and not to follow the law with it's do and don't, to not trust ourselves, cause even if our mind wants what is good, then the body we live in want something totally different. You say it yourself: "How can i keep doing something I hate so much and something that I know is destroying me and my soul" And it is important to understand that it is not you that do it, but it is the sinful nature that is living in you that destroys you (Rom 7:20). It destroys what is good in you, and only brings you to death in the end.

I used to follow the devil with all my hearth before I became a Christian, and one of my conclusions after looking into my mind was that the evil is without end. I honestly believe that all humans have all evil you can imagine inside of them. Of course this is not something I can talk about to most people. I know that most people rather want to believe that they are something good, and they like to divide the world into good and bad people and play a little game about all of it. And one doesn't have much other choice the to play along. But the apostle Paul said the truth about it:

rom 7:18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

So what can we do? If nothing good lives in us, then how can we do anything good?

I guess the clue is to just give up. To just say: "God, I am evil, I can't do what you want unless you do it for me".

luke 11:11"Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? 12Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? 13If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

For all I know that is the only way to freedom.

Said a prayer for you. God bless you.

 

[iwanttobefree]

Bellicus
again thank you. those passages and your insight is very helpful. and thank you very much for your prayers!

Even anonlymously, this is a bit embarassing to admit a problem-but I hiding it doesn't help either and the only way i will get help is asking. and I really want this out of me!

Looking around forums and online, though I am not happy with this behavior (it happens about every six months) I realize there are people with far greater, unpleasant sexual problems.

I am certainly not 'blaming' society but it does seem that addictions to pornography and increasing sexualization has led to an increase in such problems. Some people say they are out just more out in the open but reading about the spiral of say, addiction to pornography, the more you do it and the more prevalent it is the further you have to go to 'satisfy' yourself. and it could lead good people down very very bad paths.

I have professed to be Christian, I have prayed, I attend church so why would I end up doing this when I despise it so much? Even when I prayed and asked for it to be gone?

perhaps the answer is here:

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

outside of prayer, and going to church was I really living by the Spirit?
Was my heart really filled with the holy spirit vs. not.

As I mentioned earlier, when I feel connected with God, when I feel the Holy Spirit, the sinful desires are non-existent, the idea repulses me.

I do have 'normal' romantic and sexual desires but not uncontrollable or repulsive. "Healthy' I guess.

I suppose I just need to make that my life and not nelgect or forget, or disconnect w/ God.

 

[Bellicus]

Remember that we all are sinners and no matter what we do, there will always be things we will do wrong. So the answer to why sin has happened, might simply be that it can't be avoided that easy. I believe that to reach heaven we are not required to obtain a certain moral standard, but to simply not give up, to keep giving ourselves to God, and to keep going even if the world seem to be fighting against us, and in the end we will find a place where we won't have to struggle anymore.

The bible tells us to get married if we are burning with lusts. And I don't know about you, but personally I think that is the only thing that might give a solution for me. To use the sexuality in a way that is good for both the couple, in the way that God wants it to be, where it don't bring disgrace to ourselves, but is a source of blessings, like it should be. Most people say that sex in all forms is something good and healthy, but honestly I have to say that life would have felt much simpler if I were like a child again and didn't know about it at all.

And I agree about the sexualization in the soceity. Even if I just read the news on the internet there might be articles with illustration about nudity and sex. And everywhere I go in the city there is hints toward sex. On tv there is always something about sex. It is everywhere. It is a natural part of the world, so a person would have to hide inside a box the rest of the life to never see something that might be tempting. Everyone seem to brainwash each other that sex is the most important thing in the universe, and many people will gladly give up dignity, self-respect, money and most of what they have, just to get a short moment of sexual pleasure.

I think the world is missing the point though. It might sound like a cliche, but I don't think happiness is in finding someone that is sexually attractive or in sex at all, but to find someone that we really love. I believe in love, I believe that two people can find something in each other that can survive for a lifetime. And sex is just a expression of that.

But it is a meaningless suffering sometimes. The body never stop demanding it. Even if we made 1000 children, still the body would say "make more!". It is like it is written in Ecclesiastes, that the ear never gets filled by hearing, nor the eyes full by looking. It is just vanity. It just keeps repeating endlessly. It is like being thirsty and always getting thirsty again. I guess that is why Paul said that life is Christ for him, and that death is a gain. Cause only God have something to offer that has real value. So I guess we should just continue to seek Him and what He have to offer, and to take everything he have to give, even if we can't give anything back.

john 7:37On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. 38Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

Not sure of any of this helped you. I just shared some of my thoughts. Hoping and praying that you will find that life gets easier, and that you will find freedom from your struggles.

 

[ArchAngel700]

Howdy partner!
I was sexually abused at a young age, which led to sexual problems later.I turned to heavy alcohol abuse at an early age, and eventually hard core drugs.. cocaine, acid etc.. Then, when i was at my lowest on my way to prison, my friend Jesus decided to reveal Himself to me through His Word and peoples. Im 32 now going on 60 or so due to my hard life.lol.None the less Im just a babe in His eyes, praise the Lord! lol. Please let me share with you what ive learned. First off you have to get honest with yourself, youre gonna have enuf trouble overcoming your sins without alcohol or drugs, in fact if you keep addin them in the mix, you may never recover. Your first priority is to ask the God who saved you from hell, and death to deliver you from alcohol. He will do His part, but you have your part as well, you may have to sever some limbs, i.e. new friends etc.. better to go to heaven with no arms and legs than to Hell with a full body friend. Kill the drunk! Alcohol and drugs silence and muffle your conscience which God Himself gave you. Thats why you drink etc.. so you can fulfil your depravity. In other words its easier to sin when your high. Your goal now, is to stop your insatiable craving for pleasure.And find instead the incredible blessing of charity and suffrage for God Almighty! I dont know where you live, but here in america we are a sexually sin saturated society, so knowing that is true, you must now take into account what you are taking in. i.e. television,movies, friends , social activities and even your current occupation. You cannot escape the world, but you can have power over most of what influences you, instead of being influenced by others.I have much more to say if your serios. and of course ill pray for you. in love

 

[iwanttobefree]

Alcohol and drugs silence and muffle your conscience which God Himself gave you. Thats why you drink etc.. so you can fulfil your depravity. In other words its easier to sin when your high

Thank you for your prayers and advice. This is indeed true - drinking for me was/is not a daily problem - its an excuse to engage in this behavior.

I have much more to say if your serios.

Please do. I really want this to end. I have been 'pretty good' at keeping super lustful things out of mylife - for a bit i was drifting towards internet porn, but got off that - it just seems like i go good for a month, six months and boom! I break down again. So any suggestions would help.

Somewhere else on this forum I read that listening to music went to your brain like shooting herion into your bloodstream - I think that is true, and I am good about the music I listen to, movies I watch ( I have no cable) I have been good at turning away...but how good have i been at turning to God?

Bellicus

The bible tells us to get married if we are burning with lusts. And I don't know about you, but personally I think that is the only thing that might give a solution for me. To use the sexuality in a way that is good for both the couple, in the way that God wants it to be, where it don't bring disgrace to ourselves, but is a source of blessings, like it should be.

Bellicus, yes your insights have been very helpful, and I do think marriage would help - not a cure all but simply a reflection of living how God intended. When we don't our natural cravings can get the best of us and we seek to fufill them in un-Godly ways.

 

[ArchAngel700]

Hello again ,
iwant to be free

Its not enuf for you to just abstain from sinful habits and marriage wont fix you either.You must stop the sinful behavior and begin to move forward now in your faith.Repentance is the first step- saying to yourself and others, what God says about sin. and what does God say? He says sin causes death and enmity between you and Him. It does sound to me like your ready to leave your past in the past.Soo heres your next commandment, you see we were given 10 commandments to start with so we could see we dont make the grade for our God(however once you have looked into them and seen you personally as the failure that you are you then seen your need for a blameless savior -who is our beloved Christ Jesus), go out into the world and tell others about what you now know to be true and has set you free.
In order for you to continue in your freedom you must now continue in you freer (Jesus). The only way to do that is by proving your devotion and love and gratitude to Him by sharing Him, using your God given gift(s).That is the next step.
So, if you have truly repented , and God opened the eyes of your heart to your complete helplessness and inability to reach Him on your own then you must now continue in your journey home by proclaiming His grandness, and asking Him to reveal to you His plan for you personally.
You see we all have been given at least 1 thing we can do to glorify our wonderful Savior in our petty lives.Truthfully most have been given more, you have to now decide where youre gonna stand in Him.Unfortuneatly many people only do just enuf to get by, and find themselves saved yet miserable. Dont be one of these , when the solution is so simple.If you need a start specifically do this
1.Pray to God to give you a burden or profound Love for His lost people.
2. Then pray for courage to share His good news with them.
The truth is were so pathetically selfish that most of the time were so worried about us that we dont reach out with the only message that can actually help someone else, and saved us.
Think of someone you love right now.If they died today would they go to hell?You do know that hell is real, i hope. If not then you were given a false gospel and cant have recieved freedom. If so then it should now concern you that someone you love needs you and Jesus right now at all costs to your pride or even your dignity sometimes.
You see real love always tells the truth no matter how painful because only then can a remedy be prescribed.

in love

 

[Criada]

I am praying for you, brother.
It is a very familiar story.. from St Paul onwards, we long to please God, but our sinful nature gets in the way. I have lost count of the times I have come back to Him in tears, asking 'Why? I know it's wrong, I know I don't need anything but You.. and yet, time and again I give in'
And every time, He lifts me, reminds me of His love, and draws me back to Him. We are human.. we fall. The closer we stay to Him, the less we fall.. but it still happens. But, he loves us. Not that He wants us to go on sinning.. but, He never rejects us, whatever we do, and no matter how many times we do it.
Confessing this must have been very hard.. but it is a good thing.
Do you have an accountability partner? I have found that just knowing that I am going to have to tell someone what I have done is a powerful deterrent....

God bless you. He delights in you, never lose sight of that

 

[TimAM]

Hi, I read this in your message:

4. When I feel strongly spiritual the desires and fetishes are non existent-

Perhaps you need to immerse yourself in God's word. Get away from anything that may lead you to your problem. Pray to God and ask him for his help. Stay away from drunkenness (this is where it looks like your problem starts) and when you're depressed or want to get drunk, instead read God's word! Try to read atleast 3-5 chapters a day! You don't have to do it all at one time, just a chapter here and then a chapter in a couple hours. Just make sure to read. Pray after reading for God to help you! Get rid of any temptations (any kind of pornography on your computer, etc.) that could make you want to sin. When feeling lonely, call up a friend (a friend that can help you, not pull you toward getting drunk or anything that could lead to you commiting what you're trying to be set free from) and do something, not sinful. Go out and volunteer and maybe another night do an enjoyable, non-sinful activity. Exercise can help if you're into it! Praying for you!

 

[iwanttobefree]

thank you everyone for your thoughtful and helpful responses! I do think I need to really immerse myself in God's way & word, as people have suggested.

I am looking for an accountability partner and have joined a bible study group. I don't expect any of these things to be panaceas. However, I do expect that if I mindfully practice them, they will help to set me free.

I still find it mind-boggling that I could be attracted to something I find so repulsive and unnatural.

TimAm: getting drunk opens the doors of evil. I admit it is a sin I never took seriously but we only need look at all the broken lives to understand why it is a sin.