struggling hard

[drummingman]

im really struggling hard with something right now that i could use some help with.
when im talking with God in my mind and i say that i wont do something, meaning things that are not sinful, i feel like because i thought what i thought that i get locked into what i thought that i would not do because i was talking to God in my mind. this starts a chain of events in my mind that is full of struggle and pain for me. at that point i have to start begging God to release me from the bondage of not being able to do what i want to do and i have to start begging God to make it ok for me to do what it is that i want to do. the main problem with this is that when i start begging these things thats when all the blasphemous thoughts start coming into my mind and thats when i start to feel like im doing eveything wrong when im begging. so because of the blasphemous thoughts and because i feel like im doing all kinds of things wrong i feel like God does not do what im begging. so i have to keep begging it over and over again trying not to think or have any blasphemous thoughts and trying not to do anything wrong in any way. this is like a nightmare trying to get through most times because i have to keep praying the same things again and again trying to get it perfect and trying not to do anything wrong in any way and trying not to think or have any blasphemous thoughts. this is nearly impossible for me to do.
this causes me so much pain and struggle. when im like this, as i am right now as i type this, i feel like im in bondage that is so hard to get out of. it causes me emotional, mental and physical pain. if i try to just push through and and do what it is that i want to do without begging to be released from the bondage and without begging God to make it ok i feel like im doing something wrong and i have no peace.
if anyone has any good advice i would like to hear it.
thanks.

 

[gracealone]

Hi Drummingman,
Back in the saddle again eh? Bummer!!
So how have you been from your last post to this one? Did you have a period where the OCD wasn't running the show?
It's typical for OCD to wax and wane and as you know it can flare up with stress.
I think it's important for you to be able to identify the main OCD doubt/fear that is driving all the compulsive activity.
So what prompts you to tell God that you won't do these specific things, even though they aren't sinful? And what do you fear will happen if you don't?
It's not God that is making it OK or not OK for you to do these things, it's the OCD.
So if it's the OCD then you simply must make the choice to not let it push you around. Do the things even though it causes a high level of emotional discomfort ie.anxiety to do so.
Get back to basics buddy - figure out and define what the main fear and obsession is that drives the compulsive activity. Then label it OCD, attribute it to the fact that you brain chemistry is causing a misfiring in your fight or flight response, then do your level best to push it into the background of your subconscious mind by not attending to it in any way and refocusing on other activities. Think of it as so much meaningless static on a radio - yes you can hear it but you can also choose to ignore it.
The best way I've found to address my OCD is to treat it very clinically.
Are you still seeing a Dr. for your OCD?
Praying for you,
Mitzi

im really struggling hard with something right now that i could use some help with.
when im talking with God in my mind and i say that i wont do something, meaning things that are not sinful, i feel like because i thought what i thought that i get locked into what i thought that i would not do because i was talking to God in my mind. this starts a chain of events in my mind that is full of struggle and pain for me. at that point i have to start begging God to release me from the bondage of not being able to do what i want to do and i have to start begging God to make it ok for me to do what it is that i want to do. the main problem with this is that when i start begging these things thats when all the blasphemous thoughts start coming into my mind and thats when i start to feel like im doing eveything wrong when im begging. so because of the blasphemous thoughts and because i feel like im doing all kinds of things wrong i feel like God does not do what im begging. so i have to keep begging it over and over again trying not to think or have any blasphemous thoughts and trying not to do anything wrong in any way. this is like a nightmare trying to get through most times because i have to keep praying the same things again and again trying to get it perfect and trying not to do anything wrong in any way and trying not to think or have any blasphemous thoughts. this is nearly impossible for me to do.
this causes me so much pain and struggle. when im like this, as i am right now as i type this, i feel like im in bondage that is so hard to get out of. it causes me emotional, mental and physical pain. if i try to just push through and and do what it is that i want to do without begging to be released from the bondage and without begging God to make it ok i feel like im doing something wrong and i have no peace.
if anyone has any good advice i would like to hear it.
thanks.

 

[drummingman]

hey mitzi. how have you been doing?
thanks for your thoughts. the ocd has its ups and downs but it has been way better lately. i still have struggles but thank God they are not crippling and have not been for some time.
i am still seeing my doc but i have not been to see her in a good while. my dad passed away on may the 7th and i have not gone to see her since before he passed. i hope to go see her soon.
talk to you soon and thanks for reading my thread and for your prayers and thoughts.

 

[gracealone]

[HI Drummingman,
I've been doing pretty good, not perfect by any means, still have those days but just like you nothing really crippling. Thank you so much for asking.
I'm very happy to hear that you're doing so much better.
Having your Father pass away is a huge amount of stress - I am so sorry to hear this. Praying that God will comfort you and your family during this painful period.
I hope you'll stay on top of things by taking good care of yourself - you know eating right, watch the caffiene, working out, getting plenty of sleep etc. and of course I agree you should stay in touch with your Dr. during this tough time.
Any how glad you took the time to post - it's great to hear from you.
Praying as usual,
Mitzi
quote=drummingman;47331239]hey mitzi. how have you been doing?
thanks for your thoughts. the ocd has its ups and downs but it has been way better lately. i still have struggles but thank God they are not crippling and have not been for some time.
i am still seeing my doc but i have not been to see her in a good while. my dad passed away on may the 7th and i have not gone to see her since before he passed. i hope to go see her soon.
talk to you soon and thanks for reading my thread and for your prayers and thoughts.[/quote]

 

[drummingman]

i have been thinking lately about no longer seeing my psychologist anymore. the reason is because i feel like talking with my friend that is a pastor is just more helpful to me. i do plan on continuing to see my psychiatrist for meds though. and being that i just moved im going to have to switch to working wih a different psychiatrist then the one that i have been with for years. im thinking that may be a good thing because i someone new coming at my ocd with a different perspective.
i have been thinkig a lot about the quote, and i cant remember who said it, to do the opposite of what the ocd says. i guess a lot of things boil down to that quote.
if anyone wants to post their thoughts on these things in this post please feel free to do so.

 

[drummingman]

i have been battling hard lately on feeling like im rejecting God and walking away from God by the things that i say, think and do. and when i pray to God to forgive me if i have rejected him or walked away from him and to take me back and save me if im not saved i feel like i have to hurt myself by making my body all tight to show that i mean what im begging for. and when im praying for God to forgive me for rejecting him and walking away from him and for God to take me back and to save me if im not saved i feel like i do things that keep God form doing what im praying. its hard to feel like i can pray these things right enough and good enough to where i have peace that God has forgiven me for recjeting him and walking away from him if that is what i have done and to where i feel like God has taken me back and saved me if im not saved.
this has been happening a lot lately and it causes me a lot of struggle. i cant just ignore thoughts and feelings that i have rejected God and walked away from God because my very soul hangs in the balance.
any advice all?

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi drummingman,

You know, OCD has this great way of making us feeling like the obsession in question is a "life or death" answer. We feel like we MUST answer the question, once and for all, but no matter how many times we answer it, another question, and another question, and another just keep popping up. The doubt always creeps in.

While I don't struggle with the God rejecting me obsession/feeling, I do struggle with saying my prayers over and over again so that I "feel sorry" enough when asking for forgiveness for my sins. If I don't "feel sorry" enough, I have to repeat the prayer until I get the right feeling. This also happens when I don't think that I "felt sincere" enough in my prayers. It can be quite frustrating.

I started limiting myself to only saying the prayer once, even if I get the feeling that I wasn't sincere enough, or sorry enough. It is tough, because my OCD tells me that if I didn't feel those things, then I didn't really mean the prayers, and I'm a bad Christian because of it.

you say:

i cant just ignore thoughts and feelings that i have rejected God and walked away from God because my very soul hangs in the balance.

What if you did ignore the thoughts? I know, the very thought of ignoring such an important question causes a lot of anxiety. Believe me I have totally been there! But what if you did? What if you just said "we'll see" to your thoughts when they tell you that you need to pray for forgiveness once again?

 

[drummingman]

hi sad.
i think that thats awesome that you are able to pray your prayers just once even though you ocd still bothers you. i figure that that should be something that we all shoot for. i know that changing things to a more positive way of doing things is the goal. it can just be very hard, which im sure that you know.

 

[drummingman]

i also really struggle with feeling like i sin all the time. meaning by doing things when i pray or when im just doing normal things like watching tv and things like that. and the kinds of things that im talking about is stuff like feeling like im smiling at bad thoughts or feeling like im giving God the middle finger and things like that. it can be real hard on me because i spend so much time praying for forgivness of sins. i always need to be able to pray for forgivenss for all my sins but i cant really tell sometimes if i have really sinned or if its just the ocd making me think that im sinning.

 

[Jaygrl]

Drummingman, I relate. I have a hard time recovering from my "guilt" feelings after sinning (or what I perceive as sinning). I know logically that God forgives me, but I have a hard time forgiving myself. This also extends to my fiancé; if he says "oh god" or something like that (we are both Christians), I fear that he has sinned/isn't a good Christian and I am "sinning" or making a mistake by marrying him (ROCD mixed in there too)! I am praying for you.

 

[drummingman]

thanks jaygrl for your thoughts and prayers.
i can totally understand what you mean by saying "or what i perceive as sinning" because thats where i get messed up a lot of the time. at times in my mind i perceive a lot of things as sins that are probably not.

 

[RascoeBB]

Hey Drummingman, believe it or not I know exactly what you are going through. I could not do the sinners prayer without blasphemous thoughts, and when I did after I said amen, seconds later blasphemous thoughts come, and I got to do it all over again. That was about 2 years ago. I learned that my faith is a walk and it takes time. I wanted a change right away. Remember the Lord knows things better than us. I just got a book from a co-worker, and I would like to give you a little passage.

Trust the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding. Remember the Lord in all you do, and he will give you success.
Proverbs 3:5-6

What helps me is, no matter what I think or feel, Gods word is true, and the Bible are promises He will never break. Remember He is faithful. He is the same God in the past, today, and forever.

God Bless!!!!!

 

[gracealone]

i also really struggle with feeling like i sin all the time. meaning by doing things when i pray or when im just doing normal things like watching tv and things like that. and the kinds of things that im talking about is stuff like feeling like im smiling at bad thoughts or feeling like im giving God the middle finger and things like that. it can be real hard on me because i spend so much time praying for forgivness of sins. i always need to be able to pray for forgivenss for all my sins but i cant really tell sometimes if i have really sinned or if its just the ocd making me think that im sinning.

Hi Buddy,
It helps me to recognize that my feelings about these types of things are not equal to what is really true. The extreme anxiety of OCD makes these types of things seem to be urgent and therefore we feel that we must attend to them "right now!" So then we find ourselves doing the compulsion which in this case is the praying for forgiveness. The praying compulsion is an attempt to gain certainty or reassurance about the spikes.
In my case, real sins are far more subtle than this. They are chosen attitudes an behaviors that align themselves with my own sin nature. They are not these unwanted/intrusive things that push their way into my subconscious mind. They are usually things that I want to do. I don't feel a sense of urgency about ridding myself of them. Real conviction is so much different than the fear that OCD throws at us. Things like pride and self interest, judging others etc. are the sneaky troublesome sins. That is why David had to say to God, "Search my heart, Oh God, and see if there be any hidden sin in me." When David really sinned with Bathsheba he wasn't concerned about what God thought of it, he really wanted to follow his old nature to let his flesh rule him and he willingly chose to do so. That is what real sin is like.
Hope you're doing better - just keep on keeping on.
Praying for you,
Mitzi

 

[drummingman]

thanks rasco and mitzi.
its hard because a lot of the times i get into these battles where i feel like im rejecting God and then the prayers to be saved and to be taken back are so hard on me because i feel like i have to hurt myself physically to show that i mean what im praying. and if my mind wanders or if anything goes wrong i feel like my prayer does not go threw. prayer when im struggling with something is very hard on me because of the physical and mental things that go on.

 

[drummingman]

still struggling hard with feeling like im rejecting God. i feel like i have to fight to hold on to my salvation anymore because of feeling like im rejecting God. this is very hard.

 

[QUannie]

Prayed for you....
Q

 

[drummingman]

thanks QUannie.

 

[drummingman]

i still struggle with feeling like i reject God all the time. this still causes me a lot of struggle. i really want to be able to beat my ocd, as im sure we all do, i just need the help to be able to beat it for good. i dont want my ocd to rule me, i want to rule it. i want to have peace in my mind and heart. i want to be successful in my life. i dont want the ocd to have the power to mess up my life anymore.
please keep praying for me if you all dont mind.

 

[PilgrimsProgress]

Hi Drummingman,

I will be praying for you... I can relate so much to so many things you have described. I too have felt that when I am in the middle of a really bad attack of this, that every moment that goes by that I have that "anxiety feeling", that I am walking one more step away from Jesus. And that feeling of extreme urgency to repent of the anxiety just makes it worse... I understand completely. I just went through an attack of it 2 days ago, and I just had to hold onto everything that I have learned, everything the Lord has taught me about just holding on, and knowing that even though it really feels like "this time it's the end!" that it is really not... I think knowing that others are struggling also, that you are not alone, and that you are being prayed for, not only by our prayer, but you Jesus is interceding for you... "Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us HOLD FAST our confession, For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weakness, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin." Hebrews 4:14... When I am going through those times, I remember all I can do is just hold fast... sometimes it feels like I am just holding on to something, while a big wave is coming over me, and I'm just trying to hold on.... So I want to encourage you to just hold on, and to try to think on the fact that it was Jesus, not you, who is the perfect sinless sacrifice who passed through the heavens and is now sitting at the right hand of the Father making intercession for you... this helps me to hold on during those times... It does not however take away the anxiety during those times, and I have had to learn that even though the anxiety is still there during those times, I am still safe in the arms of Jesus.... I really hope this helps some, I will be praying...

 

[drummingman]

thanks so much pilgrim!