This is my first post here. This is my situation. I am divorced. I have 2 beautiful daughters. My ex wife is probably the sweetest, kindest person that I've ever met. We have been divorced for a little over a year. We were separated for about 1 1/2 years prior to that. During the entire process, we have remained good friends. She is a christian. I am a christian, atleast I'd like to believe so. I've asked Christ into my heart a long time ago and I know that the holy spirit speaks to me, but I don't really do anything different than other people I know, except that I don't swear. Anyways, the reason for my divorce was infidelity on my part. It happened several times during my marriage, one time in which my wife found out about. I can't explain why I did it. I think my ex is pretty but isn't supermodel material. I have a difficult problem looking at women for their inward beauty as opposed to their outward beauty. After the affair that my wife found out about, we went to counseling, and I promised to her and God that I would never do anything like that again. I truly meant that from the bottom of my heart. We read the bible and prayed together for about a year. For some reason we stopped, and that is when I had another affair. My wife never confronted me about it but we ended up getting a divorce because I told her on several occassions that I wasn't happy being married. She finally couldn't take it any more. Who would blame her. So now, 4 1/2 years after that affair started, I am still with that woman. I've been pushing my ex wife to reconcile now for some time and we have been doing more and more things together. My problem has been that I don't know how to get out of this other relationship. I am not in love with this woman but I can't let her go. I tried many, many times during my separation because I knew that the only way to reconcile with my wife was to end the affair. I couldn't do it. It would last a week and I would return to her. What makes matters worse is that we work in the same building together. She is definitely a different person than she was when I met her. She apologized for ruining my marriage, which was totally my fault. She really cares about me but I haven't been able to open up to her for obvious reasons. I still have strong feelings for my ex. I am more attracted to the woman I am with than I am to my ex... but my ex is everything personality wise that I would ever want from a woman. Not to mention that she is the mother of my children. How do I stop looking past the outward beauty and look at the inner person? Do other men struggle with this problem? I'm sorry for writing a book. I just wanted to tell as much of the story as I could. Thanks.
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Struggling and need help
- Thread starter SearchingForAnswers
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The same way you got married and later wrecked your marriage. You decide to do something and do it.SearchingForAnswers said:
Sure they do. You are not alone by any means.SearchingForAnswers said:
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First and foremost, you are dealing with two issues here. First is your inability to look past physical appearance and see true beauty. The second is that you want restoration in your marriage, but are trying to do so while still in this relationship - that isn't going to work, my friend.SearchingForAnswers said:
The first issue is between you and God. One way to help deal with that is to separate yourself from all women for a while and focus only on God. Allow Him to fix that issue. I guess I don't think that you will be able to deal with that if you are bouncing back and forth (figuratively) between women right now.
The second issue is, admittedly, another thing that only God can do. You cannot restore your marriage - especially while in a relationship with another woman. I believe that only God can do this as well. And I think you have a wonderful opportunity - a circumstance that many of us don't have. You have a frienship with your ex-wife. By the Grace of God, you have a friendship. That's a huge gift in and of itself, so thank God for that daily.
There are some other practical things taht you can do, if God leads. But none of them will mean a hill of beans if you are dual minded - in a relationship yet desiring a different one, in this case.
Above all... Pray.
Sent you a PM as well.
bkg
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I recommend the website www.marriagebuilders.com. It has a ton of stuff on infidelity, how it starts, how it should end, restoration, etc. As a person who had an affair I found that website to be more useful than any book or anything anyone said. But that's just me. I know how it is to not be able to stay away from the other person. I tried twice to "get away" from the improper relationship unsuccessfully, both times confessing to my husband and trying to break all contact. We also worked together. In the end, it took a move to another state. This may be what it takes and it may be painful but just do it. I had to leave a good job behind to do it. I made all the excuses to not do it.
Let me give you one quote from that site I recommended:
"[font=Arial, Helvetica]Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?
[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica]In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure." (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html)
[/font]
Let me give you one quote from that site I recommended:
"[font=Arial, Helvetica]Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?
[/font][font=Arial, Helvetica]In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure." (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html)
[/font]
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I appreciate all of the posts. It seems to me that my biggest problem right now is ending this other relationship. I don't really think that I am sinning for being in it because I am no longer married. But I don't feel like it is God's will for my life. I spoke with a person a few days ago and he told me this quote 'The most miserable place to be is a Christian outside of God's will'... how true that is. The problem is that this person has been a big part of my life for such a long time and I don't know how to let go. Some people may say, just let go. It's not that easy. I don't have a lot of friends because I've devoted most of my time to this other woman. I really need companionship in my life and she gives me that. I honestly can't see ever marrying this woman, our personalities are too different. I also struggle with thinking about her with someone else. I feel like the only way I can keep her from someone else is by being with her myself. I suppose this is very difficult for someone to understand unless they've been in my position. Please pray for me. God knows who I am. Thank you.
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Sometimes you have to give up the good for the best. It sounds like you are convicted from God to return to your wife. You may have gotten a divorce but there are still threads that send you that way. You have children together, and a past that I am sure involves happy memories. Just do it. You can't go both ways. What will matter when you are old and retired? It will be your family and I hope you are there for your children. The "good looking woman" will be old anyway.
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Please don't think I am condemning you, just trying to give you another way to look at this.
I am going to assume that you have not thought about how this is affecting your ex-wife or the woman you can't let go of, since you haven't really addressed it. Think about your sweet ex-wife deciding after all of this that she will give you yet another chance to make your marriage successful. She is terrified that you will hurt her again, that you will have to go, and your daughters will have to adjust once more to the changes that they have no control over or even understanding of. Then, after a while of working very hard to trust you again, give herself completely to you again, and start feeling secure again, she finds out her fears have come true, and you are still with the other woman. Do you think she will remain your friend the next time you hurt her? Do you think she will be able to trust any man quite like she once did you? Now think about the other woman. She knows about your marriage, but why does she continue? Does she have any morals concerning this? If she does, she is probably hurting a great deal over all of this, too, and if you have no intention of ever marrying her and are thinking about trying again with your ex-wife, you need to let her move on and find a healthy relationship where she can benefit. She isn't benefitting a whole lot with you, is she. If you care about her at all, please, let the girl go, no matter what happens with your ex-wife. I truelly believe that you can stay away from her, you just need to make the decision to. Do whatever you have to do to accomplish it, for hers, yours, and your ex-wife's sake, not to mention for the sake of God.
I am praying for you.
I am going to assume that you have not thought about how this is affecting your ex-wife or the woman you can't let go of, since you haven't really addressed it. Think about your sweet ex-wife deciding after all of this that she will give you yet another chance to make your marriage successful. She is terrified that you will hurt her again, that you will have to go, and your daughters will have to adjust once more to the changes that they have no control over or even understanding of. Then, after a while of working very hard to trust you again, give herself completely to you again, and start feeling secure again, she finds out her fears have come true, and you are still with the other woman. Do you think she will remain your friend the next time you hurt her? Do you think she will be able to trust any man quite like she once did you? Now think about the other woman. She knows about your marriage, but why does she continue? Does she have any morals concerning this? If she does, she is probably hurting a great deal over all of this, too, and if you have no intention of ever marrying her and are thinking about trying again with your ex-wife, you need to let her move on and find a healthy relationship where she can benefit. She isn't benefitting a whole lot with you, is she. If you care about her at all, please, let the girl go, no matter what happens with your ex-wife. I truelly believe that you can stay away from her, you just need to make the decision to. Do whatever you have to do to accomplish it, for hers, yours, and your ex-wife's sake, not to mention for the sake of God.
I am praying for you.
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If you cannot let the second woman go, why on earth are you trying to reconcile with your first wife?
Haven't you done enough damage to her and your children, when you had affairs and your divorced?
Face it: you're behavior is selfish.
Leave your ex-wife alone.
She can scripturally REMARRY. You cannot. You can't have your cake and eat it, too....not to sound judgemental, you sound like a nice person, but the truth is that you are being totally selfish here.
Leave your ex-wife alone. She wasn't enough for you when you were married to her ~ why on earth do you think she would be enough now?
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She wasn't enough for me when we were married because I was deeply involved in pornography. I don't believe there would have been anyone 'good enough' for me when I would compare them to the seemingly 'perfect' women that I was viewing. I agree with you, i was being 100% selfish. I'm not trying to be selfish now though. I have ended the relationship with this other woman. Something that is very difficult to deal with but that I know is the right thing to do. I do believe that it is God's will for my ex-wife and i to reconcile but I also understand that I have to come clean with her about everything. I could never start over again with all of these lies. It's is totally in God's hands now. I don't know what he has in store for me but I know that I can't continue to stay outside of His will for me.
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praying for your marriageMicaiah
Well-Known Member
You are demonstrating classical behaviour of a person Scripture calls a fool. I would advise your wife to stay well away from you. Scripture makes it clear that adultery is grounds for divorce. You have destroyed the most precious relationship on earth. The fact that you are still with another woman shows you are unreliable , and have not changed your behaviour.
From a Christian perspective, I'd suggest you focus on getting out of the mess in which you currently find yourself. Only a vital relationship with Christ can change your heart and life.
From a Christian perspective, I'd suggest you focus on getting out of the mess in which you currently find yourself. Only a vital relationship with Christ can change your heart and life.
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