Struggling again

[lmarie23]

I started struggling with self-injury 8 years ago, my freshman year of college. Since then I have struggled with it off and on. It's frustrating because I keep thinking that I am over it, and then struggling with it again. The obsessive thoughts are the worst. I went a year and a half without doing it and my counselor thought I was cured, and then this past spring I fell back into it. It was so frustrating. Only a few times, but I knew I wasn't cured. Lately the obsessive thoughts have been very difficult, I've been wanting to do it a lot.

I'm trying to formulate a plan on how to keep myself from falling back into self-injury. My friend told me I need to call someone if I'm struggling. Unfortunately, calling someone doesn't usually help. Usually by the time that I call them, I want to hurt myself so much that I often hang up the phone with them and do it anyways. And then I feel bad, because I don't want them to feel bad for not helping me, so then I make sure to not tell them, and hide it from everyone of course.

It helps me to write poetry when I am struggling but lately I've been really depressed and my poems end up being too depressing, and writing them just makes me focus on my problems. And when I want to hurt myself, it's hard for me to convince myself that it's a bad idea. I know it sounds absurd, but I start believing all these lies about how it doesn't matter if I hurt myself, it won't change anything, and then all the obsessive thoughts will go away.

The other night when I was struggling, I went online to try to find something that would remind me of the consequences of self-injury. i couldn't seem to find anything, just articles explaining why people do it and message boards like this one. I don't know, I know it seems obvious that this is not healthy, but I would like to find something with concrete specific reminders to read over when I'm struggling. Any ideas?

I used to struggling with cutting, but lately I just want to choke myself all the time. It worries me because I think it could so easily get out of hand.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Welcome to this part of the board! You mention you’re trying to find ways to stop yourself when you’re triggered...have you had a look at this sticky at all to see if there’s anything there that may help? As well, do you know what your triggers are (you don’t need to post them here, just be aware of them yourself) and ways that you could avoid them when possible?

In terms of the effect of SI on your body, you might find parts of this article interesting, although, summarised, SI can become addictive in that it releases beta-endorphins for that 'feel good' feeling, but the more you do it the more you need to get that same feeling and need to cut deeper to receive more endorphins. Doing it over a long period of time can also damage outer nerves and distort your pain receptors for later life (which becomes dangerous when pain = danger).

 

[Everlasting33]

Marie,

I know the struggles of self-harm and the negative emotions that go with it. Overcoming it first takes self-awareness, understanding and a goal. A goal to maximize one's capacity to live in harmony, peace, and love with not only others but with ourselves.

Although what I may state sounds like common sense, I think it needs to be said. If you and I are truly hurting and the foundation of our mental state is based on self-hate (inadequacy, insecurity, shame, guilt, feeling unlovable), we will soon begin to show overt (observant) behavior of our inner pain.

For example, most people who self-harm feel negative emotions and not knowing how to deal with the stress, they take it upon themselves. Why? Well, there is no basic sense of self-value and worth. Human beings will rarely subject harm upon themselves if there is self-love and acceptance.

By harming oneself, you are thus acting out all of your inner rage and disgust by saying, " I am not worth much! I deserve this pain! I am pathetic! I am no good!"

How about I make an analogy. Most people value and cherish their cars. Their cars get them to their desirable destinations and provide security and independence. Most people will not deliberately plow their car into a tree and keep driving. Most people do not get a hammer and begin to smash the windows. Why? Well, because the car is important to us and if we damage it, we lose a great deal.

But to the self-harmer, there is no sense of loss by harming ourselves. We feel shame, guilt, and many negative emotions but in a way we feel we don't deserve compassion, warmth, gentleness, forgiveness, love and acceptance. We aren't of value and we show it by self-harm.

There is something going on within you that is causing so much pain. There is something within you that hates, despises, and disgusts you. There is something in you that wants to destroy your very life. It could be physiological and psychological. But perhaps it is something different: a hurting inner child.

I have been advocating the inner child concept for a while because I have seen results in my own life. I have also been involved in many self-help books (Fear of Intimacy, Inner Bonding, Breaking the Chain of low self-esteem) and therapy that have strengthened my ability to understand my pain.

Here is a very helpful site about the inner child: http://www.joy2meu.com/innerchild.html

"By searching out, getting acquainted with, owning the feelings of, and building a relationship with, these different emotional wounds/ages of the inner child, we can start being a loving parent to ourselves instead of an abusive one. "

The biggest consequence of self-harm is that is it both self-defeating and destructive. The peace and self-love and acceptance that you desire for yourself will only be lost if self-harm is continued. We defeat ourselves by engaging in ways that will only decrease our chances of overcoming the pain inside.