Please, I ask you, to read my story with a Christian heart and tell me what to do. Get ready to see my long life story as I and my family has viewed it: I grew up in Mexico, only knowing spanish. We moved to the US because of my younger Autistic brother, for more opportunities. Struggles have been fought with my Autistic brother, especially for my mother. I grew up basically being ignored. My mother even admitted ignoring me because she was busy with my brother. I have never had troubles with myself or noticed anything until at the age of 15, when a great depression came over me. I wanted to end myself. My mother cried every night. My family was a stress and a mess. My older brother was doing drugs. Psychologist and medicine were included in my life, and they helped but even the psychologist had trouble with me. After almost 2 years, I broke free, with the help of God and my Mother who cares for me and loves me. The causes of my depression back then: My best friends left me for another school, feelings of depression, pornography, and anxiety. I praise the Lord for pulling me out of this.
But, it has come back. Through the last day at my school, a girl confesses to me. I reject her kindly. Long story short, we talked through the whole summer, 3 months of long talks through the phone. I started liking her. She was so kind, so cute and innocent. I went out with her. I was emotionally drained when I began with her. She would ignore me on purpose, she slowly turned into this other person that I didn't meet at first, into this other girl. I began to think that I've fallen in love with her, she hurt me many times, verbal abuse. After a month of going out with her, I did the brave thing and broke it up. She didn't care. Where was this kind cute innocent girl I met? She says she cares about me and all. I got into a great depression again. I began to do all wrong things, I began to think so negative, I over-think everything and crave girls to like me. My soul has been dying, and everyday it seems as though Satan doesn't leave me alone, whispering in my ears all day. I pray to God, and it works, but I become so ignorant and leave Him right off. My ex has not been killing me, but I've been killing myself. I can't stop thinking so negative, I can't stop thinking of doing this or that or else God will punish me, or Satan will torture me more.
I used to have so much to do, useless things such as Video games and anime. But, I gave all those things up because I started to think like my parents and see all those things as Satanic. Now, I have nothing to do at home, alone in my room all day, playing a guitar. Sounds normal, but I haven't been happy ever since I left all those things about 2 years ago from my depression years.
I judge myself alot also. I have panic attacks simply because I see myself in the mirror and I see something I don't like, for example my hair is wrong and I panic and it kills me. Clothing also does this. I have this thing where my mind randomly says bad words to people, sometimes I can't stop it. My mother has asked me if I ever wonder if I need medicine again, but I really don't want to go back there, even though I think I do need it very badly. I've been thinking so many times on giving up on praying to God, because it seems everytime I do the next thing I know I get attacked so hard by the Enemy. I don't remember ever being attacked by the Enemy back when I wasn't as close to God. I need help Christians.
My Ex has been doing good, trying to talk to me and be friends, but I can't stop thinking about her. I've met another girl already, but my Ex's old ways come to me and I act like her(she was very paranoid). I can't let go of her, I've tried very much. She already likes another boy and at random times I'm cool with it and the next I'm dying because of it. I care too much of what people think, all the time. Through the school day, that's all I think of, and I can't stop.
I'm not sure what to do anymore, Christians, I've been attacked and I've been struggleling, and I wish one person could tell me what to do and what not to do. Please, I ask you, to read my story with a Christian heart and tell me what to do. Pray for me, I can't handle this by myself any longer.
To finish this off, I just want to say that at random times I am in peace, and in other times I am in struggle and depression. At random times I'm cool with my situation in my social life, and at others I explode in social anxiety/phobias. At random times, I see myself in the mirror and see this handsome man, and at others I see this other ugly person.
All this months I've been struggleling with myself, and it seems as though I've been struggleling for YEARS. All these days I've been sleeping all day, doing nothing but negative thoughts, fear of playing video games or watching anime due to my social phobia or that its satanic. Thinking constantly about my Ex.
I want to apologize if this is too much for you to read, or for you to handle and think clearly. I'm not seeing any psychologist/taking any medication by the way. I would of asked help from somewhere else, but I want members of the Christian community to see this and tell me what they think.
Thank you for reading.
But, it has come back. Through the last day at my school, a girl confesses to me. I reject her kindly. Long story short, we talked through the whole summer, 3 months of long talks through the phone. I started liking her. She was so kind, so cute and innocent. I went out with her. I was emotionally drained when I began with her. She would ignore me on purpose, she slowly turned into this other person that I didn't meet at first, into this other girl. I began to think that I've fallen in love with her, she hurt me many times, verbal abuse. After a month of going out with her, I did the brave thing and broke it up. She didn't care. Where was this kind cute innocent girl I met? She says she cares about me and all. I got into a great depression again. I began to do all wrong things, I began to think so negative, I over-think everything and crave girls to like me. My soul has been dying, and everyday it seems as though Satan doesn't leave me alone, whispering in my ears all day. I pray to God, and it works, but I become so ignorant and leave Him right off. My ex has not been killing me, but I've been killing myself. I can't stop thinking so negative, I can't stop thinking of doing this or that or else God will punish me, or Satan will torture me more.
I used to have so much to do, useless things such as Video games and anime. But, I gave all those things up because I started to think like my parents and see all those things as Satanic. Now, I have nothing to do at home, alone in my room all day, playing a guitar. Sounds normal, but I haven't been happy ever since I left all those things about 2 years ago from my depression years.
I judge myself alot also. I have panic attacks simply because I see myself in the mirror and I see something I don't like, for example my hair is wrong and I panic and it kills me. Clothing also does this. I have this thing where my mind randomly says bad words to people, sometimes I can't stop it. My mother has asked me if I ever wonder if I need medicine again, but I really don't want to go back there, even though I think I do need it very badly. I've been thinking so many times on giving up on praying to God, because it seems everytime I do the next thing I know I get attacked so hard by the Enemy. I don't remember ever being attacked by the Enemy back when I wasn't as close to God. I need help Christians.
My Ex has been doing good, trying to talk to me and be friends, but I can't stop thinking about her. I've met another girl already, but my Ex's old ways come to me and I act like her(she was very paranoid). I can't let go of her, I've tried very much. She already likes another boy and at random times I'm cool with it and the next I'm dying because of it. I care too much of what people think, all the time. Through the school day, that's all I think of, and I can't stop.
I'm not sure what to do anymore, Christians, I've been attacked and I've been struggleling, and I wish one person could tell me what to do and what not to do. Please, I ask you, to read my story with a Christian heart and tell me what to do. Pray for me, I can't handle this by myself any longer.
To finish this off, I just want to say that at random times I am in peace, and in other times I am in struggle and depression. At random times I'm cool with my situation in my social life, and at others I explode in social anxiety/phobias. At random times, I see myself in the mirror and see this handsome man, and at others I see this other ugly person.
All this months I've been struggleling with myself, and it seems as though I've been struggleling for YEARS. All these days I've been sleeping all day, doing nothing but negative thoughts, fear of playing video games or watching anime due to my social phobia or that its satanic. Thinking constantly about my Ex.
I want to apologize if this is too much for you to read, or for you to handle and think clearly. I'm not seeing any psychologist/taking any medication by the way. I would of asked help from somewhere else, but I want members of the Christian community to see this and tell me what they think.
Thank you for reading.
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