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Struggles with me, myself, and God. (Long)

Danny34

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Please, I ask you, to read my story with a Christian heart and tell me what to do. Get ready to see my long life story as I and my family has viewed it: I grew up in Mexico, only knowing spanish. We moved to the US because of my younger Autistic brother, for more opportunities. Struggles have been fought with my Autistic brother, especially for my mother. I grew up basically being ignored. My mother even admitted ignoring me because she was busy with my brother. I have never had troubles with myself or noticed anything until at the age of 15, when a great depression came over me. I wanted to end myself. My mother cried every night. My family was a stress and a mess. My older brother was doing drugs. Psychologist and medicine were included in my life, and they helped but even the psychologist had trouble with me. After almost 2 years, I broke free, with the help of God and my Mother who cares for me and loves me. The causes of my depression back then: My best friends left me for another school, feelings of depression, pornography, and anxiety. I praise the Lord for pulling me out of this.
But, it has come back. Through the last day at my school, a girl confesses to me. I reject her kindly. Long story short, we talked through the whole summer, 3 months of long talks through the phone. I started liking her. She was so kind, so cute and innocent. I went out with her. I was emotionally drained when I began with her. She would ignore me on purpose, she slowly turned into this other person that I didn't meet at first, into this other girl. I began to think that I've fallen in love with her, she hurt me many times, verbal abuse. After a month of going out with her, I did the brave thing and broke it up. She didn't care. Where was this kind cute innocent girl I met? She says she cares about me and all. I got into a great depression again. I began to do all wrong things, I began to think so negative, I over-think everything and crave girls to like me. My soul has been dying, and everyday it seems as though Satan doesn't leave me alone, whispering in my ears all day. I pray to God, and it works, but I become so ignorant and leave Him right off. My ex has not been killing me, but I've been killing myself. I can't stop thinking so negative, I can't stop thinking of doing this or that or else God will punish me, or Satan will torture me more.
I used to have so much to do, useless things such as Video games and anime. But, I gave all those things up because I started to think like my parents and see all those things as Satanic. Now, I have nothing to do at home, alone in my room all day, playing a guitar. Sounds normal, but I haven't been happy ever since I left all those things about 2 years ago from my depression years.
I judge myself alot also. I have panic attacks simply because I see myself in the mirror and I see something I don't like, for example my hair is wrong and I panic and it kills me. Clothing also does this. I have this thing where my mind randomly says bad words to people, sometimes I can't stop it. My mother has asked me if I ever wonder if I need medicine again, but I really don't want to go back there, even though I think I do need it very badly. I've been thinking so many times on giving up on praying to God, because it seems everytime I do the next thing I know I get attacked so hard by the Enemy. I don't remember ever being attacked by the Enemy back when I wasn't as close to God. I need help Christians.
My Ex has been doing good, trying to talk to me and be friends, but I can't stop thinking about her. I've met another girl already, but my Ex's old ways come to me and I act like her(she was very paranoid). I can't let go of her, I've tried very much. She already likes another boy and at random times I'm cool with it and the next I'm dying because of it. I care too much of what people think, all the time. Through the school day, that's all I think of, and I can't stop.
I'm not sure what to do anymore, Christians, I've been attacked and I've been struggleling, and I wish one person could tell me what to do and what not to do. Please, I ask you, to read my story with a Christian heart and tell me what to do. Pray for me, I can't handle this by myself any longer.
To finish this off, I just want to say that at random times I am in peace, and in other times I am in struggle and depression. At random times I'm cool with my situation in my social life, and at others I explode in social anxiety/phobias. At random times, I see myself in the mirror and see this handsome man, and at others I see this other ugly person.
All this months I've been struggleling with myself, and it seems as though I've been struggleling for YEARS. All these days I've been sleeping all day, doing nothing but negative thoughts, fear of playing video games or watching anime due to my social phobia or that its satanic. Thinking constantly about my Ex.
I want to apologize if this is too much for you to read, or for you to handle and think clearly. I'm not seeing any psychologist/taking any medication by the way. I would of asked help from somewhere else, but I want members of the Christian community to see this and tell me what they think.
Thank you for reading.
 
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Lange

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Heyya!

You may want to try changing your medication (talk to your psychiatrist) because they may be able to help stablize your moods.

As far as praying and being hammered, I do believe that Satan will try and rip into you when you are struggling. From that standpoint, it makes sense to.

For me, I like to remember Romans 5:3-5 "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

- Good luck and best wishes
 
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redeemerlives

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I'm going through a lot of what you are going through, but in a different context. It feels like a jinx, or even a curse. I do not understand why things are so strange. I've never been in a relationship, but I feel like I need one and I can't meet the right person because they didn't accept me for who I am. That hurts, it brings me anger and sadness and heartache for them having too many standards.

The other thing you mentioned about being afraid of satanic things, well the devil is here in my life, too. He took away a lot of my happiness through not letting me have that special someone. Now I'm trying to find ways to be as happy as I can. I have many people who love me, but somehow I feel worthless and empty. I have friends, too, but God did not want me to be too happy for some reason. Or is it satan? I pretty much do everything: go to the movies, work, go out to eat, a party or two, go shopping, drive around, talk to many people, even work out, but something is missing.

If I were you, I'd try staying busy, like I'm doing. My situation hurts me a lot, and the more I sit around doing nothing, the worse it gets. Even when I'm busy it catches up to me, but when doing nothing, the thoughts can get scary. I also try talking as much as possible.

It's so difficult to understand the way God works. Instead of providing me with what I asked for, over the past few years, he keeps taking away from me. Taking away happiness. I'm basically struggling to stay active and busy until he can bring it back, if he even ever does. I live on hope, a hope that is shaky. I have anxiety and panic attacks sometimes, too. About seeing a psychiatrist? It's a personal choice. I feel like I am better than having to see one of them, but if psychiatrists know how to help bring happiness into people's lives in tough times, then maybe that would be a good idea for one or both of us. Otherwise, what's the point?

Best of luck to you in your situation.
 
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When you accept the spirit of Jesus in your life, you automatically think that everything and everybody you know and meet in your life would become perfect, like a magician waving a magic wand: Hey Presto! Your life is fixed instantly. Tragically that is not the case for everyone. People are trapped in some kind of negative emotional prison and praying for an escape route to free themselves from pain and depression, and to bring the joy and peace of Christ in their lives. Prayer at home is one choice, but another choice is to simply go to church where Christ in the hearts of other church-goers can become one body in Christ, one body that can magnify the healing power of the holy spirit so much, sufferers with incurable diseases would be healed. Being involved in church discussion groups in people's homes can bring peace and joy if you are not too busy at work.
:liturgy:
:cool:
 
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bluelime2

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The bible tells us that before Christ died, he said to his disciples 'fear not, for I have overcome the world'. Why would he say this? Because he struggled also and knows what we go through.

Like already stated, christianity isn't going to suddenly make your whole life a bed of roses and keep it that way. Trials are part of the christian life but christ also died so that we could have life and life more abundant. He came to set the captives free, but that doesn't mean he's a big santa claus.

Living the christian walk irons out a lot of problems in our lives because it removes sin from our life and its consequnces. However overcoming sin and gaining freedom in certain areas can take time. So can healing and getting free from satans strongholds in our life (like depression, illness, pornography etc.)

Like already said. Go to church. Start building prayer and bible study habits and go to a church that will baptize you in the holy spirit. You need all of the help you can get and God wants to set you free and will be able to do so the closer you draw to him.

Some churchs (particularly the ones you see on TV) will try to make the gospel and christian walk sound a lot easier then it is because it makes them popular. God is love but he isn't a magician and everybody (who's genuine) has to slog through the hard yards, one way or the other. However God is faithful and promises to deliver us out of everything eventually. He's for us not against us but he's also God and that never changes. If he had favourites (in an unearned and unfair way) he wouldn't be fair, and God is fair. Completely.

God is love. Love him the very best you can and love others by treating them the way that you'd want them to treat you, and you're in the very core of christianity and what it's all about. Even just doing that without an understaning of more complex theology will place you in the best possible position as a christian. Keep in that place as you grow and you can't go wrong.

The bible promises that as we draw near to God, he draws near to us, that means he'll meet every effort we make. He also promises never to leave or forsake us which means he'll never leave us hanging ultimatly. Only test us at times which everyone must go through. However because he is perfect he can't compromise his nature and so we always have that as our final guarantee. To the faithful he is faithful. As long as we're doing what we can, it's ok. We'll make it. If it was otherwise, God wouldn't be who he claims to be.
 
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RuthD

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Hi Danny,
I know you are a good Christian and a wonderful child of God. You have a lot going for you and the bad struggles too. I think you could go back to your psychiatrist and counselor to stop your suffering so much. I have felt like you, too. I feel much better in the care of my psychiatrist and counselor. I hope all the best for you.
 
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