Struggles even when I was a kid

[enelya_taralom]

sorry this can be deleted. I'm dealing with my issues in another manner

 

[Marie D]

First of all, I think you *must* break this damaging cycle of behaviour. What you're doing is self abuse, and like all forms of abuse it changes your perception of what's normal and can interfere with positive emotions and relationships.
Luckily you say yur sex drive had reduced recently so the temptations shouldn't be too hard to overcome. If you have a perverted thought, don't act on it! And don't kid yourself that 'm' is some form of punishment - it's the reverse, a self indulgence. A punishment would be to deprive yourself of something you enjoy, or hurt yourself, to deter your lustful thoughts.
Once you've killed this harmful cycle, helped by prayer, you can turn your energy instead to positive things - helping out at church, looking after the elderly, raising money for charities, counselling those who've been suffering.
Once you start giving love to other people instead of yourself you will be on the path towards spiritual health and the possibility of forming a romantic relationship with a good Christian man will return.

 

[enelya_taralom]

Well all good advice in theory, except for the fact that I already give to others more than I do myself. My problems go beyond doing things for others in order to achieve spiritual health. I mean I was VERY sexually messed up at the age of ten (or possibly younger), before I even fully understood what I was doing and thinking, and all without ever being taught such behaviour. The difference between me and a great many of adults who lead messed-up lives it that I was never abused, traumatized, taught etc such behaviour as a kid by my parents. I seem to have come up with such thoughts and learnt such behaviour all by myself, and at an age when I should have been "innocent" and "pure", nonetheless. As such, because my problems do run deeper and seem to have no rythmn or reason, I decided to seek the counsel of people I know and/ or professionals rather than that of just anybody who happens to stumble across a fairly vague post. But thanks for trying anyway