Struggle with making friends

[timewerx]

I don't see why be friends with her anymore. This isn't the first time she has ignored me. I don't see it beneficial to be friends with her anymore.

She is not even open to hearing about my faith in Jesus. The one time I said in front of her "I thanked God", she got mad at me. I'm sure if I said anymore, she would gladly report me to HR.

Besides, I don't think she would even want to hear the concerns I have about her immoral relationship. She is a lesbian in an immoral relationship with a woman. That group has concerning statistics on abuse and violence. While I don't want to see either of them get hurt, you can't do anything about a person that doesn't want to hear the truth.

You can still "lead" her by example.

I personally keep my Christian ways private. I tell people I'm Christian if they ask but I don't pray in public for example or don't let other people see me pray. I don't refer to God nor Jesus when other people are around who may not be Christians nor listen to Christian music in a way that others can hear it.

It's actually Biblical to keep our ways to ourselves (Matthew Chapter 6).

And for good reasons. There are many people who dislike Christians and sadly for the wrong reasons. Usually, negative experiences with Christians who did them harm.

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

You can still "lead" her by example.

I personally keep my Christian ways private. I tell people I'm Christian if they ask but I don't pray in public for example or don't let other people see me pray. I don't refer to God nor Jesus when other people are around who may not be Christians nor listen to Christian music in a way that others can hear it.

It's actually Biblical to keep our ways to ourselves (Matthew Chapter 6).

And for good reasons. There are many people who dislike Christians and sadly for the wrong reasons. Usually, negative experiences with Christians who did them harm.

If people clearly are likely to harm you when they would know you're a believer, yes, keeping a low profile makes sense. And in a professional/work context I also make sure I don't explicitly/loudly profile myself as a believer as I also would be annoyed if others would do that in case they're Muslim or Hindu.

Otherwise however I do make an effort to let others know subtly what my faith is; it's a great way of allowing others to take that it and pose questions on the subject. We should let our light shine in our environment.

 

[timewerx]

If people clearly are likely to harm you when they would know you're a believer, yes, keeping a low profile makes sense.

Usually from negative experiences with Christians. There's even worse, the children of the devil will know the children of the light even if you keep your faith totally secret.

 

[bèlla]

I don’t think the majority know how to be friends anymore or what it means to invest in another person and get the same in kind. I think there’s a lot of wounded people forging bonds from their pain and trying to heal through the connection instead of seeing a therapist. I think a lot of people are looking for yes men who agree with them and support them unreservedly even when they feel otherwise. And more than a few are looking for social buddies they can hangout with or post in images online but the connection has no substance. I wouldn’t expect a me-centered society to breed friendships when the majority are thinking of themselves.

Whenever someone expresses a desire for friendship I always think within myself why? That may sound rhetorical but the question has merit and answering it can be insightful. If you jot down the reasons you want a friend your responses may surprise you. We usually have several things we want from the other. Which leaves little room for authentic relating. Instead of determining who we’ll be to another; why don’t we allow them to show us what‘s needed or ask instead.

We don’t know how to listen anymore and our agenda gets in the way. We don’t understand pacing in respect to connection or intimacy either. We expect things to move faster and communicate along those lines. To combat that requires us to forgo technology’s influence and get back to basics. If discourse is a struggle there’s help for that and Toastmasters is a good source. They have local groups and meetings online if there isn’t one in your area and many meet afterward and develop connections.

I think the internet can be part of that but I’d limit it to activities that go beyond this realm. Like a group that meets locally or has conferences you can attend. I made a decision to live backwards a few years ago and told someone the other day that I preferred letters over email, calls instead of text messages and quality time instead of busyness. That isn’t possible if we’re feeding the things that leave us wanting.

Activity is frequently recommended and that includes everything from exercise, church attendance, hobbies, classes and cultural events. And prayer is another element that I wouldn’t discount and fasting too. If you’re struggling in this area bring the matter to the Lord and fast for divine connections and friends. Serving in a ministry or volunteering is another avenue. The more you put yourself in a position to meet people who share your interests the more the discourse will flow because of your similarities. Knowing what you like is helpful and don’t limit it to experiences. Make a bucket list of sorts to help you find your people. They won’t be identical but it’s a starting point.

I’m in a similar season myself and the hiatus is intentional. I need different people for this leg of the journey than I did in the past. There’s places the Lord takes us that require different companions. Which begets another question in turn. Where are you heading? Start with the end in the mind and the rest may reveal itself. I see possibilities if you pursue your writing. Don’t set it aside. ;-)

~bella

 

[Saucy]

You are always welcome to text me anytime! And I know friendship is a two-way street, and I should initiate as well haha. Sorry about that! I know it's different than having someone to physically hang out with. I have tried to make friends at work, but being a chaplain in a secular company, not to mention one of the only males among women, I often feel like the odd man out.

 

[RileyG]

Do you all struggle to make friends or keep them? Is it supposed to be hard finding someone?

Yup. I'm in the same boat. I thought I had "friends" during college, but they all abandoned me. I prefer being alone. People just irritate me too much.

 

[RileyG]

I have a much easier time establishing friendships of sorts with people from CF and other sites than I do in the real world. As for finding someone, I gave up on that long ago, at least as far as women I know locally. I think it comes down to what social opportunities one has.

Amen! I've been online for nearly 20 years. I prefer online people to "real life."

 

[.Mikha'el.]

Amen! I've been online for nearly 20 years. I prefer online people to "real life."

Well, you know my inbox here or at Facebook is always open to you if you want to talk about literally anything.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Amen! I've been online for nearly 20 years. I prefer online people to "real life."

Do you honestly think that's healthy?

 

[RileyG]

Do you honestly think that's healthy?

Eh? I guess I’ve been hurt so much, I don’t really care about in real life “friends.” I don’t have any contact with anyone outside my immediate family, except for work.

 

[RileyG]

Well, you know my inbox here or at Facebook is always open to you if you want to talk about literally anything.

Thank you, sir! I very much appreciate it

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Eh? I guess I’ve been hurt so much, I don’t really care about in real life “friends.” I don’t have any contact with anyone outside my immediate family, except for work.

So you don't even have friends through the church community you attend?

 

[RileyG]

So you don't even have friends through the church community you attend?

I live in a small city.

 

[bèlla]

So you don't even have friends through the church community you attend?

Hey Stranger! How are you?

 

[peaceful-forest]

Eh? I guess I’ve been hurt so much, I don’t really care about in real life “friends.” I don’t have any contact with anyone outside my immediate family, except for work.

That was how I felt in my 20s. I had a bad experience with someone I thought was a friend. She ended up doing the same things as someone else that was supposed to be my friend in high school. She never apologized. I had decided that this was always going to happen, so I didn't bother to make friends afterwards.

But I do wish I had close friends now. Friends that just don't abandon you for whatever reason.

 

[RileyG]

That was how I felt in my 20s. I had a bad experience with someone I thought was a friend. She ended up doing the same things as someone else that was supposed to be my friend in high school. She never apologized. I had decided that this was always going to happen, so I didn't bother to make friends afterwards.

But I do wish I had close friends now. Friends that just don't abandon you for whatever reason.

I work in retail so I’m around people all the time. As an introvert, that’s enough socialization for me. I find it incredibly exhausting.

 

[peaceful-forest]

I work in retail so I’m around people all the time. As an introvert, that’s enough socialization for me. I find it incredibly exhausting.

I had a job in quality. That is a job for extroverts, not introverts! It was exhausting confronting the same people on their work quality.

My experience has been it takes energy to put on a front (an act) for others; and after some time, you just can't keep it up anymore.

 

[timewerx]

I had a job in quality. That is a job for extroverts, not introverts! It was exhausting confronting the same people on their work quality.

My experience has been it takes energy to put on a front (an act) for others; and after some time, you just can't keep it up anymore.

Even extroverts complain at that job!

After you've worked alone for a long time, you're going to crave being around people, even around the difficult ones even if you're a total introvert.

 

[bèlla]

Eh? I guess I’ve been hurt so much, I don’t really care about in real life “friends.” I don’t have any contact with anyone outside my immediate family, except for work.

Everyone isn’t bad and I’m certain you know that. But it’s easier when you begin with someone who meets you where you are and pours into you lovingly and you do the same for them. Reciprocity isn’t keeping score and grace is a necessity for relating. There’s moments when one person will give more than the other and that isn’t a problem when you love one another.

I’ve never ended a friendship because I was wronged. I’ve broken connections over character. Patterns of behavior the person is displaying towards me and others they have no desire to change in spite of conversations it continues. But that doesn’t make me give up on people. It makes me look at the situation to see what I could have done differently to avoid it in the future. That might include my decision to befriend them.

But if the lone result places the blame on the other with no scrutiny of ourselves we haven’t learned a thing. You want people in your life who can admit they’re wrong and learn from their mistakes. Personal responsibility fosters healthy connections.

~bella