Strong-Willed Child

[suzybeezy]

I've spoken before about my two youngest children having special needs. But my daughter, who is 12, is hands down more challenging for me to raise. She is so incredibly strong-willed. I think my brain is going to explode right now from the challenges she gives me. She battles me about every thing. She is argumentative and she is so defiant. She is 100% INDEPENDENT!

I never feel like I'm a good parent when it comes to handling her. I've tried so many ways to reach her. She is just so ridiculously stubborn.

I'm sure God is trying to teach me something with her, but dear Lord, give me a break!!!! What is a person to do??? How on earth will I ever break through this will of hers?

(I should give a small confession - she is the mirror image of me . But I was more obedient with my parents. And I had a fear of consequences. She really just doesn't give a darn.)

I love this little girl of mine so much. She is amazingly beautiful. She is very highly intellegent - probably what helps her be so manipulative.

Please pray that God will give me some wisdom with what to do with this child.

 

[brokenbananas]

I just started reading The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson. I'm hoping it will help with both our children (4, 1). They are spitting images of my hubby and me. It's like the whole family is dynamic & strong willed. God is teaching us and I'm hoping the book will give us some insights on how to mold these for the glory of God.

 

[luvinjesus111]

I know sister what your going through my 7 yr old is the same way. I can't give advice cause i don't no myself, so i'll be waiting with you to see more advice. Love & Peace

 

[OracleX]

I didn't turn around until I was 19. I took my parents to hell and back on many occasions (sometimes in the same day). The only thing that got through to me was God. Sometimes all we can do is pray and leave it in Gods hands (although we should be doing that anyway).

 

[suzybeezy]

I didn't turn around until I was 19.

Oh Please, I don't know if I can survive that long. Well, I may survive, but I'll be BALD!!!

 

[bliz]

God has given her (and you) this personality for a reason. Her personality is not bad or sinful or something to be overcome but it is something that needs to be channeled and placed under subnmission to God - which is something only she can do.

Stop battling with her for control over everything. Take certain aspects of life and turn them over to her for decisions and actions - packing her own lunch, comes to mind. Doing her own laundry. Arranging her own room - choosing the wallpaper or paint colors etc. Take one aspect of life the two of you battle over and ask yourself "Are there any reasons why this can't be done the way she wants it done?" and if how she would want it done is within your budget, is safe and within your values, let it be done her way. If she does not have some areas where she can make decisions and implement things how she sees best, she will battle everyone!

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

You menitioned that she doesn't give a rats rear end bout the consequences, an you were the same way with your folks but more obediant because of the consequences. Well I'm gonna surely get flamed here but such as life, how is ya'lls dicipline? Strict er a bit laxed? I liken everthin to animals, drives my wife nuts but one thing that comes up straight away in animals an trainin em to do anythin is their will.... they want sumthin er nother one way an we want it another... so what do we do? We end up breakin their will... then mold em into what we want em to do... here come the flames, in a lot of ways I think we should do the same thing with our children, no I don't mean fight em over ever lil thing an it's certainly wise to pick your battles but, on such things when you say do this, it should be yes ma'am no questions asked... privledges should only be granted after obediance. For example some chore er sumthin ya'll have fur er to do, if she does it without bein told er what have you then she can paint er room the color she wants etc. This can be done with anything, wether good grades er sayin thanks fur sumthin.

An by all means, pray, God knows your heart and He knows your daughter as well. Sometimes pressure can be a great way of reinin in a child who's goin off another direction, I wouldn't turn your house upside down an shake it, but I'd start increasin the consequences an make sure you stick to any that are impossed, no tv means no tv etc.

 

[OracleX]

Oh Please, I don't know if I can survive that long. Well, I may survive, but I'll be BALD!!!

My daughter is 4 now and around the time when she turned 3 I started to shave my head. That way going bald was my choice My dad went bald not by choice My mom ... not sure but I think she is wearing a wig now

 

[suzybeezy]

God has given her (and you) this personality for a reason. Her personality is not bad or sinful or something to be overcome but it is something that needs to be channeled and placed under subnmission to God - which is something only she can do.

Stop battling with her for control over everything. Take certain aspects of life and turn them over to her for decisions and actions - packing her own lunch, comes to mind. Doing her own laundry. Arranging her own room - choosing the wallpaper or paint colors etc. Take one aspect of life the two of you battle over and ask yourself "Are there any reasons why this can't be done the way she wants it done?" and if how she would want it done is within your budget, is safe and within your values, let it be done her way. If she does not have some areas where she can make decisions and implement things how she sees best, she will battle everyone!

Well, she does has a chore list. When she completes it, she earns privileges. We've tried to give her some form of structure and guidelines in the house, which we expect her to abide by. She still will find a way to do her own thing. Example: If she's told to load the dishwasher and run it, she will intentionally make a mess in another room such as the downstairs bathroom, and we don't find out about it until she's gone to bed. Or in the morning when she's getting ready for school, which she does by herself, she will leave the kitchen looking like a bomb went off. I have three other children, so she knows it's very hard for me to keep constant tabs on her.

These are the punishments we've tried: revoking privileges, put her on restriction, take away items from her room that she treasures (if it's been a source of conflict), put her in a time out zone, give her extra chores. I give her individual time, like going to lunch or out to a movie, thinking filling her with positive time will lessen her need to engage in negative attention.

We don't try to punish her about every offense she does, because that would be too overwhelming of a task. Her biggest problem, and one we've chosen to try to focus on with her, is her mouth. She is very mouthy and very loud. The back-talking is ridiculous. She is aware that it's a problem. She says she doesn't think before she speaks. When I say she doesn't care about the consequences, I mean they don't effect her behavior. She still yells all the time - over small things. She's very unreasonable. I'm sure God has given her to me to teach me things I need to learn about myself. But I still need to find some peace in my home.

She has a very tender heart. She even went to the front of the church, on her own, and ask for prayer. She doesn't want to behave the way she does. I just can't seem to find a way to affect change in her. What parenting tool am I missing? Maybe consistency??? I feel bad for her and don't want her to be punished all the time, so I often give in. I'm trying to rectify that and stand firmer in my decisions. I need to find the proper balance.

 

[Zoomer]

What parenting tool am I missing? Maybe consistency??? I feel bad for her and don't want her to be punished all the time, so I often give in. I'm trying to rectify that and stand firmer in my decisions. I need to find the proper balance.

It sounds like that very well could be the reason that she doesn't get a darn about consequences. You said that you were like her but more obedient and fearful of the consquences of your actions. Where your parents consistent?

If she hasn't been consistently punished for an offense, she has come to learn the she can get away with it a percentage of the time without any consequence. It's so important to be consistent with rules and punishments, when children are young. It's much harder to turn their behavior around as they get older. What I would do is make a clear set of rules (no back talking, no yelling, and any other negative, non-productive behavior) and make a clear set of consequences (if you talk back, you cannot talk to your friends on the phone etc). Give her one warning, and if she continues to do the behavior afterward, then she gets the punishment. There is not feeling sorry for her, she made a conscious decisions breaking the rules, and has to take responsibililty for her actions. It's better to do it now, than have her figure out that she has to respect authority and take responsiblity for her actions when she is out on her own.

I just wanted to add that I think she is too old for timeouts, and that from what you said taking away her privledges and treasures really make her angry. It sounds like that is the way to go to punish her. You have to take something away, that they really care about or the punishment means nothing.

 

[suzybeezy]

It sounds like that very well could be the reason that she doesn't get a darn about consequences. You said that you were like her but more obedient and fearful of the consquences of your actions. Where your parents consistent?

Okay, confession time. I was spoiled beyong belief. I was the baby of the family and pretty much got everything I wanted. I had three older siblings, two of which gave me parents a very hard time. I learned from their mistakes. I knew how to "handle" my parents and thus I was like a golden child. I spent alot of time with my parents, we did things together. As for punishment, I didn't really get punished, because I knew what buttons not to push and what line not to cross. It was very clear to me, not because they ever told me, but because I seen my two sisters in trouble alot and never wanted to get punished. My father spanked my behind one time outside of church and left a hand print. I went back into church with my little dress on and everyone could see it. My mother was mortified, she told my dad to never spank me again. I was never grounded a day in my life (my mother said that was more punishment on the parent than on the child). If I did something wrong, I got yelled at and I always hated to disappoint my parents, I knew what they had been through. Needless to say, I loved my childhood. I still think I have the greatest parents in the world! I can't tell you how much I learned from them, but it is thanks, in part, to my sisters who preceded me.

But I never really learned about discipline. That's probably what makes it so difficult to figure out what to do with my daughter. I wish I could spoil her the way I was spoiled (she's my only girl). I want to be able to go shopping together, do our hair together, do girly stuff. She loves those things. I told her it's a shame on how much she's missing out on, because I can be such a fun parent. But she doesn't behave well enough to ever reap the rewards.

I spoke to my husband last night about the situation. I think we need to do a better job getting on the same page. I think sometimes for ever step of progress I make, he knocks me back two. He's as clueless as I am when it comes to handling her. But I'm more consistant than he is.

I just don't want to make her hate me or become some hideous rebellious teenager like my sisters did. That thought sits in the back of my mind. I want her to be happy and I know I need to instill some structure in her life in order for her to have that. But it's so exhausting - emotionally draining!

 

[bliz]

Well, she does has a chore list. When she completes it, she earns privileges. We've tried to give her some form of structure and guidelines in the house, which we expect her to abide by. She still will find a way to do her own thing. Example: If she's told to load the dishwasher and run it, she will intentionally make a mess in another room such as the downstairs bathroom, and we don't find out about it until she's gone to bed. Or in the morning when she's getting ready for school, which she does by herself, she will leave the kitchen looking like a bomb went off. I have three other children, so she knows it's very hard for me to keep constant tabs on her.

These are easy! Really! natural consequences. Natural consequences are the most effective parenting tool out there! If she has made a mess in another room and you don't find out until after she has gone to bed, wake her up and make her clean it up. If you make a mess, you clean it up. Having to clean u[ a mess you made is a natural consequence.

If she leaves the kitchen a mess and it's time for school, she stays home and cleans up the mess. She can go to school late. Or not at all. She's smart enough to figure out when she can leave a mess and get away with it, she is also smart enough to learn that she can no longer get away with these things. A kid can do with less sleep once in awhile and miss some school sometimes. It is more important that she learn the consequences of her actions and be made to live with them.

We don't try to punish her about every offense she does, because that would be too overwhelming of a task. Her biggest problem, and one we've chosen to try to focus on with her, is her mouth. She is very mouthy and very loud. The back-talking is ridiculous. She is aware that it's a problem. She says she doesn't think before she speaks. When I say she doesn't care about the consequences, I mean they don't effect her behavior. She still yells all the time - over small things. She's very unreasonable. I'm sure God has given her to me to teach me things I need to learn about myself. But I still need to find some peace in my home.

She can learn new ways of talking to you. When she is too loud, make her repeat what she said at a more acceptable volume. Only when she speaks at an acceptable volume will the conversation continue. Lable back-talking for what it is - disrespect to the other person. Talk about how we are to honor other people and show our love and respect for them. Also,find a way to make her live with the natural consequences of yelling at people and being disrespectful. If you yell at people and lose the right to watch TV there's no connection between the two things. The loss of TV is an arbitrary punishment. What's the consequence for yelling at people and being rude to them? Most people stay far away from such people and don't have conversations with them. Perhaps you need to distance yourself from her for a time. "I'm sorry. I don't have conversations with people who are rude to me."

Check out the book How to Talk so Children will Listen and Listen so Children will Talk It's a It's a great book with lots of concrete examples.​

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Also, I can't help but wonder what she watches on TV... Does she watch a lot of shows where people are yellling and talking back? It doesn't matter is at the end of the story the people apologize for doing so, what kids remember was that it was done and they emulate what they see.​

 

[suzybeezy]

That's some really good advice. I shared it with my husband and we confirmed together that we are going to try to implement these ideas. I particularly like the idea of having her stop and stay the comment back in a normal tone. I think it will show her overtime that unless she is speaking in a normal tone, no one in the house will continue the conversation.

We had a good day yesterday where she was respectful and followed the rules. I made sure I took note of it to her. She also decided to interject into the conversation that she's aware of how much I do for her, which made me happy that she recognizes my efforts for her.

Thanks again for your great advice. Please pray that God will give us the strength and the consistency to impact a difference.