Straying from church

[traingosorry]

I was wondering if anyone in here who has lost someone very close and dear to them, ever experienced the lack of desire to go to church?

In my case, I have. I don't understand it. When my mother passed away, sure I was upset and angry because it was unfair for all of us ( and I still feel as though it were unfair for her because she didn't want to die yet.) but I wasn't angry at God as so many assumed I would be. But I did not start grieving properly until about 4 months after she passed when i lost all desire to continue going to church.

I never lost my faith in God, in fact He is more real to me than ever, but I question so much about what i believed in the past, and the existence of heaven has become so much more important to me now, since I want to have some sort of assurance in knowing my mom is in a 'place' where she is content finally. The big question for me has been 'will I ever see her again?'. So many are quick to tell me that i will be reunited with her, and instead of that being comforting it is actually irritating and does the opposite for me.

I just really do not understand why I could care less about going to church anymore - is anyone able to share their story or maybe give me some insight into why this has happened?

thank- you.

 

[Christdefinesme]

Well, you know, I wonder if it's similar to me.
I didn't want to socialize at all, didn't want anyone around me.
I was very angry, not at God, not at anyone in particular, but still angry with people, does this make sense? I think I was angry because no one was in my place, I felt very alone, and very isolated, like, no one can enter into this world I'm living in. And, they might "placate" me with their words, but they really don't know, you know? I just wanted everyone away. Though, I was dying for someone to really want to know, to want to hear, to want to listen to all the details, to really enter in with me. But no one did, and it made the grief deeper, and made me more angry, with everyone. I didn't go to church for a while. Just because I didn't want to be around anyone. No one could see what I had seen. And the words at church were just words, for a while. It didn't help me in the least, it couldn't touch what I was processing. I was just angry with life, life on this earth, the ugliness of death and separation, the waiting in the ugliness "until you see them again in heaven". I just can't go there, it doesn't make it better here, now, though I can be happy for her, it doesn't make sense for me. Anyhow, I don't know if this is like what you're going through. But what you are feeling is understandable. It doesn't mean you have a lack of faith, it's just part of your processing. You need to talk, though, journal, keep close with the Lord, etc.
Make sense?

 

[9T6]

I don't think losing the desire to go to church is unusual or something to be worried about in these circumstances. Our belief as Christians is not in a church but in Christ himself. It is our faith in God and his Son that is important, not where we chose to go to express that faith.

One possible explanation links it with two phenomena. Firstly, the inevitable craving for someone to be able to explain it all and make it all OK again even though we know already in our hearts that that is impossible. The terrible realisation of the finality of death ( in the mortal sense) tells us no one can put it right but at the same time we cannot face the reality of that finality. We realise that church, both congregation and clergy, are also only people and cannot give the answer to "why this had to happen". We are sensing the inadequacy of the church as people to help in this situation. But there is also the Church of Christ - which is the other phenomena.....

Death - and life thereafter - is at the very core of Christian belief. Death is where, as one minister put it: "the rubber hits the road". And so when we experience the death of a loved one, we are faced with the Truth of Christianity like at no other time in our lives. So turning away from church is not so much a turning away, but a turning towards Christ himself. It is a recognition that Christ, and only Christ, can help in this situation and we want to be in as direct contact with him as possible. Therefore, the church bench and communal prayer cannot compete with personal prayer in the quiet of our own room.

What I think you may be experiencing is simply the need for retreat into a deeper personal relationship with Christ. Once this has run its course you will find a new desire to rejoin the Christian community with a deeper and richer enthusiasm than ever before - because your closeness to Christ Himself is deeper and richer than it ever was before.

Personal, quality time with Christ could never be a bad thing

 

[enelya_taralom]

Hey train,

I just wanted to add that I personally don't think you "couldn't careless about going to church anymore." You care enough to make a post about it here

 

[traingosorry]

Wow 9T6, was your post ever validating for me!

That makes sense that my church has almost become inadequate lately, realizing that people are not able to give me what I need nor what I am looking for and only Jesus can do that. (It almost seems so simple, why couldn't I have come up with that?? ha! ) It is SO true that death is one of the hardest things to accept, especially having to come to terms with the fact that the answers you want most cannot be answered.
The answers that people do give me I am not satisfied with, as I question their certainty and all I can do is look to God who is in control.
My absence from church is hurting my younger sisters, both have continued to go despite their own grief but they are unable to understand why I have just stopped attending, and have no want to go. I just wish for some sort of answer to give them. And I think you have done that for me 9T6.

Thank you, I honestly feel like you have hit the nail straight on the head with this one - and the more I am able to understand the way I have been doing ( or not doing for that matter) things lately is actually helping me to move on.

So I thank you MUCHLY!

 

[traingosorry]

Hey train,

I just wanted to add that I personally don't think you "couldn't careless about going to church anymore." You care enough to make a post about it here

haha! HEY! What are YOU still doing here??

 

[9T6]

Hi Train,

I have been thinking about your post and there are a couple of other things that I wanted to suggest to you.

Firstly, regarding straying from church:

I think it might also be useful to consider what we actually mean by "church". Church is not just the Sunday service. Church communities are involved in many other activities and services for the benefit of their local inhabitants. Some such services are the work of ministers and deacons amongst the unemployed, lonely, homeless, sick, imprisoned, handicapped, and so on. These people do not necessarily go to church on Sundays but they need and use other services of the church.

I think you are doing exactly this when you chose to bring your worries to this forum. You came to a "Christian only section" to talk with other Christians about a problem related to your sorrow. The Christian "Church", as opposed to a "church", comprises people everywhere who believe in the resurrected Jesus. It is one big congregation in one universal Church. All you are doing is seeking a specific part of that Church that happens to focus on grief in particular, which is your need right now, just as a hungry person would seek the deacon's office rather than a church service that is primarily for worship.

Secondly: regarding " I want to have some sort of assurance in knowing my mom is in a 'place' where she is content finally."

Absolutely! This is the inevitable and natural concern we all have when being parted from someone we love. It is nothing less than the product of pure love. No human can give an absolute answer to us about this, but I do think we can draw a lot of reassurance and conviction when we remember what kind of God we have. On one hand, God deliberately made us totally incapable of being perfect, therefore failure to BE perfect is not a reason for rejection of anyone by God. ("For God has bound all men over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all" Rom 11:32). On the other hand, God did give us love and love never dies. It is not extinguished the moment someone dies. Therefore, one could place confidence on the belief that love returns to God as do our spirits ("and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. " Eccl 12:7). It is difficult to imagine that paradise can be paradise if love is still left yearning and grieving because those we love are in a state of discontent. But ultimately, peace concerning this matter comes from God through prayer.

Thirdly, regarding : "the big question for me has been 'will I ever see her again?'. So many are quick to tell me that i will be reunited with her, and instead of that being comforting it is actually irritating and does the opposite for me."

I understand your reaction to this. I think it is recognition of the fact that no one CAN confirm this to us because humans are not the ones who decide such things on God's behalf. This is a typical situation where grieving people are unsatisfied with anything less than the Truth (no matter how much that Truth might hurt) and cannot be palmed off with mere pleasantries or well-wishing. The fact is that people cannot answer this question for us. But, again, if God chose to reconcile all things through Jesus ("through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross" Col 4:20), and our God is a God of love, how could divided love ever be considered as "reconciled"?

I know that if this discussion was on another forum then the issue of faith in Jesus for salvation would be raised at this point. But the faith of a person when they die, even in the last moments of life, is yet another matter that we cannot answer as mere humans. It would be wrong for us to ever try to evaluate the faith of another person. That is one thing we trust entirely to God because faith originates from God.

I believe the only Truth that is absolute in these situations is the reality of the bond of love that we can actually witness within our own hearts. And upon that love we can comfortably and trustfully build our hope and faith in God:

"Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love" 1 Cor 13:13

I hope this helps a little and I apologise for being so "wordy", and if I have caused any irritation please forgive me and ignore my words!

 

[9T6]

Hey train,

I just wanted to add that I personally don't think you "couldn't careless about going to church anymore." You care enough to make a post about it here

I just wanted to say that I thought this was a valuable observation

 

[enelya_taralom]

haha! HEY! What are YOU still doing here??

ha, yeah I guess I'm not leaving these boards like I planned

 

[heatherq17]

Yes I have. I dont go to church anymore after losing my infant son. But im going to go real soon or atleast try to

 

[traingosorry]

Yes I have. I dont go to church anymore after losing my infant son. But im going to go real soon or atleast try to

Heather, do you identify with the reasons 9T6 mentioned for not going to church? Is this your experience as well?

 

[Doreen]

I didn't go to church after dad died 3 and a half months ago. It took me until 2 weeks ago to even go to church. I was angry with God because dad died. and I felt unsupported by the people at church. I go to the salvos now cause I decided change churches.

 

[9T6]

I didn't go to church after dad died 3 and a half months ago. It took me until 2 weeks ago to even go to church. I was angry with God because dad died. and I felt unsupported by the people at church. I go to the salvos now cause I decided change churches.

Thanks for adding your experiences here. I think being angry with God is not only a common and understandable reaction, but is also entirely OK as far as God himself is concerned! Afterall, in order to be angry with God, one has to believe in God in the first place - which is what God wants, is it not?

Although we know the biblical reasons for humans dying, we do not really know why God allows such suffering as we witness around the globe and in our own lives when it hits us personally. There are many theories and explanations but none of them are entirely satisfactory even after 2000 years of Christianity.

When you say that you felt unsupported by church people, I am not sure whether you mean church workers or congregation, but either way, you are also witnessing here the inability of most people to be able to handle such grief and sorrow. Most people realise that there really is little one can say that is appropriate and so they either blurt out things like "life goes on" or "you'll get over it", or they avoid contact altogether. Neither case means that people do not care and feel for the person who has undergone the loss, they simply do not know how handle it. It is not uncommon for one's whole circle of friends and social environment to change following a bereavement.

In your case, you changed churches and I am really glad to hear that doing so has helped you get back into a congregational environment. Forgive my ignorance, but what are "salvos"?

 

[Doreen]

the salvos are the salvation army. it was the congregation at my old church who wern't supportive. I have always had friends in the salvation army and they were really caring and supportive when dad died and that's why I decided to go there instead of my old church.

 

[autumnzawacky1]

Its funny that you say that because I lost an aunt that was very dear to me over a year ago and I still cry about it. But after she passed away it pulled me into the church. I was so thankful that I have breath left and that with the lord you will be reunited again. It was such a horrible time that I gave everything I had to the lord and didnt forget about her but God eased my pain. My prayers are with you!!!!!!!!!!

 

[cakemix]

... but for me I know that it isn't the church that I'm staying away from... it's the people.

Unfortunately, my church community is very ethinic, very nosey, rude people.
I understand they don't mean to be this way, it is just their way to ask questions and pry... unlike the more "american" way.

At least this is my experience where I live.

My parents were very private people, and they didn't want anyone to know anything.

So when I..."the child" was left with taking care of my parents health and their deaths and word got out that "something" was happening with my parents... people wanted to know what was going on.

I respected my parents wishes and told these people that this is a very private time and I cannot say anything.

Well... they didn't like this and the bottom line is that NOT ONE PERSON offered any help or condolenses to me when my parents died.

I explained that my parents didn't want anyone to know, they were private.

I had a funeral for my mother in the church and many people came and they came asking questions.
I got a phone call a few weeks later from my mother's cousin telling me that people are upset with me because I haven't sent out any thank you notes for the flowers that went to the church.

No one before that or after that has called me, brought food, nothing.
I sent out the cards with tears in my eyes.

At this time, my elderly, frail dad who needed 24 hr care was living with me. They all knew this and still no calls, visits, help, food... nothing.

When he died, I had a private funeral for him... the few "outsiders" who came said it was wonderful.

Still, to this day, I have received no calls, no cards... nothing.

I hate my relatives.
My mother was the first to do everything she could for a family in need.
She respected their privacy and never asked questions. But she still brought food and called.

lol... can you tell I have all this rage pent up in me


**sigh**

 

[Febe]

I guess grieving can take many forms...
When I lost my father, my need for church increased instead...
I hope You will find a way back, in due time...
Take care!

 

[Anti Existance]

What you experience is totally normal, and is caused by a lack of faith which in its turn is caused by not understanding God. You have the feeling that everything is being taken away from you, which is false you see , the earth isn't 'our home' when your loved ones die they return home, and it basically means they completed a phase of the bootcamp called earth as we are here to learn, to love and to help other people. At one time you will be called back to home, and see everyone back. Its only wrong if you think in terms of one life, it becomes understandable if you think of it in terms of the 'afterlife'.

 

[9T6]

What you experience is totally normal, and is caused by a lack of faith which in its turn is caused by not understanding God.

This may be true in certain cases where people turn away from the church, but I do not think it is a universal explanation by any means. In fact, in many cases it is the intensification and personalisation of one's faith arising from tragedy that leads to one no longer finding personal satisfaction or solution in the mechanical, generalised nature of church liturgy.

The universal Church of Christ is not in any one of the thousands of denominational churches that man creates, rather the members of Christ's one Church are found scattered amongst all our various denominations as well as entirely outside the various churches. Therefore the fact that one suddenly feels uncomfortable within one particular church's form of worship does not necessarily mean that one has wandered from God or understands him any less - it can also mean that one is seeking to know him even more closely and on a much deeper personal level.

However, having said that, I do not think it is always very healthy to remain in isolation from a Christian community for too long since Christianity is a communal faith which thrives on mutual help and support, and provides the group means by which we can effectively help others in our communities and beyond. Some people explore their faith constantly as hermits, seeking solitude and silence, but for most of us I think these should be temporary periods for reflection, rest and edification between active periods of work in a Christian community. But we each need to ask God where we belong on this earth at any one time.

But I agree with you that we should always try to remember that the home of which we are citizens is not this earth, nor these bodies within which we so clumsily move around and interract with one another .

 

[AwesomeMachine]

I was wondering if anyone in here who has lost someone very close and dear to them, ever experienced the lack of desire to go to church?

In my case, I have. I don't understand it. When my mother passed away, sure I was upset and angry because it was unfair for all of us ( and I still feel as though it were unfair for her because she didn't want to die yet.) but I wasn't angry at God as so many assumed I would be. But I did not start grieving properly until about 4 months after she passed when i lost all desire to continue going to church.

I never lost my faith in God, in fact He is more real to me than ever, but I question so much about what i believed in the past, and the existence of heaven has become so much more important to me now, since I want to have some sort of assurance in knowing my mom is in a 'place' where she is content finally. The big question for me has been 'will I ever see her again?'. So many are quick to tell me that i will be reunited with her, and instead of that being comforting it is actually irritating and does the opposite for me.

I just really do not understand why I could care less about going to church anymore - is anyone able to share their story or maybe give me some insight into why this has happened?

thank- you.

I know what it is like to wonder about being runited with loved ones in Heaven. If you have a question about whether or not your Mother is in Heaven, you probably have a question about whether or not you will go to Heaven. Death is so final, it plays tricks on your mind. You don't sound like you need serious help, but you do sound like you don't trust anyone, really. I think that is pretty smart. People your age have not lost anyone close to them. They have no idea how to recover from such a thing, much less help someone else.

Most people don't even know what to say. I found everyones' responses useless. Everyone appeared like they didn't have a clue. I talked to my best friend, who was my roommate, and he changed the subject. My family was little help, also. They were all in crisis. I couldn't very much help them, either. Self help books and pamphlets proved defective at best, and very harmful at worst. Nothing seemed to be of any consolation.

Then, like out of the blue, it hit me. My Sister had final impenitent sin. She is in Heaven now, but my total lack of consoling was a warning sign that something was wrong. I went to Church that weekend, something I hadn't done regularly for a while. I went to the front of the Church. I lit a votive candle so my Sister would have a light in Heaven. With total faith in God's mercy, I took responsibility for all my Sister's sins, confessed them as my own, gave no excuses for why I had done such bad things, told God it was all my fault, took my dead Sister's sins upon myself, asked for forgiveness for my sins, and Jesus forgave me and my Sister. That day I knew my Sister had been saved from eternal torment. I was sorry it took me two years to do it, but I was not aware of the need.

I even found it irritating that people would say, "She is in a better place, now". I knew there was something wrong with that. I wasn't sure what it was, but after a while I realized that everyone saying that could care less. They were, in effect, spewing the vomit of apathy all over me. They weren't empathizing with me. Not one person asked me how I felt. My favorite one was something someone said to my Mother at my Sister's funeral. "You have to remember this was your daughter's decision." My Mom wasn't very happy with that comment. My Sister killed herself, and the person who said that was a psychopathic predator I used to date. She was getting revenge on me by saying that to my Mother.