Strange cause for arousal?

[Dave-W]

Umm so I guess there's no strategies aside from counselling?!

Not so. But there is much to be gained by a good premarital counselor.

Anyways, I still touch (which he knows) but not as frequent and I try to just focus on the physical release if I need to

Actually, I consider that to be healthy. Just make sure you ENJOY it, and thank God for those wonderful sensations.

because I did not have a very healthy view of sex myself and allowed it to pull me away from praying and walking with God.

Yeah - that can happen. If it does, repent and refocus on God. Realizing sexual response is HIS gift will help in that regard.

Since you already discussed those topics, I think you're off to a good start.

I agree. Wish DW and I had that opportunity. But our congregation specifically FORBADE any such communication.

In what I have encouraged you, he needs the same encouragement.

If he is being honest and really never had that intensity of desire before, (unlikely but definitely possible) then he should respond to it as well and not insist on quashing the desires. Arousal can be very enjoyable if you know it will be satisfied in some kind of reasonable time frame. (minutes or hours instead of months or years)

 

[Dave-W]

Btw, I thought about this on my way home. He should get his testosterone level checked. If it is low that could account for the lack of intense desire up till now.

 

[Fivesenses]

Btw, I thought about this on my way home. He should get his testosterone level checked. If it is low that could account for the lack of intense desire up till now.

Thank you! Yes I suspected this a while ago but will bring it up later when the time is right (closer to the wedding if necessary). The biggest confusion is how to differentiate between healthy sexual desire vs lust for your gf/bf and I sometimes have trouble explaining to him that he doesn't need to feel less righteous or holy for having those thoughts of wanting intimacy...

I'm surprised that your congregation forbid such talks but couldn't you and your wife still talk about it before the wedding in your own time? (since they can't actually monitor what you guys talk about while dating).

 

[UpandDown]

Hi everyone, I'm just reposting my question in the married forum to see whether anyone who has been through this can provide some insight.

Is it normal for my bf to be aroused around me even when we are not necessarily touching (and in public)? I can understand that kissing or touching in certain ways can cause arousal in men so we don't kiss or touch in any way that can make things worse.

Apparently, arousal sometimes happens when he sees me (he loves my face and figure but I don't ever dress in a provocative or revealing way...I know this can be subjective but I've double checked with him) or when he gives me a hug (but we do pull away when he finds it too much). There's a few times when he actually had to physically remove himself and "flee" and we aren't even alone or making out.

He's in his late 20s/early 30 so it strikes me as a bit surprising since I thought younger men struggle with this more and I heard it is suppose to tame down as they age? He never had a problem with pornography or any sexual past issues and has not really encountered this intense feeling until we started dating. Does this indicate that he might have a high libido (but then again if he did, why only go through strong sexual urges only now) or is it because we are going too far (at the mere sight of me) It has apparently intensified for him as time went by. It baffles me a bit because I always felt like I had a stronger libido but even then, I hardly get aroused just by seeing him (but of course I find him physically attractive) or a quick hug. *I'm also thinking whether he is more easily aroused knowing that I'm not afraid but rather desire and am excited to experience sexual intimacy after marriage? I don't buy into my church's prudish & shaming approach when it comes to sex nor do I applaud the world's sexual immorality.

Male Female attraction is normal. Men don't need to be touching to become aroused. In fact, Men are VISUAL. Be aware of the type of clothes you are wearing and what message it might be sending.
If you aren't in business, DON'T ADVERTISE.
Would you feel comfortable wearing those clothes in front of Jesus?
Men struggle with sexual desires regardless, but waving a bucket of chicken under the nose of a starving man only makes his hunger worse! Tempting.

 

[Dave-W]

I'm surprised that your congregation forbid such talks but couldn't you and your wife still talk about it before the wedding in your own time? (since they can't actually monitor what you guys talk about while dating).

They were pretty controlling on many issues. They were known to break up engagements and move one of the couple to another part of the country. (in a sister congregation in another state, that leadership broke off all existing engagements) So the choice was either play by their rules or be branded rebels before God.

 

[Dave-W]

Be aware of the type of clothes you are wearing and what message it might be sending.
If you aren't in business, DON'T ADVERTISE.

She has already stated that she dresses very modestly and the guy has agreed on that point.

 

[Truthfrees]

MOD HAT

Moved from Married forum to Singles asking Married Forum as per the SOP.

 

[Observer]

In my experience... this is more likely to happen with men who are sexually inexperienced or who have not had sex in a very long time or who don't touch. Men who have regular sex are not so highly reactive like that.
No one really knows what their libido will be like in a marriage. You can't really judge your libido if you have not had sex and are in constant anticipation of it.

 

[Dave-W]

From my end, I thought I was suppose to admire him for not struggling with lust? I thought there are men who never masturbated and still has a healthy libido? (Or is that my wishful thinking...)

Sorry - I guess I lost track of this thread. (It got moved)

Anyway - I see you were logged in a couple of weeks ago so I am glad you are still here.

Can you give us an update? (are you engaged yet???)

As to the question you posed here - the answer is: not really.

Statistics say that 95% of guys in their late teens and early 20s do the big M at least occasionally. And the remaining 5% probably have a low enough testosterone level that their libido is also rather low, so they either do not have the urge, or can easily fight it.

I guess I am not sure why wanting a guy to be frustrated for years (having a normal libido without any resolution) would be your "wishful thinking." That sounds rather cruel to me.

 

[Dave-W]

The biggest confusion is how to differentiate between healthy sexual desire vs lust for your gf/bf and I sometimes have trouble explaining to him that he doesn't need to feel less righteous or holy for having those thoughts of wanting intimacy...

I do not know why you did not come back here, perhaps because of the thread being moved?

This post is a bump and I would really like to hear from you on my Post #29.

As to "lust," I know I have said this before (maybe not in this thread) but in Matt 5 where our Lord equates "lust" (epithumeo) with adultery, it is interesting to note that in the LXX version of the 10 commandments, epithumeo is used for "covet." So in the context of the Matt 5 teaching, we should not take "lust" as a stand-alone; rather, it should be understood as meaning "covet."

Ex 20.17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

So coveting (or lusting) is wanting to take something away from someone else so you can have it as your own. (whether you act on that impulse or not) Simple natural sexual arousal does not fit that profile. And even a strong desire to have a house or a wife or a servant or livestock that are NOT in the possession of someone else is STILL not "lust." What defines it is "...
anything that belongs to your neighbor.” (not yours to have)

 

[Dave-W]

No one really knows what their libido will be like in a marriage. You can't really judge your libido if you have not had sex and are in constant anticipation of it.

I completely agree with this. Once you start having frequent fulfilling sex, your hormonal chemistry will change.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I do not know why you did not come back here, perhaps because of the thread being moved?

This post is a bump and I would really like to hear from you on my Post #29.

As to "lust," I know I have said this before (maybe not in this thread) but in Matt 5 where our Lord equates "lust" (epithumeo) with adultery, it is interesting to note that in the LXX version of the 10 commandments, epithumeo is used for "covet." So in the context of the Matt 5 teaching, we should not take "lust" as a stand-alone; rather, it should be understood as meaning "covet."

Ex 20.17 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

So coveting (or lusting) is wanting to take something away from someone else so you can have it as your own. (whether you act on that impulse or not) Simple natural sexual arousal does not fit that profile. And even a strong desire to have a house or a wife or a servant or livestock that are NOT in the possession of someone else is STILL not "lust." What defines it is "...
anything that belongs to your neighbor.” (not yours to have)

I agree with everything you said, and also your previous few posts.

 

[Dave-W]

I agree with everything you said, and also your previous few posts.

Thank you.

 

[songz777]

Hi everyone, I'm just reposting my question in the married forum to see whether anyone who has been through this can provide some insight.

Is it normal for my bf to be aroused around me even when we are not necessarily touching (and in public)? I can understand that kissing or touching in certain ways can cause arousal in men so we don't kiss or touch in any way that can make things worse.

Apparently, arousal sometimes happens when he sees me (he loves my face and figure but I don't ever dress in a provocative or revealing way...I know this can be subjective but I've double checked with him) or when he gives me a hug (but we do pull away when he finds it too much). There's a few times when he actually had to physically remove himself and "flee" and we aren't even alone or making out.

He's in his late 20s/early 30 so it strikes me as a bit surprising since I thought younger men struggle with this more and I heard it is suppose to tame down as they age? He never had a problem with pornography or any sexual past issues and has not really encountered this intense feeling until we started dating. Does this indicate that he might have a high libido (but then again if he did, why only go through strong sexual urges only now) or is it because we are going too far (at the mere sight of me) It has apparently intensified for him as time went by. It baffles me a bit because I always felt like I had a stronger libido but even then, I hardly get aroused just by seeing him (but of course I find him physically attractive) or a quick hug. *I'm also thinking whether he is more easily aroused knowing that I'm not afraid but rather desire and am excited to experience sexual intimacy after marriage? I don't buy into my church's prudish & shaming approach when it comes to sex nor do I applaud the world's sexual immorality.

When a man loves a woman his heart and mind and emotions are involved but also more so than a woman his physical desires are aroused no matter how she dresses. The Lord it seems has made us that way. If your man feels like about you be glad, for I am sure there a many ladies who wished that their husbands / husbands to be felt the same about them. Its normal and God given.

Hope this helps

John