Stop Caring!

[RachelZ]

I feel like I need to try and stop caring how I feel. At the moment one difficult day is rolling into another and I've been here so many times I don't see there's much hope that anything is going to radically change. I feel almost consumed by horrible emotions and feel all I can really do is try to stop caring how I feel. I am worn out and I am angry but I don't have enough energy to be angry. I hate the way I am and over the past 24 years or so that I've been trying to tame my emotions I have failed! I'm sorry if this seems negative but I can't see the point in false hope...all I can try and do is keep telling myself that how I feel is for keeps and it doesn't matter...I need to try and stop hoping that one day I will feel better. Yes I am sure that soon I'll have a better day...but it allways comes back down again. This must be a kind of judgement from God cos in the bible there are promises that I don't seem to have access to. I feel like I'm dying inside and the only way to cope is to try and stop hoping it'll get better. Some time ago I know I said that it would be highly unlikely that I'd get any more therapy but almost miraculously someone who does a Psychotherapy spot on a local Christian radio station offered me sessions with minimal donations. He's not really doing ERP so I don't know if it'll help. I don't know if this is of God or just another false hope. I have a session today. Part of me can't wait to get there and get out how I'm feeling but another part is worried that yet again I'm setting my hopes on someone or something to help me out of this. I can't bear any more dissapointments.

I'm so sorry I've blurted this all out here...just neded to vent...sorry if I've made you feel miserable..hope you're all doing OK...take care, Rachel

 

[seajoy]

I don't feel miserable about what you have said. I have been right where you are. If one is going to vent about their ocd, this is a good place to do that.I'm sorry you are feeling so low.

You are exhausted. When I got to the point that you are at - I got down on my knees, at that moment , and said to God that I couldn't take any more. I then and there thanked Him for my illness, and told Him to do with me as He wanted. I said I am yours Lord....and if I'm going to have these thoughts for always, that He help me to live with it. I praised Him for giving me a chance to be as weak as I could be, so that His power and glory could be shown. God then whispered softly in my ear...."Be still and know that I Am God."

I knew then that He was in charge and that I could not "fix" myself, as I had been trying to for 8yrs. God understands ocd. Never forget that. Your life belongs to Him. Rest in the peace that The Lord who saved you, knows what He is doing in your life. All things He allows, are to bring you closer to Him.

I'll be praying for you right now.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Praying for you too, Rachel. I am glad you took this opportunity to seek further counsel. This just may be a door God is opening for you and even it doesn't prove to be the exact answer you are looking for, I just believe that at his point, it will be really beneficial for you, at the very least, to have someone to talk all this over with. I am glad you are availing yourself of this.

It is very tiring continuing to battle. Yes, there are promises of God's help in the Bible, but if you will look at the "heroes" of the battle, most of them did not have particularly easy paths to walk. Some of them struggled with personal failings as well as external obstacles. Some of them such as Elijah had times even of depression. Even Paul, mentioned his battle with his famous "thorn in the flesh" which theologians still debate what it was. Whatever, it certainly bothered Paul but he was not instantly delivered from it. And a lot of times, the Lord does deliver us out of our afflictions but it's often a process, not a "moment in time." Sometimes a quick miraculous answer does come, but more often, it's something we walk out slowly. In short, this is not a judgment against you as you mentioned.
One of my former pastors used to say that one of the Bible promises that we DON'T post on our refrigerators is where Jesus said that in this world we would have tribulation! I know it seems like we should at least be able to have peace in our souls, but I can only tell you that we still live in a "fallen world" still awaiting redemption. Hugs and prayers, Rachel! Hang in there, girl!

 

[QUannie]

RachelZ,
I prayed for you....i'm sorry you are struggling so and that you feel so down........
just know we all care about you and more important, God loves you more than you can know, the cross proves that to us all!!!

Q

 

[RachelZ]

Thank you so much to all of you.

Thanks for you prayers QUannie and your compassion...it is so much appreciated!

Thanks for reminding me of those "heroes" KayKay...and also that verse where Jesus promises us troubles...I've quoted that to people in the past...it's hardly surprising but possibly an oversight that that isn't a usual verse to get put on a poster or a fridge magnet! Thanks for your encouragement re. the therapy...I thought people might not think it worthwile cos it's not ERP. I actually went to see him cos of my spider phobia but as he kinda guessed it's not just about spiders! Thanks for understanding how tiring this all can be!

Thanks Seajoy...yes you're right, I think I have been getting pretty exhausted with all this...thanks for identifying with that! I guess where I struggle with giving it all to God is I've been at this point so many times where I feel I don't know how to keep going when I feel so bad and I have turned to God and yet no real breakthrough has occurred. I know that's no excuse not to keep on giving it to Him but I get confused as to what exactly He wants and is doing in my life. I so agree that I can't fix myself but don't know how to let God fix me either. I often feel like He's not in a good mood with me. I worry that if I turn over stuff to Him and treat it as OCD that He's not gonna be pleased with that cos He doesn't believe it is OCD that is causing my worst fears. It' so hard to treat something as OCD when you keep getting a horrible sense that it's not. I really apprecaite you making it feel OK that I vented...I hope you are doing well and thanks for your wisdom...

take care all...Rachel

 

[seajoy]

I often feel like He's not in a good mood with me. I worry that if I turn over stuff to Him and treat it as OCD that He's not gonna be pleased with that cos He doesn't believe it is OCD that is causing my worst fears. It' so hard to treat something as OCD when you keep getting a horrible sense that it's not. I really apprecaite you making it feel OK that I vented...I hope you are doing well and thanks for your wisdom...

take care all...Rachel

Perhaps you remember this verse....Call upon Me in the day of trouble.....
God wants your burden. God was ok with me doing the therapy, I don't see why He would feel differently about you. After all, He saved us both.

You are as precious to Him as anyone else. What does the Lord do when someone has chemo for their cancer? He holds them in His loving arms. It's the same with our treatment for ocd, He holds us lovingly through the whole thing.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Seajoy and thank you also for your prayers and yours too KayKay...forgot to say thanks earlier!

Thank you for that verse Seajoy...guess I need to keep remembering that no matter what, I need to call on Him. I thorougly agree re. your treatment and that of chemo...where I struggle is in believeing that my fears are cos of OCD and not cos of reality and so dealing with it as OCD may not be what God wants so He won't hold me in it if it's outside His will. I absolutely agree that for OCD not giving into the anxiety is the right way forward...but I struggle so much with thinking that I am in denial and that I am actually anxious, albeit overeactively, about real issues. I know I've said this same thing so many times before...but I really struggle with this as I know others do too...the fact I can't overcome it makes me all the more afraid that it's cos it's not MEANT to be overcome but rather reality is to be faced and I have to be mature enough to deal with that however hard and miserable it makes me.

Thanks again...take care, Rachel

 

[sonic purity]

Take it one battle at a time. I find myself picking up the bible now, to help change my focus. But I end up reading not just the verses, but the study parts also. I will pray for you.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Sonic Purity, glad God's word is helping you cahnge your focus. I have a terrible knack of turning it against me...study notes included. I managed to turn "Be still and know that I am God!" into a rebuke from Him many years ago. But that said I know your advice is sound!

Am still struggling with all this...not sure what to do to help myself. Don't want to be so distracted with what's going on inside me that I'm not fully available for my little one. It's so draining and discouraging...and a waste of a life as far as I can see. Anyway...hope you all have a good weekend...thanks for your help and thanks again Sonic Purity.

 

[MandyG]

Hey Rachel,
I will pray for you this evening!
-Mandy

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks so much...very much need it! Hugs, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Yep, "stop caring" about your feelings is exactly what you need to do! I sometimes say to my brain "ok Brain, you do what you need to do, but I make the choices around here." That means I give my brain permission to send me whatever intrusive thoughts and feelings it needs to do, but in the end, I am the one that controls my actions. I am the one who still chooses to go to church, act lovingly towards my husband, pray, etc., despite what my brain may be screaming at me and despite what I may be feeling at the moment. It is all about adopting an attitude of not caring. I know how hard it is to not care especially when you feel so bad. But the key is to just accept the thoughts and feelings at face value - they are nothing more than thoughts and feelings. They are nothing to be afraid of!

 

[MandyG]

Well said SAD!!
That is the attitude I have been trying to have and it does help a lot!!
-Mandy

 

[gracealone]

Hi Rachel,
That place of not caring how you feel can be exactly where you need to go. I mean... the place of acceptance. Accepting the OCD to the point of even embracing it. Swallowing uncertainty, letting it roll around in your gut and do it's worse but refusing to do it's bidding by demanding some sort of new proof, new evidence that the accusations just aren't true.
"But what if I never get rid of this OCD with all it's horrible emotions?"
"That's OK, I'll live with it for as long as it wants to live with me but while I'm living with it I'll continue to follow Christ and obey Him to the best of my ability even with the OCD accusations screaming in my head. OCD can do a lot of screaming but it cannot control my actions. That's my turf!!"
Remember what Lewis said:
"The act of cowardice is all that matters. The emotion of fear in and of itself is no sin."
I'll keep pulling for you in prayer.
Love you,
Mitzi

I feel like I need to try and stop caring how I feel. At the moment one difficult day is rolling into another and I've been here so many times I don't see there's much hope that anything is going to radically change. I feel almost consumed by horrible emotions and feel all I can really do is try to stop caring how I feel. I am worn out and I am angry but I don't have enough energy to be angry. I hate the way I am and over the past 24 years or so that I've been trying to tame my emotions I have failed! I'm sorry if this seems negative but I can't see the point in false hope...all I can try and do is keep telling myself that how I feel is for keeps and it doesn't matter...I need to try and stop hoping that one day I will feel better. Yes I am sure that soon I'll have a better day...but it allways comes back down again. This must be a kind of judgement from God cos in the bible there are promises that I don't seem to have access to. I feel like I'm dying inside and the only way to cope is to try and stop hoping it'll get better. Some time ago I know I said that it would be highly unlikely that I'd get any more therapy but almost miraculously someone who does a Psychotherapy spot on a local Christian radio station offered me sessions with minimal donations. He's not really doing ERP so I don't know if it'll help. I don't know if this is of God or just another false hope. I have a session today. Part of me can't wait to get there and get out how I'm feeling but another part is worried that yet again I'm setting my hopes on someone or something to help me out of this. I can't bear any more dissapointments.

I'm so sorry I've blurted this all out here...just neded to vent...sorry if I've made you feel miserable..hope you're all doing OK...take care, Rachel

 

[seajoy]

Hi Rachel,
That place of not caring how you feel can be exactly where you need to go. I mean... the place of acceptance. Accepting the OCD to the point of even embracing it. Swallowing uncertainty, letting it roll around in your gut and do it's worse but refusing to do it's bidding by demanding some sort of new proof, new evidence that the accusations just aren't true.
"But what if I never get rid of this OCD with all it's horrible emotions?"
"That's OK, I'll live with it for as long as it wants to live with me but while I'm living with it I'll continue to follow Christ and obey Him to the best of my ability even with the OCD accusations screaming in my head. OCD can do a lot of screaming but it cannot control my actions. That's my turf!!"
Remember what Lewis said:
"The act of cowardice is all that matters. The emotion of fear in and of itself is no sin."
I'll keep pulling for you in prayer.
Love you,
Mitzi

Terrific post. All here should take heed of it.

 

[RachelZ]

Oh Mitzi bless your heart...there you are in the middle of a really hard time and you're STILL trying to help others! Thanks for the encouragement and the fact that you write and I can identify with what your saying and describing.

Thank you too Sad...sorry I haven't gotten back to you before...it's so hard to not care about feelings when you feel like they may be so much more than just feelings. It kinda seems like Mitzi and you, backed up by Mandy and Seajoy are both taking what I meant negatively and turning it on it's head into something positive...I guess I have a choice to stop caring and give in or stop caring and keep going with God's help. Some days I have more fight left than others...this past week has been so hard...today felt better but the better times seem all too short at the moment. I saw my therapist today...I really hope God is in this and that He brought about what seems like a miracle in terms of more help. I just want to be OK! At church on Sunday and at housegroup we were talking about knowing your enemy and about strongholds that hold you back...this so feels like something that holds me back from being all I want to be and feel I could be. It's like having an invisible prison around you. I have been so tormented by my feelings in varying degrees on and off since my early teens and there are times when I just hate my feelings...but I guess God gave us the ability to feel pain so we would know something was wrong...it's just so hard to work it all out and find a way through rather than just get squished by it all!

Well..it's stupid o'clock...ten to three in the morning and I'm going to feel shattered in the morning but the little one has been sick...literally and several times and I want to stay awake for a while and check he's OK. Sorry if this is considered off topic but if you could would you please pray he'll recover quickly and that we won't get sick as well! It was so hard to see him so distressed and asking for water or to nurse and saying please and having to not just let him have as much as He wanted in case he was sick again...and you know what...it made me think maybe God feels a bit like that with us sometimes...so sad to see our suffering but for reasons only His wisdom can fathom, He knows it's not in our best interests to give us what we allways ask for.

Anyway...take care and thank you all again for you support...Rachel