Still waiting...

[circa02]

Hi guys, it's been awhile since I've posted. I'm 32 and have never been had a single date, a kiss, nothing. I haven't taken a vow of celibacy, I've just never....been in a situation where a girl has ever asked me out? That's the best way I can explain it. And I hate it. As long as I can remember, I have wanted to get married and share my life with someone. I've prayed about this countless times, asking if it's not meant to be, and if it isn't, why he has made this longing so strong in my life. I've never gotten a hint from Him on this subject, which is strange because God "talks" to me a lot. How long CAN I wait? I'm so lonely....

 

[Willie T]

How many women can you say you call, "friends"?

 

[circa02]

None my age.

 

[Willie T]

That might be something to consider. Put all thoughts of "dating" them out of your head, and just think of women as people. Become friends with those you find something in common with, and don't worry about those you don't click with.

Men tend to put up walls they can never climb by thinking women are a different species of people.

 

[Willie T]

Also. Think about the answer you gave, "None my age". Really think about why that might be. Can you see that those, "not your age" are not potential "dating" candidates, therefore they do not have that self-made wall around them. You find it easy to approach them on a non-threatening basis since it doesn't matter if you "impress" them, or not.

All woman can be seen this way, and it will make life with them a lot more fun...

Truthfully, women are just the other half of the world out there. No big deal to be made about it.

 

[Johnnz]

What practical steps are you taking such as being involved in social activities, meeting with people, being an interesting person to be with? Generally, a lot of finding a spouse is up to us.

John
NZ

 

[MadamImAdaminChrist]

I really like Willie's advice--make friends with womenfolk, not to "convert" them to be your girlfriend, but so they will be less intimidating and foreign. It is a great way to build confidence around women so when you finally decide to take the plunge, it will be easier to date.

Do you have male friends that you get together with regularly?

 

[talitha]

Sorry, I couldn't resist.
You need to be pro-active!!
I remember when I was your age, in a singles group, never married - I was soooo frustrated with those guys in the group - why not ask us girls out??!!

 

[Willie T]

Sorry, I couldn't resist.
You need to be pro-active!!
I remember when I was your age, in a singles group, never married - I was soooo frustrated with those guys in the group - why not ask us girls out??!!

Truthfully? Because many men see the possibility (too often PROBABILITY) of controlling rejection wielded by a female as too intimidating to risk.

 

[talitha]

And girls - who according to the culture of most of the Church, are not supposed to ask boys out - don't feel that way?

 

[Willie T]

Most girls learn early how to open doors with just a smile.

 

[circa02]

Do you have male friends that you get together with regularly?

Nope

 

[talitha]

Seriously, if you want to be a husband, you need to stop being so passive. Not only would that help you get a date and a mate, but being assertive is a better way to be a mate.

 

[Willie T]

Seriously, if you want to be a husband, you need to stop being so passive. Not only would that help you get a date and a mate, but being assertive is a better way to be a mate.

No quiero discutir con Talitha, para........ he needs to become comfortable being "himself" before trying to project what may come across as false assertiveness. This may reward him with a date, but it will not really be the "true" essence of who is naturally ... and later on, it will likely come back around to bite him, and leave him feeling even more inept around women.

I have always told boys not to ever try to play the Christian who will not fight if they do not, first, KNOW they can fight, and therefore are not acting through false machismo, or out of fear. The same principle applies here... "First be true to yourself, then it stands that you can be untrue before no man"..... or woman.

 

[talitha]

Willie, you're a dear.. y.. touche....

 

[Johnnz]

No quiero discutir con Talitha, para........ he needs to become comfortable being "himself" before trying to project what may come across as false assertiveness. This may reward him with a date, but it will not really be the "true" essence of who is naturally ... and later on, it will likely come back around to bite him, and leave him feeling even more inept around women.

I have always told boys not to ever try to play the Christian who will not fight if they do not, first, KNOW they can fight, and therefore are not acting through false machismo, or out of fear. The same principle applies
here... "First be true to yourself, then it stands that you can be untrue before no man"..... or woman.

It's not always an either or. I was rather introverted entering teenage years. I made a decision to get out there and become more self confident and socially competent. That became a self reinforcing cycle, made more friends, became more confident, became less insecure and socially reserved.

John
NZ

 

[MadamImAdaminChrist]

Nope

So the girl--when she comes--is going to be your social life as well as your girlfriend, right? I mean, as it stands. That is too much weight to bear for most relationships.
Spread yourself out is my advice--guy friends and a social group before dating. I have done the reverse and I put all my needs and expectations on one person . . . and it does not work out.

Now, I don't mean you have to become the life of the party before you date, but I would set as a goal to be with the menfolk in some small meaningful ways before the womenfolk. I think that this is a better progression and is a better focus in your life right now.

 

[emberlight]

let me just say, you're not alone. but its good advice, get more friends - male and female, and it will make life alot easier, and make forming a deeper relationship much more natural.