Still in Denial Sometimes

[4Everloved]

I've been here in the bipolar threads reading for about an hour. Sometimes I try to convince myself I'm not really bp. Maybe it's just that I wish I wasn't? Was diagnosed 2 months ago. At first I was so glad to have meds that actually helped...now I just wish I'd never heard the word bipolar. It's not that I'm ashamed, I don't think...I can't put my finger on what I feel exactly.

I'll be honest...I miss my highs. I'm so 'mild mannered' anymore; I've lost my passion for ministry--I get excited about nothing. I'm just here and that's all. Sure, I get better grades in my classes, but am I having any fun? I drive a long distance to class daily. In the past I listened to music; would get high off it; cry, smile, pray, praise. Now I just listen to the music and think about the words logically. It is dull, boring, and regular and I hate it.

I miss my old self. I'd rather be her. I don't know who this new person is that I've become. She's boring and predictable. I don't miss the deep depressions though. I do well now in not having the depressions; they are much less severe.

But I'd be lying if I didn't admit I miss the highs. Nothing moves me anymore. I sat in church yesterday, 3 days before Christmas....expressionless, no reaction or feeling about a choir and special music where they were singing their hearts out. No spiritual or emotional connection whatsoever with the sermon or anything the pastor said, or anything that any of the ministry staff announced. Just didn't care. Dead, neutral, uncaring, unfeeling. I have kept it a secret of course, at church and with other acquaintances and most friends, so most people do not know I'm bipolar. I wonder if they wonder...what happened to me and all my passion for Sparrow House (the shelter ministry I started), and why I don't cry anymore during worship (tears of joy and praise), and why I look so dead. Or maybe they don't even notice or care.

I notice, and I don't want to be dead anymore.

I have an appointment with doctor the day after Christmas. She keeps pushing to make the dosage larger. I really sincerely do not think I need a larger dosage. I think it will just make me more 'dead'.

I know this is a long and tedious post. There is no where else on CF (or any website, for that matter) where I can talk about this.

Thanks.

 

[goldenviolet]

we have so much in common. oddly enough i see my therapist the day after too.

the hardships we face make us good shoulders for others. it's my biggest comfort after being greatful the Lord keeps me so close in His mercy and grace. see, i struggle daily to stay here in reality. and discouragement is heavy today. it's so good to talk to someone who understands. i pray blessings over you. it is possible to find contentment and satisfaction that our healling is spiritually a lovely gift of salvation. a nice crown of complete wellness is waiting for someday some beautiful day! xo love dee

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

I know I am certainitly thankful for my medication you bet. I would be totally not functional without my medication, I couldn't hold a job or anything I would be psychotic. I pay $290 a month to keep that from happening, really though if I coulddn't pay that, I really would have to go the generic older medications, the ones that can cause Tardive Dyskinesia, so thankfully I can take the newer ones, and not worry about that, but it is hard it really is. There is no public mental health in Florida, it is all private, and there is some funding for those in need but nothing for someone who lives with other people who have an income that puts you over a limit, so it is really scary and i want to get hired full time you bet.

Keep taking your meds, you'll get used to them, it takes a while for the body to adjust to them. I remember when I was first taking one of my meds, it made me sleep fifteen hours a day, it sucked.

 

[sherr33]

This Christmas was my worst christmas ever.

 

[4Everloved]

((((((((((sherr)))))))))))

God bless you, sherr. Well, Christmas is over so life will probably slow down and get better now.

Take care and be blessed.

(I don't care for Christmas either.) It's a crock. There's barely anything 'Jesus' about it...just a lot of pushing and stress to get together with people who don't give a whip about you so you can exchange presents?

 

[Alaskamomma]

Sher, You are loved! ANd being prayed for, sis!

4Ever, I felt as I was reading my own words. I could so relate to what you have been through and feel. I will have been diangonsed two years this coming January and I still can't quite come to terms that I have this illness. It strikes me to my core. I miss my old self. I miss how creative I was and all the writing I would do. I miss doing everything so well that everyone around me just thought I was great. I would be "the magnet" at parties. I miss the ole me. (sigh)

Now, like you, I am predictable especially when it comes to my meds. I wince with pain every time I have to swallow them. No one here understands why... they just remind me of how bad it got. I wish their could be a balance. Some way, some how. So, I just muddle on. Everything has become so routine...

 

[4Everloved]

Alaskamomma, it makes me feel better that you can relate to what I said. To me, it's not so much about healing is that I don't enjoy being emotionless.

My passion for the ministry God gave me is gone. Perhaps it is not time for that to start now and God has taken it from me. I do have a longing (and I have been getting good grades) to finish school well, and get my bachelor's degree so I can finally do something with my life. And without the medication; looking at reality--I wouldn't even be able to effectively finish college. It's hard because I'm much older than the average student and also have a 2 and 1/2 year old.
(Also have a teenager that doesn't mind watching him, and that's really a blessing.)

I need to look at the positives right now and not dwell on the glass being half empty. It's just hard, because as you said, that exuberant self that draws people around you seems to disappear. And I don't understand why. Why does medication have to do that?

The thing I miss the very most is my love of music and how it used to move me and uplift me, or soothe my sorrow if I felt sad. Now I just sit there emotionless, music has no effect upon me. I think I miss that even more than ministry. Although it's hard to minister to others when I feel nothing. Listening to the choir and the special music at church has ALWAYS meant more to me than the sermon, as worship and praise is important to me. I can get more out of bible study at home sometimes than listening to a sermon. I suppose that's part of creativity? Creativity is a blessing and I don't appreciate giving it up. But God does say to lay our life down, so I need to do that; not ready yet. Taking medication that I need, I suppose, is part of laying my life down to His hands and His guidance.

I was in jail ministry initially and was planning a place called Sparrow House which would temporarily hold those who struggle with alcoholism, drug addiction, and mental illness. I don't know what is going on; I feel no inclination to get others involved. I had started Board Meetings and everything and now I do nothing about it and feel absolutely nothing for it.

Of course, certain people said I had "too much" passion and were turned off by it, I suppose. When one feels strongly about something, that passion has the ability to drive us. And not being driven, feels strange, empty, and lifeless. I never wanted to be like the character Spock in Star Trek.

Maybe I need a medication adjustment. Going to the therapist today.

Thanks again, Alaskamomma, for so succinctly describing the thing that holds us two in common. I would say that you are still a very good writer. God bless.

 

[Alive again]

I can relate to you both but in a strange way. My experience is the opposite as my bp presented with 99% depression. My meds actually re-awoke the passionate side of me without the downs. However, I am uncomfortable with the more extroverted me and often do not know if I am going over the top, esp in conversations with others. . .I then end up being manic like and stepping on others toes, so then do I talk with doc about and increase or decrease or addition of a med. . .sigh it gets so frustrating. And yet, I would not stop my meds ever, because I had so many years I sat in my chair and missed life completely or slept so I could feel like I was dead even though I kept waking back up to this fuzzy reality that wouldn't go away where I was unloved and a burden and and and. . .and yet those feelings are where I have been the most comfortable, for they are where I lived over 40 years of my life-this new me has taken some getting used to, getting comfortable with and yet I still do not like this me at times.

Isn't this illness interesting-same experiences in a different variation. . .

Your comments about music are interesting, for I always used music to express my depressions growing up-it helped me cry and get out my anger, etc but when i became so depressed I could not longer function-music and sound of any kind became an irritant as my world became gray. With the help of my meds music is a delight again, except some types of music continue to be an irritant.

Know I can relate to a troubled verbally abusive marriage, a ministry that passion for goes up and down, love for kids that keeps you fighting for life, the desire to have never had this illness and yet the strange realization that it is part of what formed you to be the strong and capable person and most importantly, caring person that you are, and the odd thoughts that say things like-maybe if you had never been in this relationship- perhaps you wouldn't really have to take these meds, etc and then the realization that if it was just the relationship or the stress in your life or your hormones or whatever, -this med wouldn't help!!! So you take a deep breath, take your meds and say a prayer that God would use you, your illness, the experiences of your life to somehow bring glory to His name and give you the strength and wisdom to see you through this day; and your life.

Sorry to be so long winded!

 

[4Everloved]

You are not long-winded. You are perfect. So perfect.

I can't think of where you get so much wisdom, except to get it from Father God.

Thank you.