Step Parenting Tips

[JustASmallTownGirl06]

I am engaged to a single dad of my future 2 STepDaughters, 5 and 4. They are sweet girls overall, and have been through a lot - their dad was military, and their Birth Mom is still in the military, essentially across the world. After their divorce was finalized last year, their dad moved them back to be closer to his family and has full-time custody, with the BIrth Mom having contact occasionally and visitation rights, but due to money and location, she rarely does.


Now, my fiancé has done a great job overall. His girls are independent and smart and funny. He has just recently got them enrolled in daycare, and finally found a job that fit with their daycare hours. He was house-hunting when the COVID crazy hit, and now is stuck at his sister's house with her family until he can find an apartment or home of his own.


He had a crappy childhood...his stepdad was abusive, smacked the kids around, they weren't allowed to have feelings essentially, etc. so while he knows it's important to have his kids have a better childhood than him, he sometimes misses common-sense things. For instance, if they start crying, he'll comfort them for a couple seconds, but quickly get frustrated if they are what he deems too dramatic. He also has a weird mix of structure and not. His girls mind well and rarely throw fits, but they also don't have any routine really, especially now. For instance, at bedtime, he'll tell them to go brush their teeth, and they...sometimes do, sometimes don't, sometimes throw toothpaste on the mirror; sometimes play with the water...he has no follow through. If we go out to eat, he'll let them stand up or become so focused on talking to me that he won't make sure they eat. I'll try to get them to sit down and eat, but of course, if he's not too concerned, they won't do it. He also doesn't make them stay super close in the grocery store or shopping. But, he also won't let them become unruly...he just doesn't seem to be super concerned with them following rules exactly.

he'll tell them it's time to leave somewhere and to get their shoes on, and they'll wander off. I should mention, he has Asperger's, so I think the follow through might be lost on him. But his girls are smart, when I asked the oldest why she wasn't putting her shoes on, she told me daddy always gets distracted so they can play longer.


I don't mind picking up some slack, organizing and making plans and following rules happen to be my jam

but it's going to be difficult when we're all together to establish rules. Has anyone had any experience with this and have any tips or ideas? Are there are considerations or ways I should be praying?

 

[JAM2b]

If he isn't on-board with the rules and willing to support you in that and back you up, then this will blow up in your face.

They aren't going to suddenly start listening to you if dad is there and doesn't enforce it.

What you guys need is family counseling and get on the same page about house rules and follow throughs. If this does not happen, then you'll need to take a back seat in parenting and let them continue as they are.

Just some general tips though :

Big changes take a lot of time, patience, and consistency. Even if you see results early on, that does not mean they will last. There will be ups and downs, setbacks, and swings like a pendulum.

Don't have too many rules. The more rules you have, then harder they are to remember (especially for the kids) and to enforce consistently.

Pick rules that are important for safety, health, and education. Everything else is battles that can be picked or let go.

If you have a rule that can't be enforced consistently, then it doesn't need to be rule. It needs to just be an instruction that you give when it is needed.

It is more important to be consistent in what you say than it is to have a lot of rules that you have to enforce. Your "yes" needs to always mean yes, and your "no" needs to always mean no.

When it's almost time to leave someplace don't wait until it's time to go to tell them. Also, don't tell them until both of you really mean it. Give them a five to ten minute warning, or one or two more turns/times warning (one more time down the slide; one more turn throwing a ball). Give it before they have to put their shoes on. They need a time of transition for their minds to wrap around the fact that their fun is almost over, instead of suddenly trying to bring it to an end and then not really meaning it.

Learn what is reasonable and appropriate for typical kids their age. Don't expect more than a child of their age can usually handle.

Most importantly, if you want respectful and well disciplined kids, you need to model that for them. You want them to leave when it's time, then you leave when it's time. You want them to eat right, then you eat right. You want them to be respectful and kind, then you be that way. No amount of rules or enforcement will out weigh the impact of how you live your life in front of them.

 

[JustASmallTownGirl06]

If he isn't on-board with the rules and willing to support you in that and back you up, then this will blow up in your face.

They aren't going to suddenly start listening to you if dad is there and doesn't enforce it.

What you guys need is family counseling and get on the same page about house rules and follow throughs. If this does not happen, then you'll need to take a back seat in parenting and let them continue as they are.

Just some general tips though :

Big changes take a lot of time, patience, and consistency. Even if you see results early on, that does not mean they will last. There will be ups and downs, setbacks, and swings like a pendulum.

Don't have too many rules. The more rules you have, then harder they are to remember (especially for the kids) and to enforce consistently.

Pick rules that are important for safety, health, and education. Everything else is battles that can be picked or let go.

If you have a rule that can't be enforced consistently, then it doesn't need to be rule. It needs to just be an instruction that you give when it is needed.

It is more important to be consistent in what you say than it is to have a lot of rules that you have to enforce. Your "yes" needs to always mean yes, and your "no" needs to always mean no.

When it's almost time to leave someplace don't wait until it's time to go to tell them. Also, don't tell them until both of you really mean it. Give them a five to ten minute warning, or one or two more turns/times warning (one more time down the slide; one more turn throwing a ball). Give it before they have to put their shoes on. They need a time of transition for their minds to wrap around the fact that their fun is almost over, instead of suddenly trying to bring it to an end and then not really meaning it.

Learn what is reasonable and appropriate for typical kids their age. Don't expect more than a child of their age can usually handle.

Most importantly, if you want respectful and well disciplined kids, you need to model that for them. You want them to leave when it's time, then you leave when it's time. You want them to eat right, then you eat right. You want them to be respectful and kind, then you be that way. No amount of rules or enforcement will out weigh the impact of how you live your life in front of them.

Very much appreciate the thoughtful response!! Lots to pray and think about for sure.

 

[keith99]

First one specific.

You can create a bedtime routine. Not bedtime rules, bedtime routine. The most obvious is reading to them before bed. Or even watching a favorite TV show with them.

Give them the good side (from their viewpoint) of a parent first.

You might be able to do the same with the mornings, but I have no specific advice there. But finding out is there is something they like for breakfast that is more than pouring the favorite cereal into a bowl and fixing it could work. If there is some reason they want to be up and ready.

Above all be flexible. That does not mean be a pushover. Think of it like being a football coach. If the game plan works great. But if parts do not work change them. That does not mean give up on the area, just tweak things a bit. Even where things are working you might want to make minor adjustments.

Think about girl things. If their mom has been deployed a lot they may have been shortchanged there. They may be thirsty for girl specific stuff. Or they might not be and don't want it. So listen and pay attention. This and other fun stuff is an area where you need to be responsive. Respond to what they want, but don't push them into things they don't want.

One last thought. Routine does not mean every day. One day can be go to the park day. Another can be movie night, which does not mean go out to a movie, but could mean popcorn while watching. And as above keep what works and change what does not.