I have clinical depression, general anxiety, coupled with a learning disability as a result of a car accident a number of years ago now. Overall, this makes it very difficult for me to, as you might say, 'function like the average young adult.' Now, my father recently got remarried. I'm happy for him, and I think that in general, she's a nice person. However, she and I are often 'butting heads,' so to speak, and because of this, I feel as though I'm regressing in terms of stability, both mentally and emotionally. I understand that this entire situation is as new to her as it is to me, but it appears like I'm the only one truly going that extra mile for the other person, as she hasn't, at least in front of me, made any real attempt at trying to understand, or 'respect' where I'm coming from, what I've been through, and what I need. It's been hard enough for me explaining myself to people who've been there throughout the entire ordeal thus far, let alone to someone who truly has little idea about my life. I feel like she judges me unfairly, 'villainizing' me, even when I've done my best. I have feelings of resentment toward my biological mother for mental and emotional abuse I endured as a child, and I feel as though the cycle is repeating itself. I refuse to let it happen again, but I don't want to estrange my step-mother, if only because of my father, whom I love very much. I've tried talking to him, telling him we all need to sit down and talk, but he agrees each time, only to not follow through with the plan. Emotionally, I'm drained over the issue, and I'm angry-even at myself for often not being able to do more to help things. The more I feel pushed, the more I tend to regress, and the more I see her branding me as 'a lazy good-for-nothing.' Any advice would be helpful. (I already see a councellor, just so that you know. I'm just looking for a different perspective, possibly from someone who's gone through something similar). Thanks.
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Step-mother and mental illness
- Thread starter QuakerOats
- Start date
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UnitynLove
Guest
"I have feelings of resentment toward my biological mother for mental and emotional abuse I endured as a child, and I feel as though the cycle is repeating itself."
I think you should forgive your biological mother first before moving on with your relationship with your step mother. The reason I say this is because sometimes we drag our old baggage into new relationships and we subconsciously don't know what we are doing. For instance, if a woman had an abusive husband who put her down, hit her, and abandoned her she would be less likely to trust men or having anything to do with them. Is she justified in her anger towards her husband? Absolutely! But if that women meets other men, keep in mind they are not like her husband, she is more likely to shy away from them due to the abuse of her past. Then she wonders how come I don't have any good relationships with men? That is because she is holding on to what her ex husband did. Now I'm not blaming you for the abuse, but forgive your mother first then God will help you in this new relationship trust me. As soon as you let go of your past that's when God can give you a great future.
How to Forgive
Would you like to become more successful at forgiving others? There are practical steps that must be taken. One time I asked the Lord why so many people want to forgive but aren’t successful doing it. And He said, "Because they aren’t obeying what I tell them to do in My Word." As I searched the Word, I found the following instructions:
1. Decide – You will never forgive if you wait until you feel like it. Choose to obey God and steadfastly resist the devil in his attempts to poison you with bitter thoughts. Make a quality decision to forgive, and God will heal your wounded emotions in due time (see Matthew 6:12,14).
2. Depend – You cannot forgive without the power of the Holy Spirit. It’s too hard to do on your own. If you are truly willing, God will enable you, but you must humble yourself and cry out to Him for help. In John 20:22,23 Jesus breathed on the disciples and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit!” His next instruction was about forgiving people. Ask God to breathe the Holy Spirit on you so you can forgive those who’ve hurt you.
3. Obey – The Word tells us several things we’re to do concerning forgiving our enemies:
a. Pray for your enemies and those who abuse and misuse you. Pray for their happiness and welfare (see Luke 6:27,28). As you pray, God can give them revelation that will bring them out of deception. They may not even be aware they hurt you, or maybe they’re aware but are so self-centered that they don’t care. Either way, they need revelation.
b. …Bless and do not curse them (Romans 12:14). In the Greek to bless means "to speak well of" and to curse means "to speak evil of." You can’t walk in forgiveness and be a gossip. You must stop repeating the offense. You can’t get over it if you continue to talk about it. Proverbs 17:9 says that he who covers an offense seeks love.
I think you should forgive your biological mother first before moving on with your relationship with your step mother. The reason I say this is because sometimes we drag our old baggage into new relationships and we subconsciously don't know what we are doing. For instance, if a woman had an abusive husband who put her down, hit her, and abandoned her she would be less likely to trust men or having anything to do with them. Is she justified in her anger towards her husband? Absolutely! But if that women meets other men, keep in mind they are not like her husband, she is more likely to shy away from them due to the abuse of her past. Then she wonders how come I don't have any good relationships with men? That is because she is holding on to what her ex husband did. Now I'm not blaming you for the abuse, but forgive your mother first then God will help you in this new relationship trust me. As soon as you let go of your past that's when God can give you a great future.
How to Forgive
Would you like to become more successful at forgiving others? There are practical steps that must be taken. One time I asked the Lord why so many people want to forgive but aren’t successful doing it. And He said, "Because they aren’t obeying what I tell them to do in My Word." As I searched the Word, I found the following instructions:
1. Decide – You will never forgive if you wait until you feel like it. Choose to obey God and steadfastly resist the devil in his attempts to poison you with bitter thoughts. Make a quality decision to forgive, and God will heal your wounded emotions in due time (see Matthew 6:12,14).
2. Depend – You cannot forgive without the power of the Holy Spirit. It’s too hard to do on your own. If you are truly willing, God will enable you, but you must humble yourself and cry out to Him for help. In John 20:22,23 Jesus breathed on the disciples and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit!” His next instruction was about forgiving people. Ask God to breathe the Holy Spirit on you so you can forgive those who’ve hurt you.
3. Obey – The Word tells us several things we’re to do concerning forgiving our enemies:
a. Pray for your enemies and those who abuse and misuse you. Pray for their happiness and welfare (see Luke 6:27,28). As you pray, God can give them revelation that will bring them out of deception. They may not even be aware they hurt you, or maybe they’re aware but are so self-centered that they don’t care. Either way, they need revelation.
b. …Bless and do not curse them (Romans 12:14). In the Greek to bless means "to speak well of" and to curse means "to speak evil of." You can’t walk in forgiveness and be a gossip. You must stop repeating the offense. You can’t get over it if you continue to talk about it. Proverbs 17:9 says that he who covers an offense seeks love.
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Ariel
Servant
Forgiveness is a good first step, UnitynLove gave such great advice!
Graciousness helps tremendously as well.
I was afraid of someone in my family who always tore me down. She was coming to visit me, and I was petrified. I cleaned my home meticulously, but I knew even this would not help. I dropped into bed in exhaustion, but prayed first, asking for help. As I woke up, the Lord spoke to me. He reminded me of Proverbs 11:16, where is says that a gracious woman retains honor. He gave me the understanding that I was to be gracious with this person. I was to treat her honorably, and at the same time expect her to treat me honorably as well.
So I did that. When I picked her up from the airport I noticed the blouse she was wearing and commented on how well that looked on her. During the visit I looked for opportunities for honest praise. It had to be honest, she would sense it if it wasn't. I found many, thanking her for her help in the past, graciously acknowledging her, praising even little things.
It totally unarmed her. Suddenly I realized the reason she had so much difficulty giving me good words was because she had almost never gotten any good words herself. How can you pass on love when you have so little yourself? I found myself coming to love her in a way I had never loved her before--and amazingly she reciprocated.
I have never forgotten that lesson. Sometimes the difficult people in our lives are difficult because they have had so little love and acceptance. So give them good words, encourage them, praise them. Love them a little with the love of God, and see how they change. It is truly amazing.
Graciousness helps tremendously as well.
I was afraid of someone in my family who always tore me down. She was coming to visit me, and I was petrified. I cleaned my home meticulously, but I knew even this would not help. I dropped into bed in exhaustion, but prayed first, asking for help. As I woke up, the Lord spoke to me. He reminded me of Proverbs 11:16, where is says that a gracious woman retains honor. He gave me the understanding that I was to be gracious with this person. I was to treat her honorably, and at the same time expect her to treat me honorably as well.
So I did that. When I picked her up from the airport I noticed the blouse she was wearing and commented on how well that looked on her. During the visit I looked for opportunities for honest praise. It had to be honest, she would sense it if it wasn't. I found many, thanking her for her help in the past, graciously acknowledging her, praising even little things.
It totally unarmed her. Suddenly I realized the reason she had so much difficulty giving me good words was because she had almost never gotten any good words herself. How can you pass on love when you have so little yourself? I found myself coming to love her in a way I had never loved her before--and amazingly she reciprocated.
I have never forgotten that lesson. Sometimes the difficult people in our lives are difficult because they have had so little love and acceptance. So give them good words, encourage them, praise them. Love them a little with the love of God, and see how they change. It is truly amazing.
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U
UnitynLove
Guest
Wow Ariel, you broke it dooownn!!
I just heard a sermon called "There is no real need for offense" where the pastor was talking about those who hurt us are hurt individuals themselves. You should never really give offense to someone because the issue is not really with you it is really with themselves. Like in your case, this person did not receive the love and affection that they needed in their lives so they took it out on you. I believe that this person is Was it right? No. But I think the devils trick is to get us mad at what they did to us and not look at what might be going on in their lives. Now I know the reason why Jesus said to pray and forgive those who hurt you, because they are hurting inside themselves. Jesus knew that there was always something deeper going on in that person life to cause them to act that way.
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