Staying Together

[favoritetoyisjoy]

In matters of the heart it's been said: "There is no cure; only prevention." How do you protect and enrich your marriage?

 

[ValleyGal]

I protect my marriage by making A34 my best friend, and by being the best friend I can possibly be to him. I protect it by connecting with him every day. I protect it by nurturing positive thinking about him and showing him respect even if we are disagreeing.

To be honest, I lack in creativity in the "enrichment" department. I have no idea how to get romantic with him, or how to make the marriage richer for him. I suppose part of our work also enriches our marriage - when we review the 7 Principles workshop before hosting it, etc...I suppose that helps to enrich our marriage - but it typically reinforces what we already do...the things that protect the marriage. Hmm...I need to think about this one for a while and maybe work on this area a little.

 

[turkle]

I protect my marriage by protecting my husband. I have to remind myself regularly (because it does not come naturally) to put his needs first. He does the same for me. He needs my respect, and because I do respect him, I remind myself to express to him the things he does that I respect. He needs to hear it, so I am intentional about filling that need. I tell him regularly how I admire him. It's all true, so I make it a point to actually say it. It builds him up.

He does the same for me. He knows that I need to be loved. He is not a naturally expressive man, but for me he is. He demonstrative about how much he cherishes me, and constantly tells me how much he loves me. I know that he is doing this to fill my heart, and he is very successful.

The point is to look at the other person's greatest needs, and fill it to excess. Because we are so intentional to do this, when we disagree, we do not fight. Instead, we have very intense conversations where we are free to express what hurts us, but we do not attack. We get angry, and express that anger quietly. We talk it through. There is never anything unsaid to cause resentment.

By the way, this comes from a history of not doing any of the things I mentioned, and paying the price for it. We have gained a lot of wisdom through our past mistakes, and we are careful not to repeat them. We simply love each other in the way that we need to be loved, and there is nothing better than that.

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

I protect my marriage by protecting my husband. I have to remind myself regularly (because it does not come naturally) to put his needs first. He does the same for me. He needs my respect, and because I do respect him, I remind myself to express to him the things he does that I respect. He needs to hear it, so I am intentional about filling that need. I tell him regularly how I admire him. It's all true, so I make it a point to actually say it. It builds him up.

He does the same for me. He knows that I need to be loved. He is not a naturally expressive man, but for me he is. He demonstrative about how much he cherishes me, and constantly tells me how much he loves me. I know that he is doing this to fill my heart, and he is very successful.

The point is to look at the other person's greatest needs, and fill it to excess. Because we are so intentional to do this, when we disagree, we do not fight. Instead, we have very intense conversations where we are free to express what hurts us, but we do not attack. We get angry, and express that anger quietly. We talk it through. There is never anything unsaid to cause resentment.

By the way, this comes from a history of not doing any of the things I mentioned, and paying the price for it. We have gained a lot of wisdom through our past mistakes, and we are careful not to repeat them. We simply love each other in the way that we need to be loved, and there is nothing better than that.

Great post. I relate to reminding yourself to put your spouse first and that it doesn't always come naturally. The Golden Rule is golden, if I put myself in her shoes I can't fail.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

My husband and I say "thank you" to each other over seemingly trivial things a lot of people wouldn't think they need to be thanked for doing. We thank each other for cooking and cleaning and all kinds of routine things. I thank him for going to work at his job, and earning his paycheck, and sometimes I even thank him for being my husband. He is not the best person in the world with spoken words, so I am more likely than he is to compliment him on something specific than he is for me, but he is quick with his thanks when I help him with a task. I like to point out that we are a team, and teams work together at a common goal.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I know when to hold em and know when to fold em.

 

[Inkachu]

Consult each other on everything. Asking your spouse what they think helps them feel respected and valued, and two heads are always better than one! Don't be afraid to say what you think. Be willing to hear stuff you may not like. Be generous, selfless, forgiving, understanding, and empathetic. Acknowledge stuff for what it is; don't be afraid to get mad or feel hurt, and you should feel free and safe to say "I'm mad" or "That hurt". Just make sure you work it out and get past it; holding onto stuff is poison for a relationship.

 

[WolfGate]

My husband and I say "thank you" to each other over seemingly trivial things a lot of people wouldn't think they need to be thanked for doing. We thank each other for cooking and cleaning and all kinds of routine things. I thank him for going to work at his job, and earning his paycheck, and sometimes I even thank him for being my husband. He is not the best person in the world with spoken words, so I am more likely than he is to compliment him on something specific than he is for me, but he is quick with his thanks when I help him with a task. I like to point out that we are a team, and teams work together at a common goal.

We do the "thank you" thing a lot as well. It's also nice to see our kids thank their mom for making frozen waffles before school - rather than just taking even that quick thing for granted.

 

[Ana the Ist]

In matters of the heart it's been said: "There is no cure; only prevention." How do you protect and enrich your marriage?

I'll have been married for almost 6 years now and known my wife for 7. It sounds like bragging, but I honestly feel like we have an amazing marriage. We never argue and we're even more in love now than we were when we started dating each other. I'm not christian, I'm an atheist, so I wouldn't presume to give you any sort of spiritual or religious advice...but I think I have some practical advice that could be useful to you or really any guy having trouble in his relationship/marriage.

Protection. Find out what your wife cannot cope with and come to an understanding on these things. These aren't the sort of things you want to learn the hard way, but often women won't tell you these things straight away for fear of scaring you off. One example for my wife is porn. Every girl I ever dated before my wife didn't have any problems with me looking at porn. My wife made it very clear that to her, it was the same as cheating. I asked her to explain why that was...she told me that she felt it was disrespectful to look at naked women and fantasize about them. She asked how I would feel if she looked at naked men and fantasized about them. When she put it that way, I totally understood. I haven't looked at porn since. Another example would be social media...I had a myspace page when I met her. She wasn't comfortable with girls talking and sometimes trying to flirt with me on some medium that I can keep secret from her. She wanted to trust me...but if I was trustworthy, why would I need to keep anything like that private from her. We both agreed to get rid of any social media sites...we don't have any facebook, twitter, instagram...or anything. Any email addresses we have, we both have the passwords to. We both know the combinations to unlock our phones. We don't hide anything from each other...and we trust each other completely. Neither of us have actually gone through either of each other's things...we could...we just never do since we have that trust. The third part of this formula is communication. I can't stress this past enough. I talk to my wife all the time, about important things, about trivial things. I want to know her feelings, her thoughts, her opinions on just about everything. She loves this about me...she loves that she can discuss anything we me and feel comfortable about it. It's the only way you can keep a high level of understanding between your wife and yourself. It's absolutely crucial. If my wife doesn't want to discuss something, I make sure she knows I'm available when she changes her mind. After she gets some time to gather her thoughts and feelings...she always opens up. It keeps our marriage strong. So to summarize lol, make clear potential problems before they become problems and work through them. Remove any obstacles that would keep you from trusting each other. Finally, make communication a daily thing...there is no understanding without communication.

 

[Ana the Ist]

In matters of the heart it's been said: "There is no cure; only prevention." How do you protect and enrich your marriage?

Enrichment. To me, this part is all about sharing your lives together. My wife is the woman I decided I want to share my life with...these aren't just words I said in a vow, these are actions I make that show her she's number one in my life. I show her that I consider her as much as I consider myself. An example of this would be that I let no one (I mean no one) speak bad about my wife in front of me. An insult to her would be an insult to me now. I had traveled back to my hometown with her to visit my parents for the first time in 3 years. We all went out for dinner where we also met my uncle and aunt (my father's side). She had never met my uncle before, and he has a somewhat crude sense of humor that not everyone gets right away. Shortly after dinner began, he made a joke to me that was something about her being a mail-order bride and how much did I pay for her? My wife is half Filipino and extremely attractive and this was my uncle's way of making light of how she's far more attractive than me (so I must have paid for her). I knew he was joking, but my wife was visibly embarrassed. I told him that although I knew he was joking, she didn't, and if he didn't apologize we would be leaving right then. He then became very embarrassed and apologized immediately while explaining what he meant. This is a small example among several, but my wife knows I'll always stand up for her. Another example of sharing our lives is that I won't go anywhere she isn't invited. Poker night with the guys? I'll gladly come.. if my wife is invited too. That doesn't mean she will want to go, or won't let me go without her, but if she's not allowed for some reason (maybe they plan to get a stripper for some guy's birthday or someone's wife/gf doesn't like her or want her around) I won't go. It works the same way with her. Yet another example would be that I don't make any major decisions without her. If we're looking for a new car and I like one that she can't stand...we don't get it. It's a major purchase and one we have to live with for some time...so it's important to us that we both agree. I may be the only income earner at this time, but we share all we have so it's as much her money as it is mine. I even ask for her input on most small purchases (a new vacuum cleaner for example) though I will make the choices if she doesn't care or isn't available to give her two cents. This idea of equality or compromise extends to nearly all areas of our lives. We share household chores even though, as I said, I'm the only one working at the moment. We watch movies and shows she likes as often as we watch what I want. We'll go out to a place I want one night and a place she wants next time. I can't tell you how many times over the years a gf wanted me to choose everything...but she wanted me to magically choose what she wanted and was resentful when I couldn't read her mind. We don't play those guessing games. That doesn't mean there isn't any spontaneity or randomness in our lives...it just means that everything isn't about me nor is it all about her.

There's a lot more to making it work, but I can't imagine being happier with my wife or my marriage. Not a day goes by where she doesn't thank me for even the smallest things, or tell me how much she loves me or how lucky she feels to have me. She always wants me around...she always wants to make me happy. I feel the same way about her,I cherish every moment I get with her. This is very general, very broad advice...but I honestly feel like you can't go wrong with it.

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

Great posts Ana the 1st, and great attitude.

The best thing I can do in my marriage is to ever grow closer to God. When I am close to Him, "self" diminshes in my life and He increases.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Communication, forgiveness, romance...etc. TO list specifically things would make this reply almost endless.