Starting to wonder if something's wrong with me

[HoneyBee]

Well... ever since the latter end of last year, I was doing pretty great. I was going to therapy still, and yet I couldn't really think of anything to discuss during my sessions. We then decreased my sessions to once every other week, then once every two weeks and, long story short, I ended up leaving therapy on good terms. That was right before Christmas break of last year, with only one more session at the beginning of January just to confirm that I was alright and no longer needed therapy.

Now, that being said, life has been great since then! I've been more outgoing, active, helpful, religious, etc. since then and it's been just so good for me in every aspect of my life... but, I've also noticed some things happening to me, particularly recently, that have been causing me a bit of concern. At first I didn't think much of it, but now I'm starting to wonder if there really is something wrong with me again.

• Ever since the middle of February, I've been really emotional, I've noticed. I remember it started with me revisiting a movie about the victims of Hiroshima and watching other animated depictions of what happened on that day in 1945. And then, after a very vivid dream involving the perpetrators of the Columbine school shooting, I was mourning the victims of said shooting. I thought maybe I was just having another one of my moments or something, but then my mourning shifted to the victims of a TON of other accidents, tragedies, etc.
  • To cope, I wrote out and verbalized some prayers, and eventually, the feelings of mourning went away.

Things were calm after that for a little bit, but then I felt inspired to do many different random acts of kindness. I haven't been overdoing it or anything, but yeah. Just thought I ought to note that before the next wave of emotions started to come over me.

• This time, I don't know why, but I really felt the strong urge to shout a specific obscenity (sometimes repeatedly) and write it VERY HARD on my notebook paper. I didn't end up doing any of that, but yeah... and the urge is still there, so I've been shouting the bad word in my head, occasionally, hoping that will make it go away. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, please don't judge me for it.
• I also keep feeling the urge to hurt myself?? I felt that earlier too, and at first it was because of a feeling of needing to self-punish, but now I'm thinking it might be just stress?? I was doing some homework today and I kept gesturing at myself (as if speaking in my own kind of sign language) to hurt myself.
• Not only that, but I was as a conference today and I kept having to bounce my leg and squeeze my hand to keep myself calm enough to "sit still" during most of the day. I also notice myself during this during church every Sunday. The only thing that keeps me feeling less fidgety is specifically running my right thumb over the natural ridges on my left thumb's nail, and vice versa. It's oddly specific, but it helps.
• I'm also feeling pretty anxious lately for some reason.
• Then there's also the aspect of my obsessions coming back to haunt me. Throughout my life, I've had really specific obsessions on various things (Historic events, forensics, psychology, the reproductive cycle, the development of a child, parenting, religion, etc.) and from time to time, I feel a pull towards something that becomes an obsession. Sometimes, the obsession lasts for only a short time while other times it lasts for about a few weeks. Maybe a month or two... or three, depending on how long it can hold my interest.
• Finally, I'm also having really vivid dreams lately and that is really not normal for me, at least these days. I used to have vivid dreams when I was still in an abusive environment and even after I moved out and was healing from it. But I'm not bothered by it anymore in any capacity (cross my heart!) and I'm just not sure why I've had vivid dreams for 3 or maybe 4 nights in a row now. Hmm...
• EDIT: I also forgot to add that I've been feeling pretty mournful and weepy lately again. This time over folks who have died in violent or heinous ways...

It's like... when I read this stuff, I feel like maybe I ought to see someone about this since it sounds like it's getting a little bit out of hand. And yet, at the same time, I just got out of therapy a few months ago. I don't want to have to go back so soon after telling my therapist that I was doing just peachy and was living on top of the world. The shame of it just makes me want to hurt myself even more for not being able to take care of myself better. Besides, the therapy center at school is pretty backed up with EVERYONE trying to come in for services now. It's a pain in the butt trying to schedule an appointment, and that's assuming I can even find an opening at this point. I'd go elsewhere for services, but it's too expensive to go elsewhere right now.

I don't want to apologize for posting about my problems on here all the time, but I really hope that these posts aren't making anyone annoyed. I know they'd make me pretty annoyed if I had to keep reading them.

 

[musicalpilgrim]

I pray for you to find your life in the Lord.
I pray you will immerse yourself in the Word of God and hear him speak to you of his love. The world and destructive thoughts will then fade away in the light of his love.

 

[devin553344]

Well... ever since the latter end of last year, I was doing pretty great. I was going to therapy still, and yet I couldn't really think of anything to discuss during my sessions. We then decreased my sessions to once every other week, then once every two weeks and, long story short, I ended up leaving therapy on good terms. That was right before Christmas break of last year, with only one more session at the beginning of January just to confirm that I was alright and no longer needed therapy.

Now, that being said, life has been great since then! I've been more outgoing, active, helpful, religious, etc. since then and it's been just so good for me in every aspect of my life... but, I've also noticed some things happening to me, particularly recently, that have been causing me a bit of concern. At first I didn't think much of it, but now I'm starting to wonder if there really is something wrong with me again.

• Ever since the middle of February, I've been really emotional, I've noticed. I remember it started with me revisiting a movie about the victims of Hiroshima and watching other animated depictions of what happened on that day in 1945. And then, after a very vivid dream involving the perpetrators of the Columbine school shooting, I was mourning the victims of said shooting. I thought maybe I was just having another one of my moments or something, but then my mourning shifted to the victims of a TON of other accidents, tragedies, etc.
  • To cope, I wrote out and verbalized some prayers, and eventually, the feelings of mourning went away.

Things were calm after that for a little bit, but then I felt inspired to do many different random acts of kindness. I haven't been overdoing it or anything, but yeah. Just thought I ought to note that before the next wave of emotions started to come over me.

• This time, I don't know why, but I really felt the strong urge to shout a specific obscenity (sometimes repeatedly) and write it VERY HARD on my notebook paper. I didn't end up doing any of that, but yeah... and the urge is still there, so I've been shouting the bad word in my head, occasionally, hoping that will make it go away. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, please don't judge me for it.
• I also keep feeling the urge to hurt myself?? I felt that earlier too, and at first it was because of a feeling of needing to self-punish, but now I'm thinking it might be just stress?? I was doing some homework today and I kept gesturing at myself (as if speaking in my own kind of sign language) to hurt myself.
• Not only that, but I was as a conference today and I kept having to bounce my leg and squeeze my hand to keep myself calm enough to "sit still" during most of the day. I also notice myself during this during church every Sunday. The only thing that keeps me feeling less fidgety is specifically running my right thumb over the natural ridges on my left thumb's nail, and vice versa. It's oddly specific, but it helps.
• I'm also feeling pretty anxious lately for some reason.
• Then there's also the aspect of my obsessions coming back to haunt me. Throughout my life, I've had really specific obsessions on various things (Historic events, forensics, psychology, the reproductive cycle, the development of a child, parenting, religion, etc.) and from time to time, I feel a pull towards something that becomes an obsession. Sometimes, the obsession lasts for only a short time while other times it lasts for about a few weeks. Maybe a month or two... or three, depending on how long it can hold my interest.
• Finally, I'm also having really vivid dreams lately and that is really not normal for me, at least these days. I used to have vivid dreams when I was still in an abusive environment and even after I moved out and was healing from it. But I'm not bothered by it anymore in any capacity (cross my heart!) and I'm just not sure why I've had vivid dreams for 3 or maybe 4 nights in a row now. Hmm...
• EDIT: I also forgot to add that I've been feeling pretty mournful and weepy lately again. This time over folks who have died in violent or heinous ways...

It's like... when I read this stuff, I feel like maybe I ought to see someone about this since it sounds like it's getting a little bit out of hand. And yet, at the same time, I just got out of therapy a few months ago. I don't want to have to go back so soon after telling my therapist that I was doing just peachy and was living on top of the world. The shame of it just makes me want to hurt myself even more for not being able to take care of myself better. Besides, the therapy center at school is pretty backed up with EVERYONE trying to come in for services now. It's a pain in the butt trying to schedule an appointment, and that's assuming I can even find an opening at this point. I'd go elsewhere for services, but it's too expensive to go elsewhere right now.

I don't want to apologize for posting about my problems on here all the time, but I really hope that these posts aren't making anyone annoyed. I know they'd make me pretty annoyed if I had to keep reading them.

It sounds like you might be suffering from bipolar mania. If that is the case then you need to see a psychiatrist, not a therapist. You should bring this post to them and have them analyze it.

To be completely honest the lows appear as if you're suffering from depression. But the other symptoms bring to light a different disorder I think. And I was under the impression that depression doesn't come in waves. That would be more a sign of bipolar disorder. And the urges to curse profanities are more bipolar. Although only a specialist can truly identify what is going on.

If that's the case, they have some pretty good medications for that now with little side effects.

If you're worried about payments then you need to get on Obama care or something else your state will pay for.

 

[Dave G.]

Seek out the things that bring joy not darkness, wars and bombs and victimization are all dark for what it's worth. You are what you take in and process. We know dark things take place but we don't need to seek those things, say a prayer on it and move on.

Find a hobby. Pray to God, live under the shadow of His protection. Memorize Psalm 23 and take it to heart, our joy is in the Lord not the world.

 

[SouthernBlessedOne]

Sorry to hear what you've been going through. I've dealt with anxiety, depression, and thoughts of hurting myself for many years, but by the grace of God I always get through those times. I've found those attacks would come if I neglected the Word of God. Which is why, for me, I must stay rooted in His Word daily. I am always trying to do some form of Bible study, or memorizing a verse to repeat throughout the day. Like DaveG said you are what you allow to take in. Feed your thoughts on God's Words and filter out the bad. I can tell you it's a daily battle my friend, but I pray the Holy Spirit will guard you from these attacks in Jesus name.

 

[1watchman]

A close personal relationship with the Lord Jesus is better than therapists by men. There might be a time for medication in some forms of organic malfunctions of thought and emotions, but for most moods and troubles of thought, I think a closer walk with the Lord Jesus is best. Thoughts of harming self is most likely of Satan, who is "the destroyer" (Psa. 17:4). With Christ in your heart and daily conversation with Him, God-the Father will be pleased and bless you with that "...peace that passeth all understanding" (Phil. 4:7). There is nothing more blessed than walking and talking with the Lord Jesus, I have found (note John 14 in your Bible). We need to enjoy His presence in all thoughts and prayers. I will pray for you.

 

[HoneyBee]

It sounds like you might be suffering from bipolar mania. If that is the case then you need to see a psychiatrist, not a therapist. You should bring this post to them and have them analyze it.

To be completely honest the lows appear as if you're suffering from depression. But the other symptoms bring to light a different disorder I think. And I was under the impression that depression doesn't come in waves. That would be more a sign of bipolar disorder. And the urges to curse profanities are more bipolar. Although only a specialist can truly identify what is going on.

If that's the case, they have some pretty good medications for that now with little side effects.

If you're worried about payments then you need to get on Obama care or something else your state will pay for.

Oh gosh. I was praying no one would say anything about bipolar disorder, but now that I look at it, you might be right.

My psychiatrist and I speculated that I might be bipolar for some years now and I thought maybe we were just misinterpreting things, but who am I trying to fool here? I've been showing signs for years and I didn't want for it to be true, but... yeah, I might actually be bipolar after all... How disappointing.

I debated with myself last night as to whether I should be truthful with my psychiatrist or not, but in the end, I think it would only work against me if I didn't. I just really don't want to have to admit defeat, especially after I started doing so well. Not only that, but I'm scared of going on Lithium or Lamictal or another traditional mood stabilizer. Those can be deadly at times or really mess up your body, so I'm hesitant... maybe I can convince her to try and put me on Abilify again, in conjunction with the zoloft that I am currently taking alone. Abilify didn't hurt me. I trust it.

Sorry, I'm thinking out loud again.

 

[devin553344]

Oh gosh. I was praying no one would say anything about bipolar disorder, but now that I look at it, you might be right.

My psychiatrist and I speculated that I might be bipolar for some years now and I thought maybe we were just misinterpreting things, but who am I trying to fool here? I've been showing signs for years and I didn't want for it to be true, but... yeah, I might actually be bipolar after all... How disappointing.

I debated with myself last night as to whether I should be truthful with my psychiatrist or not, but in the end, I think it would only work against me if I didn't. I just really don't want to have to admit defeat, especially after I started doing so well. Not only that, but I'm scared of going on Lithium or Lamictal or another traditional mood stabilizer. Those can be deadly at times or really mess up your body, so I'm hesitant... maybe I can convince her to try and put me on Abilify again, in conjunction with the zoloft that I am currently taking alone. Abilify didn't hurt me. I trust it.

Sorry, I'm thinking out loud again.

I'm a bipolar schizophrenic, and I'm on Rexulti which is the new Abilify. I only have to take one medication which is nice. I used to be depressed too and had to take zoloft also. I'm having a pretty good experience on Rexuli so I'm staying on it. I tried several different medications over the course of 3 years until I found Rexulti. I don't like the suffering when I don't take meds so I stay on it. I get anger fits where I curse also when I don't take my meds.

It's relieving to hear that you have a doctor. Well it sounds like you know how to get help so I'll just say a prayer for you. God Bless