Starting to Realize

[busymomma]

Starting to realize that maybe I'm not as in control as I thought I was....I had a melt down and couldn't chew gum today because I realized the calorie count in gum and added up how much I chew in a week. Sunday night I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a month. He was freaking out on me...asking me how much weight I've lost in the past month....he even went as far as to ask me if I have an eating disorder.....of course which I assured him I didn't.....and he assured me he doesn't believe me. But daily I'm realizing that calorie counting,and figuring out how to convince ppl I've already ate are taking up more n more of my time.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

Do you have any resources around you, such as a support group or counselor who you can talk with about this? It sounds like you are in dangerous territory with your thinking. Support would be a great help I think.

 

[busymomma]

I do have a counselor just not sure if I want to talk to her about it yet....my heart and brain are in a tug of war.....I know what I'm doing isn't a good thing....BUT....don't want to not reach my goal, seeing the numbers going down on the scales and in my clothes shuts that nagging voice up in my head for a little while...hope that makes sense. It's like I feel like for the first time in my life...good enough is almost within my reach.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Busymomma,

wow, i can hear me in your words, all those years ago. just a few more lbs....i'm not quite thin enough, a few more lbs then i'll feel good about myself.
at first it was nice when i got the complements.
then it was did u eat today? to...what did u eat today?
is that all u are going to eat?
to literally i had these 2 women say as i got into a pool outloud they say and i could hear them....
" wow look at her, look at all her bones, she looks horrible"
as i sunk past them i thought to myself how dare they judge me? they could stand to lose a few lbs ya know!!!!LOL
looking back now of course, they were horrified by what they saw, me, idid not see that.
and if i am going to be honest, looking back with my eyes, i probably still do not se it as they do, think i was as thin as they thought i was.....

BUT thats what it does to YOU!
it takes away your ability to see ,think, reason clearly..those just a few more lbs become, out of control.... and it takes yrs to come back..and when and if you do come back after all the physical things you go though, heart attacks, low pottasium, hair loss, always freezing, short of breathe...................................... hospital stay after hospital stay......
so if you do finally recover and put some of the weight back on, which you cry over every lb that goes back on....but you know you need to. then thats when the REAL struggle begins. because now you have to get use to this new body....and you'll have to fight everydaay NOT to want to get it all off of you!

so please, take what i have shared with you and think about it, and u might say like i did those yrs ago i would never let that happen to me, or the other one...oh i would love to be anorexic for a week...... any of that sounding true?
ok so sorry back to what i was saying, went of a little there... please it has taken me so long just to get to write this....because i am finally at a weight were i can say this to you!
it is so not worth it.
i get the whole weight loss thing, that i so get, but the control thing, NO....it winds up that you lose the control and it controls you.

you need to be honest with your therapist now..not when its to late.

my kids 5 of them, growing up had to go visit me mths at a time at a ED clinic.....don't do that to your kids.....or to yourself, you deserve more, you are worth more.
God made you for a purpose, and it was not to control your food intake or to consume your every thought on the calorie count of a piece of chewing gum....
focus on Him..
thats what He wants from you, He'll take care of the rest!!!! Focus on Him, not on the calories!!!

i am here if you ever want to talk!!!
God Bless you sister!

 

[eckhart]

Starting to realize that maybe I'm not as in control as I thought I was....I had a melt down and couldn't chew gum today because I realized the calorie count in gum and added up how much I chew in a week. Sunday night I saw a friend I hadn't seen in a month. He was freaking out on me...asking me how much weight I've lost in the past month....he even went as far as to ask me if I have an eating disorder.....of course which I assured him I didn't.....and he assured me he doesn't believe me. But daily I'm realizing that calorie counting,and figuring out how to convince ppl I've already ate are taking up more n more of my time.

Sounds alot different to your first post on this, it made me so sad to read you had a melt down only advice is talk to your doctor whenever you have your next appointment?

Busymomma,

wow, i can hear me in your words, all those years ago. just a few more lbs....i'm not quite thin enough, a few more lbs then i'll feel good about myself.
at first it was nice when i got the complements.
then it was did u eat today? to...what did u eat today?
is that all u are going to eat?
to literally i had these 2 women say as i got into a pool outloud they say and i could hear them....
" wow look at her, look at all her bones, she looks horrible"
as i sunk past them i thought to myself how dare they judge me? they could stand to lose a few lbs ya know!!!!LOL
looking back now of course, they were horrified by what they saw, me, idid not see that.
and if i am going to be honest, looking back with my eyes, i probably still do not se it as they do, think i was as thin as they thought i was.....

BUT thats what it does to YOU!
it takes away your ability to see ,think, reason clearly..those just a few more lbs become, out of control.... and it takes yrs to come back..and when and if you do come back after all the physical things you go though, heart attacks, low pottasium, hair loss, always freezing, short of breathe...................................... hospital stay after hospital stay......
so if you do finally recover and put some of the weight back on, which you cry over every lb that goes back on....but you know you need to. then thats when the REAL struggle begins. because now you have to get use to this new body....and you'll have to fight everydaay NOT to want to get it all off of you!

so please, take what i have shared with you and think about it, and u might say like i did those yrs ago i would never let that happen to me, or the other one...oh i would love to be anorexic for a week...... any of that sounding true?
ok so sorry back to what i was saying, went of a little there... please it has taken me so long just to get to write this....because i am finally at a weight were i can say this to you!
it is so not worth it.
i get the whole weight loss thing, that i so get, but the control thing, NO....it winds up that you lose the control and it controls you.

you need to be honest with your therapist now..not when its to late.

my kids 5 of them, growing up had to go visit me mths at a time at a ED clinic.....don't do that to your kids.....or to yourself, you deserve more, you are worth more.
God made you for a purpose, and it was not to control your food intake or to consume your every thought on the calorie count of a piece of chewing gum....
focus on Him..
thats what He wants from you, He'll take care of the rest!!!! Focus on Him, not on the calories!!!

i am here if you ever want to talk!!!
God Bless you sister!

I agree with all of this! (except i dont have kids). Calorie counting becomes an obsession! trust me I am still getting over # years of eating disorder which was like my mind and body were separate. I felt like my thoughts were just dark and evil and totally away from God. I do not want to see anyone else have to go through what I did, and still do. Always replying to this if you need help or are lonely!
Yours in Christ. Evie