Hi everybody.
School just ended and I've had a horrible year with depression and failing classes. The depression started again after I failed two in the fall because I stayed in a job that got in the way of studying. I never got over that loss and have been on a constant downward spiral ever since.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety when I was 8 years old and from age 8 until 17 I was treated for anxiety and depression. I have been on Paxil, Zoloft and Citalopram but none of those medications did anything to help. If anything they made life worse. Paxil made me gain weight as did Zoloft, but Zoloft caused me to be so out of it that I almost failed fifth and sixth grades because I couldn't remember to turn in homework or stay organized.
I went off all medication when I was 12 because of the side effects and it seemed that my anxiety issues went away for awhile. At 15 it came back out of nowhere and I was put on Citalopram. After two weeks I had to be taken off of it because it made me extremely aggressive to where I had angry, almost violent outburst. I went back on Zoloft for about a year after that but stopped taking it when I was 16 or 17 and have been unmedicated since.
I have always been an emotional person and have had a lot of outbursts, but it got really bad when I was about 19 years old and very shortly after I was saved. I was in a legalistic church that was very heavy into spiritual warfare and was constantly anxious, fearful and even paranoid. I thought God hated me and thought about suicide more than once. Even before that I've always been a ruthless perfectionist and am "all or nothing", "have no self control" and "have no middle ground". Very intense emotions and cry, get angry and assume worst case scenario/everyone hates me/failure immediately.
After two years of being away from school and in that church I left, got baptized in another church and went back to school. Life was absolutely PERFECT and God gave me everything I could have wanted. But I still thought that as a believer any kind of loan was a sin, so I kept working my old job and was very convinced that God would allow something bad to happen to me if I left. Instead the opposite was true. I ended up failing two classes while getting bad grades in others, backsliding, coming back to Him and then backsliding again in April when I suddenly got so depressed and angry over everything that I could barely get out of bed or stop crying. I quit going to classes for awhile then worked my tail off to raise my grades only to get sick from stress (upper respiratory infection that left me bedridden for four days and unable to contact my teachers about exams until I was well enough to be mobile) and miss finals for two of my classes and end up with C's and D's when I could have had an A- or a B/B+ in both.
I made the first appointment for a new counselor and hopefully a new doctor for tomorrow and am desperate for change. I'm so angry and full of hate toward myself and wish I were brave enough to take my own life. Maybe then someone would care and not see me as a failure. That's my story and I don't know what else to do.
School just ended and I've had a horrible year with depression and failing classes. The depression started again after I failed two in the fall because I stayed in a job that got in the way of studying. I never got over that loss and have been on a constant downward spiral ever since.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety when I was 8 years old and from age 8 until 17 I was treated for anxiety and depression. I have been on Paxil, Zoloft and Citalopram but none of those medications did anything to help. If anything they made life worse. Paxil made me gain weight as did Zoloft, but Zoloft caused me to be so out of it that I almost failed fifth and sixth grades because I couldn't remember to turn in homework or stay organized.
I went off all medication when I was 12 because of the side effects and it seemed that my anxiety issues went away for awhile. At 15 it came back out of nowhere and I was put on Citalopram. After two weeks I had to be taken off of it because it made me extremely aggressive to where I had angry, almost violent outburst. I went back on Zoloft for about a year after that but stopped taking it when I was 16 or 17 and have been unmedicated since.
I have always been an emotional person and have had a lot of outbursts, but it got really bad when I was about 19 years old and very shortly after I was saved. I was in a legalistic church that was very heavy into spiritual warfare and was constantly anxious, fearful and even paranoid. I thought God hated me and thought about suicide more than once. Even before that I've always been a ruthless perfectionist and am "all or nothing", "have no self control" and "have no middle ground". Very intense emotions and cry, get angry and assume worst case scenario/everyone hates me/failure immediately.
After two years of being away from school and in that church I left, got baptized in another church and went back to school. Life was absolutely PERFECT and God gave me everything I could have wanted. But I still thought that as a believer any kind of loan was a sin, so I kept working my old job and was very convinced that God would allow something bad to happen to me if I left. Instead the opposite was true. I ended up failing two classes while getting bad grades in others, backsliding, coming back to Him and then backsliding again in April when I suddenly got so depressed and angry over everything that I could barely get out of bed or stop crying. I quit going to classes for awhile then worked my tail off to raise my grades only to get sick from stress (upper respiratory infection that left me bedridden for four days and unable to contact my teachers about exams until I was well enough to be mobile) and miss finals for two of my classes and end up with C's and D's when I could have had an A- or a B/B+ in both.
I made the first appointment for a new counselor and hopefully a new doctor for tomorrow and am desperate for change. I'm so angry and full of hate toward myself and wish I were brave enough to take my own life. Maybe then someone would care and not see me as a failure. That's my story and I don't know what else to do.
