Starting Somewhere

[PastorGadget]

My wife took her own life this past weekend. I am the one who found her, and although I and a host of policemen and paramedics tried to bring her back, she never came back. I know that there are those who might say that she has committed come unpardonable sin, but I don't believe that. I know that she had suffered from her own demons (real or imagined) that despite all our efforts drove her self-esteem to hell and back. I know, too, that she had a history of depression, but I had thought we were making progress.

One thing is sure: She loved the Lord our God with all her heart. She really made a concerted effort these past few weeks to understand His Word, to read and to learn for truly the first time in her life. She had experienced so much bad stuff in her life before we met, and she was trying to make sense of her trials and her depression. I know now that she sits next to our Savior, getting all her questions answered. (And with all her questions, it's a good thing we have a God of infinite patience!) She was such a giving woman, inspired by God to provide services for women and children, to help disadvantaged youth, to "dance upon injustice" at every opportunity. She inspired others to do the same -- even this old dog, who went from a life of private sin to public joy in the Lord.

I am not sure if I am on the right forum here, but I am struggling to make sense of all this, and looking for guidance about which way to go. I am relying on God and family and friends for strength and sanity right now. But I know that the image of her death will haunt me for the rest of my life. Even now I am just a room away from the bed where she died, and I can barely stand to look that direction.

I am so mad at her! I want her back! We had plans and love and hopes! Now what?

Pastor Gadget (her nickname for me)

 

[kaykay637]

I am so, sooo sorry to hear of your loss. Especially in such a tragic way. My heart and prayers go out to you. I would also recommend the book by Zig Ziglar Confessions of a Grieving Christian and When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson. I realize that not everyone is a reader, but if you are, these are good ones. I read a lot of books about grief after our son died 6 years ago. These 2 were stand-outs IMO.
Blessings to you and your family-
kaykay

 

[PastorGadget]

I am so, sooo sorry to hear of your loss. Especially in such a tragic way. My heart and prayers go out to you. I would also recommend the book by Zig Ziglar Confessions of a Grieving Christian and When God Doesn't Make Sense by James Dobson. I realize that not everyone is a reader, but if you are, these are good ones. I read a lot of books about grief after our son died 6 years ago. These 2 were stand-outs IMO.
Blessings to you and your family-
kaykay

Thanks, kaykay. I am indeed a reader (and a talker!), so I appreciate the resources.

I will no doubt have other issues down the road, but right now my biggest problem is just facing the place where she died, trying to get that picture of her face at that moment out of my head. Yes, I remember plenty of smiles and snuggles and laughter and even tears as we prayed for guidance and strength together. And I am sure the blame game will start very soon. I just wanted to start this thread to vent and to seek just the sort of help you've offered, kaykay.

Thanks again, sister.

Pastor Gadget

 

[Everlasting33]

My wife took her own life this past weekend. I am the one who found her, and although I and a host of policemen and paramedics tried to bring her back, she never came back. I know that there are those who might say that she has committed come unpardonable sin, but I don't believe that. I know that she had suffered from her own demons (real or imagined) that despite all our efforts drove her self-esteem to hell and back. I know, too, that she had a history of depression, but I had thought we were making progress.

One thing is sure: She loved the Lord our God with all her heart. She really made a concerted effort these past few weeks to understand His Word, to read and to learn for truly the first time in her life. She had experienced so much bad stuff in her life before we met, and she was trying to make sense of her trials and her depression. I know now that she sits next to our Savior, getting all her questions answered. (And with all her questions, it's a good thing we have a God of infinite patience!) She was such a giving woman, inspired by God to provide services for women and children, to help disadvantaged youth, to "dance upon injustice" at every opportunity. She inspired others to do the same -- even this old dog, who went from a life of private sin to public joy in the Lord.

I am not sure if I am on the right forum here, but I am struggling to make sense of all this, and looking for guidance about which way to go. I am relying on God and family and friends for strength and sanity right now. But I know that the image of her death will haunt me for the rest of my life. Even now I am just a room away from the bed where she died, and I can barely stand to look that direction.

I am so mad at her! I want her back! We had plans and love and hopes! Now what?

Pastor Gadget (her nickname for me)

My heart and prayers truly go out to you and your family. I understand that nothing that I can say will take away the pain that you feel, but I just wanted to let you know that I care that you and all the pain that you feel. It is very normal to feel very angry and sad at the same time. She was your world and I can't imagine how much you miss her. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

On a more personal note, I have struggled with self-esteem/depression for most of my short life. I can empathize with some of the feelings your wife may have felt. Sometimes, life can be a very BIG struggle and it can certainly exhaust any individual to battle inner demons. It sounds like your wife was a fighter and a kind soul who cared about those around her.

You will experience many emotions ranging from anger, loneliness, sorrow, grief, confusion and so forth. Allow yourself to grieve and give your feelings permission to come forward.

As someone who has tried to take her own life, I can honestly say I understand the pain your wife felt. As a survivor, I am pushing forward to create new life within me.

I know you are going through a very hard time right now. I simply cannot fathom how much pain you are feeling right now and rightly so. I can simply offer you my genuine empathy, concern, and Godly love for you in this difficult time of loss.

[SIZE=-1]


"Not only should we be unashamed of grief, confident[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] that its expression will not permanently hurt us, but[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] we should also possess the wisdom to talk about our[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] loss and through that creative conversation with[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] friends and companions begin to reconstruct the broken[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] fragments of our lives . . . We should not resist the[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] sympathy and stimulation of social interaction. We[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] should learn not to grow impatient with the slow[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] healing process of time . . . We should anticipate[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] giving way under the healing sunlight of love,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] friendship, social challenge, to the new weaving of a[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistable[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] challenge of life."[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] -- Rabbi Joshua L. Liebman[/SIZE]
​

[SIZE=-1] [/SIZE]

 

[kaykay637]

Thanks, kaykay. I am indeed a reader (and a talker!), so I appreciate the resources.

I will no doubt have other issues down the road, but right now my biggest problem is just facing the place where she died, trying to get that picture of her face at that moment out of my head. Yes, I remember plenty of smiles and snuggles and laughter and even tears as we prayed for guidance and strength together. And I am sure the blame game will start very soon. I just wanted to start this thread to vent and to seek just the sort of help you've offered, kaykay.

Thanks again, sister.

Pastor Gadget

Yes, I see what you mean about the memory. Probably only the Lord's grace and time will heal that.

Regarding the "blame game," it's probably a bit futile for me to tell you this...but I'm gonna say it anyway. Please don't go there anymore than you can help it anyway. With the blame game, there are no winners.

I can tell you this that in those circumstances I can see why that might readily come up, but it also happens to some extent when anyone we're close to dies no matter what the circumstance. We can usually always convince ourselves that "we could've done more for the person while they were alive." (There's actually very few situations in life where we couldn't convince ourselves that this is true, ya know?) Or we could've made a different decision. What if this? What if that? I call them "the evil twins"--guilt and regret. Even though I was a loving mother, when my son died they (the evil twins) wasted no time in beating a path to my door.

We in general have to realize that at the time, we usually made the best decisions we were capable of making with the knowledge we had. And whether we did or even if we didn't, we kinda have to forgive ourselves and move past any regrets and self-accusation. Easier said than done, I know.

Sounds like you are taking it one day at a time and that' good. Prayers and blessings-
kaykay

 

[PastorGadget]

We can usually always convince ourselves that "we could've done more for the person while they were alive." (There's actually very few situations in life where we couldn't convince ourselves that this is true, ya know?) Or we could've made a different decision. What if this? What if that? I call them "the evil twins"--guilt and regret. Even though I was a loving mother, when my son died they (the evil twins) wasted no time in beating a path to my door.

"Evil Twins": I like that. I'll have to save that for a testimony someday. Right now, I'm just numb, but I have no doubt I'll see the evil twins in the future.

Thanks again, kaykay.

Steelerbred33, thanks for the encouraging words. My wife had attempted once before to end her life, long long before we met, before she had a family and a child. She always felt like an angel had saved her that time, telling her that it was not yet her time, that she had much yet to do. Since then, my wife has done so much for others, using her time in a way that would make any angel proud. She once was a survivor. Now it's my turn.

Thanks, too, for the quote from Rabbi Liebman.

Pastor Gadget

 

[FaithfulWife]

Pastor Gadget,

I'm so grateful that kaykay is here to talk to you in this time of needing to talk. May I ask you a somewhat mildly personal question? Would it be helpful to you if you could talk to us about her? Would you like to tell us how you met and what it was that first made you love her?

Sadly we will never had the blessing of meeting her ourselves, but maybe it be good for you to be free to speak about her and free to speak exactly what's on your mind--even if you're mad at her. I would be!

Regarding her room, I have one thought--time will begin to heal that at some point but just not right now. For now let's focus on just functioning today, and some day in the future maybe you can reclaim that space. So how are you today?


~FaithfulWife

 

[PastorGadget]

Would you like to tell us how you met and what it was that first made you love her?

Sadly we will never had the blessing of meeting her ourselves, but maybe it be good for you to be free to speak about her and free to speak exactly what's on your mind--even if you're mad at her. I would be!

Regarding her room, I have one thought--time will begin to heal that at some point but just not right now. For now let's focus on just functioning today, and some day in the future maybe you can reclaim that space. So how are you today?

~FaithfulWife

My brother-in-law arrived today with his family,and we made the rounds to pick the casket and the flowers. We go out tomorrow to pick the grave sites. (Mine, too! For a much later date!) It's been an okay day, but this evening I got into a discussion with a friend from church over my wife's many social concerns and her place of work -- and that got me fired up and angry at the people who denigrated her and all but asked her to leave. Of course, actually coming out and asking her to leave might have been discrimination, and we wouldn't want that now, would we? OH! I was SO mad at those people. Unappreciative slobs!

My lovely daughter from my first marriage is also angry at her step-mother for choosing to leave like this. My daughter is more angry than I. I suppose I understand more of the pain my wife was experiencing and the deep depressions she would get into -- almost like bipolar disorder, but not diagnosed that way. When I see my daughter this weekend, I will take some time to sit down and listen to her and answer her questions honestly. That will help us both.

My wife and I met through an Internet dating service! I had been through a sad divorce, but when I had resigned myself to moving on I signed up for a free trial on a dating service. In my profile I had posted that I was seeking a church-going Christian woman. My wife had also signed on for a free trial at the same time. We wrote a few emails back and forth, and then one night after experiencing a great sense of release from my old marriage, she sent me her phone number. I waited a few seconds and then called her. We killed the batteries on our cell phones that night, and again the next. By the time we met face-to-face, we were pretty connected.

We spent that summer getting to know each other better, talking about the gospel, watching sci-fi movies, and then we ended the summer with a trip to Quebec. We had such a fun time, with no hassles, no phone calls, no pesky work issues. By the time we came back, we were in love. (Okay, so it wasn't quite Paris, but at least they spoke French, the language of love.)

We were baptised together a couple months later, married at the courthouse the following spring, and then married at our church just five weeks ago. And now she is gone. I thought I had a pretty good read on her emotions, and I often defused her frustration and despair. She had a history of depression long before she met me, but I was more than willing to help her deal with that. She often said that having me around was nearly as good as taking her meds -- but she never forgot to take her meds, no matter how good she might have felt.

The day she died, I watched her like a hawk, because I could feel something was very wrong. But between "bed checks" she managed to kill herself, and although I tried to revive her, she had apparently done enough damage that she could come back. The autopsy isn't back yet, but I suspect they'll find an overdose of depressants did her in, rather than just the cord around her neck.

Last night, after cleaning up from that day, I slept in the bed where I had found her. I picked up the toys and tracts she had strewn around the room, put away the bills and computer printouts, changed the sheets and the rugs, cleaned the floor, put away her remaining pill bottles. I kept hoping that there was some final message hidden in all the mess she'd left behind, but there was nothing.

That was a lot more than I was planning to write, and it has brought up some questions and memories. I'll have to be patient and not drive myself nuts with second-guessing the medical examiner, and so I need to wait for the results to come back. In the meantime, I have a funeral to finish planning, and family who needs me to grieve alongside them. I suppose that's the easiest of my jobs this week.

Pastor Gadget

 

[kaykay637]

Again it sounds like you are focused right now on taking it one day at a time and that's good. That's what you need to do right now. Prayers to you and yours-

 

[Caeroth]

...

 

[PastorGadget]

I think if I felt any more numb right now, I'd probably wonder if I was the one in the casket. I haven't been drinking, nor have I done any drugs. I am just so worn out and emotionally drained that I can hardly feel. When a long-lost friend called me this evening, I found I could tell the story of my wife's death with an amazing lack of emotion. Burying my wife today was the most surreal thing I have ever experienced.

The memorial service this past weekend was wonderful. Hosted by the church, we gathered more than twice what we normally seat on a Sunday service. During my own time giving testimony about my wife, I made that point, saying, "It is in some ways sad that it takes the death of a wonderful woman to bring this many people together to celebrate her life, and yet I suppose it is also encouraging to know that she touched so many so deeply." The music was great, the singing was great, the message was great, and the lady we all said goodbye to was greater than all of that. She lived the Christian life in a way that embodied what James said of religion:

Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. -- James 1:27
​

That was my wife. Despite all the recognition she deserved and never got from her peers, despite the lack of appreciation from most of her students, despite the lack of monetary reward from her community work, she never gave up on trying to help and teach and reach others. But the stress and strain of all that and more outweighed the joy and love of God and her family. Her pain was too much to bear and perhaps in her mind, too much to share.

Then today was so bloody cold that as I cried at her funeral, the tears froze on my glasses! At least she will love the flowers and the sentiments.

And now I can hardly focus on the thoughts I am trying to write. Family has all left town again. Thanks to the ladies at church, the refrigerator and freezer are stocked for six more months of winter, not just six weeks. I haver a million things to do over the next few days, and work awaits again at some point soon. All the late bills will be late again, but at least now we have an excuse beyond simple poverty. For now, I just have to keep my eyes focused beyond Valentine's Day, lest I stumble over the memories of what we had planned.

Pastor Gadget

 

[FaithfulWife]

I have no doubt whatsoever that you are completely numb and primarily operating on "automatic" right now. Right this moment there were things to get done and you HAD to do them.

There is a Jewish custom that I very much like that's called "sitting shiva." When a Jewish person dies, they are buried just as immediately as is possible for all the mourners to get there. The mourners actually participate in the burial in order to assist in recognizing the finality of it. But then, for the rest of the week, all the mirrors in the house are covered and all the members of the community come and sit with the mourning person. The reason the mirrors are covered is that you're crying and in mourning--and nothing personal but it's not pretty and you don't need to be worrying about "how you look" right now. It's like forcing you to not worry about how you look to others, but it's symbolic of course. The reason the community comes and sits with the mourner (among other reasons) is that it hits you in weird ways at odd times--and when it hits you don't want to be alone. Even if the people sitting with you are not particularly close, intimate friends, it helps to look and see that you've got a bunch of folks around "if you need them." Your close friends will be there to be emotionally supportive--but "you're not alone."

Cool traditions, hey? Here at CF we are limited to this thread and being with you over the internet, but we are here. Ministering angels are praying for you and watching over you. And all of us here on this Grief Support Forum are sitting with you.

What was her favorite song?


~Faithful

 

[Caeroth]

I just recently lost my wife, and I understand that numbness all too well.

 

[kaykay637]

I just recently lost my wife, and I understand that numbness all too well.

Pastor Gadget, sounds like her service was beautiful!

Caeroth, just condolences and a prayer for you and your family. How recent was your wife's passing if you don't mind me asking?

 

[PastorGadget]

I feel like I've been sitting shiva all this past week, with so many visitors and relatives around. After everyone left yesterday, I finally felt like I'd have some time to calm down, but the demands of being a single dad hit home. I write here late at night just so I can relax and blow off some steam.

My wife's recent favorite songs were "Amazing Love" by Chris Tomlin and "In Christ Alone" by Stuart Townend and Keith Getty. One of her all-time favorites was "Victory Chant". She really love the energy and the clapping and the stomping -- and the fact that, being prone to singing off-key, she could sing at the top of her lungs and no one would know or care. We also both loved anything by the late Nat King Cole.

Pastor Gadget

 

[kaykay637]

I feel like I've been sitting shiva all this past week, with so many visitors and relatives around. After everyone left yesterday, I finally felt like I'd have some time to calm down, but the demands of being a single dad hit home. I write here late at night just so I can relax and blow off some steam.

My wife's recent favorite songs were "Amazing Love" by Chris Tomlin and "In Christ Alone" by Stuart Townend and Keith Getty. One of her all-time favorites was "Victory Chant". She really love the energy and the clapping and the stomping -- and the fact that, being prone to singing off-key, she could sing at the top of her lungs and no one would know or care. We also both loved anything by the late Nat King Cole.

Pastor Gadget

And maybe you listened to Nat King
Cole's "Unforgettable" together? I liked the Victory Chant too. I was just thinking about that song the other day and about my late son singing it with some of his friends.

You may have said this before, but how old are your kids?

Prayers going up for you. Like Faithfulwife said above, we are here to listen if you want to talk.

 

[PastorGadget]

And maybe you listened to Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable" together?

You may have said this before, but how old are your kids?

Yes, we used to sing along with the Natalie/Nat King Cole duets from her album Unforgettable. I used to sing my kids to sleep with Nat's songs. They are in a good vocal range for me to sing softly.

My wife's son is 7, and my kids from a previous marriage are 10 (son) and 12 (daughter). My daughter had grown very close to my wife, despite only seeing her every other weekend for two years. My wife loved having a nearly-teen girl around to groom into a young woman. At the memorial service, my ex-wife even commented that if anything happened to her, she would have loved to have had my new wife raise her kids. Pretty good praise from an ex!

Today was my first day back at work. It was a little weird, and I had a few moments when I almost lost it. But I stayed focused on my job, and then took a moment here and there to remember my wife fondly while doing paperwork and listening to a WOW CD.

Pastor Gadget

 

[kaykay637]

Yes, we used to sing along with the Natalie/Nat King Cole duets from her album Unforgettable. I used to sing my kids to sleep with Nat's songs. They are in a good vocal range for me to sing softly.

My wife's son is 7, and my kids from a previous marriage are 10 (son) and 12 (daughter). My daughter had grown very close to my wife, despite only seeing her every other weekend for two years. My wife loved having a nearly-teen girl around to groom into a young woman. At the memorial service, my ex-wife even commented that if anything happened to her, she would have loved to have had my new wife raise her kids. Pretty good praise from an ex!

Today was my first day back at work. It was a little weird, and I had a few moments when I almost lost it. But I stayed focused on my job, and then took a moment here and there to remember my wife fondly while doing paperwork and listening to a WOW CD.

Pastor Gadget

You're right. That is pretty high praise coming from an "ex." Sounds like your wife was a truly wonderful lady.

Returning to work can be difficult. My husband and I both went back to work after a week when our son died and in retrospect, we both felt it was too soon. Maybe for some people, the distraction helps, I don't know.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Thinking of you today--how are you? Just thought I'd let you know that you're not alone.

 

[PastorGadget]

I suppose I picked the right time to be going through a "numb" phase, because today (Valentine's Day) wasn't too bad. About 3PM I felt like leaving work early to just crawl into bed and sleep, but then I got my second wind and even stayed a few minutes late. On the way home I got this idea to drop some flowers off at my wife's grave, but after I got one long-stem rose, I suddenly got this idea to give it to my wife's mother instead. Grandma helps me take care of my wife's son, and she has been doing amazingly well with the support from our church friends and her own family. I felt like she deserved something nice for Valentine's Day. Turns out that she had never been given a long-stem rose in all her life. To get one on such a day was a blessing, she said. I am pretty sure the Holy Spirit put that idea in my head. A few flowers for the mortal living is a better idea than flowers for an empty "tent." Thanks, God, for reminding me of that.

The one hassle I am having to face now is the gossip machine. One friend I had confided in spread the news of my wife's suicide like wildfire, and then when I got back to work I keep getting all these strange questions and people from church are asking me "Why?" That made me wonder how the heck they could have known anything when I only told a couple trusted friends. Well, it started with one friend, then went to another and another, and then it spread through at least four separate networks of people that I know of. All from one person with loose lips. Astounding. And people wonder why I rarely form close friendships. The one guy I am still very close to after almost 20 years, he's the only one -- besides my pastor, that is -- who hasn't said a word to anyone. My pastor has kept things quiet, too, but he warned me that church members are asking him questions.

My main concern if for my wife's son, who is so young and does not need to be carrying such a burden in his life right now. He loves his mom, and all he really needs to know right now is that she suddenly and unexpectedly died. That's enough. It had nothing to do with him beyond separating him from his mother, and all the resulting effects from that. Suicide need not be in the equation at all, until he has grown up some and has enough self-confidence to face his mother's death in a fuller fashion. But with gossip spreading across town like wildfire, it will be hard to contain. I just pray that parents will have sense enough not to talk about this with their kids, some of whom might be classmates of my wife's son.

I pray that you all have had a pleasant Valentine's Day. I did spend some time reflecting on God's love for us today, and that helped keep me from missing my wife so much.

Pastor Gadget