Standing with the Opressed

[RisenInJesus]

Over the last year or so the Lord has opened my eyes to the sin of domestic and other abuse which, sadly, so often is hidden in the church and behind a facade of Christianity. While men can be victims of abuse, statistics indicate that one in four women (and often their children) in the church suffer from some form of abuse by their "Christian" husbands. I saw this up close and personally with a friend and the ordeal she endured. It is so discouraging to see Christians not only blind to the suffering of the oppressed, but too often siding with the abuser against the one who is being harmed. Have others seen this occur in their church fellowships or experienced it themselves when they went to their church for help?

I am not Reformed and have my disagreements with Reformed theology, especially Calvinistic doctrine, but when I see true believers putting God's words into practice by supporting those who are oppressed, speaking the truth, and taking a stand against evil and hypocrisy then I am very appreciative and grateful for those willing to do so, whatever their denomination. A Cry for Justice ministry is a great resource for those in need of support and/or insight into this area which I think the church in general has fallen short in dealing with in a biblical way.

"Standing with the victim means standing with the weak and oppressed, and such a stand is always costly to all who resolve to make it. Effecting justice for the victim may divide the pastor’s congregation as the abuser uses his facade of eminent saintliness to deceive and lead members astray as allies for him. A pastor could conceivably lose his job. The abuser will hate all who expose him and often will level threats against leaders who stand for the victim. Doing justice is costly. And yet we must do it if we are going to obey our Lord.


This brings us to a central question: What shall the pastor do now with the abuser? Many churches and pastors do, essentially, nothing. They take some superficial, ineffective measures and then hope that the whole mess will just go away. And that always translates into siding with the abuser, hoping that the victim will go away. Remember, passivity in these cases is not passive. Rather, it is an active siding with the abuser against the victim. It is, in the end, cowardice. So, what to do?"
Avoid being deceived by the abuser, put him out of the flock (advice for pastors Part 3, by Ps Jeff Crippen)

Below is an excellent audio series by Pastor Jeff Crippen on the sinful nature of abuse:
Christ Reformation Church

 

[AlexDTX]

Unfortunately there are many doctrines that encourage abuse, even though that is not the doctrinal intent. There are also many church leaders who abuse their positions which encourages husbands to abuse their position. I speak specifically of the misunderstood doctrine of the man being the head of the family.

A natural mind understanding is that the man is in charge. That is not true. The spiritual understanding of a man's headship is that he should be a source of the life Christ flowing into the family like the head waters of the river is the source for the river's flow.

I am sorry to hear about your friend's abuse.

 

[RisenInJesus]

Unfortunately there are many doctrines that encourage abuse, even though that is not the doctrinal intent. There are also many church leaders who abuse their positions which encourages husbands to abuse their position. I speak specifically of the misunderstood doctrine of the man being the head of the family.

A natural mind understanding is that the man is in charge. That is not true. The spiritual understanding of a man's headship is that he should be a source of the life Christ flowing into the family like the head waters of the river is the source for the river's flow.

I am sorry to hear about your friend's abuse.

Thank you for the response. I agree with your perspective and everything you have said. It is sad that the church which is supposed to walk in the love and truth of Christ so often becomes a place that encourages or hides sin of this kind.

My friend may never walk again due to the damage done to her and the children have been greatly affected.

 

[SkyWriting]

Over the last year or so the Lord has opened my eyes to the sin of domestic and other abuse which, sadly, so often is hidden in the church and behind a facade of Christianity.

Many leaders have sought to build up their position and stature
by stressing hierarchy in all things. Yes, preachers are sinners.

This has become my mission to change the focus of believers to
the much better documented and least taught core of Christianity
by planting the seeds of God's words into hearts, to grow.

Galatians 5:14 The entire Law is fulfilled in a single decree: "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Romans 13:8 Be indebted to no one, except to one another in love, for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the Law.

Matthew 19:19 Honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.'

Luke 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

 

[Monk Brendan]

Over the last year or so the Lord has opened my eyes to the sin of domestic and other abuse which, sadly, so often is hidden in the church and behind a facade of Christianity. While men can be victims of abuse, statistics indicate that one in four women (and often their children) in the church suffer from some form of abuse by their "Christian" husbands.

Why do women want to beat up men so much in or out of the Church?

I'm tired of this double standard. It is okay for a woman to divorce, then sue for alimony, child support, want sole custody of the children, and so on. If a man hits his wife, it's domestic abuse. But what about the woman that throws a frying pan at her husband? Or a knife? (They are under reported, but they still exist.)

But where is the woman who has to pay alimony to her ex? How many men sue for child support? How many men are awarded sole custody of the children?

Don't get me wrong. I find it is absolutely repugnant for a man to hit a woman, or visa versa. ANY domestic violence is WRONG! But to always blame the guy is a stereotype that should not be passed on.

And DV isn't always about physical violence. What about the woman that is such a shrew that the husband is forced to work harder, longer hours, make more money, and when he comes home (every other Thursday between 3-6 AM,) she has a headache. Or the type that keeps beating up on HIM, and the culture is such that he can't do a durn thing about it.--which happens frequently.

I am not a champion of men's rights to the point he can hunt a woman, club her over the head and drag her home. Or even that he can beat on his wife, AT ALL! But I am saying that sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.

 

[RisenInJesus]

Why do women want to beat up men so much in or out of the Church?

I'm tired of this double standard. It is okay for a woman to divorce, then sue for alimony, child support, want sole custody of the children, and so on. If a man hits his wife, it's domestic abuse. But what about the woman that throws a frying pan at her husband? Or a knife? (They are under reported, but they still exist.)

But where is the woman who has to pay alimony to her ex? How many men sue for child support? How many men are awarded sole custody of the children?

Don't get me wrong. I find it is absolutely repugnant for a man to hit a woman, or visa versa. ANY domestic violence is WRONG! But to always blame the guy is a stereotype that should not be passed on.

And DV isn't always about physical violence. What about the woman that is such a shrew that the husband is forced to work harder, longer hours, make more money, and when he comes home (every other Thursday between 3-6 AM,) she has a headache. Or the type that keeps beating up on HIM, and the culture is such that he can't do a durn thing about it.--which happens frequently.

I am not a champion of men's rights to the point he can hunt a woman, club her over the head and drag her home. Or even that he can beat on his wife, AT ALL! But I am saying that sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.

I can't answer all your questions and I do think the system is often unjust, but I have no desire to "beat up men" and I am in complete agreement that abusive behavior is wrong and unbiblical whether it is practiced against women or men. I'm certainly not promoting a double standard. If a woman is abusive, violent or manipulative toward a man I believe it is just as evil and unChristlike. The reality is, though, that statistically more women are abused by men and too often the church encourages it with false teachings and/or does not deal with this sin in a godly way.

 

[longwait]

There is a trend here on CF when someone posts about being abused verbally or in any other form people tend to make the torturer more of the victim. The poor victim gets criticised for not being forgiving enough. Don't they know that the victim will suffer the consequences of the abuse for life in the form of inner wounds and scars?

 

[RisenInJesus]

There is a trend here on CF when someone posts about being abused verbally or in any other form people tend to make the torturer more of the victim. The poor victim gets criticised for not being forgiving enough. Don't they know that the victim will suffer the consequences of the abuse for life in the form of inner wounds and scars?

Well, if that is the trend here then it is just a reflection of the greater trend within the church as a whole, which is a very sad commentary on the community which is supposed to represent Christ. Your assessment of the situation is so accurate and too often the case. Christians are so easily duped into believing the lies of the abuser who comes across as the most "godly saint" and plays the "victim" while laying blame and guilt on the one who is actually being harmed.

How to Spot an Abuser Who Claims to be the Victim

 

[thecolorsblend]

While men can be victims of abuse, statistics indicate that one in four women (and often their children) in the church suffer from some form of abuse by their "Christian" husbands.

I don't really care if this offends anybody.

I don't buy this.

Either the word "abuse" has a pretty broad definition or else these women are lying. I could believe one as easily as the other.

1 in 4? I'd have a hard enough time believing 1 in 10 without some actual evidence.

 

[RisenInJesus]

I don't really care if this offends anybody.

I don't buy this.

Either the word "abuse" has a pretty broad definition or else these women are lying. I could believe one as easily as the other.

1 in 4? I'd have a hard enough time believing 1 in 10 without some actual evidence.

It is not surprising that you don't buy or believe it. I was very surprised myself when I began researching this subject. But the statistics don't lie. One big problem is that many times those who are being abused try to tell someone or get help and they are not believed. Most women who live with this are embarrassed and hesitate to talk about it.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Statistics
https://www.safehorizon.org/get-informed/domestic-violence-statistics-facts/#statistics-and-facts/

 

[thecolorsblend]

Statistics don't lie?? With respect, it's like anything. Statistics will say whatever you want if they're tortured long enough.

 

[RisenInJesus]

Statistics don't lie?? With respect, it's like anything. Statistics will say whatever you want if they're tortured long enough.

It is certainly up to you whether or not to believe the statistics are valid or not. Personally, I think even if it is only 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 abused....that is still too many and an awareness of abuse is needed whatever the numbers especially in churches where Christ is supposed to be represented.

"Domestic violence or intimate partner violence are more prevalent than most people realize. There are many factors contributing to this reality, some of which are related to the embarrassment victims feel, fear of retribution or additional abuser violence resulting from disclosure, lack of resources and societal beliefs. Becoming familiar with the alarming statistics is an important part of changing the conversation, standards and prevalence of domestic and intimate partner violence.

More than 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and more than 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the U.S. having experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Source: National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, 2010 Summary Report. National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Division of Violence Prevention, Atlanta, GA, and Control of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. Source:Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States. 2003. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Centers for Injury Prevention and Control, Atlanta, GA."
Domestic Abuse Topline Facts and Statistics

 

[Phil 1:21]

I don't really care if this offends anybody.

I don't buy this.

Either the word "abuse" has a pretty broad definition or else these women are lying. I could believe one as easily as the other.

1 in 4? I'd have a hard enough time believing 1 in 10 without some actual evidence.

I'm going to climb the gallows next to you and agree. While I find true DV abhorrent, victims are not better served by expanding the scope of the offense to absurd lengths like "name calling" (listed on link in post #12). Doing so only caters to people seeking recognition for victimhood status while completely demeaning actual victims.

If my wife calls me an idiot (which she hasn't, BTW) I am now a victim of "intimate partner violence" for the purposes of these numbers. How exactly does that compare to a woman who gets her jaw broken by her pig of a husband for burning his dinner?

 

[RisenInJesus]

I'm going to climb the gallows next to you and agree. While I find true DV abhorrent, victims are not better served by expanding the scope of the offense to absurd lengths like "name calling" (listed on link in post #12). Doing so only caters to people seeking recognition for victimhood status while completely demeaning actual victims.

If my wife calls me an idiot (which she hasn't, BTW) I am now a victim of "intimate partner violence" for the purposes of these numbers. How exactly does that compare to a woman who gets her jaw broken by her pig of a husband for burning his dinner?

When I speak of "abuse" I am not talking about occasional insults, name-calling or sins we all do against one another. I am referring to the on-going behavior of a person who feels entitled to constantly controlling and demeaning, through various means, another person to the point where their target's personhood and identity is being destroyed. I like the definition of abuse from the CRY FOR JUSTICE website below:

What is Abuse?
The definition of abuse: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation and isolation, the abuser keeps his* target subordinated and under his control. This pattern can be emotional, verbal, psychological, spiritual, sexual, financial, social and physical. Not all these elements need be present, e.g., physical abuse may not be part of it.

The definition of domestic abuser: a family member or dating partner (current or ex) who has a profound mentality of entitlement to the possession of power and control over the one s/he* chooses to mistreat. This mentality of entitlement defines the very essence of the abuser. The abuser believes he is justified in using evil tactics to obtain and maintain that power and control.

* Sometimes the genders are reversed—see our tag for 'male survivors' (tags tab in the top menu).
Who We Are

 

[thecolorsblend]

It is certainly up to you whether or not to believe the statistics are valid or not. Personally, I think even if it is only 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 abused....that is still too many and an awareness of abuse is needed whatever the numbers especially in churches where Christ is supposed to be represented.

Yeah, what a brave stand. I'm sure tons of people out there believe abuse rates should be higher. Truly you are a reformer.

From your own source...

Lack of consensus about terminology. Researchers have been unable to agree on a
definition of intimate partner violence. In some studies, IPV includes only acts that
may cause pain or injury, while ignoring behaviors designed to control or intimidate,
such as stalking, humiliation, verbal abuse, imprisonment, and denial of access to
money, shelter, or services.

In short, nobody agrees on how to define this made up term of "intimate partner violence", which casts a lot of doubt on the numbers. Is it restricted to physical harm? Nobody knows. Is it done by the abuser with the intent to cause unnecessary harm? Nobody knows. Does this include a husband taking his wife's credit card away because she spends too much? Nobody knows.

1 in 4 is absolutely impossible for me to believe. I know people from all walks of life and from everywhere on the socio-economic ladder. If this bogus 1 in 4 number had any validity to it whatsoever, that pattern would be observable by us in our personal lives. We'd all have family members who habitually abuse (in some vague, undefined, idiotic study-friendly type of way) their spouses on a regular basis.

I. Don't. Buy it. Not for one single second and certainly not because of that asinine "study".

 

[Shempster]

There is a trend here on CF when someone posts about being abused verbally or in any other form people tend to make the torturer more of the victim. The poor victim gets criticised for not being forgiving enough. Don't they know that the victim will suffer the consequences of the abuse for life in the form of inner wounds and scars?

This is only true if the person's ego still rules them.
Victims who are forgiving of wrongs done to them incur no damages.
Love rules

 

[longwait]

This is only true if the person's ego still rules them.
Victims who are forgiving of wrongs done to them incur no damages.
Love rules

If that is the case I am one who has been verbally abused by almost everyone i know. If I am not supposed to feel hurt but only love towards the persons who attacked me in such a manner then why is it that whenever I talk to the Lord about it He always, always gives me such tender words of comfort, love and compassion? He never once condemned me for being critical of such people. Only humans are condemning when you are bruised. God loves and cares for the bruised, crushed and the broken hearted. Thats what His Word says and I am one who has experienced it personally.