Stages of falling in love

[Katty]

Shallow people run after shallow things. Mature love is based who someone is on the inside. If you love someone for their insides, then they will probably be attractive on the outside to you as well.

Is that to say that someone who wants someone who is physically attractive as well as interally attractive, is shallow and evenmoreso... can only offer immature love?

~Katty

 

[mina]

no, but if looks are all that matter to you instead of character then yes, that is imature love. I think that if you love someone for who they are, then their looks will become attractive to you even if perhaps they were not "goodlooking" to you at first. It's possible to love the inside and the outside at the same time.

 

[the_man]

Friends tend to come under less scrutiny than potential spouses.

As they should.

 

[the_man]

no, but if looks are all that matter to you instead of character then yes, that is imature love.

Can you point to me one post in this whole forum of where someone has said looks are all that matter? The other thing is that are you saying that character is all that matters? IMO, when one doesn't have a blanced view of these things, that's imature love.

I think that if you love someone for who they are, then their looks will become attractive to you even if perhaps they were not "goodlooking" to you at first.

I think a persons looks don't change. The fact is simple, you have to be attracted to them, whether now, whether you pray for it to come later. Marrying someone that you are not attracted to is as detrimental to a marriage as marrying someone with terrible character.

It's possible to love the inside and the outside at the same time.

Very possible, and I would highly discourage one from marrying if either loves were missing.

 

[mina]

Can you point to me one post in this whole forum of where someone has said looks are all that matter? The other thing is that are you saying that character is all that matters? IMO, when one doesn't have a blanced view of these things, that's imature love.

Um , I never implied that anyone did say that. I was just offering my opinion. Was I not allowed to do that???? I didn't even read all the responses so I wasn't replying to anyone in particular. I was not accusing anyone. Sorry if I was stupid in your eyes, or immature , ortired or whatever and didn't read something right. I also didn't say that character is the ONLY thing that does matter. I think character is a very important quality. I do think attraction has to be there. I really think you missed what I was trying to say and I'm sorry that I offended you or seemed to offend you. I don't know if y ou were implying that i have an imbalanced view and so therefore I'm immature but I don't know why you took my post so personally or seemed to. Oh and by the way , I agree that you shouldn't marry someone that you aren't attracted to, and I NEVER said that.

I am NOT God, I am NOT perfect, my posts are NOT infalible. Sometimes I don't word things right so that tehy are adaquately understood. But that doesn't mean i'm not smart or not mature. I feel sorry for even posteing on this thread at all. Again, I am sorry.

 

[awashinlove]

I think a persons looks don't change. The fact is simple, you have to be attracted to them, whether now, whether you pray for it to come later. Marrying someone that you are not attracted to is as detrimental to a marriage as marrying someone with terrible character.

Mm, no, love certainly doesn't have the frog prince effect. But I, myself, thoroughly believe that attraction does indeed change. Personal experience speaking. Stupid crushes.

Blessings,
awashinlove

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Shallow people run after shallow things. Mature love is based who someone is on the inside. If you love someone for their insides, then they will probably be attractive on the outside to you as well.

 

[the_man]

Um , I never implied that anyone did say that. I was just offering my opinion. Was I not allowed to do that???? I didn't even read all the responses so I wasn't replying to anyone in particular. I was not accusing anyone. Sorry if I was stupid in your eyes, or immature , ortired or whatever and didn't read something right. I also didn't say that character is the ONLY thing that does matter. I think character is a very important quality. I do think attraction has to be there. I really think you missed what I was trying to say and I'm sorry that I offended you or seemed to offend you. I don't know if y ou were implying that i have an imbalanced view and so therefore I'm immature but I don't know why you took my post so personally or seemed to. Oh and by the way , I agree that you shouldn't marry someone that you aren't attracted to, and I NEVER said that.

Whoa! You didn't offend me at all. I just thought that you were addressing an issue that wasn't really being raised (that looks are everything). So I was asking if you had an example of anyone saying that.

No, I wasn't implying that you are immature. I was saying that if looks is everything OR if character is everything that is not balanced and therefore imature. Either extreme is an example of immature love.

I am NOT God, I am NOT perfect, my posts are NOT infalible. Sometimes I don't word things right so that tehy are adaquately understood. But that doesn't mean i'm not smart or not mature. I feel sorry for even posteing on this thread at all. Again, I am sorry.

Actually, Mina, I have a lot of respect for you and wouldn't challenge you to clarify your meaning if I didn't. I'm sorry if that made you feel immature or not smart. Surely this wasn't my intent.

 

[Tuffguy]

I'm not so sure why Christians are always downplaying physical appearance. Appearance is important. What you look like is the 1st impression that a stranger makes about you. Everyone judges you based on what you look like. End of story. If it is wrong or right doesn't even matter. That has nothing to do with anything. It is reality.
I have an interview tomorrow for a fantastic job in a good area, with big pay raise. Should i wear a wife beater or my taylored suit?
We have instincts that we where born with. Anything out of the ordinary (ugly or beautiful) attracts our attention. If you see a supermodel in the mall you instinctively look because she is just THAT attractive. What you do w/that information after the first glance defines who you are. Wether you shrug your shoulders or dream about her later is up to you.

I have a very cute gf. What attracted me to her? I saw she was cute, and she was modestly dressed. Her cuteness attracted me and then i noticed that she looked like a good girl,,, the type i would like to get to know. Was this wrong somehow?
Some of you need a reality check. Looks, how you carry yourself and personality define who you are. You can call it what you want but everyone is guilty of drawing conclusions and making judgements about people based on looks.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

As has been said before, everyone has their own definition of "pretty" so what one person thinks is the next best thing since slice bread, the next person may not think so. But the scripture never makes that distinction. But anyway....

I think Christians downplay appearance primarily because the Word tells us to focus more on other things than the outward appearance. ( I Samuel 16:7, Proverbs 31:30, Proverbs 6:25, I Peter 3:3 ). I don't think it "sinful" to be attracted to someone, but I think its not wise to make that the only initiator/motivator of interest. Everybody may do it, but that don't make it right though.

I know to some that seems "weird" but hey - take it up with God, not me. His words says that He can give you the desires of your heart - and if you look beyond the mere appearance of that scripture, it means that God can place within you those traits/qualities/desires that He wants you to be attracted to - that's if you let Him.

ETA:
I'm not anti-looks or anything, I just no longer find it "cute" when guys tell me that it was something physical about me that they are attracted too. I actually find it a turn-off.......

 

[Fatolia]

You can call it what you want but everyone is guilty of drawing conclusions and making judgements about people based on looks.

...which is precisely why I said what I did.

 

[Fatolia]

If you took the average "christian" person and gave him/her two choices: a super beautiful person with a dull, thoughtless character and a person who got the short end of the stick on looks but a stunning and sacrificial character, we would nine times out of ten choose the first. Probably more like 9.99 times out of 10. It happens everyday, all the time! Why is this? This isn't about being right or wrong. The question is: why do we put such an extraordinarily high value on superficial stuff?

 

[BeautyForAshes]

If you took the average "christian" person and gave him/her two choices: a super beautiful person with a dull, thoughtless character and a person who got the short end of the stick on looks but a stunning and sacrificial character, we would nine times out of ten choose the first. Probably more like 9.99 times out of 10. It happens everyday, all the time! Why is this? This isn't about being right or wrong. The question is: why do we put such an extraordinarily high value on superficial stuff?

I don't think this happens 9.99 % of the time. I do think that it varies GREATLY in terms of age and I'll take it a step further and say ethnicity as well.

But I will agree that it does happen a lot. maybe 7 outta 10

 

[kelco]

If you took the average "christian" person and gave him/her two choices: a super beautiful person with a dull, thoughtless character and a person who got the short end of the stick on looks but a stunning and sacrificial character, we would nine times out of ten choose the first. Probably more like 9.99 times out of 10. It happens everyday, all the time! Why is this? This isn't about being right or wrong. The question is: why do we put such an extraordinarily high value on superficial stuff?

Actually it happens 10 out of 10 times. Truth is truth. If you are not attractive, no matter if you are the most wonderful person in the world, no one wants you.

 

[RefinedByFire]

I'll reflect the sentiment of others who posted in this thread.

I do appreciate your candor and your shared wisdom.
Don't readily discount the chemistry between two potential mates. That chemistry involves physical attraction. It does matter.

I know of women who are of the utmost in Godly character. But without physical attraction between us, we are no more than just friends. This is not being superficial. This is being truthful and real.

Physical attraction is not necessarily a guaranteed formula for doomed relations. But I do agree that TOO MUCH emphasis on this will otherwise be proned to failure. Fortunately, there are people of the opposite sex that are physically attractive and Godly. You can have your cake and eat it too.

 

[awashinlove]

Now if there's one thing I'm thankful for, it's my overprotected upbringing by a mother who was touched by her work in a burn unit where she watched numerous burn victims wake up with no significant other by their side, just lonely engagement or wedding bands. I realize we all catalogue people in some way, and I'm certainly guilty of that, but I, for one, find myself attracted to character way, way over looks. Appearances simply don't spark anything in me, but I'm fighting a crush when I witness a guy willing to get goofy with my Sunday School kids or showing genuine compassion for the youth. That's really the point when my mind registers looks, and I have yet to come across an unattractive person.

I think the good news is that we all have different tastes. What's not appealing to one is positively stunning to another. We've got a pretty good God; he didn't make ugly, he made unique.

Blessings,
awashinlove

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Now if there's one thing I'm thankful for, it's my overprotected upbringing by a mother who was touched by her work in a burn unit where she watched numerous burn victims wake up with no significant other by their side, just lonely engagement or wedding bands.

I worked in a hospital before with both a burn unit and a cancer treatment center (because chemo/radiation/steriods WILL CHANGE your looks) and I know exactly what your mom witnessed. Sad can't even describe it.

 

[the_man]

Would a mental/psychiatric ward experience similar things?

 

[the_man]

I think Christians downplay appearance primarily because the Word tells us to focus more on other things than the outward appearance. ( I Samuel 16:7, Proverbs 31:30, Proverbs 6:25, I Peter 3:3 ). I don't think it "sinful" to be attracted to someone, but I think its not wise to make that the only initiator/motivator of interest. Everybody may do it, but that don't make it right though.

I think the Word tells us a lot of things to focus on. For example, Prov. 5:19 isn't talking about personality. Also, some of the verses you listed do not apply to the context at hand. i.e. I Sameuel is not talking about a marriage partner. Proverbs 6:25 is refering to adultry. What distinguishes the marital relationship from other relationships is not only the intensity of the 'base' loves (the friendship, the affection) but also the fact that eros is present (only in marriage is eros permitted). I think looks play no small role in eros.

I know to some that seems "weird" but hey - take it up with God, not me. His words says that He can give you the desires of your heart - and if you look beyond the mere appearance of that scripture, it means that God can place within you those traits/qualities/desires that He wants you to be attracted to - that's if you let Him.

I think that God is very pleased when a man is pleased to look at his wife or a wife is pleased with her husbands appearance.

Generally speaking:

Backing up what tuffguy said, I don't know why most christians cannot have a conversation about looks and their role in mate selection without throwing in that character matters also as if someone mentioned that it doesn't. I really think it reflects more of a hang up with looks than many would like to admit.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

I wasn't speaking in terms of a mariage partner, but just about attraction in general. I'm not trying to disprove anything anyone's posted, but just providing scripture about using physical attraction as a main focus. I think everyone would agree that Proverbs 31 talks about this, but I digress.

But hey, whatever floats people's boats. I guess if its worked for you all this time...