Stages of falling in love

[Fatolia]

After years of experience of trial and error, I've discovered that the American system of "falling in love" is faulty and results in 100% failure (when I've tried it personally.) This falling in love typically follows this pattern:

1) Visual interest
2) Infatuation (feelings)
3) Personality interest
5) Physical Connections (this goes from sex to holding hands...anything 'special')
6) Character
7) Intellectual and Life Compatibility

This list seems to be pretty accurate for the priorities that most people pick in a partner. I have friends who say that they are looking for a partner with excellent character, personality, and similar life goals, yet they will end up choosing a person who is beautiful, confident, and makes them feel happy and willing to ignore the rest. This is so-called "love." This love is as dense as cotton candy and eventually crumbles from a flawed design. Many of my friends are going through divorces.

In my opinion, this is almost completely backwards of what God would rather have us prioritize. Here's why:

1) Visual interest (people get old and fat)
2) Infatuation (feelings) (if you stop feeling attracted to a person, have you "fallen out of love" with them?)
3) Personality interest (personality changes as you get older too)
5) Physical Connections (this goes from sex to holding hands...anything 'special') (The differences between different people are subtle. Most people share the same kinds of body parts. And these change with age too)
6) Character (This comes from life decisions that rarely change)
7) Intellectual and Life Compatibility (Linked with personality but more stable because of genetics and dreams)

So I'm thinking, why not go crazy and just stop judging people by looks altogether? For me, this would mean that a woman's physical beauty should be irrelevant to how I perceive her. So the list is modified as follows:

1) Character
2) Intellectual and Life Compatibilies
3) Personality Interest
4) Infatuation
5) Physical Interest
6) Physical Connection

This may involve forcing myself to not be attracted to looks at all so that I can focus on the heart. Once I know a person deeply, then why not use that time to discover if it would be possible to share physical enjoyment? It seems as if we pass over people completely if they don't fit our predefined notions of "hotness."

All my Christian guy friends are still chasing after physically beautiful women only. All my Christian gal friends are chasing after mysterious, macho, or tough aloof guys only. It really bothers me that looks and personality are the first thing we look for in a mate....they are both VERY superficial and temporary.

 

[covenantwmn]

I agree almost totally, but I do think you gotta have some kind of attraction, chemistry is not to be discounted completely. I have known of some--granted only a few---relationships that were almost love at first sight. But I do agree WAY too much emphasis on looks and not nearly enough on character. Great post!

 

[invisiblebabe]

I think priorities depends on personality type. I value an abstract connection extremely highly.

Physical attraction is necessary though too... I would never have married someone I was repelled by or couldn't stand to be close to.

As for personality changing... the Big Five model has been extensively researched, and it is essentially quite stable as one ages, with few changes. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator also measures key dimensions of personality, and from what I have studied about it, I believe one's true type also remains stable (environmental factors and personal development dynamics being what changes). So, I conclude that personality is important... ie a strong introvert and a strong extrovert would probably drive each other insane, as well as being quite incompatible. Introversion/extroversion does not change much over a lifetime.

I think it is a package... the whole being greater than the sum of its parts. If it is not all there, then it would not be an optimal match.

 

[awashinlove]

It is disappointing to see such focus on the worldly attributes, especially when coming from brothers and sisters. What I can't understand, though, is the focus on anyone's traits in regards to our spouses. My opinion is that discernment of character should come before the friendship stage, when we make the decision as to who it is we want to yoke ourselves with emotionally (how many of us say, "Sorry, I just can't be your friend. You're nose is a little crooked,"). I mean, I enjoy the dreaming and will allow myself now and again to entertain thoughts on what kind of character I'd delight in my future husband having, but keeping these things on my mind usually leads to "trying people on," or judging them in some way (which bothers me, harmless or not). Truth is, while beauty is fleeting, character is flawed. Why not look heavenward when it comes to the person to whom we will one day make such a reverential vow? When I'm married, I don't want to have measured up in some way to my husband's set standards (unless he has a first place ribbon); I desire to be secure in the knowledge of a heavenly espousal. I wish we'd all find ourselves encouraged to stop looking at one another and start looking to our heavenly Father, having full faith in Him. I do believe God Himself, if we seek his will, divinely gives us one another to complement our paths. Trusting in him will be the only everlasting bond of perfection.

Blessings,
awashinlove

 

[Fatolia]

It is disappointing to see such focus on the worldly attributes, especially when coming from brothers and sisters. What I can't understand, though, is the focus on anyone's traits in regards to our spouses. My opinion is that discernment of character should come before the friendship stage, when we make the decision as to who it is we want to yoke ourselves with emotionally (how many of us say, "Sorry, I just can't be your friend. You're nose is a little crooked,"). I mean, I enjoy the dreaming and will allow myself now and again to entertain thoughts on what kind of character I'd delight in my future husband having, but keeping these things on my mind usually leads to "trying people on," or judging them in some way (which bothers me, harmless or not). Truth is, while beauty is fleeting, character is flawed. Why not look heavenward when it comes to the person to whom we will one day make such a reverential vow? When I'm married, I don't want to have measured up in some way to my husband's set standards (unless he has a first place ribbon); I desire to be secure in the knowledge of a heavenly espousal. I wish we'd all find ourselves encouraged to stop looking at one another and start looking to our heavenly Father, having full faith in Him. I do believe God Himself, if we seek his will, divinely gives us one another to complement our paths. Trusting in him will be the only everlasting bond of perfection.

Blessings,
awashinlove

Wow! What a swell response!

 

[the_man]

After years of experience of trial and error, I've discovered that the American system of "falling in love" is faulty and results in 100% failure (when I've tried it personally.) This falling in love typically follows this pattern:

1) Visual interest
2) Infatuation (feelings)
3) Personality interest
5) Physical Connections (this goes from sex to holding hands...anything 'special')
6) Character
7) Intellectual and Life Compatibility

For this threads sake, I'll roll with it.

This list seems to be pretty accurate for the priorities that most people pick in a partner. I have friends who say that they are looking for a partner with excellent character, personality, and similar life goals, yet they will end up choosing a person who is beautiful, confident, and makes them feel happy and willing to ignore the rest. This is so-called "love." This love is as dense as cotton candy and eventually crumbles from a flawed design. Many of my friends are going through divorces.

Can't this beautiful, confident, makes them happy person have excellent character, personality and similar life goals? Or is that entirely impossible?

In my opinion, this is almost completely backwards of what God would rather have us prioritize. Here's why:

1) Visual interest (people get old and fat)
2) Infatuation (feelings) (if you stop feeling attracted to a person, have you "fallen out of love" with them?)
3) Personality interest (personality changes as you get older too)
5) Physical Connections (this goes from sex to holding hands...anything 'special') (The differences between different people are subtle. Most people share the same kinds of body parts. And these change with age too)
6) Character (This comes from life decisions that rarely change)
7) Intellectual and Life Compatibility (Linked with personality but more stable because of genetics and dreams)

I thought these were stages of love. You don't stay in one except the last right? Or perhaps they are more like categories of love?

Anyway, I think it is backward to the way God will want us to view everyone. You don't witness to an unbeliever based off of looks, that's not even a factor. However, when it comes to marriage, the thing that disguishes a marriage love from the love you give everyone else is eros. And guess what, for eros, looks a huge.

So I'm thinking, why not go crazy and just stop judging people by looks altogether? For me, this would mean that a woman's physical beauty should be irrelevant to how I perceive her. So the list is modified as follows:

1) Character
2) Intellectual and Life Compatibilies
3) Personality Interest
4) Infatuation
5) Physical Interest
6) Physical Connection

If you were going to stop judging by looks, then why did you list it?

This may involve forcing myself to not be attracted to looks at all so that I can focus on the heart. Once I know a person deeply, then why not use that time to discover if it would be possible to share physical enjoyment? It seems as if we pass over people completely if they don't fit our predefined notions of "hotness."

If you want to marry someone you are not attracted to I'm not going to stop you mate. Why can't one meet a woman that they are extremely attracted to and (i know it's blashphemous) he/she has a heart after God and solid character? Why does it seem like that is impossible. Looks fade -> no they don't, they change, just like character changes, personality changes and the rest. You mature as a person.

All my Christian guy friends are still chasing after physically beautiful women only. All my Christian gal friends are chasing after mysterious, macho, or tough aloof guys only. It really bothers me that looks and personality are the first thing we look for in a mate....they are both VERY superficial and temporary.

Okay, give me examples of this. I mean, the only way you will be able to say this is if you knew the characters of the hot girls and the macho guys.

I think it bothers me that you don't think looks matter in mate selection, but to each his own. It just seems to be that someone is hung up on the looks issue. Is it the person that values looks and knows it's proper place in a relationship or is it the person that wants to eliminate it from a relationship? (my vote is the latter).

 

[BeautyForAshes]

It is disappointing to see such focus on the worldly attributes, especially when coming from brothers and sisters. What I can't understand, though, is the focus on anyone's traits in regards to our spouses. My opinion is that discernment of character should come before the friendship stage, when we make the decision as to who it is we want to yoke ourselves with emotionally (how many of us say, "Sorry, I just can't be your friend. You're nose is a little crooked,"). I mean, I enjoy the dreaming and will allow myself now and again to entertain thoughts on what kind of character I'd delight in my future husband having, but keeping these things on my mind usually leads to "trying people on," or judging them in some way (which bothers me, harmless or not). Truth is, while beauty is fleeting, character is flawed. Why not look heavenward when it comes to the person to whom we will one day make such a reverential vow? When I'm married, I don't want to have measured up in some way to my husband's set standards (unless he has a first place ribbon); I desire to be secure in the knowledge of a heavenly espousal. I wish we'd all find ourselves encouraged to stop looking at one another and start looking to our heavenly Father, having full faith in Him. I do believe God Himself, if we seek his will, divinely gives us one another to complement our paths. Trusting in him will be the only everlasting bond of perfection.

Blessings,
awashinlove

Great post and perspective, especially when speaking on using the gift of discernement FIRST and not letting the eyes lead you.

 

[Fatolia]

I think it bothers me that you don't think looks matter in mate selection, but to each his own. It just seems to be that someone is hung up on the looks issue. Is it the person that values looks and knows it's proper place in a relationship or is it the person that wants to eliminate it from a relationship? (my vote is the latter).

Yes, it matters. That's why it's at the bottom. But we've got to stop judging people based on how we "feel" about them and go more for objective criteria. Feelings are important, but they are subservient to the aspects that will actually keep a marriage together.

 

[the_man]

Yes, it matters. That's why it's at the bottom.

Ah, I see. Earlier in the paragraph you said: "For me, this would mean that a woman's physical beauty should be irrelevant to how I perceive her" hence the confustion.

But we've got to stop judging people based on how we "feel" about them and go more for objective criteria. Feelings are important, but they are subservient to the aspects that will actually keep a marriage together.

But that's the problem I have with this Fatolia. I know what you are saying but you are leaning towards the otherside too much. I think the "feel" of love and the "decision" of love are both important and have their place in a marriage type relationship. The world says "feel" only and when you don't "feel" it's over. Some Christians say "decide" only and that will keep you together. It may keep you together, but then you will be nothing more than glorified roomates. I wouldn't want that kind of marriage. Love was never meant to be complete objective and logical. We are not machines after all, neither is our God.

Both have an important role in marriage and neither should be put down as less important.

Cool site by the way.

 

[Sketcher]

This may involve forcing myself to not be attracted to looks at all so that I can focus on the heart.

Given the very nature of people, that is impossible. We are visual creatures and attractive people simply appeal to us more. For example, I have a tendency to fight attraction because I know it leads to infatuation which leads to nothing good. Good looks are not good enough for me, she needs to have character as well. However, I found myself more attracted to a hot, unsaved girl than I was to an ugly believing girl. Even though I wouldn't date that unsaved girl under any circumstances and had no respect for her whatsoever, I found myself more prone to wanting to have fun with her than the unattractive Christian. I mean, the Christian had better values by far, but there just was no dating interest. She's a nice girl, but nothing about her turns me on. I'm talking about her personality as well as her looks.

Once I know a person deeply, then why not use that time to discover if it would be possible to share physical enjoyment? It seems as if we pass over people completely if they don't fit our predefined notions of "hotness."

Because we know what we like. What you're proposing is not practical in a society that does not put women in burkas.

All my Christian guy friends are still chasing after physically beautiful women only. All my Christian gal friends are chasing after mysterious, macho, or tough aloof guys only. It really bothers me that looks and personality are the first thing we look for in a mate....they are both VERY superficial and temporary.

Personality is bigger than I think you're giving it credit for. For example, two people who have domineering personalities shouldn't get together - their home will become a war zone.

My opinion is that discernment of character should come before the friendship stage, when we make the decision as to who it is we want to yoke ourselves with emotionally

How are you going to determine someone's character before getting to know them as a person? And how will you know the deep parts of their character without first befriending them?

Can't this beautiful, confident, makes them happy person have excellent character, personality and similar life goals? Or is that entirely impossible?

Agreed. And my thinking is that as the relationship matures, you'll be putting everything else ahead of looks.

 

[awashinlove]

Both have an important role in marriage and neither should be put down as less important.

Any kind of love we can muster, whether sensation or decision, is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Feel is nice, but it doesn't last. Decision is more of a must, but we're weak and blemished. There's only one Love that is profoundly blind and intensely selfless. Feelings aren't going to get you through a terrible incident, and decision may not get you through the tough times where we find one another far out of character. We need to call on something higher, and my belief is that we should learn how to do this long before another person is involved.

How are you going to determine someone's character before getting to know them as a person? And how will you know the deep parts of their character without first befriending them?

It is not hard at all to discover the general attributes and abilities of someone during an aquaintance period if we take the time to observe one another through ministry opportunities, and like activities. The deepest parts of another certainly can't be known until a deeper relationship itself is established, and that's why I believe once we are keeping the company of those we know are Godly, anything more should be provoked by God alone.

Blessings,
awashinlove

 

[the_man]

Any kind of love we can muster, whether sensation or decision, is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Feel is nice, but it doesn't last. Decision is more of a must, but we're weak and blemished. There's only one Love that is profoundly blind and intensely selfless. Feelings aren't going to get you through a terrible incident, and decision may not get you through the tough times where we find one another far out of character. We need to call on something higher, and my belief is that we should learn how to do this long before another person is involved.

Agreed, however, we are talking about love between men and women, not our love for God.

 

[awashinlove]

we are talking about love between men and women, not our love for God.

Exactly.

 

[JeremiahJ]

I had an objective relationship once. This girl made so much sense from so many angles. She had awesome character, we interacted well, complemented eachother's gifts, had similar life goals, both passionately wanting to build the kingdom of Christ, etc. It completely flopped.

I agree, this world is way too focused on emotions and physical appearances, but what I also see is some people (myself included) having a reactionary response that goes too far the other way. Emotions and physical attraction have a vital role in relationships.

I'm with Awashinlove with her general theme of turning to and trusting God for this stuff. I believe that the God of the universe is going to make me intensely physically attracted to the girl I marry. I believe I'll always find her beautiful, not just after I see she's passionate for God, has a solid character, and is a great personality match. I believe my emotions are going to be going wild over her. I think that when we lock eyes, hands, bodies, or lips, my heart will be beating out of my chest. That's what God does in relationships. Now, are those things the only deciding factors? Not by a long shot. But, judging strength of character, personality pairing, or the coalescement of life goals aren't the deciding factors either. What it ultimately comes down to is the Ultimate, and my relationship to Him. The decison to marry a certain person needs to flow naturally from an active love relationship with Jesus Christ. That has the potential to render all other factors impertinent. What I'm saying is that God made physical attraction and emotions as fantastic elements of a relationship that He's going to cause to be there with the person I decide to marry. Contrary to what awashinlove said, romance and emotions for a person have solved, or had a huge part in solving, some major relationship issues. I've had couples tell me about how much their emotional attraction to eachother and moments of romance (if you know what I'm saying ) have got them through some tough stuff. God made it that way.






Also, by no means do I insist upon the constant presence of physical attraction or emotion, relationships don't have that. Nor do I think emotions are the solve-all of relationship issues, those things need to be talked out and worked out with the spouse and JC.

 

[awashinlove]

Contrary to what awashinlove said, romance and emotions for a person have solved, or had a huge part in solving, some major relationship issues.

Ah, perhaps I shouldn't have been so absolute.

Blessings,
awashinlove

 

[HoosierCanuck]

You rock, Fatolia! I totally agree. I'm someone who has mastered the fat part and is getting to the old part. lol Character and personality mean way more to me now than it did even just 5 years ago. I have a very special friendship with someone in England whom I've never met. We've been chatting and emailing for six years and have never once traded photos. We've given basic descriptions but honestly that was in the beginning and I can't remember what he said he looked like. However, if I thought I had the ability to 'fall in love' I would say this man could hold possibility if the geography permitted.

 

[Sketcher]

It is not hard at all to discover the general attributes and abilities of someone during an aquaintance period if we take the time to observe one another through ministry opportunities, and like activities. The deepest parts of another certainly can't be known until a deeper relationship itself is established, and that's why I believe once we are keeping the company of those we know are Godly, anything more should be provoked by God alone.

The problem with that is "church manners" - not everyone at aquaintance level is genuine. People only let others see so much of themselves, and what you miss at aquaintance level could be critical.

 

[awashinlove]

The problem with that is "church manners" - not everyone at aquaintance level is genuine. People only let others see so much of themselves, and what you miss at aquaintance level could be critical.

Er, allow me to clarify my original statement, I tend to forget I'm the only one here hanging out in my head (since Flo left, anyway): Generally, speaking from personal observation, we simply enjoy the company of those we, through time, nurture deep friendships with. As we're getting to know one another we're not so much (hopefully not at all) focusing on physical attraction. So what I was getting at was somewhere along the lines of use your judgment initially to choose your friends - those who you will allow to influence your life - wisely, and from there give it completely to God. Friends tend to come under less scrutiny than potential spouses.

Blessings,
awashinlove

 

[JPPT1974]

Agreed, however, we are talking about love between men and women, not our love for God.

Love is very special. And should not be taken for granted nor lightly.
Love between a man and a woman is supposed to be sincere and precious.
Having love and giving love is supposed to be a communion between a man and a woman.

 

[mina]

Shallow people run after shallow things. Mature love is based who someone is on the inside. If you love someone for their insides, then they will probably be attractive on the outside to you as well.