Spouses of addicts

[justcallmejamie]

is there a support forum for us? Is there a co dependency thread somewhere?
guess i could just make one, i guess this could be it...ok someone come encourage me my husband is addicted to crack and we are seperated because of it, he is in recovery but only becuase he cant live here.

 

[wrknprgrstn]

I'm in. Let's roll with it. I am an adult child of Alcoholics/Drug Addicts and married a drug addict...and live in a world of The Disease of Addiction. What's going on? Thanks for posting this, it's what I came looking here for.

 

[justcallmejamie]

well he went into a program 2 months ago, for like the third time, he doesnt seem sincere. I am setting up a supervised visit with himand my daughter for next weekend, she misses him. It is hard to here her ask for her daddy. What if he never gets it together? I asked a couple from my church, my very close friends if they would consider taking my daughter if anything ever happened to me, my daughter would go into foster care, i am all she has, i cant depend on my husband, they will pray about it and then i have to figure out how to make all that legal and how much it will cost. I owe it to my daughter to make sure she is taken care of. Whats going on with you?

 

[rocklife]

am praying for you and your daughter

I can't really answer much, but just offer a little support

 

[justcallmejamie]

That is the best i could ask for thank you

 

[KristyAnne]

I have been looking for a thread like this, thank you for starting this one.

My husband is an alcoholic, and it gets incredibly hard to deal with at times, especially since we have a two-year-old daughter.

What makes it even harder to deal with, is that he's not an obvious alcoholic. Most people seem to have the idea that all alcoholics are unemployed, have empty bottles lying around the house, are drunk all the time, and this simply isn't the case. I'm the only one who ever gets to see him drunk and having withdrawls, but no-one else would believe it gets so bad because he is such a happy drunk in public. It's not so much the quantity he drinks, but the hold alcohol has on his life. He binge drinks, and when he has a craving for alcohol, nothing can stop him. Because of this, we have a mountain of debt (if we have no money when he wants alcohol, something gets hocked), and I am miserable and stressed so much of the time.

Anyway, it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one in this position. It's great to find this thread.

God Bless.

Kristy

 

[wrknprgrstn]

Here's the first thing I have to remind myself of every day...Sometimes every three minutes of every day- I am obsessed with what's wrong with all these alcoholics/addicts in my life...and that is my biggest problem. I live for them before I live for God and for me. So I have to get back to God and me and allow the alc/addicts to do what they do, even if it might land them or somebody else in the grave. But I don't need to be wasting my life obsessing over "what if"...

 

[justcallmejamie]

the best thing someone ever told me was in life you are either a victim or a volunteer, that finally allowed me to put my foot down, i thought the longer i stay with my husband and enable him to get high, the worse he will get, i was volunteering to be there, my daughter, who is 2 and a half is the victim, she loses out, she didnt choose this lifestyle. She is just along for the ride for as long as ill drag her through this madness. She hears the fighting and sees her daddy loaded and walking all over her mommy, it is my daughter who pays the ultimate price. it is what gave me the courage to leave him.

 

[faithnprayer]

is there a support forum for us? Is there a co dependency thread somewhere?
guess i could just make one, i guess this could be it...ok someone come encourage me my husband is addicted to crack and we are seperated because of it, he is in recovery but only becuase he cant live here.

hey all, I just found this thread .... praise GOD!! my husband and I just seperated for the 2nd time due to his drug dependence. He had almost 16 years clean before an injury requiring the prolonged use of pain meds. Over a year and 2 surgeries later he realized he'd relapsed. He convinced himself the meds were medically necessary as long as he could get a dr. to prescribe. We tried the "I control the meds" route with no success. He would somehow find himself high most of the time. I have a 10 & 15 year old who I couldn't allow to be affected by the potential danger any longer. So, I asked him to leave, get healthy and when he could be depended on to stay clean then we could try to work on our marriage. We both have the support of our church and small group but somehow I think talking to those braving the same rough waters will be helpful.

 

[justcallmejamie]

thats tough, when someone lives with chronic pain, you dont want to tell them to come of there meds becuase they are in so much pain without them. My husband fell into this cycle: he would take his pills, feel better and move and do stuff he wasnt supposed to, then he would be in more pain the next day and take more pills to cover the new pain. He got so dependent on the pills he has no pain thresh hold, his body cannot cope with the pain without the meds, they are weaning him off his methadone now and he is getting scared, but i believe he can do all things through Christ and he has to believe it for himself i cant keep walking his walk for him. Faith, you did the right thing it is hard but right.

 

[wrknprgrstn]

I can't change her. I can change me though. And that's going to take some daily work. God help me.

 

[faithnprayer]

so here's a question.... how long should a seperation last after wayward ways have been acknowledged and addressed?
my usually very loving husband has come to terms with his addiction or relapse and is taking steps to work on recovery...ie.. NA meetings, substance abuse support group meetings held within our church, and we have been going to marriage counseling. All that aside, I am still very leary of asking him to come back home. My fear is that of course he'll relapse again and we'll be in the same boat. As I mentioned before there are kids involved and a revolving door isn't healthy for us but so unfair to them....
I have been praying that God will give me a peace as to when the right time would be... as of yet I'm gettin' nothin'. Frustrating for both my husband and me. While he understands and agrees that I did the right thing "kicking him out" ( i hate it that he puts it that way.... like i did it maliciously..arrghh) he wants to come home and get life moving in the right direction. He is concerned that time may harden both our hearts.
Can anyone shed any light on the situation????? Sorry all, brevity is not my strongsuit.

 

[KristyAnne]

I'm not sure what amount of time is best until you permanently let him back, but until you decide that, maybe you could have him stay over in the guest room a couple of nights a week? That way you could see how he is going, and when the time comes for him to permanently return, it will have been a gradual process rather than a sudden change.

Kristy

 

[chilehed]

justcallmejaimie,

I'm a recovering addict in Michigan. You may want to look up Nar-Anon, a Twelve Step program for family members of addicts. The world office is in Torrance. I don't have any personal experience with Nar-Anon, but I know that Al-Anon is good and I've been clean for over 18 years in Narcotics Anonymous. I think that Nar-Anon would be good to try.

http://www.naranoncalifornia.org/socal/index.htm

 

[justcallmejamie]

i dont do anyting secular my friend but thanks for the advice.

faithnprayer..how long have you been seperated and how many times has this happened?

 

[pilgrimdon]

Faithnprayer,
I wonder the same thing. I am in the same position your hubby is. I have relapsed 3 times in the last 4 yeasr. Although with my sponsor and therapist (I am actually confronting much bigger things than just my addictions) I have been making progress. In the past I would go use and be gone for 3 - 6 days and I would usually go right back out after I got back into rehab. But the patterns and triggers I have recognized still played a part in me isolating and then falling into the behaviors. On the last 3 incidents I was calling my wife, pastor or therapist (someone) and told them what I did and I was home in hours instead of days.
But for my wife the issue is not tolerable. Last year she packed the kids and left the state and disappeared for a couple months. I finally located her but she was still very upset, filed a restraining order and I was under the county and DA's investigation and interviews - it was horrible. A couple months ago she had some problems arise and I made arrangements and went and picked my wife and 4 kids up and brought them home. The kids had stayed with me while she stayed with friends, but they had other commitments that forced her back in the house with me. In 2 months time I went out one day and used. But my wife found out that I had been going out with friends from work and church and having a drink here or there. She also found out I was intoxicated a couple times where I knew I was not able to drive appropriately so I got a ride and had the car picked up. In my mind I thought I was being responsible but I failed to see that my kids were really disappointed and worried.
There were some underlying issues and resentment I had at my wife and we began to argue steadily again and I got fed up and really let her have it. She gave it back and I went out to a hotel and she left again. It has been two months. I am actively and honestly working on myself and I don’t want to stumble any more. But she is so scared I will she has not been willing to talk about even considering reconciliation until God does a miracle. She has made comments for as long as 2 years before she would even consider it.
I don’t really agree but at this point she is not willing to discuss it so I am subject to her decision to stay apart. I know that the longer two people are apart the more difficulties that will arise when you go to reconcile.
Reconciliation is going to be dependant on both spouses willingness to "commit" to work through those things regardless of how upsetting or frustrating it becomes. If she remains apathetic and closed towards me in the future, when God hopefully begins to restore and reconcile our marriage, she will be more than likely to walk in the face of adversity rather than to stand together and fight. That would be my only concern for you. That you make realistic boundaries for the length of separation and for the return. It will be to your discretion because you have to feel safe and confident in him. But know this - relapse is a part of the recovery process - it may happen. Be prepared, make boundaries and consequences if it does and both of you must commit to them.

I pray for your husband’s willingness to get help and for strength to continue. I ask Gods peace and wisdom for you in this time and for Godly counsel to aid you in your decisions.

 

[faithnprayer]

pilgrimdon,
thank you for sharing your story... my prayers for healing and restoration are with you.

A little background on my husband.... he had a long battle with drugs and alcohol and attended a rehab program, court ordered, 17 years ago. He wasn't ready to give it up and went right back to using. A few months later he had a horrible car accident and nearly killed himself. That got his attention and once he was able he went into the same rehab program he'd attended months earlier. He did relapse a couple of times after completing the program but with the help of sponsors, meetings and a sincere desire to get clean.... he did. After about year 7, he stopped going to the meetings. He was living an entirely different life, free and clean of the desire to use drugs. He found our Lord and in a big way. As he began to live for Him, he was able to let go of the guilt and shame of all that accompanied that part of his life. He joined the praise band in our church as music is a passion and found he could use that to serve God. He also started a christian rock band with some of the other guys on the praise team. All seemed well in his life.... this is where we met, fell in love, got married and began our life together. We had both suffered the pain of divorce and were adamant that God be at the center of our marriage. He'd never been a father before and I brought 2 children into this union, so we've had many obstacles but God has always been faithful and helped us through. We had been married for almost 2 years; and he had been clean for 16 years when the ugly disent started. An old injury from that accident 17 yrs ago had finally deteriorated his knee to the point that he had to have a total replacement and the meds he took set his addiction off. To make matters worse the first surgeon left him with lots of scar tissue still in his knee causing pain and not allowing a full recovery. Over a year later he had to have another total replacement of the replacement--- I know- can you believe it---- anyway we are looking at well over a year of prescription drug use, legitatmate but lethal to a recovering addict. This last surgery has been a success so I do have a praise in all this. And that brings us to the present.
We have been seperated twice in the last 3 months. The 1st lasted only a week. He said that was a wake up call to get his life back on track. Then in less than a month I find he's gotten more sleeping pills then a week later painkillers. That really blindsided me. After I got over the initial shock I decided that my instinctual response of outrage and letting him really have it would serve no purpose. So after a day or so I asked him how he was feeling, if he was having any struggles and he was very positive and sincere saying that everything was fine, he was feeling good about how we were progressing with counseling, and much better without his mind clouded from pills. I very calmly told him I knew about the pills he had and before I had the chance to say anymore the tirade began. I let him spew that whole evening without losing my temper- which btw was a total intercession by God. The next day I told him he had to leave; our family could not survive if I became an enabler to his addiction. I begged him to go into a rehab facility- In my mind I thought after a thirty day program where he could focus entirely on recovery that we might have a better shot at restoring our life. He didn't agree. After a few days however he did look into it and found out that his insurance would not cover rehab. So he started going to the local NA meetings and continuing the support program within our church. He says the NA meetings have really helped him come to terms with his relapse and given him back the hope that he can begin recovery. We are 2 weeks into this seperation and I am feeling much more hopeful as well but I am very cautious about when to have him back home.
I apologize for the length but I do hope this gives a clear picture of the situation.
Thanks to everyone for being here to talk to..... it's such a lifted burden to share with others who at least have an understanding of the ravages of addiction. Bless you all,

Faithnprayer

 

[wrknprgrstn]

One has many choices. Whether or not he or she is living with me, this person is an addict and has choices too. Here's something sad but true...Just because this person is not using drugs or alcohol, does not mean he or she is READY to live in my house or bed with me...much less sitting down and having a conversation with me. Time is a wonderful thing. My time. God's time. Time for healing and finding the wisdom I haven't had...or the grace I haven't allowed to enter into ME for who knows how long in this insanity of living in the daily Disease of addiction. Choices? Mine.

 

[pilgrimdon]

FNP,

Thx for sharing your story. I am praying that you make a sound and wide decision and are provided Godly counsel.
It is important that your Husband really address the "issues" that set him off. Addictions are only an escape or temporal relief for deeper problems that we stuff, run, hide or avoid.
May God be with you both...

WKN,
I dont think that I implied anything different in my post to FNP. In fact my exact words were "It will be to your discretion because you have to feel safe and confident in him." -and I encouraged FNP to set boundaries and use wisdom in determining the conditions and duration of the separation and the steps to move back.
There are many factors that influence decisions. I know that people have the final word in what they decide and a large part is based on their emotional well being. I understand that it will be based out of trust, security and respect to point out a few. It is also out of their pain and lack of trust due to the violations and wounds that we base decisions. It may be much more difficult for one person who has suffered emotionally and psychologically than for another person in the same situation that has less bagage and issues that also influence their decisions.

I dont know your situation but I sense your frustration with my post and I dont want you to think I that I was suggesting to FNP or anyone anything other than it is a personal decision. I know we need to use wisdom and it is beneficial to get Godly counsel and use biblical discretion when setting and making realistic goals boundaries such as FNP and her decision to let him back in.

I dont see where I disagreed with you....
even if my own persoanl feeling is a longer separation is more difficult to work through - I still afirmed everything else...

Hope you can find some peace and release from your situation. It clearly has your responses sounding very protective and defensive. I might be wrong but I would venture to say its a way for you to guard yourself from more pain.
(but what do I know) Praying for you anyway - God Blless...

 

[justcallmejamie]

FNP, thats a hard call, I dont know i would seek counsel from people around you who know you both and the history. I went through at least 8 seperations in the last 31/2 yrs, and thats is becuase i let him back to soon without letting God do the full work in him. Now i put the minimum of a yr before i will even consider us living together. That is only contingent on him and his sincerity. I saw him saturday, he is still hustling and prideful, he doesnt look like it, but i see right through him. i have been pushed over to much by this man to keep falling for his act. but thats mine, not yours, thats why you need to talk to someone who knows you both (not mom or dad please) maybe your pastor or a lay counselor at the church a good girl friend who truly wants the best for you and your husband. Please dont listen to anyone's opinion but only Godly advice.