Sorry seems to be the hardest word...

[stan1980]

Why do some people find it so hard to apologise, and stick their hands up and admit they might have been in the wrong and say the word 'sorry'? Personally, I apologise all the time, sometimes when I don't even think I'm in the wrong, as I value peace more than my pride.

Anyway, do you think it is okay to apologise even when you're not sincere? Is this actually a good quality to have?

Also, a quick awkward scenario I put myself into the other week. I was retelling a joke to a few friends which involved an orphan. As I was getting near to the punchline, it hit me like a lightening shock and my face burnt up; I realised one of my friends who was in the vicinity had just recently lost his mother, and his father died some years ago. Anyway, I looked over and couldn't tell whether he was upset or not. I felt like a prick, but I was at the point of no return, and the joke must go on. Now I felt like apologising for being insensitive, but I was thinking that might draw even more attention to it and he might not be bothered anyway, so I didn't.

Anyway, everyone must have found themselves in this sort of awkward spot before, no? Do you apologise thus drawing more attention, or do you just keep schtum?

 

[tapero]

Hi, We all have different personalities. For some is very easy to say I'm sorry, and others very difficult. The one who finds it easy is not because they are less proud, is more likely is their personality style.

Though of course could be from having worked thru issues of pride, but often times the reason many things come so easily to some and not so to others is merely different personality styles.

So, one always need take care that what they feel is less sin than others, as is just natural for that person to not do whatever it is, than another person.

Self righteousness is downfall to those of us who have easy going personalities in regards to certain things, as we may tend to think we're better, when we've been this way all our lives.

Have a friend has temper tantrums, and aggravates me to know end that at 50 plus years old, still has em, and never sees the wrong of em, or never stops it, when bible clearly says to cut it out, (fits of rage)

But I have to be careful, because in my self righteousness which says hmm, i would never do so, or would stop if did, as bible says to stop etc.

However, would be self righteousness on my part; one, I've never had such a problem and two for thinking myself any better in any way.

On the joke, don't stress over it. If opportunity comes up and you feel to say, you know that joke i told other day wasn't really a right joke for me to tell.

When I mess up on telephone and then think about things and if recall to, will bring it up saying, i meant x but had said y. Or I shouldn't have said x when I did, was wrong, etc.

I've been told once is enough though. Meaning apologizing once as the more I speak of something, it can turn it into now they are really upset when never were in the first place of the social boo boo.

So is where I've been corrected; to say whatever, apology or whatever want to say on a matter, and then drop it.

 

[bliz]

I don't think most people consider themselves orphans once they are adults. Orphans are children. If it were otherwise, almost every adult would be an orphan. Still it might have bothered your friend, so it would be best to apologize to him for your choice of jokes.

I think most people do not apologize and do not do it well when they attempt to do it because this is not modeled for us or taught to us. Most children never hear their parents apologize to them because parents are often way too concerned about preserving some illusion that they are always right. Parents don't teach it other than to demand "Now say you're sorry!"

 

[stan1980]

I've been told once is enough though. Meaning apologizing once as the more I speak of something, it can turn it into now they are really upset when never were in the first place of the social boo boo.

That's true actually, one apology should always be enough, over doing it can make the situation worse, and can be irritating. Also, when receiving an apology, I feel you should accept it, move on, and not bring it up again.

 

[Ramona]

I only apologize when I mean it, but when I'm sincerely sorry for something wrong that I've done, I am quick to admit it and make attempts to rectify the situation.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Stan, don't leave us in suspense. Did your friend laugh?

Oddly enough, I've been in situations where someone was telling me such a joke and had to quietly tell me the punch line due to mixed company. I'm not much of a joke teller but I do appreciate irony.

 

[Polycarp_fan]

Why do some people find it so hard to apologise, and stick their hands up and admit they might have been in the wrong and say the word 'sorry'?

Apologizing for being wrong is often seen as a validation of too much of the other persons perspective. Sometimes all of it.

Anyway, do you think it is okay to apologise even when you're not sincere?

Sincere or happy about it? When you're wrong you're wrong. It's all according to how you farmed your opposing view.

[/quoteIs this actually a good quality to have?[/quote]

It is what it is.

Anyway, everyone must have found themselves in this sort of awkward spot before, no? Do you apologise thus drawing more attention, or do you just keep schtum?

You do not have to say you are sorry to apologize. Keeping silent is not going to change anything.

 

[yasic]

Delete this post

 

[MoonlessNight]

I think that when most people (including myself) have trouble apologizing it is because of a difficulty in admitting any culpability. What we are willing to say is "I feel bad about what happened" but not "because it is my fault." You see this in the number of apologies that go something like "I'm sorry but..." or "I apologize for what happened though if you'd see it from my perspective..." or start with a long explanation of the situation that only serves to make any actions that are being apologized for seem unobjectionable.

As to your more specific questions:

I don't think that it is a good idea to apologize when it isn't sincere. It comes across as fake and doesn't help anything. While I just said that I think apologies that have so many explanations and catches that they don't apologize for anything are flawed as well, they can usually be salvaged by only bringing up the stuff that the person is sincerely sorry for and believes that they are culpable, even if it makes the apology much shorter.

If the situation has passed without incident and what happened isn't that big of a deal I do think that it is probably better to forget it. If it becomes a pattern or if you find out that it really was a big deal for the other person (and it is easy to think that the other person doesn't care at all) then apologize when that comes up, but if someone apologizes for every little thing that they do wrong I think the apologies become less about their remorse and more about drawing attention to how good a person they are. That, or the person is just scrupulous and is obsessing only over the bad things that they do which is a problem.

 

[stan1980]

Stan, don't leave us in suspense. Did your friend laugh?

No, at least I didn't see him laugh. But he didn't look particularly bothered, though it was hard to say really.