Soooo Depressed

[racough]

Hi

I can barely write. I have been living on a dream trying to get into a MBA program. Not that I plan to be rich. Why an MBA. Because that is where my talents and interests lie. I cannot be a singer. I have been scrapping by with loans and handouts and God keeps putting up barriers on top of this. I am not a young man anymore. God surely, like Esau has chosen to hate me before I was born. I never had a chance. When I feel despondent people keep telling me about help lines--which are not Christian. What do I want to live for if I am going to be out in the street. God rewards atheists more that He helps me. Maybe I have committed blasphemy in that I do not care anymore. I keep hearing preachers talk about sinners enjoying a season of pleasure but then spending eternity in torment in Hell. They also speak of others being suffering on Earth but having eternal happiness in heaven for all of eternity. I also know some who enjoy life here on Earth who are Christians and will enjoy life forever in Heaven as well. How did I miss out. I am miserable on Earth and I know for sure, my faith without doubting, that I will never get to heaven. Since I am no good to go to heaven I should at least have a little bit of pleasure on Earth before I get to Hell. Would I be sensible to say to the devil "Look, God is not going to have me so I will worship you just get me a little pleasure before I get to hell." T

To you saints that may seem terrible but God loves you people and gives miraculous gifts and blessings to you all but to me, like Pharaoh, or Esau, I was doomed from the start. Yet He gives me a little blessing just to lead me along but with every blessing comes a trial. Now do not tell me that God is testing my faith. Does not He know all things? Even a fool like me can tell Him I will fail every test, as I have done so far, so why does He waste His times with tests that He knows, and so do I, the outcome?

I wish I was loved by God, and not only with empty phrases that the Bible had directed to others, but not me. You keep telling me "everyone" is mentioned here and there in the Bible. But does everyone mean me? No. I can remember when in the past I was invited to some function but I could see that I clearly was not wanted. Why was I invited. Because someone invited say all the workers, or students and I just happened to be in that group and the people doing the invitations would of felt awkward making me an exception, or perhaps they couldn't, but they really would give me the impression I should have not came. That is the way with the Bible. The writers did not put "except Rex" back in those days because it would have seemed awkward as Rex was not to be born until way after the Bible was written, but clearly God did not mean to include me in His promises.

You know I have been so angry at God that I out loud told the Holy Spirit to get out of my life. Now I dare anyone tell me that is forgivable. And what use is being forgiven when I am forgotten? People talk of the horrors of abortion that some babies never get to live. Like Judas, it would have been better that I was never born.

You guy can enjoy your fellowship with God and I guess you can have spiritual, and worldly, blessing now plus have eternal life. I wish that were true for me and I am not going to deceive myself anymore. I never had a chance.

Rex

 

[shelovesChrist]

Rex,

God's gifts are for everyone. And I know you might get discouraged when you hear on here that some of us had breakthroughs, but if He did it for me and others, He can do it for you too. I used to think the same way, that I was too unworthy and that I was doomed but you have to push through, even when everything feels wrong and you feel tired and the pains just feels like it's going to break you. He doesn't put more on us than we can bear. And like I've said before, don't get discouraged when the Lord blesses others because that does not limit or effect the blessings that He has in store for you. Yes I've had breakthroughs but if you could of felt the pain of those nights where all I could do is lay from the pain until I feel asleep, days where doubts aimed at every statement in the Bible, days where it felt as if I was on the verge, slipping and falling off the edge, but look at me now. Yes, there are still moments of pain but the Lord is doing a marvelous work in me and He can do the same for you. He was with Job when Job felt abandoned and even the Lord felt abandoned on the cross, but look at the outcome. He had to go through a lot for us to reach His ultimate glory but look how many He saved because of it all. Everyone has a purpose and God didn't simply create you for the heck of it, you have a plan, and you are precious to Him. And sometimes you might see other Christians happy but we all go through it, every single one of us in one form or another. Out of anger we say things to God sometimes, but He knows we are hurting and that we don't mean it and He will forgive. I've said things to my earthly mom out of anger and she forgave, how greater is our Father, who is merciful and compassionate, are our earthly parents greater than the most High? Sometimes it will be dark and you will feel alone and when all hope is lost, you still have to push through. I read this scripture the other day and it truly encouraged me. I hope it does the same for you. I am praying for you. Sorry if you feel like I didnt write enough, the labs close at 12 here, but just know that I am praying for you tonight. Be encouraged. Hang on in there. Look at what Paul went through, but the Lord was with him all the way, and He will be here for us too.

Romans[FONT=Arial,Helvetica][FONT=Arial,Helvetica] 8:18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us[/FONT][/FONT].

I was feeling your pain once and the Holy Spirit brough this to my remembrance:

John 16 :21 A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world.
22 And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you.

It is hard and sometimes we are weak, but He said ask and it shall be given, ask for forgiveness, ask for help, ask for strength, ask for direction, and guidance and He will give it to you. Pray and speak to Him from your heart Rexx, He is and He loves us so much. Even if we can't always feel it, that doesn't mean that His love for us has changed. I pray that He bring you light through this darkness and keep the enemy away from you, for He knows the pain in your heart. Don't give up, keep the faith in our Lord, and He will bring you out. When has He ever failed?

 

[RuthD]

God loves you always no matter what. Talk to him and he will listen. He is by your side awaiting your prayers and talks to him. Get closer to him and he will be closer to you. I hope you will be okay. God bless you.

 

[gracealone]

Hey Rex,
You are making an awful lot of assumptions about the inner torment, struggles and outward circumstances of every single person on this forum.
Furthermore, if you are so determined to walk away from God and feel that it's your best option why on earth would you be depressed about it?
I'm not in any way trying to minimize your suffering but you can be certain that you are not the first or the last Christian who has or is feeling and experiencing the things you are going through.
The book of Psalm is full of your pain. "How long O lord, will you forget me forever? How long O Lord will you keep hiding your face?... Please answer me! How long O Lord will I hear my enemy say he has triumphed over me?"
Remember the Cross. "Surely He has borne our grief and our sorrows."
"In the cross of Christ I glory - towering oe'r the wrecks of time".. and the wreck of what I call MY life, MY plans, MY time, etc.
The question of "why?" must often be left alone - and the affirmation of "who" He is and His willing suffering on my behalf must be the only stable foundation on which I plant my feet. Therefore.."Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."
The Cross affirms to me that He loves me.
The conquering that the Bible speaks of is not out side of suffering it is accomplished in and through suffering. "We are more than conquerer's IN all these things."
You need to follow Christ's example and "set your face like a flint", choose obedience, choose to serve and follow Him, not because it's easy but because He is worthy of your alliegance.
The other option. "Curse God and die." (quote: Mrs. Job) will not bring you peace. Despair is more often borne out of having every worldy blessing but still feeling empty inside without a purpose. Why do you suppose that the rich still suffer from drug abuse and alchoholism?
Are you getting professional help for your OCD? The faulty emotions of this disorder really wreak havoc with what we know deep down to be true as the intense and painful emotions really trump our logic.
I will be praying for you, for strength, grit, and perseverance to hold on to the only thing worth holding onto in this world.
"Forbid it Lord that I should boast - save in the death of Christ my God -all the vain things that charm me most - I sacrifice them to His blood."
Mitzi

Hi

I can barely write. I have been living on a dream trying to get into a MBA program. Not that I plan to be rich. Why an MBA. Because that is where my talents and interests lie. I cannot be a singer. I have been scrapping by with loans and handouts and God keeps putting up barriers on top of this. I am not a young man anymore. God surely, like Esau has chosen to hate me before I was born. I never had a chance. When I feel despondent people keep telling me about help lines--which are not Christian. What do I want to live for if I am going to be out in the street. God rewards atheists more that He helps me. Maybe I have committed blasphemy in that I do not care anymore. I keep hearing preachers talk about sinners enjoying a season of pleasure but then spending eternity in torment in Hell. They also speak of others being suffering on Earth but having eternal happiness in heaven for all of eternity. I also know some who enjoy life here on Earth who are Christians and will enjoy life forever in Heaven as well. How did I miss out. I am miserable on Earth and I know for sure, my faith without doubting, that I will never get to heaven. Since I am no good to go to heaven I should at least have a little bit of pleasure on Earth before I get to Hell. Would I be sensible to say to the devil "Look, God is not going to have me so I will worship you just get me a little pleasure before I get to hell." T

To you saints that may seem terrible but God loves you people and gives miraculous gifts and blessings to you all but to me, like Pharaoh, or Esau, I was doomed from the start. Yet He gives me a little blessing just to lead me along but with every blessing comes a trial. Now do not tell me that God is testing my faith. Does not He know all things? Even a fool like me can tell Him I will fail every test, as I have done so far, so why does He waste His times with tests that He knows, and so do I, the outcome?

I wish I was loved by God, and not only with empty phrases that the Bible had directed to others, but not me. You keep telling me "everyone" is mentioned here and there in the Bible. But does everyone mean me? No. I can remember when in the past I was invited to some function but I could see that I clearly was not wanted. Why was I invited. Because someone invited say all the workers, or students and I just happened to be in that group and the people doing the invitations would of felt awkward making me an exception, or perhaps they couldn't, but they really would give me the impression I should have not came. That is the way with the Bible. The writers did not put "except Rex" back in those days because it would have seemed awkward as Rex was not to be born until way after the Bible was written, but clearly God did not mean to include me in His promises.

You know I have been so angry at God that I out loud told the Holy Spirit to get out of my life. Now I dare anyone tell me that is forgivable. And what use is being forgiven when I am forgotten? People talk of the horrors of abortion that some babies never get to live. Like Judas, it would have been better that I was never born.

You guy can enjoy your fellowship with God and I guess you can have spiritual, and worldly, blessing now plus have eternal life. I wish that were true for me and I am not going to deceive myself anymore. I never had a chance.

Rex

 

[John B Jr.]

Rex I've felt that way too, just take it one day at a time and hang in there, find a Christian you admire or professional Christian counselor to meet with for encouragement. God will get you through this, just keep hanging in there.

 

[HoneyComb Son]

hello racough..what caught my eye is when you said. you told the Holy Spirit to get out of your life

im not gonna say much..but I have done this too.just so you know you are not alone..just so you know..Ive actually said worse..lol..I've called Him Satan and much to the like things like that..with demons...yet because I was angry

you are not alone.....

 

[kaykay9.0]

I agree with the others advice, and yes, I do think even what you said is forgivable when it occurs in the context or similar context of your situation (out of extreme frustration etc.) I also agree with Mitzi that you need to seek some professional help (including meds) if you have not done so. Go to the local ER if necessary if you are this despondent. Even if you don't have insurance or funds, I believe they will help you.

Also, I think we confuse God's love for the circumstances in our life. Job could well have said he was unloved by God but he didn't understand the spiritual dynamics really happening at the time. I think his story was in the Bible for a definite lesson about that. Praying for you.

 

[HoneyComb Son]

You have to want to serve God for yourself and want him...I know other people say because he is worthy of allieange and the like..I agree..but I know for some people we cant see that for ourselves

what I am saying..God wont force you nor control you..if you can..find a way..by God
I wont throw scriptures at you..nor tell you of Christ's suffering and how you should glory in them and that crap yadda yadda scripture about suffering etc..

all I can say to you for comfrot my friend..we are not alone..here is my hand I too have OCD and suffer greatly from other things

yet here I am..with you bearing it aswell..we both have different shoes to wear..but we can relate...God bless you I know whats it like to feel about walking away from God..not wanting Him etc

I hope love will touch you in a way..that will change you and your heart..to want God
I hope you can experience love..and what it truly is

God bless

 

[DestinyGrace]

May you find peace and joy if for only a minute at a time and step by step and breath by breath. Depression is deep and dark but when the Son does shine it is bright and high and beautiful. God bless you and keep you.

 

[shelovesChrist]

And if it helps, sometimes I don't have the desire to forgive but I know it's what the Lord wants and sometimes it might not happen right away but I pray and ask Him to give me the desire to forgive, and overtime I will be able to. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. He says ask and we shall receive and I have no doubt that if you ask Him to give you the desire to want to know Him and trust Him and believe Him that He will turn you away. God bless, still praying for you Rex.