Son sleeping with girlfriend

[heron]

You have a right to tell him how awkward it is for them to sleep together in your family home. You can't technically stop them, and he's 28, but maybe he just needs someone to say it -- you don't really need to be cleaning up their evidence.

 

[Gabe7]

He probably knows how you feel about it. You don't really know he did anything wrong. He could have made the bed. If this is what you have in your life to worry about maybe you are very blessed.

 

[Bain_Adaneth]

Xapiemom…
Hi, I'm writing back to correct something. I feel convicted because I said older people are wiser. Wrong, God convicted my heart today reminding me that old people can be fools too. The young can be wise, and the old can be fools. The thought kept going around in my head...so yeah I had to go back and correct myself. Thanks for your response. But yes, I would like to add that my parents and our parents have gone through life more than we have, so we can listen to their experiences and guidance, and put the scripture first, so that we make the correct choices. I've known a lot of older people, and some of them just want people to listen. We can learn a lot from them.

Don't listen to others on not having a say on whether or not your son should sleep with his girlfriend. It doesn't have to be your son, every Christian has a duty to confront a brother or sister's sins, and help them to repent and change. Anyone promoting or endorsing that it's okay to have sex out of marriage is sinning against God. There is no boundaries in preaching the gospel. There is no culture, society, nationality that the gospel cannot penetrate. I left behind my culture and religion to follow God. And the American Dream does not include God, but success, materialism and riches. And my flesh is battling with that everyday.

I never said that we are to force people, to make it clear to others in here....even if I forced a person physically to stay away from getting drunk....they will get drunk anyways in their own time and choice. But it is still my duty as a Christian to correct a brother or sister when they sin. Any brother or sister who sees me in sin and does not feel a need to help me repent does not love me.

It is very difficult, however it is the right thing that Christians must do. And that is what sets us apart from other people. You will see those "christians" who do a lot of talking, but when actions are needed they hide behind the curtain and let sin takes it's course. Because they care more about what people will think about them, or what's more acceptable in society. The norms of society changes all the time, but the Word of God never changes, and it is my firm foundation.

We should care more about what God is thinking of us. Glorify Him, be gentle, patient, and loving.

I know who loves me and who doesn't, based on their own words and actions.

 

[xapiemom]

Bain - Again, thank you for your thoughtful letter. You have wonderful insight and a lot of wisdom! I think I knew what I had to do when I first posted. I was a little in shock, a little hurt and a lot disappointed. I was looking for a shoulder, some comfort, and a lot of what you have said. I didn't think I would be chastised as I was. That didn't really help me a whole lot. Your words of wisdom have been some of the most helpful. I do see my son as an adult, and as an adult and a Christian I felt the need to confront him with what I found. I think I was also looking for some encouragement from fellow Christians. You were among the few that actually did have words of encouragement.

And actually, my husband did talk to our son. He says they are not sleeping together. I will take him at his word and leave it in God's hands to guide him in whatever decisions he makes about this woman. Thank you again, Bain for your kind and thoughtful words.

 

[heron]

He probably knows how you feel about it

Most kids know how their parents feel about issues from the time they are old enough to talk.

You have heard mixed viewpoints here, as would be expected from an open forum.

It is important to look to God and scriptures when making a decision that you expect to be scriptural and set within God's favor. There are many books and media preachers who teach firmly and resolutely -- but when it comes down to living with God as our source, even the influence of professionals is not necessarily the right answer. We each need to choose our own wise steps before God.

There are stories like Jesus' protectiveness in John 8, where a woman was caught in adultery.

And a verse where a decision was made after some time passed:
Acts 21:25 (and javascript:void('null');Acts 15)
"But concerning the Gentiles who have believed, we wrote, having decided that they should abstain from meat sacrificed to idols and from blood and from what is strangled and from fornication."

There are horrible reports in the Bible like Tamar raped by her brother Amnon, with their father angry in response-- but treating the son more like an annoyance than an accountable criminal. (As you know, OT stories like this do not provide commentary -- they are reports of what happened, not how things should be handled.)

1 Timothy 1:10 calls it "contrary to sound doctrine"

1 Corinthians 6:9 shows it as a block to the kingdom of God

In Ruth 3, Ruth slept all night at the feet of Boaz on the threshing floor.

But the focal point of the situation you face, is two-fold:

1. What terms you declare when a guest stays at your house


2. How you relate to an adult son who has been legally and spiritually responsible for all his decisions for over ten years.

Being in favor with God is not based on one person limiting the actions of another person. Jesus said that adultery in the heart is also a sin... so whether you're able to control the expression of his thoughts or not, does not quite make a difference in the eyes of God.

If you were preventing a murder or another offense against another person, that is a different matter. He is with his girlfriend by consent.

But I do think that any guests should be respectful of their hosts enough to not put them in an uncomfortable position. If a person can't restrain themselves for a day or two, they should get a hotel room. He is an adult making his own decision, but he is now a guest in your home. What he does outside your home is his decision.

He already knows much about the faith, and about your standards. A parent raises their children to make wise decisions toward successful independence. In doing so, they also need to allow for some trial and error... some falling out of the nest and flapping wings without soaring yet. Flying doesn't come by adult birds carrying the fledgling on their backs.

 

[Erenoth02]

I am also 28, and I fell into the same situation, maybe she really was not the right person for me.

But she wanted someone to sleep with at night and I saw no harm, we were both clothed and I would only hold her at night, It happened a few times at my parents home, she would sneak into my room and just fall asleep in my arms.

The problem was that before that she had the most terrible time sleeping alone, she came from a big family and slept with siblings in the same bed all of her life however when she left for college insomnia kicked in and no pill was enough to help her, then she met me, it happened a bit quick, once she found that I was a decent guy and felt that I was the right one, she invited me to stay with her, and asked me if I would mind sharing a bed once I arrived at her place. I refused and slept on the couch, but she came out late in the night and explained her situation.

She crawled into the couch with me, nothing happened and from then on we slept in the same bed, she became happy, cheerful, she was able to sleep again. My parents took it completely the wrong way, and insisted that she sleep in the house while I slept outside in their motor home which was locked, my dad slept on the couch to make sure she wouldn't sneak out.

When we left my parents and relatives all began to advise me against seeing her any longer, eventually she left me she said she couldn't take it and more and if my parents refused to believe us we would need to separate.

We became friends, distant ones, she started to have trouble sleeping again and became a major insomniac, eventually she met another guy, she believed he was decent, however one night he took advantage, and following that he left her with a baby. She moved back in with her parents and they are helping her to raise the child.

This is not everyone's story but sometimes a girl just wants someone to hold at night to feel secure and safe, or even just to sleep, its funny how God made us that way, I have met quite a number women who feel that way in my life, sadly many of them are willing to give up their body to share this with a man.

The funny thing is that in our entire relationship we never kissed, we didn't feel that it was right to kiss until after we set our relationship in stone. While I may one day try to visit her and see if we can work things out after I finish college, that probably not something that will actually happen. She would like another chance with me, however I do not think my family would ever be willing to back down now that she has a son with another man.

I think you were right to question yourself, not everything is as it seems, while they are the rare cases sometimes to people really are just being innocent together.

 

[Avniel]

I would definitely call him and make sure that he knows that you are not in agreement with what is going on because God is not in agreement. Not just because values or anything else, but because it is sin, and the wages of sin is death. He must know the Truth, and the Truth will set him free.

What agreement does she need to be in? He is 28, you don't think a 28 year old knows the difference between right and wrong?

 

[Avniel]

Bain - Again, thank you for your thoughtful letter. You have wonderful insight and a lot of wisdom! I think I knew what I had to do when I first posted. I was a little in shock, a little hurt and a lot disappointed. I was looking for a shoulder, some comfort, and a lot of what you have said. I didn't think I would be chastised as I was. That didn't really help me a whole lot. Your words of wisdom have been some of the most helpful. I do see my son as an adult, and as an adult and a Christian I felt the need to confront him with what I found. I think I was also looking for some encouragement from fellow Christians. You were among the few that actually did have words of encouragement.

And actually, my husband did talk to our son. He says they are not sleeping together. I will take him at his word and leave it in God's hands to guide him in whatever decisions he makes about this woman. Thank you again, Bain for your kind and thoughtful words.

But truthfully thats not your business....Its honestly not your concern you dont like your son's girlfriend at the end of the day its not you that is dating her. A parent has no business in a 28 year olds dating life that is between him her and God. But also now the girl pretty much knows what you think of her, let say they get married.........one day in the future if not sooner(he did take her to meet his parents) how do you think you and her relationship will be?

Thats why its best to let adults make relationship choices on their own.

Let say they don't get married and that was the road God wanted them to take. And your advice lead him off that path, then you can cause a lot more damage then God. You should have prayed for your son and prayed for the girl that God's will be done not yours.

 

[Avniel]

I am also 28, and I fell into the same situation, maybe she really was not the right person for me.

But she wanted someone to sleep with at night and I saw no harm, we were both clothed and I would only hold her at night, It happened a few times at my parents home, she would sneak into my room and just fall asleep in my arms.

The problem was that before that she had the most terrible time sleeping alone, she came from a big family and slept with siblings in the same bed all of her life however when she left for college insomnia kicked in and no pill was enough to help her, then she met me, it happened a bit quick, once she found that I was a decent guy and felt that I was the right one, she invited me to stay with her, and asked me if I would mind sharing a bed once I arrived at her place. I refused and slept on the couch, but she came out late in the night and explained her situation.

She crawled into the couch with me, nothing happened and from then on we slept in the same bed, she became happy, cheerful, she was able to sleep again. My parents took it completely the wrong way, and insisted that she sleep in the house while I slept outside in their motor home which was locked, my dad slept on the couch to make sure she wouldn't sneak out.

When we left my parents and relatives all began to advise me against seeing her any longer, eventually she left me she said she couldn't take it and more and if my parents refused to believe us we would need to separate.

We became friends, distant ones, she started to have trouble sleeping again and became a major insomniac, eventually she met another guy, she believed he was decent, however one night he took advantage, and following that he left her with a baby. She moved back in with her parents and they are helping her to raise the child.

This is not everyone's story but sometimes a girl just wants someone to hold at night to feel secure and safe, or even just to sleep, its funny how God made us that way, I have met quite a number women who feel that way in my life, sadly many of them are willing to give up their body to share this with a man.

The funny thing is that in our entire relationship we never kissed, we didn't feel that it was right to kiss until after we set our relationship in stone. While I may one day try to visit her and see if we can work things out after I finish college, that probably not something that will actually happen. She would like another chance with me, however I do not think my family would ever be willing to back down now that she has a son with another man.

I think you were right to question yourself, not everything is as it seems, while they are the rare cases sometimes to people really are just being innocent together.

Exactly its not about what we see cause we can't see what God see's. Maybe that was actually God's will, maybe God sent you to her so she could get a peaceful sleep. Maybe your parents threw her and you off the path that the Lord wanted you and her to walk together. I feel sad for and your family. No sin goes unpunished

 

[roseglass6370]

I'd like to point out too that it may be best to take your son's words at face value. I noticed that you said you "weren't convinced" when he said that they weren't sleeping together. I'm fairly confident that my parents are at times "not convinced" that I'm not sleeping with my boyfriend (although they never lead on that they don't believe me because they do trust me...I just think they still just have suspicions at times.) If you raised your son in the Godly way that you claim you did, you need to trust him. They may have just shared a bed and not had sex. Although some people may disagree with this, for the sake that temptation may get in the way, I have slept in the same bed as my boyfriend before (three times, actually) and we've never had sex. We just cuddle and fall asleep. We have made a concerted effort to not make a habit of this because temptation is a very real threat, but it has happened before and we have never had sex. We know it's simply not an option for us.

I don't think he should have disrespected your wishes by sharing a bed with her in your home, but I also think he could very well be telling the truth about their not having sex. He is an adult and while I do think it is of some value to remind him of what the Lord expects from all of us, I don't think it is your place to chastise him or accuse him when he has clearly said that they are not having sex. (Not saying you have done that, just a reminder.) Believe him and pray for him instead.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Traveller and Wiley]

He brought her home to meet us over the weekend and it wasn't until I went to change the sheets in the guest rooms that I realized they were sleeping together because his bed was not slept in. I'm hurt and disappointed that (1) he's sleeping with her (2) he violated our home and values by sleeping with her here. That's part one of the problem.

If he's a guest in your home, then you have every right to explain to him that you don't allow that in your home.

Have you shared the Gospel with him?

 

[heron]

I'd like to point out too that it may be best to take your son's words at face value.

If you believe in discretion about sexual activity, and keeping information private about what goes on in relationships, then not bringing up the topic with them would be respectful.