Someone please help me!

[localhawaiiboy]

I recently broke up with my live in girlfriend, of 1 and half years, this past saturday (05/12/07). The relationship has been rocky these last few months and ended because she kept threatening to leave and move back with her mom. It was her way of controlling the situation and trying to get her way. She tried to control situations where she didnt like what i was doing. Example being me going out with my friends (at all), saying the wrong things, not doing what she told me, etc. I felt I was the only one trying to make the relationship work because everything I did for her was never good enough. She never seemed happy and if she was, she never showed it. I finally gave in to her threat to move back with her mom and let her go. She totally moved out that Sunday (05/13/07) and back with her mom.

Now she wants to come back to me and start over. Her reasoning for trying to push me away ( she openly admitted throughout our relationship that she was trying to accomplish this ) was that she was scared. Scared to lose me, scared that I wasn't serious with her. This was untrue of course because i would always talk about the future like buying a house together or moving to San Fran with me (which i'm doing in July) and getting married and so forth. Now she says she realizes her mistakes and wants to start over and try to make up for them. She swears she'll change and keeps apologizing to me everyday. I told her I need my space to think but she just won't let me have it. I work with her too so that doesn't help cause i see her everyday.

Another thing to add to the dilemma is that another woman came along who is in the exact same situation as me. We ended up hanging out right after I broke up with my gf.

The problem is is I still love my ex gf with all my heart. I miss her more everyday too. I just can't go back to her if things are going to be the same. I don't know if i believe her enough to chance that the same thing will happen again. I want to know that the same stuff won't happen ever again. She says that it won't but i just dont know. All I know is that I'm so confused because i want to say to her and take her back but at the same time I don't because I'm scared. This other woman that came along seems perfect too for the time being so that is making it more difficult.

If i go back to my ex gf i want it to be for the right reasons and not the wrong one's. I dont wanna go back just to stop her from hurting (which is what i really wanna do). I cant stand to see her this way because it hurts me just as much as it hurts her. She's putting herself way out there trying to get me back and i really want to give her a second chance yet i have a chance at a new beginning and some freedom right now.

Sorry this is so long but i cant sleep and i cant eat and i need help guys. For everyone who's made it this far reading thanks for taking the time to care about a total strangers life.

Please pm me with your thoughts.

What should I do?

May God bless and love you all.

Aloha!

 

[tessas212]

Okay, this is only an opinion of a young person that is still very much ignorant and inexperienced in life.. but it does come with a bit of experience.

My current boyfriend and I actually hadn't talked for nearly 6 months before we finally began to talk again, and only weeks later we made it official as a couple. Even only as "friends", no titles attached and refused to acknowledge that we were more than friends, the relationship and love was still there, just without the physical actions such as hugging, holding hands, displays of affection. What happened was both of us had a lot of growing up to do. We both wanted to be right. We were young and proud and didn't know how to make it in a relationship. It didn't help that I grew up with a bad past and that effected me a lot oat times, making me bitter and lash out at the world. This is where we stopped talking. It was so hard. I htought I'd never be friends with him again. I thought I'd never see him again.

But it was the best thing that could have happened for the both of us. We both had things to learn. The love, no matter how many months we did not talk, it was always there. We always loved each other, and even if we might have held on to some resentment and frustration for awhile, both of us always acknowledged that we still loved each other.

In that time we did not talk, I was able to sort things out in my life.. I was able to get better, learn some things.. become better and healthier in my relationships with others, and even the way I treated myself. And now.. well, its been absoluutely wonderful ever since. The love that we share, how accepting and patient we are with each other. We both remember how much it hurt during those months.. and the biggest thing I fear is hurtin ghim again. I love him and never would want to do that to him again. We actually did get into our first arguement about God(the same thing that pushed us apart before),.. and though there was a bit of frustration, we were able to talk it out and we are back to the giddy, overjoyed and in love young couple.

So, that was my experience. And by sharing that, I guess what I was hoping to get across is that sometimes.. sometimes God plans some long hurtful times away from each other in order to make us learn some lessons. Maybe she's got her own ghosts to deal with.. and if the love is still there.. just maybe.. maybe when teh time is right it will all come back together.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

That's a tough situation, and it is really hard to say "this is right, this is wrong" If the new girl was out of the picture would you take your ex back? Do not take her back only because you feel bad for her, and because she's hurting. You need to consider yourself at this point. You will both get over it. It is not good to be in a controlling relationship. You are both individuals. Personally, I think it is unlikely that she will change because for a lot of people that is their personality, and they have acted like that forever and can not be easily changed. My best advice is to take a break from both girls (take time off work if necessary, and possible) and just consider your options, your heart, and God's will for your life.

 

[localhawaiiboy]

thx two both of you for responding.

as of now, i am still having a hard time dealing with this entire situation. i still love my ex and care about her a lot. i wanna take her back but at the same time i dont wanna take her back. when i think of the good times i always think of the bad times. when i think of the bad times i always think of the good times. its a real fight in my mind everyday.

im trying as hard as possible to keep my mind off of her but it just doesnt work. when im hanging out with the other girl i can help but think of my ex.

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

any other things you guys can say to help comfort me and clear my confusion?

god bless!

localhawaiiboy

 

[Holy Warrior]

Maybe worthwhile talking to your ex, and telling her you still like her, but aren't in a position to recommit just now. Even without the other woman, you're moving away in a couple of months. Try just being friends, take some time to see if she's honestly willing to change, and see what happens when you move away.

Seriously, for all you know the perfect woman is waiting in San Fran for you to sweep her off her feet!

 

[Monaleezza]

Firstly take the other woman out of the equation.
It seems clear that she would be your "rebound" and it wouldn't be fair to get involved with her.
If this was all about her you'd have opened the discussion with, "I've met a woman I want to be with but..." Instead the debate is "My ex wants me back!" And that is your focus.
So focus on that and eliminate any other compliations, at least for the time being.

If you do decide you do or you don't want your ex back my advice would be DON'T RUSH!
What is the rush?

Test the waters! Tell her that you'll meet her twice weekly for lunch (as you work together) and one a week on an evening and that's it. In this time you'll see whether she (or indeed either of you) has changed.

Then you're in a better position to make a decision.
Keep your eyes on God and let Him lead your decision making. You may not hear His voice immediately. SO don't be afraid to wait!

 

[Bky1]

I agree with Monaleezza, you are treating the new girl you've met badly, if you can not stop thinking about your ex then you aren't ready to move on. I'm not saying to go straight back into the same kind of relationship with your ex but just be fair to the girl you have met.

You also need to think hard about your reletionship with your ex, there is no guarantee that she would stop being controlling, harsh as it sounds maybe you should make this move on your own and start again.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

DO NOT take her back. Getting along is not the mark of how well a relationship will go - its how you two handle the disagreements. You two couldnt handle them, and now she is erasing the tracks because you dumped her, which took the ball out of her court and put it into yours. A power struggle does not a good relationship make, and that is what this is. Be single for awhile and use that time to allow to move past her.

 

[localhawaiiboy]

thanks again for all the insights and advice on my situation.

the situation has become more and more complicated by the day. even though i have all this great advice from you guys i am still very much confused and feel so empty inside.

i will just continue to look to the lord and you guys (my fellow christians) for love and support and hopefully the answer will come to me soon.

take care and god bless!

 

[Pennelope]

Some random thoughts from my experience:

* First commenter is wise beyond years.
* Big question is: Has anything changed that will make you and your ex more able to establish a mutually-loving, respectful relationship where you each try to serve each other? If either of you has under-the-surface needs that are providing the glue that keeps you together (like might come from a rough upbringing, for example), I don't see that working out well.

It's not surprising that you feel bad. Even though you had a rocky road, you weren't alone. Even negative stuff means someone is with you. But please believe me, staying in a relationship like that can be mongo destructive. Taking some time to intentionally deal with self-development first might make a big difference, I'm thinking.

Just my $.02

 

[LongLegs]

Sounds like a major Control Freak .... It only gets worse if you stay with her.

Kathy

 

[localhawaiiboy]

Okay, this is only an opinion of a young person that is still very much ignorant and inexperienced in life.. but it does come with a bit of experience.

My current boyfriend and I actually hadn't talked for nearly 6 months before we finally began to talk again, and only weeks later we made it official as a couple. Even only as "friends", no titles attached and refused to acknowledge that we were more than friends, the relationship and love was still there, just without the physical actions such as hugging, holding hands, displays of affection. What happened was both of us had a lot of growing up to do. We both wanted to be right. We were young and proud and didn't know how to make it in a relationship. It didn't help that I grew up with a bad past and that effected me a lot oat times, making me bitter and lash out at the world. This is where we stopped talking. It was so hard. I htought I'd never be friends with him again. I thought I'd never see him again.

But it was the best thing that could have happened for the both of us. We both had things to learn. The love, no matter how many months we did not talk, it was always there. We always loved each other, and even if we might have held on to some resentment and frustration for awhile, both of us always acknowledged that we still loved each other.

In that time we did not talk, I was able to sort things out in my life.. I was able to get better, learn some things.. become better and healthier in my relationships with others, and even the way I treated myself. And now.. well, its been absoluutely wonderful ever since. The love that we share, how accepting and patient we are with each other. We both remember how much it hurt during those months.. and the biggest thing I fear is hurtin ghim again. I love him and never would want to do that to him again. We actually did get into our first arguement about God(the same thing that pushed us apart before),.. and though there was a bit of frustration, we were able to talk it out and we are back to the giddy, overjoyed and in love young couple.

So, that was my experience. And by sharing that, I guess what I was hoping to get across is that sometimes.. sometimes God plans some long hurtful times away from each other in order to make us learn some lessons. Maybe she's got her own ghosts to deal with.. and if the love is still there.. just maybe.. maybe when teh time is right it will all come back together.

i know it's been a while but i wanted to thank you for this response. i just came on the forums and re-read how i was feeling during that time and your response and it make me want to cry again. i still have love for my ex. she has someone new and i ended up staying with that girl i met. i know the love is still there between both of us and hopefully everything works out for us.

please feel free to message me anytime.

i hope to hear from you soon.