Someone help me....

[4everfalling]

Someone please help me or at least give me some kind of encouragement. I just spent the past week hospitalized because I almost suceeded in taking my life. Everything feels blurry and sometimes I feel like Ive been put inside a blender and spun around a few dozen times. I am so confused about feelings and mylsef. I have no idea whats going on inside me or my head most of the time. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder this past week. I know a bit about it. My family are not supportive and they are making things more difficlt and accusing me of wanting them to just fix me when im not trying. THey have no idea what this is like for me. I am try9ing. I am alive today. I got up today. I didn't cut today. I didn't throw up lunch todayl. I went outside today. I smiled today. I walked today. I didn't OD today. THat is amazing for me but why dont' they see that. I see that as being proud of mylsef when most of the time I feel like a failure....so even thats an accomplishment...but no...

I feel like Im in prison....i really do...A coupel months ago I was sexually assaulted too...so all those feelings are mixed up in the rest of these....im going to burst...i havn't cut in now 9 months minus one time....but I want to really badly....i feel hopeles....i tried writing...I hate this...I dont want to be BPD....it makes me sound like a horrible person...

all these events all these feelings I cant' match them up...i dont even know which goes with what...my counsellors dont even like to address it cause they are confused...they always avoid it or dodge the questions when i bring it up God i need a hug...

Ifeel so confused and lost adn desperate but its not going to end....it feels like it constantly lasts forever...and i have a million things against me

 

[madison1101]

I do not know what qualifications your counselors have, but I would urge you to find a licensed psychotherapist who is either a psychologist or licensed social worker, and make sure they understand personality disorders.

It is not your fault you have BPD. BPD is a collection of symptoms that are common in people who have had certain traumas in childhood, usually accompanied by some sort of sexual assault or molestation.

It also sounds as if you are eating disordered, in that you mentioned not throwing up. Have you sought treatment for that?

I am recovered from BPD. It was not easy. It was not pretty. I lost my marriage as a result of my BPD. I am also finally losing weight after being morbidly obese for decades. I am also a recovering alcoholic.

I strongly urge you to get a good therapist, one who is not afraid to work with BPD. I have been blessed to have one for almost 18 years now. He has helped me change my terrible acting out behaviors, and make some positive changes in my life.

There is hope. If you need to talk, PM me and I will give you my private e-mail address.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[englishsunset]

To me, it's good you can write these things. Funny, I have been on the receiving end of an ex-wife of 29 years who shows all the symptoms of BPD, but never would seek help.
All my life I have been a student of life. You cannot imagine how many various stages I've been in. I also have eight children, who are very unique from one another, also very intense.
My observation is this:
Honesty and humility can open doors you never knew existed. To me, it seems as though many disorders have their root in a lack of self-acknowledgment and humility. That is not to presume anything at all about you. Just my observation and personal experience.
You are alive! You sure don't need to cut to know that!
Faith can often require step by step adherence to a known pathway. That path can lead to newness of life and inspiration and healing.
I even wrote an ebook about my experiences with regard to BPD. It's called The Secrets Inside. You could probably google it, I'm not sure. It is available on a site called stress-familyhealth dot net
I wish you the best and feel for you, I really do.
A big hug!

 

[JoshuaM]

Borderline Personality Disorder is very common. You might ask your family if they will be willing to read about it to help them understand your perception of things.

there is a site that has some good information at http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml

some good books for people with friends or family with BPD are "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when somebody you know has Borderline Personality Disorder" (something like that) to help communication and understanding. There is another called "i hate you don't leave me"

I am reading Stop Walking On Eggshells and I believe it helps me understand a close friend of mine with BPD.

BPD persons often see persons as either ultimate heroes, or ultimate evil.. Usually BPD persons do not see persons as somebody with both strengths and weaknesses despite that everybody has both..

Borderline Personality Disorder stems from the following:

• Sensitivities in regulation of emotions
• control of impulses grounded in the biology of the brain
• environmental factors
• often BPD sufferers are abuse survivors

Often persons involved with Borderline Personality Disorder persons deal with these scenarios (keep in mind this isn't BPD persons, it is what Stop Walking on Eggshells says about people that are dealing with BPD personality. So do not take this the wrong way). :

• the people close to the BPD person feel anything they say or do will be twisted against them
• sometimes the persons involved with the BPD person may try to avoid talking about some things including thoughts and feelings to avoid horrible arguments.
• a person who knows a BPD person may become the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages, alternating with periods when the BPD person acts normal and loving
• a person may feel like the BPD person is manipulating them, controlling them, or lying to them
• a person who is involved with a BPD person often is accused of things never done or said
• a person involed with a BPD person may feel as if the BPD person views them as completely good or completely bad.
• nobody believes the person who talks about what is going on between them and the BPD person

Yes people on the outside will judge. But the most important thing is God loves you. Nothing is worth taking your life sister. If you are suffering from BPD and you have days that you are able to overcome your BPD even to the smallest degree that means you are not a failure. Don't give up. there are a lot of other people on here who also suffer from BPD. You are not alone.

 

[cory533]

4ever,
I will pray for you.
I am married to a woman with BPD and yes it can be rough. but I love her and God gives me strength in the rough times. You will/have heard a lot of negative garbage about how it's incurable "they never change" etc.well forget that! There is hope! people do get better. If your councilors don't seem to get it find one who is trained and experienced in BPD. Some are idiots others won' handle BPD because it means they have to work for their money and it's not a quick fix kind of thing. In my wifes case she got diagnosed in november or early Dec she got on meds got a new councilor we had a few rough months but she is getting better. sometimes it's only a small victory like when she holds her toung when she want's to unload.but the little things do add up.You can get better.It's a long hard road but keep moving a little at a time and you will get there. one last bit of advice learn to pray, like real hardcore wrestle with God kind of prayer He can handle the rages He loves you he made you he wants you fixed.He knows how wonderful you really are even when you don't feel like it.
God bless you, may He give you his grace and peace,
Cory

 

[Jesusismylife83]

I myself have delt with many of the issues you are currently going through. I have been in hospital, cut, overdosed and have had so many hopeless times I thought I was going to never get out of the hole. Let me tell you, as you know, it's a deep hole. BUT!.....the Lord and His Mighty strength will keep you safe, make you better and help you get your life back on track. I am living proof (thank the Lord) that it can be done. SOME GREAT NEWS....I was led to an amazing Dr. who assured me that as you get older you can grow out of BPD. My strongest recommendation to you is to grab a hold of your Bible, and let the Lord guide you to what He wants you to read. Also, as hard as it is to even get out of bed, try to go to a church that shares the gospel of Christ. That will help you release tears and pain. When it hurts this bad cry out to the Lord. He wants you to talk to Him and He is always there to help. I am here anytime you need to talk. Send me an email with questions and concerns you have. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep me updated on how you are feeling. God Bless you!

In Christ

Cass

 

[jayebrownlee]

I have BPD and I want to say that I don't think BPD is curable but I do think that we can learn much better coping strategies that help us to cope and make our lives much more "normal"

this site gives an indication of the DSMIV criteria for diagnosing BPD wikipedia - I have probably experienced all of these at one time or another

anyway, they can be coped with. I am currently reciving intensive psychotherapy (I think that may have a different meaning here in the UK to in America - think Freud) at a Therapuetic Community - it is tough and I have had to pretty much put "life" on hold for the two or so years that I will be there but even now, 4 months in, I can see things changing, slowly

Anyway, stay true to God, He'll see you through

Jay

 

[cory533]

Cure may be a reletive term. Some people are completely cured. many may still have some residual symptoms and anxieties but they certainly can be cured to the point the orrigional diagnosis does not apply any more. It's not just about learning coping skills and keeping it all "under control", or hidden.at least as far as I have been able to find out through research.

 

[jayebrownlee]

I suppose what I meant was that although you may not "have" BPD any more the ways we thought are still there however deep they are buried and we (I) need to keep an eye on thought processes to make sure they are not becoming BPD again

Jay

 

[madison1101]

I have BPD and I want to say that I don't think BPD is curable but I do think that we can learn much better coping strategies that help us to cope and make our lives much more "normal"

this site gives an indication of the DSMIV criteria for diagnosing BPD wikipedia - I have probably experienced all of these at one time or another

anyway, they can be coped with. I am currently reciving intensive psychotherapy (I think that may have a different meaning here in the UK to in America - think Freud) at a Therapuetic Community - it is tough and I have had to pretty much put "life" on hold for the two or so years that I will be there but even now, 4 months in, I can see things changing, slowly

Anyway, stay true to God, He'll see you through

Jay

I used to have BPD as a diagnosis and I no longer have it. My current diagnosis is Personality Disorder (NOS). To have the diagnosis of BPD, one must exhibit the behavioral symptoms still. I no longer meet the criteria to be diagnosed with it.

 

[cory533]

I suppose what I meant was that although you may not "have" BPD any more the ways we thought are still there however deep they are buried and we (I) need to keep an eye on thought processes to make sure they are not becoming BPD again

Jay

I Can agree that in many if not most cases that would be true to some extent. we all can fall back into bad habits even habits of bad thought. sorry if I seemed abrupt I just want to make sure people know there is hope.

 

[jesuispropre]

I was diagnosed with borderline disorder a few years back, but what I did to get over the hump, was just forget about the label and live my life by God's standards. I know in life, things are a lot easier said than done. I know it seems unbearable almost everyday, but God loves you! He loves you more than words can describe. God loves you so much, you can't even begin to imagine how great His love is for you. Your thoughts are creating your actions. To get out of the depressing lifestyle I was leading, I had to stop thinking about the pain. I had to focus my thoughts on other things. I dove right into my bible everyday and every night. I studied God's word, I prayed like no one's ever prayed, I wish I had gone to church. Church had always kept me alive. It wasn't ever the people, it was always the music and the message that was spoken that day. I was never really too fond of people. I always kept to myself, I was very shy. Mom and dad always told me I needed friends, good Christian people in my life. I was always one to think you didn't need church to have God in your life the way he was meant to be. Fellowship was terrible to me. I didn't want to force myself to socialize, I was very anti-social. I still am. It's gotten worse. But, that's the thing. Things only get worse if you let them, they only appear to get worse if you keep those thoughts alive in your mind. Don't let the devil fool you into thinking you're worth nothing. You're worth more than gold, more than rubies. You were bought at a price, my friend. You are loved. I love you, and I'm praying for you. Wherever you may be today, or tomorrow. Just remember, you are loved. Whatever it may be, mood swings, temptations to get rid of food or cut. I've been there. Through it all. I know you're not having fun. So why continue? Let God restore your soul. God bless you.