Soliciting Advice About A Personal Situation.

[catlover]

I am soliciting advice from you folks because I respect your POV about many theological matter. I would like a Christian point of view on this situation.

I have had a history of problems with my mother.

To begin with, she has a friend who is a drunkard. This "friend" has bad mouthed me, my husband, and my children.

This "friend" at a gathering for my brother's wedding accused me of turning my five month old son into a ,"...[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] like his father.." because I wanted to warm up my son's formula which was on ice.

She, this "friend" of my mother's has taken delight in smoking near my infant son and enjoying my discomfort of the situation.

Every Christmas, when I visit my mother, my mother has attempted to put me on the telephone with this "friend". This year she suceeded with putting me on the telephone with this "friend". Of course this drunkard bad mouthed my husband, I was brief, polite but got off the phone on the excuse I needed to "get something" from my car.

About four days ago, my mother, when I telephoned her, she was drunk and stated, "...I could have raised dogs and horses rather than children..."
I have kept my internet on so she cannot call me. I have changed my screen names on AOL so she can not contact me through I.M.

I checked my other screen name and in my e-mail box was an e-mail titled: " I Am Sorry You Misunderstood Me". I did not open the e-mail. I feel that is a lame appology and really do not want anything to do with her anymore. I realize my mother wants to hang out with her "friend" and may have something in common with this person. That something in common I want nothing to do with anymore.

Please let me know what I should do.

 

[woobadooba]

I am soliciting advice from you folks because I respect your POV about many theological matter. I would like a Christian point of view on this situation.

I have had a history of problems with my mother.

To begin with, she has a friend who is a drunkard. This "friend" has bad mouthed me, my husband, and my children.

This "friend" at a gathering for my brother's wedding accused me of turning my five month old son into a ,"...[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] like his father.." because I wanted to warm up my son's formula which was on ice.

She, this "friend" of my mother's has taken delight in smoking near my infant son and enjoying my discomfort of the situation.

Every Christmas, when I visit my mother, my mother has attempted to put me on the telephone with this "friend". This year she suceeded with putting me on the telephone with this "friend". Of course this drunkard bad mouthed my husband, I was brief, polite but got off the phone on the excuse I needed to "get something" from my car.

About four days ago, my mother, when I telephoned her, she was drunk and stated, "...I could have raised dogs and horses rather than children..."
I have kept my internet on so she cannot call me. I have changed my screen names on AOL so she can not contact me through I.M.

I checked my other screen name and in my e-mail box was an e-mail titled: " I Am Sorry You Misunderstood Me". I did not open the e-mail. I feel that is a lame appology and really do not want anything to do with her anymore. I realize my mother wants to hang out with her "friend" and may have something in common with this person. That something in common I want nothing to do with anymore.

Please let me know what I should do.

Well, what makes no sense to me at all is why your mother would even want to put you in the path of someone who has caused you a great deal of emotional distress, and without remorse nonetheless!

If I were you I would accept your mother's apology. However, I would inform her about certain boundaries that ought not to be crossed. She ought to know that you don't want anything to do with this "friend" of hers, and that if she persists in trying to get you to befriend this person (accept this person's abuse), that you will back off and have nothing to do with either of them.

Your mother shouldn't allow people to treat you like this. You are her child; and even though you are of age she ought to continue to protect your interests. That is what a loving mother ought to do.

By her allowing her so-called "friend" to do this to you, it is almost equal to her doing it herself. It is abuse, and it must stop. Why she would have anything to do with this "friend" of hers while knowing that she is abusing her precious child is beyond me!

Your mother needs to wake up and realize that any "friend" who abuses her child is really no friend at all!

You were not brought into this world to be abused, but loved. Always remember that.

 

[Sophia7]

I agree with Woob. If your mother won't respect certain boundaries, you probably will have to cut off contact. Does your mother have an addiction to alcohol, also? It kind of sounds like she might from what you describe.

 

[catlover]

I agree with Woob. If your mother won't respect certain boundaries, you probably will have to cut off contact. Does your mother have an addiction to alcohol, also? It kind of sounds like she might from what you describe.

Yes, she has had a drinking problem.

 

[tall73]

Would she be likely to respond to a family intervention?

 

[catlover]

I thank the online Adventist community for always giving Biblical advice and warm support to me.

I thank-you, Sophia and Woo for your responoses and support.

I ask you keep my family and my mother in your prayers.

God bless you.

 

[catlover]

Would she be likely to respond to a family intervention?

Probably not, my dad died 5 years ago and my brother is civil to her but keeps his distance. I will tell her politely to seek AA and go to church on a regular basis, but it will fall on deaf ears.

 

[tall73]

Probably not, my dad died 5 years ago and my brother is civil to her but keeps his distance. I will tell her politely to seek AA and go to church on a regular basis, but it will fall on deaf ears.

Hm, yeah you can only help so much.

Here is a quote that comes to mind in such situations:

Rom 12:17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
Rom 12:18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Paul recognized that it is not always possible to live at peace. Some simply don't want it. All we can do is our part.

You have a command to honor your father and mother. And you have a command to forgive those and pray for those who hurt you. And it sounds like you are trying to do all of those things.

But you don't have a command to keep putting yourself is a situation where you will be hurt.

How directly have you spoken to your mom about her friend?

The boundaries issue is a big one. In our case we basically used an ultimatum with one family member. If you don't act like decent human bieng you won't see us.

That particular family member ( by their standards anyway) was pretty decent last time they visited us.

 

[Sophia7]

I'll keep your family in my prayers, catlover.

 

[catlover]

Hm, yeah you can only help so much.

Here is a quote that comes to mind in such situations:

Rom 12:17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
Rom 12:18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Paul recognized that it is not always possible to live at peace. Some simply don't want it. All we can do is our part.

You have a command to honor your father and mother. And you have a command to forgive those and pray for those who hurt you. And it sounds like you are trying to do all of those things.

But you don't have a command to keep putting yourself is a situation where you will be hurt.

How directly have you spoken to your mom about her friend?

The boundaries issue is a big one. In our case we basically used an ultimatum with one family member. If you don't act like decent human bieng you won't see us.

That particular family member ( by their standards anyway) was pretty decent last time they visited us.

Tall73 That is sage advice and good Scripture. The Scripture did rebuke me, I admit. I should not be taking my telephone off the hook etc.


Sometimes ultimatums help. I don't know why people have to get those to "wake up" and be polite.

I believe I will write her a polite letter and explain to her that saying she could have raised dogs and horses as much as she raised children was hurtful. along with that I will simply suggest, politely, AA and tell her she should try attending some regular church services.

 

[catlover]

You were not brought into this world to be abused, but loved. Always remember that.

Thank-you, for that bit of advice. It is good to see that Woo!

 

[capnator]

Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Rom 12:14Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.

Treat her how you would want God to treat you!

John 13:34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 35 By this shall all [men] know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

The only way you can do something like that is through the power of the spirit living in you, pray for the strength to be like Christ in every situation.

 

[Jimlarmore]

I am a recovering alcoholic ( sober for 14 years now) so I speak with some experience on this. If your mother is an alcoholic and it sounds as though she probably is ,,,then there are some things you should know. As long as she practices this addiction she will not think as a normal person does. The way a mother should think and do is not what she will do in all cases. The point at issue here is a prime example of that. Alcoholics hurt those around them ,,,,,,period. What I would suggest you do is go to an alanon meeting in your area. They should have non-smoking meetings if you live in or near a large city that would be comfortable for you. These meetings will educate you real fast on what living with or around alcholism does and what you can do to not only help your mom but help you and your family as well as this situation developes. The sad thing is that if she doesn't get help with this problem eventually she will either die from complications or become what we call a wet brain and require institutionalization.

There's some great help out there available for her. I think AA is God's way of saving the drunks of the world. It's a very spiritual program and I think the 12 step programs were inspired of God.

I will pray for you and your mom.

Holy Father, today we lift up our friend catlover and her mom to You. Lord we ask you to heal the wounded hurts that have cut deep into this mother daughter relationship. Father we know that mom has a sickness of alcoholism and that it is going to kill her eventually if she doesn't stop. Lord please help her to see what she is doing and at least reach out for the help that is available. Grant this little family Your peace Lord and let them know Your awesome love.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

God Bless
Jim Larmore

 

[woobadooba]

Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Rom 12:14Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.

Treat her how you would want God to treat you!

John 13:34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. 35 By this shall all [men] know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

The only way you can do something like that is through the power of the spirit living in you, pray for the strength to be like Christ in every situation.

Yes, but even Christ made His boundaries blatantly clear. We are to love our enemies, but that doesn't mean we have to let them abuse us and our family.

It was Christ who said, "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." (Mat 7:6 KJV)

It would not be out of place to cease to communicate with a mother, or even a father for that matter, who allows her/his friends to abuse her/his children.

 

[Cliff2]

catlover

So sorry to hear of problems with your mother.

I will keep my reply brief but there is one thing that I would not out up with and that is smoke around your baby.

If they cannot repect you they should at least repect the rights of a baby.

The baby cannot get up and move away, you can.

But it seems that they smoke in front of the baby to get back at you.

I would not visit them while they are doing that.

Yout baby's health is far too important to have that done to it.

 

[catlover]

I am a recovering alcoholic ( sober for 14 years now) so I speak with some experience on this. If your mother is an alcoholic and it sounds as though she probably is ,,,then there are some things you should know. As long as she practices this addiction she will not think as a normal person does. The way a mother should think and do is not what she will do in all cases. The point at issue here is a prime example of that. Alcoholics hurt those around them ,,,,,,period. What I would suggest you do is go to an alanon meeting in your area. They should have non-smoking meetings if you live in or near a large city that would be comfortable for you. These meetings will educate you real fast on what living with or around alcholism does and what you can do to not only help your mom but help you and your family as well as this situation developes. The sad thing is that if she doesn't get help with this problem eventually she will either die from complications or become what we call a wet brain and require institutionalization.

There's some great help out there available for her. I think AA is God's way of saving the drunks of the world. It's a very spiritual program and I think the 12 step programs were inspired of God.

I will pray for you and your mom.

Holy Father, today we lift up our friend catlover and her mom to You. Lord we ask you to heal the wounded hurts that have cut deep into this mother daughter relationship. Father we know that mom has a sickness of alcoholism and that it is going to kill her eventually if she doesn't stop. Lord please help her to see what she is doing and at least reach out for the help that is available. Grant this little family Your peace Lord and let them know Your awesome love.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

God Bless
Jim Larmore

Jim, thank-you, for your profound post. I can let you know. I finally got around to calling my mom. She was not drunk. It was strange. We really did not talk about the issue but I think by my not talking to her for a few days helped.

Unfortunately, my dad was an alcoholic. He went to a 28 day treatment facility when I was 15. He stayed sober for awhile but then he choose to hang out with the people he did. For example this "friend" of the family would come over and gode him into drinking.

If he really valued his sobriety he would have refrained from hanging out with such people.

My dad unfortunately, died of matasticized colon cancer. It was pretty sad because he went back to drinking etc.

The only thing I can say it positive about my parents drinking is...I don't drink my husband does not drink.

We have the children associate with Christians who prohibit drinking and these Christians have fun without booze. Amazing...people can have fun and celebrate without booze.

Hopefully they will go on and not become alcoholics.

I thank you all for your responses. I can say my mom has not drank for 3 days...that's good. Maybe your prayers are making her more open to not drinking.

 

[BrightCandle]

Jim, thank-you, for your profound post. I can let you know. I finally got around to calling my mom. She was not drunk. It was strange. We really did not talk about the issue but I think by my not talking to her for a few days helped.

Unfortunately, my dad was an alcoholic. He went to a 28 day treatment facility when I was 15. He stayed sober for awhile but then he choose to hang out with the people he did. For example this "friend" of the family would come over and gode him into drinking.

If he really valued his sobriety he would have refrained from hanging out with such people.

My dad unfortunately, died of matasticized colon cancer. It was pretty sad because he went back to drinking etc.

The only thing I can say it positive about my parents drinking is...I don't drink my husband does not drink.

We have the children associate with Christians who prohibit drinking and these Christians have fun without booze. Amazing...people can have fun and celebrate without booze.

Hopefully they will go on and not become alcoholics.

I thank you all for your responses. I can say my mom has not drank for 3 days...that's good. Maybe your prayers are making her more open to not drinking.

My Mom divorced my Dad because of his drinking problem. He would become violent at times. It was real scary as a young child to see up close and personal what alcohol can do to human beings! Surely, the Devil is the one who inspired the idea of drinking fermented alcoholic drinks. Even to this day, sadly, my Dad still has his drink of wine or a martini after dinner. I don't call him in the evening if at all possible!

I have determined to pray and visit my Dad (during the day), in the hope that someday Jesus will get through to his heart and he will discard the alcohol and be filled with the Spirit instead of being drunk with wine. I would do the same with your Mom. Agape love with biblical boundaries is the goal.

God bless,

BC

 

[catlover]

My Mom divorced my Dad because of his drinking problem. He would become violent at times. God bless,

BC

Thankfully my dad was not violent he was very pleasant while drunk. It's no wonder he became an alcoholic, when he came in from plowing the fields at age five he would get a glass of beer.