So where do we go from here?

[Million Pieces]

I've been a member in the Separated/Divorced subforum for a few months, as my marriage went into the tank.

Suddenly I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it ISN'T A TRAIN! It's a long and convoluted and entirely mind-bending story, but if you want the background, I'd have to point you over to the Divorced subforum and look through my recent posts. I dont have the time or the organization to lay it all out here, except in small point form.

1. DH and I have been "disconnected" from each other for about a dozen or more years. We lost that love we had in our first years together. We each found our ways of replacing the missing affections from the other person.

2. We have lived discontented, unhappy to the point of downright miserable since then, and specifically in the past 12-18 months it's become all but unbearable. This past summer we began to seriously talk about separating, for our mutual mental health.

3. We decided finally to pursue divorce and look forward to becoming mutually respectful, SINGLE people.

4. THEN I found out through some sleuthing that DH has had repeated affairs, over more than 7 of those 12 years.

5. Upon confronting him about those affairs, he confessed, repented, and utterly rebuked his wrongdoing and has done everything I have asked, and in brokenness and complete humility, done everything in his power to demonstrate his dedication to restoring what has been missing.

6. We are now seeing ministerial counsel and private counsel to restore our marriage. We still live together but in separate rooms of the house, with strong desires on both of our parts to eventually re-unite properly, once God has healed some of the gravest hurts.

Ok, so that didn't end up being short point form, but that's the Cliff's Notes version of the story. We have an army of friends and family praying, plus a fair cross-section of CF Marrieds' posters! LOL We have a LONG way to go, probably more than even I recognize so far. I suppose what I'm asking is what can we expect in the next months or so? What encouragement do you have for a couple who has been through the wringer and back again. Do we have enough to hope for complete renewal?

I am looking forward to getting to know this forum of people. I am anticipating hearing your stories and your encouragement as we begin to go down this road with you.

 

[FaithfulWife]

OH I have to tell you MP, the other day when I read your post I just could not even reply because I broke down in tears! I have hopes for you two and that is just such an amazing miracle.

Okay, I have been through this a few times with other couples, and here are some things that you might expect:

There will be some times when he is working hard on himself and it seems like he's ignoring the "us" of the marriage. In some ways this is a bit okayish but not entirely because in order to be part of the "us" he has to be a whole "he" first. So pursuing his own issues is okay... just like pursuing your own issues is okay. BUT! Do not neglect your marriage. That's a portion what got you here in the first place. I would say to concentrate right now on just having some fun together again. Nothing heavy--no big dates--but watch a funny movie together or read a book you both like

From his point of view he's may think: "My needs were ignored for so long that I sought out others and here I am really trying and doing all this work and counseling and she just keeps bringing up the past and the affairs and why can't she let it go?" or that attitude maybe a little. If this occurs I suggest one thing that often works for both parties. Once-a-day you can ask him the #1 question that is bugging you that day, and he should be completely honest and transparent in his answer. You get one question answered and the truth...and he gets a limit to one question once-a-day (so it's not a never-ending interrogation). Also on your side it is reasonable to feel betrayed but work on actually demonstrating that you won't hold the sword above his head forever.

From your end you may feel, "Well for crying out loud HE CHEATED ON ME MORE THAN ONCE! He should be crawling on hands and knees to beg my forgiveness and instead he acts like it was a good thing for him and it was good for our marriage! No it wasn't! He told me it was all in my head and it almost killed me!" To a degree it may feel as if he says he's sorry but isn't, or like he says he wants to stay married but doesn't want to change...sort of along that line. I will say that from what I observe, often the reason a disloyal spouse is disloyal is that they have areas of their life that they are unwilling to examine. But I would say to keep your focus on yourself and what you should be doing, not on "what you deserve" or "what he should be doing" and let G-d work in him. It's okay to request what you need if you need something (like triggers can be HORRIBLE and if you need him to not play a song that reminds you of the affairs, ask for it). Keep a little bit of radar up to detect if his words and actions match, but if they do and he seems to be following through on his own, I would say give it to G-d and let HIM work on hubby and the areas he's not willing to surrender yet. Trust me HE is much more effective than you or I.

Finally it is conceivable that at first there may be a pretty good "honeymoon" phase when you first start to work things out (because you're both happy that you both want to try) followed by a period that feels like a bit painful. Just keep watching for signs that his words and actions match. If words and actions match have some faith in G-d and keep on taking one step-in-front-of-the-other and you keep doing YOUR work and keep your side of the street clean. Learn to respect him. It's likely to feel like it's going so slow but day by day you can get through this! It won't be fast and then one day you'll look back and realize it's been two years and you're happy!

 

[captiveheart]

I've followed your posts for some reason. There was just something so tragic in the story or perhaps the language. I dunno. Anyway, it is so refreshing to hear how your husband is responding. I remember your post about asking him to leave. I just felt so defeated. Now I'm encouraged again. I'm smiling at this very moment.

I think you may know the story about my wife's internet indiscretion and all. I posted a story in another thread I think last night about how my wife had picked up her wedding ring after having it re-sized.

I found it and copied the post below.

“My wife picked up her wedding ring yesterday after having it resized and attached to the engagement ring. November 8th was our 11th wedding anniversary and the last few months have been the toughest.

I thought it was rather symbolic of where we are today in our relationship though. She said she thought it was shinier than it was when I gave it to her. The two rings for years have slid against each other all of these years and now are bound tightly together. And the ring fits well now where it tended to bind, cause irritation and pressure before.”

 

[Ryanswife]

No marriage is too far gone because nothing is impossible with God! In time, you will heal. It sounds like you are both committed to restoration and you guys are certainly on the right track. There was a time in my own marriage when the sting of adultery was a daily battle, but now more than 3 years later, I hardly think about it and when and if I do it doesn't even hurt...as strange as that may sound. My husband has gone above and beyond to show me that he is a changed man. Keep praying and trusting in the Lord and he WILL rebuild your marriage better than it was before. What he did for me...I know he will do for you and anybody. You're in my prayers.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Million Pieces quote:

Do we have enough to hope for complete renewal?

Yes, but “complete renewal” will not happen in a matter of months.

What you have described in your post (items 5 and 6) sounds like a winning combination, very encouraging! The hard part will be when the honeymoon period of recovery is over and the principles of Christianity, which include forgiveness and accountability, will need to be applied.

I hope you have lots of support and you and your spouse utilize all sources. I don’t need to tell you that your situation is a very serious marriage buster and you and your spouse will be challenged in the future. Prepare yourselves for a long-term recovery (Years). You can gain every year. This can also be a time that you and your husband will grow spiritually.

The trust may not come back 100% but you can gain so much in other areas. In our case the trust came back to between 90-95% and we gained a lot in other areas that made our marriage stronger but it took more than 7 years before the challnges of the broken trust was not much of a factor..

We will celebrate 40 years of marriage next month and our love is more of a selfless love than the kind of love that is in good shape as long as your spouse is producing something for you.

Stan


PS
I really think FaithfulWife’s post made some really good points about your immediate period of recovery.

 

[Million Pieces]

Yeah, FW has been the wisest, most supporting and most amazing Godly woman I've known here so far.

So now that I've stroked her ego again....

I think the honeymoon phase is ending, and the practical application of our recovery is beginning. A lot more emotional questions in the past few days, and I've been questioning both of our commitments to this entire process.

*sigh* I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I do know it's the most difficult thing we've ever had to give our attention to.

 

[Million Pieces]

Had a pretty big setback late last night, would appreciate a lot of prayer. Learning to trust is getting harder to do. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not going to be all sunshine and roses in a couple of days.

 

[spencerian]

From the trials I have been through I have learned that trust isn't learned.

It's earned.
Pull no punches. Don't hide your hopes or fears. The phases of being amicable for the sake of peace are over. Now is the time to be real and sincere. Now I'm not saying to be cruel or judgemental.

Prayer can do wonders. Ask God to change your mindset. He has that power ya know! (amazing when he does. it really is)

 

[Million Pieces]

Isn't it!! And yes, He does have that power. And I'm already seeing it.

Hubby went through his journal the other day, and at risk of telling his story before he can get here and tell it, let's just say it was very enlightening to him to read back his own words. He was tremendously convicted about his behaviour, and just how deeply he had sunk into his sin. He started to get downright angry at himself about it, and all I know about anger is that it's what gives us incentive to actually CHANGE.

2 steps forward, 3 steps back. Speed bump, not barricade. Take a big breath and don't give up. Don't let this setback allow our Enemy to defeat us. We're still going to be okay, because we have the power of God on our side!!

 

[Blackjeaned67]

Yes, as MP has pointed out, it's been a stress-filled week or so here, and going through my journal over the past few months has proven to be a real eye opener for me. The lies that I told myself, that I told her, told my family, my friends, my parents.... WOW, was that ever a wake up call to me. My therapist, way back in the spring, told me I should journal things to track how I grow and change, to look back on my thoughts to track progress. What I saw was a man who had become so good at lying to HIMSELF that he honestly believed what he was saying to himself, to his wife...I mean, yeah, I believed what I was writing was the truth back then. It was as true as I wanted to believe it then, and it was "gospel to me"--but lets look at the situation here. I was a man buried in sin. Full of lies, full of deceit, full of lust, foolish as all get out. I couldn't see anything outside of my self-centredness, and there was no way I was in the wrong. But, God has a good way of opening one's eyes and heart, when one is willing to have them opened. I'd heard sermons and lectures, seen video's on adultery, lying and cheating, and they pricked my conscience for a moment, but not for long. God used this sermon a couple weeks ago as a double-edged sword--hit me with a sermon about hypocrisy AND adultery... Thank you GOD!!! As MP said, it hasn't been easy, and we had a hiccup a week ago, but, sometimes a line has to be drawn in the sand, doesn't it, MP?

God is great, God is good Thank GOD for redemption, forgiveness, and another chance!!

 

[Blackjeaned67]

Yes, as MP has pointed out, it's been a stress-filled week or so here, and going through my journal over the past few months has proven to be a real eye opener for me. The lies that I told myself, that I told her, told my family, my friends, my parents.... WOW, was that ever a wake up call to me. My therapist, way back in the spring, told me I should journal things to track how I grow and change, to look back on my thoughts to track progress. What I saw was a man who had become so good at lying to HIMSELF that he honestly believed what he was saying to himself, to his wife...I mean, yeah, I believed what I was writing was the truth back then. It was as true as I wanted to believe it then, and it was "gospel to me"--but lets look at the situation here. I was a man buried in sin. Full of lies, full of deceit, full of lust, foolish as all get out. I couldn't see anything outside of my self-centredness, and there was no way I was in the wrong. But, God has a good way of opening one's eyes and heart, when one is willing to have them opened. I'd heard sermons and lectures, seen video's on adultery, lying and cheating, and they pricked my conscience for a moment, but not for long. God used this sermon a couple weeks ago as a double-edged sword--hit me with a sermon about hypocrisy AND adultery... Thank you GOD!!! As MP said, it hasn't been easy, and we had a hiccup a week ago, but, sometimes a line has to be drawn in the sand, doesn't it, MP?

God is great, God is good Thank GOD for redemption, forgiveness, and another chance!!

 

[mkgal1]

MP and Blackjeaned, I am so blessed by your story! Reading your posts has put me tears right now--good tears. I am praying for the two of you. You are being obedient and allowing God to now write your love story. It is going to be AWESOME story.