So what IS the right way to break up?

[Princess Pea]

Since it's come up - what IS the ideal way to break up with someone, if there is such a thing? If it must be in person and not on the phone or in a letter, what do you do? Schedule a date as if there's nothing wrong, but plan to break the news during that date? If so, do you do it at the beginning of the date or the end? Public place, or private? Familiar or unfamiliar location? Timing? Speech outline? Any way to give the person some advanced vibes so they're not completely blindsided?

And how do you get through the phone conversations that take place between your decision to break up with them and the actual breakup?

Completely moot question for me at the moment, by the way ...

 

[MrDude]

I'd say if you're going to be seeing them sometime soon, then no need to schedule a specific date, but if not, then a get-together might need to be scheduled. I'd say do it right at the beginning. Just get it all out of the way. DEFINITLY a private place, the last thing you need is for one of you to be balling your eyes out in public. Location should probably be someplace either VERY personal (like the home) or VERY unfamiliar. Anything else and they might assosiate that place with bad thoughts and emotions for the rest of their life. Everything else just needs to be natural and honest. Tell them why you are breaking up with them.

This is just my opinion. Remember, I'm an idiot, so take it all with a grain of salt.

 

[theywhosowintears]

say "we need to talk"

and then be honest, be nice, don't ever say it is there fault (unless you have to and it is construcctive), be respectful, tell them why...give them some reason... be nice, dont be rude, dont argue, just talk.

anyways... I had lots of practise...

 

[Smashed Pumpkin]

I have never actually had a difficult break up. Not because i'm a heartless fool (well, not completely) but because i don't think i have been in a seriouse enough relationship for it to really hurt. At the moment i'm in what i would call a seriouse relationship and to tell the truth, even the thought of breaking up tears me apart....

I feel as though i would never initiate a breakup in my relationship. Is this normal? Because i have felt if pretty much for the entire duration of my relationship. I know that people change and that i might change and want a break up but going on how i feel at the moment i honestly think i could spend the rest of my life with the person i'm with.

(sorry to go on like that, esspecially considering the thread i just posted but i'm a little confused concerning my relationship at the moment)

 

[brettnolan]

And how do you get through the phone conversations that take place between your decision to break up with them and the actual breakup?

This is what I was talking about. I was all ready to break up with my girlfriend last night. We've had a really rough past couple of weeks, WAY rougher than I think a couple should have after only 3 months of dating. But the past couple of days it seems as if she is making a conscious effort to looks past my faults that have bothered her so much in the several days before. I've never done this before, I had no idea how to do it. I prayed nearly all day. For some reason, I thought I should try to be as normal as possible until the time came. And, of course, doing that meant that the time never came.

The reason I posed the earlier question was that I was afraid of these phone calls in between. And now I'm in a position where I'm going to have to deal with them for another two and a half days at least. It's killing me. Plus she's being all lovey and talking about the future...

I know I'm going to crush her spirit and it's absolutely killing me. The worst part is, she needs me, and I still want to be a good friend to her, but I don't think there is any way she'll want to have anything to do with me. I feel SO guilty already, I don't want to talk to her at all, but if I avoid her, it only increases the likelihood of it coming out over the phone. Yeah, I'm a coward, but I DO want to do the right thing.

 

[Princess Pea]

This is what I was talking about. I was all ready to break up with my girlfriend last night. We've had a really rough past couple of weeks, WAY rougher than I think a couple should have after only 3 months of dating. But the past couple of days it seems as if she is making a conscious effort to looks past my faults that have bothered her so much in the several days before. I've never done this before, I had no idea how to do it. I prayed nearly all day. For some reason, I thought I should try to be as normal as possible until the time came. And, of course, doing that meant that the time never came.

The reason I posed the earlier question was that I was afraid of these phone calls in between. And now I'm in a position where I'm going to have to deal with them for another two and a half days at least. It's killing me. Plus she's being all lovey and talking about the future...

I know I'm going to crush her spirit and it's absolutely killing me. The worst part is, she needs me, and I still want to be a good friend to her, but I don't think there is any way she'll want to have anything to do with me. I feel SO guilty already, I don't want to talk to her at all, but if I avoid her, it only increases the likelihood of it coming out over the phone. Yeah, I'm a coward, but I DO want to do the right thing.

Yeah, I see what you mean. In order to do reach the point where you can do the "right thing" (break up in person instead of over the phone) you're now in a position of deceiving her. Based on your last phone call, she's thinking everything's OK when you know it's not. How can that be the right thing? I don't AT ALL mean to condemn you, BTW - I'm just trying to verbalize your dilemna!

I don't know what to tell you. I've only been officially broken up with once in my life (the just-stop-calling-and-she'll-figure-it-out method doesn't count.) It was a breakup, and it hurt, but the blow was lessened because he conveyed the message that he cared about me - enough to let me go and find someone who would love me the way I deserved to be loved. I also could tell he felt really bad about it. Does that help at all?

On a more general note - I hesitated to say it before, and I may get blasted for saying it now, but it seems to me that for the sake of honesty, a case could be made for just getting it over with as soon as possible, even if if that means using the phone or a letter (ducks for cover.) I mean, is going through the motions until you can end things "properly" really better than just getting it over with as quickly as possible so you can both start moving on? Seriously - does anyone have a way of reconciling this?

 

[brettnolan]

You bet! I totally have to be deceitful for the next two days at least. It's incredibly hard, and I'm sure when we have the conversation, she's going to bring up the fact that I've been telling everything is okay.

And she's making it tough, she's really trying to get me to say stuff about the future. I don't want to do it on the phone. But she's been in a super mood the last two days, and I am avoiding ALL lovey type talk..she's not gonna let that for very much longer I'm sure.

I wish I had a good reason to move away (and could take my kids with me)

 

[Princess Pea]

You bet! I totally have to be deceitful for the next two days at least.

See, that's the thing - maybe you don't. At this point, I think you might be better off saying "You know, I really hate to do this on the phone, and I didn't want to, but I've realized that at this point I'm being dishonest with you, and you deserve to know the truth ... "

And she's making it tough, she's really trying to get me to say stuff about the future.

If that's the case, you have the perfect lead-in. She may be hurt that you said it over the phone, but if it were me, I'd be a lot more hurt over the dishonesty if I'd been hearing false reassurances. She's going to be hurt either way, I'm afraid.

(You know, if nothing else, you've given me more of an empathy for what my ex might have gone through in breaking up with me, and a realization of how I might have made it hard for him. Not that I would have wanted it to be easy but I can see how some of my actions and words might have delayed the inevitable ... )

 

[silentpoet]

I will say this, I have been pepper sprayed and have been broken up with. And it took me an hour to clean up enough to stop hurting and be fully functional after the pepper spray. You have to be sprayed as a cop to carry it. And to be quite honest I would rather be pepper sprayed. Less painful.

 

[brettnolan]

No matter what the break up victim might think (I know there are exceptions), most of the time it's just as hard on the breaker upper.

It gives me more empathy for all the girls who've cheated on me. I think they felt trapped, but knew that I was trying...just wasn't good enough. So instead of dealing with that confrontation, they cheated, hoping they could have me for whatever, and the other guy for the rest. I KNOW that's what my ex-wife did.

Anyway...I've never done this before. I can think of about a million things that normally I would never do, but now would rather do than this.

 

[MrDude]

I will say this, I have been pepper sprayed and have been broken up with. And it took me an hour to clean up enough to stop hurting and be fully functional after the pepper spray. You have to be sprayed as a cop to carry it. And to be quite honest I would rather be pepper sprayed. Less painful.

You're a cop?

 

[silentpoet]

Part time. Trying to find a full time job in police work.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

Schedule a date as if there's nothing wrong, but plan to break the news during that date?

Call the person and simply tell them that you need to talk to them about something important and that it affects them.

If so, do you do it at the beginning of the date or the end? Public place, or private?

Depends on the person. Some people are extremely private and it would benefit them to breakup in a private place. Other people are different. It also depends on how long the relationship has lasted. You should know the person well enough to make a judgment call. If not then err on the safe side and go private. Bottom line: pick a locale that makes them the most comfortable.

Familiar or unfamiliar location? Timing? Speech outline? Any way to give the person some advanced vibes so they're not completely blindsided?

Just make sure that the locale is where they are the most comfortable-being dumped is not a pleasant experience-so just make sure that the other person is as comfortable as they can be.

Break up immediately after you meet at your designated location. It is best to get things like this over with quickly. If you're nervous then you might want to write them a letter and read it to them.

Don't do it on Singles' Awareness Day. I've seen the carnage that V-Day breakups can have.

Another good way to go about breaking up with a person is to "be in their shoes" so to speak. If someone were breaking up with you how would you want them to go about it. Try to see their perspective, keep their best interests in mind, and serve them as Jesus would.

Take this advice with a grain of salt though-I've never had a boyfriend and haven't got any experience in this.

DW

 

[Diane_Windsor]

On a more general note - I hesitated to say it before, and I may get blasted for saying it now, but it seems to me that for the sake of honesty, a case could be made for just getting it over with as soon as possible, even if if that means using the phone or a letter (ducks for cover.) I mean, is going through the motions until you can end things "properly" really better than just getting it over with as quickly as possible so you can both start moving on? Seriously - does anyone have a way of reconciling this?

There is a simple solution to this. Next time the person calls you tell them over the phone that you need to speak to them in person ASAP. Don't go into lovey-dovey talk, etc., etc. Problem solved.

Brett Nolan, next time your gf calls just tell her that you need to speak to her in person ASAP. Be a gentleman. As for your gf making future plans (after only 3 months ) and getting her hopes up, if you are not leading her on and playing into that, then her getting hurt in that respect is not on your shoulders. I'm sometimes guilty of this when I form crushes on guys then I end up being a little bruised, but I realize that I bring this on myself and it's my fault.

Just thought of LDRs. If you are in a LDR then you might have to break up over the phone depending on the distance.

DW

 

[LilRitt04]

Its always hard to be the person that breaks up with the other. I have never been the one to break up with anyone I have always been the "dumpee." But I think that being the person who is dumped all the time you need to do it in person and have a valid reason. Dont say that its not that you dont like the person anymore...More or less a better reason is needed.

Dont do it in a letter, online, email, text message...Nothing like that. That tends to hurt worse!