So what do you do...

[karalianne]

...if you're a single woman and you're pretty sure you know who you're meant to be with, but he doesn't seem interested, or seems to waver between interest and disinterest?

I read Elisabeth Elliot's Passion & Purity last summer, and I really want to be the woman who waits for the man to take the lead... it's just frustrating and difficult sometimes to wait.

My situation...

I'm 27. I've never really dated. Had a sort-of boyfriend in high school before I was old enough to date. First kiss at 22 - bad choice of people to make out with. Had a *bad* "relationship" at 25. Went out with an older (34yo) man just this past June; broke up with him two weeks ago because I realized it wasn't the right relationship for me. I'm not really certain that this is the right time for me to *be* in a relationship, either, but.

I met V about five or six years ago, through church and my involvement with TEC. We became pretty good friends, and I (of course) developed a crush on him. He's my age. I moved away for four years and recently returned to the area. We maintained contact, off and on, throughout my time away. When I first came back, we had an awful disagreement that resulted in two months of us not speaking to one another. We did eventually forgive one another, and have slowly been becoming close friends again. We are currently as close as we ever were.

He comes to me with his girl troubles. I know I'm not his type, physically, which is sometimes frustrating to me because we connect on every other level (intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually). I do find him attractive (I've never really had a "type"). Every so often, he says something that makes me wonder if he's interested in me romantically, but I always try to brush it off. Five years ago, I did tell him I was interested in *him*, and his response wasn't what I was hoping for.

It seems to me that we really are a great match. I know that it would be foolish for me to wait around "forever", but I expect that that is what I will end up doing. I'm not the kind of person who feels the need to get married and have a family; I plan to have a very fulfilling career outside the home, and if I never marry I may adopt some special needs children. I do well on my own, and I can see a good and happy future for myself as a single woman or even a single adoptive mother. I also see a good and happy future for myself as V's wife and partner.

Again, I state that I am aware that this is probably not the right time for me to actually enter into another dating relationship, even if it was V who asked. I want to wait a few months - there are some things I need to have straight in my mind and heart before I get involved with someone again. And I can do that. But waiting for myself to be ready and waiting for *him* to figure it out are two different things.

I don't want to be the woman who chases a man. I *refuse* to be that woman. I don't want to be the one who says, "Hey, you know what? I really like you and want to date you." - I am definitely on the side of Elisabeth Elliot in this one; it's not my job to "catch a man".

I'm just struggling right now with uncertainty and impatience, I guess.

 

[Brittany108]

I can't say I understand everything you are going through, but I can relate to your feelings of uncertainty and impatience. I know an awesome Christian guy who I would love to enter into a courtship with and see if perhaps God would have us marry one day, but I don't know if my feelings are completely of God or my own selfish desires. It is tough.

I think you are ahead of yourself a bit. If you know that you are not ready for a relationship I don't think you should worry yourself with such matters. If you knew that he liked you it would be extremely tempting for you to jump into a relationship even though you know the time is not right. And the right couple at the wrong time can truly mess up a relationship. If God wants you two to be together and you are both seeking Him you will be with V! Hmm . . . there is a great verse about this . . . I'll have to look it up and post it for you later on.

 

[caitlincares]

...if you're a single woman and you're pretty sure you know who you're meant to be with, but he doesn't seem interested, or seems to waver between interest and disinterest?

I read Elisabeth Elliot's Passion & Purity last summer, and I really want to be the woman who waits for the man to take the lead... it's just frustrating and difficult sometimes to wait.

I met V about five or six years ago, through church and my involvement with TEC. We became pretty good friends, and I (of course) developed a crush on him.

He comes to me with his girl troubles. I know I'm not his type, physically, which is sometimes frustrating to me because we connect on every other level (intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually). I do find him attractive (I've never really had a "type"). Every so often, he says something that makes me wonder if he's interested in me romantically, but I always try to brush it off. Five years ago, I did tell him I was interested in *him*, and his response wasn't what I was hoping for.

It seems to me that we really are a great match.

I'm just struggling right now with uncertainty and impatience, I guess.

Passion and Purity rocks. I read it the first time MANY years ago.
I have it sitting on my desk slowly reading thru it again.
(Juggling with a lot of other books on my plate right now)

I can relate to what you are saying.
I feel a similar way towards my best friend, JD.

He too discusses girl friends with me.
Our friendship is the most important thing to me so I set aside my feelings and counsel him to the best of my ability since I know him so well.

At one point I was real upset because it seemed we were GREAT as friends but he never allowed it to progress. But those thoughts only made me uncomfortable with our friendship. And I value that relationship too much to let it get away.
Until CF he was the only person I could really talk to about Christian stuff and singleness at our age.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk anymore.

 

[karalianne]

I know I shouldn't worry about it - it's just difficult. I have a slightly obsessive-type personality.

Most of the time I *don't* worry about this whole situation, but it's been bothering me more than usual lately.

Thanks for the responses!

 

[Lia]

...if you're a single woman and you're pretty sure you know who you're meant to be with, but he doesn't seem interested, or seems to waver between interest and disinterest?

......

I'm just struggling right now with uncertainty and impatience, I guess.

I really can identify with you as I am going through a similar situation myself. The only difference is that I did had a relationship with him. We have been dating on and off for a year now. I'm not exactly his type, eventhough we enjoy being with each other and have similar visions in lifes...we connect to each other on so many levels. At first, he was not my type either, but as I got to know him more when we first dated, I fell in love with him and his personality. We are still very close. He is a man that I can see myself envision marrying. But he does not feel the same at this moment for some weird reasons. I dunno, it's very disheartening.

I don't know if God is ever going to change him or not.. . I'm just gonna trust God and ready to be brokenhearted if it's not God's will.

I get worried and anxious too, a lot. But keep on praying, trust God...if he's the one, God will open the doors, if not he will send someone much better who will want to love and spend the rest of his life with you.

 

[klewlis]

The fact that he is not interested is a pretty good indication that you're not "meant to be" with him. At least not yet. When God ordains something, both parties will want it. Things could change in the future but for now you will have to just sit tight and not worry about it so much.

 

[Jaegang72]

Guys and girls, I really think I should clarify somethings.

Karaliane, what you have with that guy is a counterfeit oneness. I have encountered this myself. When you "connect" with someone of the opposite sex emotionally, spiritually , you begin to become intimate with the other person. Not in the physical sense but spiritually and emotionally. You are beginning to become "one" with the other person.

So you are on dangerous ground. Dangerous because the longer you allow yourself in this relationship, the bigger the hole you get into. This level of intimacy should be reserved for man and woman commited to a courtship relationship or husband wife relationship.

When a man and a woman have this kind of emotional intimacy, it is often inevitable that one side will have eros love for the other. Not talking like sexual love ( which is the culmination of eros love ) but, you begin to yearn for oneness with other aka marriage. When one side of the relationship only interested in agape and friendship love and the other pines for eros love, then one side will get burned. The longer the emotional intimacy the more burnt one becomes.

I am sorry to say this but from a guy's perspective. He does not seem interested in eros love with you. You need to back off, otherwise when he find a girl he really wants to be with, you will get hurt , prolly feel betrayed and jealous because all the emotional intimacy he has with you now will be reserved for the "new" girl.

Emotional and spiritual intimacy should reflect the boundaries of the relationship. If it's brother-sister then brother-sister, If it's courtship , then so be it and it needs to be clear. Otherwise ppl gonna get hurt! This I speak from personal experience

cheers

J

 

[stonetoflesh]

I'll second Jaegang's warning about eros vs. agape love; that's what happened in my last relationship, and as the bearer of eros love I got burned big-time. I'm still recovering...

 

[karalianne]

*nodnod* I know all about being burned from this sort of thing. It's happened before, with other guys and in fact with V himself.

So are women meant to only become close emotionally and spiritually with one another and their husbands? This is my question, based on what Jaegang said. It seems foolish to limit oneself in this manner.

My friendship with V isn't really different from my friendship with my youngest (21yo) brother; the difference is only in my feelings for V.

Anyhow, none of this is helping. I already know it's pointless to pursue him. I already know I shouldn't obsess over the situation. I even know I'll be perfectly happy if I am never with him or even get married.

What I need are practical tips that will help me stop obsessing and wishing for something I can't have right now.

 

[Jaegang72]

kara,

hi. When you are in the midst of it, there is no easy way out. Tis like tooth is decaying and need for root canalling. It's gonna hurt to get the fix. As for practical steps to take ... Again there is no easy answer but to seek God and spend time with Him. Look at areas you want to work on in your life and schedule appointments with yourself to improve things.

You said you have been burnt before with other guys. Perhaps it's a pattern that is repeating. You say surely it's foolish to limit yourself. You say the relationship is like your younger brother. But surely it's not. Thing is you cant have the cake and eat it as well.

All I am saying is there is a need to form boundaries. Without boundaries, one party is gonna get hurt.
Question here is
1) Shall all my intimate emotional connections be with the same gender?
A/ mostly yes

2) Can I be friends with opposite gender?
A/ Yes

3) How friendly then can I be with the opposite gender?
A/ Friendly enough as long as both parties know what boundaries are. I mean if it's a mebe courtship relationship then that's what it is. Both parties have to look into it.. pray about it.. even talk about it .. if it's a courting one, so be it.... but if it's a brother-sister one, then set the boundaries or else someone's gonna get burnt.

4) Can I get emotionally and spiritually intimate with someone of opposite gender without either of us getting burnt?
A/ A good verse is what Paul told Timothy of how to treat the opposite gender... older women like mothers and younger women like sisters...

You know it's not like I don't know how it is... I got burnt just by letting myself indulge in emotional intimacy with a girl for just 1 week. Very intense.... it did not work out and man it was tough. That only 1 week. I can only begin to imagine if people been at it for 6 months.. a year. That would be like some sort of divorce. So just let you know, I been there and hurt and I believe clearly that relationships need boundaries.

J

 

[karalianne]

I guess part of it is that I don't know how to set proper boundaries in any of my relationships. There are various reasons for this, but I'm willing to learn.

If anyone can recommend some good books about learning to set appropriate boundaries (and deciding what those are for yourself), I'd really appreciate it! (Please include authors of books.)

Thanks.

 

[Living4Him03]

Get on your knees and give it up to God. Continue your friendship with this guy and ask God to help teach you to be patient with this situation. Continue being friends with him and asking for God's guidance. Become a woman after God's own heart. Get involved in church activities, hanging out with friends (other than V), and meeting other eligible guys. From the way you talk you are really set on V being "the one". God just may very well surprise you with someone even more suited for you than V. Trust me I've been there and done that. I wanted to marry this one friend of mine so badly...I wanted him to date me. He was not interested in me. I kept hoping that he would eventually be interested in me. He just got more distant and our friendship was ruined. He just recently got married. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo thankful I'm not his wife! A year or so ago I would not have said this. After that guy God helped me realize that He has perfect timing and just the right man for me if I will only trust Him. Don't put all your focus on this guy, leave doors open and begin developing friendships with other Godly men. You may soon find you forget all about V. I'm sorry I don't have any books to recommend for setting boundaries. God bless you! May the Lord draw you closer to Him each day! Enjoy your singleness!

 

[Brittany108]

"When God says no to something, it's because He's saying yes to something better."
- Joshua Harris

How awesome is that?!? I think we sometimes get stuck on the 'no' and forget about the fact that God has something better planned for us.

Sorry! I got a little carried away when you mentioned good books & thought about that quote. I Kissed Dating Good-bye by Joshua Harris is an AWESOME book. It focuses a lot on preparing one's self to be the person God wants you to be and also on setting clear boundaries, etc. I'm currently reading the sequel to it (Boy Meets Girl) and it is just as good!

 

[karalianne]

Yep, read both of those. Maybe I should read them again.

I do highly recommend Elisabeth Elliott's Passion and Purity once you're done Josh's books.

 

[stonetoflesh]

I found with my last relationship that the "Letting Go Barrell" thread in this forum was very helpful. My situation-- while not exactly like yours-- was similar in that there was eros vs. agape love involved (as I mentioned in a previous post); I realized I needed to just let go my desire and hopes for a renewed relationship, I prayed about it a lot... Posting on that thread was a way for me to affirm this before other believers who I knew would support me. My heart is still mending, and time will continue to heal my wounds; in the past week or so though I've felt so much better, and have been able to interact with my ex-gf-now-just-friend with a much more peaceful heart... All I can do is continue to lift the situation up to God, pray for wisdom and patience, and trust that He will continue to work in me and through me!

You can do it, Karalianne!

 

[Mother Vashti]

Forget him.

 

[Chloe~]

I guess part of it is that I don't know how to set proper boundaries in any of my relationships. There are various reasons for this, but I'm willing to learn.

If anyone can recommend some good books about learning to set appropriate boundaries (and deciding what those are for yourself), I'd really appreciate it! (Please include authors of books.)

Thanks.

I can totally relate to you... Been there. It was a painful experience, but God can and will mend broken hearts.

Maybe this books could be a blessing to you:
"Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart" by Heather Arnel Paulsen:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1579213405/103-0431409-7600657?v=glance
Also, the companion book to "P&P" - "Quest for Love" by E. Elliot:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/A...90893/sr=ka-1/ref=pd_ka_1/103-0431409-7600657

God bless you!

 

[wvmtnkid]

I guess part of it is that I don't know how to set proper boundaries in any of my relationships. There are various reasons for this, but I'm willing to learn.

If anyone can recommend some good books about learning to set appropriate boundaries (and deciding what those are for yourself), I'd really appreciate it! (Please include authors of books.)

Thanks.

I can relate with what you have posted so far. It has happened to me more than once. And I can definately attest to the getting burned part. Thanks to Jaegang for explaining it so well! I tend to lose myself in relationships because I don't want to lose the other person, if that makes any sense. Just as luck would have it, I am getting ready to read a book on Boundaries that was recommended to me, so I will pass the title on to you. It is titled "Boundaries: When to say YES, When to say NO to take control of your life." It is by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. There also a Boundaries in Dating book as well. And there are companion workbooks that go with the books. Hopefully these will be good books for the both of us!

 

[karalianne]

Thanks for the book recommendations! I'll see if I can get them from the library before I buy - though at some point I'm sure I will buy them.