so tired of this struggle

[cailan]

Looking in this forum, looking back over the years when I have visited this site, these stories keep coming. And they always will.

I have struggled with same sex attraction from the age of 12. I didn't confide in anyone until the age of 28. 16 years of trying to deal with the most perverse thoughts. And yet liberals and non-Christians will tell me that it is OK, they "understand", it is OK to be in an active homosexual relationship. Then there are those in the church who say it "is a choice". Well they are all wrong. It is only a choice to have sex with someone of the same gender, it was never my choice to think about doing it, or to be tormented by it for my adult life.

I am so tired of this. I have been to counselling. A support group turned me away. Fellow Christians (admittedly young and not spiritually mature) have mocked me because they can see this distorted sexuality in me. And yet in spite of this I am loved beyond all measure! And it is ripping me apart. All I can do these days is drink to numb the pain, and watch images of men having sex with each other on the internet. And it goes on. And on. The only way this will end is when my body takes its last breath. I have given up believing in the freedom I long for in this life. I am on anti-depressants. I am going to quit my stupid pathetic little job tomorrow. And pretend that everything is going to be OK.

I know He loves me. He has left me in no doubt! But this will never end. The torment goes on, and on, and on...

 

[Angeldove97]

Please find a support group that will be supportive of your needs and your faith. I know this is very difficult to find and that some Christians aren't very Christian-like when it comes to this topic. Since many of us don't understand what it really feels like to have these attractions, it's often very hard for us to offer support. Keep reaching out to God--- I don't believe He loves you any less for having gay tendencies, but keep a faithful heart and keep following His teachings to the best of your ability.

 

[GraceLikeRain06]

I'm in that same position. Minus the job thing. I don't have a job. But the self torment is awful. I wrote a song about it. The choice to not engage in acts is ours... but I don't believe I wanted to be this way. I don't want to be this way. It's awful. Often times I hate myself for it.

 

[FindingaWay]

Cailan, Grace, I am praying for you.
I am in the same situation.. it hurts, and a lot of the time I don't know how to carry on..
But.. God's grace *is* sufficient.
God bless you, sisters.

 

[SwedishDemocracy]

People find it difficult to understand things they don't feel. Do what you feel in your heart is right, and try not to live the life others want you to live. It's been my struggle as well...

 

[madison1101]

I am in recovery for alcoholism in Alcoholics Anonymous, and we have a saying "There but for the grace of God go I." I know that I could have easily been in a lesbian relationship, or at least liason, on more than one occassion in my distant past. The thought of it does not repulse me, as it does others.

I have a son who is bisexual, and he has totally rejected all things Christian in his journey to find peace. He made a profession of faith as a child, but as a young adult, he is living by his pleasures and passions, which include sex, and alcohol.

You are struggling with a lot of different issues. You will find it easier to work through them if you are of a clear and sound mind. I strongly urge you to stop drinking and get help from a licensed psychotherapist. If you find you cannot stop drinking on your own, attendance at Alcoholics Anonymous can help you, as it helped me.

Once you have a sound mind, you will be better able to come to terms with the issues in front of you. God loves you just the way you are, and will continue to love you no matter what. He will also give you peace and a sense of sanity.

Notice I did not say anything to try to change your area of temptation, that of gay sex. Each of us has areas of temptation that haunt us. I struggle with a lot of areas of temptation that are not too acceptable in the Church. God promised that we would not be tempted beyond what we can bear.

God bless.
Trish

 

[apologia25]

Brother,
I read your post and I just wanted to encourage you. Some time ago I was in the same pit you are in and in some ways I am still in it. I would suggest you visit Setting captives free and go through the door of hope course. Until then I want to encourage you that although you have the temptations that doesn't make you gay. Understand that unless you go on these sites or lust in your heart having these attractions isn't sin. Just as the straight man lusts after a woman and has to control himself so it is with us. through the door of hope course I realized that the attractions may always be there and I probably wont be miraculously changed in a the blink of an eye but over time God will change things and even if he doesnt God is still good. You may be feeling that because you struggle with these things that God doesn't love you. well that is wrong understand that God loved us before we even knew him or understood him. Jesus died for a people who didnt even know him or deserve him. The Bible says even when we were dead in our sins Jesus died for us. You are His Child. however there are some radical things you gotta do
and thats the hard part. You gotta stop the porn, the cycle your in right now is only gonna get deeper and darker if you keep looking at the stuff. You gotta put uo boundaries so you cant see it. The easiest way is to buy an internet filter and have a friend put a password on it no questions asked. As for the behavior of Christians in dealing with this issue, share your struggle with few. I was really open when I first got saved and saw a lot of people react badly to my testimony and it burnt me bad and I still am healing from it. I will be praying for you and would be glad to be your accountability partner. There is a time in our lives where we fall and fall hard, but we just gotta get up by his stength and learn to breathe once more, learn to crawl and take life each day step by step.

 

[nesian]

Not long ago, I was a little confused about my sexuality.
I've felt attracted to the same sex but that has slowly
changed throughout the years. I've considered myself bi but
now I'm positive that I'm straight. *sigh* sometimes
all this labelling does my head in >.<

I know it's hard to eradicate any of these feelings
but please bear in mind that change is possible.
It's extremely hard but a little goes a long way
so take it step by step...

Don't give up just yet.
You're in my prayers.
Stay blessed.

 

[StoneGT]

The struggle against sin does makes us weary. And every one of us is oriented to sin in this fallen world. This particular issue feels more acute, but every Christian has to fight - 1 Timothy 6.12 Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

You are right - it is not a choice to feel this. But we do have a choice to fight. Will it be easy? No. Will it be rewarding, with learning and growing, full of grace and love? Yes.

Because of this issue, I have to depend deeply and daily on God, the power of the Spirit and the love of Christ. I think I am more dependent on God than others without this issue, but being dependent on God is a good thing!

You will fall sometimes on this path, but the Savior who loves you will pick you up and carry you forward. We have to move towards the having falls being further further apart in time. We will lose some battles, but the war has been won.

You do need to stop the porn and quit leaning on alcohol. You need to find a good counsler that can help you work thru all your issues. If you don't click with a particular counsler, find another one. That's a normal process of finding a counsler that works for you.

I am 10 years older than you and have been fighting about 10 years longer than you. I plan to fight the next 30 or so years of my natural life if God blesses me to stay that long.

Prayers for you Cailan, and all my brothers and sisters here who struggle. Keep fighting!

 

[StoneGT]

cailan - I wanted to follow up with 2 more quick things, one practical and one spiritual:

First practical - When looking for a counselor, make sure it is a Christian counselor, but also some one who has the educational requirements and license required of any counselor, Christian or not. A secular counselor who would advise you to accept and act on same sex attraction would be harmful. And a well meaning minister or Christian counselor with a mail order bible college degree instead of a full psychology or psychiatry
degree probably can't give you the type of help you need and deserve.


You know that St. Paul had a "thorn" that troubled him, and even though he asked God to take it away, God did not.

2nd Corinthians 7-10
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Never forget that God's grace is sufficient, and it is the cracks (in us) typethat let in the light!

 

[Tecknoblade]

i know its hard but i am goint through it too and trust me the Lord our god who dilivered us from sin by giving up his only son will help us get through this, you will be fine, for this too shall pass...pm me if you want to talk