So many issues

[ravendta]

I'm new to this forum, but I'm glad I finally found a place where I can talk to people that can help me find the right life with Christ.

That having been said, my life is full of issues. Sorry this post is so long, but I have to explain a lot for you to be able to understand my problems...

First and foremost, I've always had a problem with trust. The DTA at the end of my user name stats for Don't Trust Anybody. I don't really like the phrase myself, but it's something that I've had to live by for quite some time to avoid further scarring. My life has been nothing but a long string of trusts broken. Without going into detail, I had someone try to light my clothes on fire in middle school, had someone grope me from behind in middle school, and an endless line of other incidents. It got to a point where, in high school, I became the reluctant loner - with only aquintances but no real friends. Then, in senior year, I fell in love with a girl, and she (surprisingly enough) fell in love with me. We dated for about 10 months, and I was so totally in love with her that she was more important to me than my own life. Needless to say, I forged an emotional attachment to her - an attachment that still hasn't been broken.

Our split was nasty. The word painful cannot even begin to describe it. She wanted out, and I wouldn't let go. In a way, I still haven't let go. But the most hurtful things were the things she said... She told me I was worthless... That I didn't deserve to live... That no one would ever love me.. and on and on and on. Now, I know to any of you reading, that seems absurd. But when someone you love more than anything in the world tells you these things, you automatically believe them. And, based on my previous experiences with other classmates, I really truely believed that she was right.

It's been five years now since that happened. Halloween will actually mark the six year anniversary of our first date. I've tried so hard to get over her, but something in me just will not let go. I got rid of all of the things of hers that I had - gifts, letters, etc.. I cut her out of my life for these five years with the exception of an occasional "how are ya doin" on the 'net. I don't know how else to let go, and I certainly can't move on until I've let go.

My sister, and someone I know on the 'net tells me that I need to learn to be confident in myself, to be an individual, before I'll be able to get into a meaningful relationship again. While that does make sense to me, I don't think I can do it. I've been praying to God for five years now to make me emotionally strong, and confident. I want to be able to believe in myself, and not what others say. But a part of me believes that different people find their strength in different places. As I said before, before I dated her, I couldn't trust anyone... And, with the treatment I was getting at school, I didn't have any self-esteem or confidence in myself. Yet, when I was with her, I felt like I could fly. Nothing anyone said about me mattered, because I had her to back me up. She was my strength, and just knowing that I had a loving woman by my side gave me more confidence in myself than I ever thought possible. I was convinced that the Lord had sent her to help me lead a happier life - as well as to bring her to Him (she was not saved).

So, to make a long story longer, my lonely and painful life continues to spiral out of control. I don't know how to get over my ex-girlfriend, and I don't know how to become self-confident without a woman's strength and support to draw from. I can't do it alone.

Then there's my father. He's got Alzheimer's, and if any of you have gone through this, then I'm sure you know how hard it can be... and if any of you haven't gone through it, I pray it is something you'll never have to face... We've prayed and prayed for a miracle so that he could be healed (we don't believe that he is saved, but it was hard to tell) but he's only gotten worse. I know, the Lord usually does these things to send messages or teach lessons to other people. But this would mean that my father has lost his chance at salvation because now his brain isn't functioning well enough to even understand it. Why would God allow that to happen? Why would he allow a man to live on without the chance of salvation, especially in the face of a family that could potentially bring him to the Lord?

And there's one more problem I forgot to mention. It's a bit uncomfortable for me to talk about, but I've seen it mentioned a lot on one of the other forums, so I may as well add it to the list. I'm a masturbator. I do it at least twice a day. Been doing it for at least ten years, and been struggling to fight it for most of those years. I was never taught about it, I found out what it was on my own - after I had already become addicted to it. I know there's a lot of debate as to whether or not this is sinful, but I believe that it is one of the reasons God hasn't answered my prayers for help... I mean, why should he help me when I constantly sin against him? Everytime I say I'll try to stop, I end up failing and doing it again... Why should God help a pathetic person like me? And even if it ISN'T a sin, I want to stop. It makes me feel good physically, sure. But emotionally, it makes me feel horribly lonely.

I don't go to church (again, more past experiences of rejection and alienation) so my own studies of the Bible are the only nourishment I really get. Every time I work up the courage to try another church or take another step of faith, something happens to either hurt me, or push me away again. I dunno what to do, but I do know one thing...

If I had someone by my side, non of this would be nearly as difficult.

So, I was hoping for a little advice on all this... I've wrestled with thoughts of suicide again and again, although I am too much of a coward to actually go through with it, so its not really an issue. However, there have been many nights where I've cried myself to sleep - and if someone held a gun to my head, I know I wouldn't hesitate to tell them "Pull the trigger."

I need to find a way to fix my life. I need to get back on track, and let go of my ex. And I need to be able to do it alone (with the exception of God, of course) because no human wants to do it with me....

You know, my ex once told me that she never really loved me... if that is true, then that means that NO ONE outside of my family has ever loved me, and that hurts more than all the insults in the world... Where is my place in the Lord's plan? Where do I belong? DO I even belong?

Or am I destined to be "used" by the Lord to teach someone else a lesson? Will I eventually be driven to suicide, in turn teaching someone else a lesson which helps them in their lives? Sounds crazy, yeah... but if God doesn't do that, then why is he allowing my father to suffer the same fate?

Help me... please.

 

[AggieCatholic]

Hi Ravendta...I'm not going to claim that I can help you with everything you're going through or that I even understand it all...I do want you to know that God is there and He does listen. I also went through a period where I wondered (not wondered, actually, I thought I had it figure out) that of course God wasn't answering my prayers because of how sinful I was continuing to be. Well, news flash for both of us: we are ALWAYS going to be sinful until the very last day when we see our Savior face to face. Period. No matter how "clean" we are because we are children of the King, we're still going to sin--if we didn't, then what would be the point of hoping and waiting for eternal life? You see what I'm trying to get at? So please don't be discouraged and think He can't hear. I'm not saying that I have the answer and I'm sure everything I can say you've heard before. But do keep the faith. Keep praying.


Secondly, on your father...sorry that you have to go through that. My boyfriend's grandmother, who has since passed away, had dementia very badly and yes, it's awful. You know that these things are all part of the fall and therefore we have to deal with them and while asking God why is a good thing (to me it means that we believe that He's there and we are not just "coasting" but actively involved in a relationship with Him) don't start berating Him either because that's not a good thing. There are many great Christian men (and women) who endured more suffering in their lives than you and I ever will and yet, they made it. John Brainard (spelling?), John Owen, Charles Spurgeon, Elisabeth Elliot...just to name a few. Pick up any book by them and you'll understand what I mean. It's inspiring. Suffering draws us closer to the Almighty. We share in His crucifixion and pain. Remember this: as a child of God you are NOT under His wrath, but His mercy. Think about that for a while.

Third...I don't mean to act like I know everything, but I work in the health care field and so I see this every day...you should really consider talking to your family doc about these problems. Medication is NOT a cure-all solution. But it sounds to me as if you could use a push. When your body is so bombarded with junk and in need of chemicals that just aren't there because of all the stress you're going through, you just need to listen to it and help it. Please. Don't think of anti-depressants as a bad thing. They're not at all. You probably would only need a short course, just to help you get back on your feet. There are so many out there that are safe and well-tolerated and work fairly quickly. This way, maybe you can start being able to just live life a little more and then you might just get the drive that you need to find a church home (something you REALLY need to do--God did NOT mean for us to worship alone, that is why He gave us the Body of believers), find something else you can get involved in, and start the healing process from your break-up. Seriously, please consider it. I applaud every single one of the patients who come through our doors seeking that kind of help--they're far more corageous than the ones who sit at home sulking but refusing to get help. This would NOT make you less of a Christian, by the way, if that is a fear. In fact, it would just get your body moving so you can actually focus on your relationship with the Lord more. Believe me. I know all this from personal experience too, by the way!

Okay. Know that people are praying for you.
Be Blessed,
AggieCatholic

 

[DaveKerwin]

you need to grow as a person. Do you know how to become a man?

 

[ravendta]

you need to grow as a person. Do you know how to become a man?

I don't really know how to react to this. Are you trying to poke fun at my troubles? Or is there some other meaning behind this statement that I don't understand?

In this world, a boy is concidered to have "become a man" after he loses his virginity. Thanks, but no thanks. I have more respect for sex than that. I don't understand, what is the point of your comment? I know I need to grow as a person, but guess what: WE ALL DO. We don't stop until the day we die, and even then, who's to say our spirit won't continue to grow and mature as we walk with the Lord himself?

And if you ARE just poking fun at me, then thank you. Your comment has proven once again why I don't trust people, and why I am intimidated - even by other Christians. I came to this board looking for guidance, and I saw a lot of posts by people who seemed generally interested in helping each other in this harsh world. I'm trying to set things right... I'm looking for the light at the end of my tunnel... Don't discourage me, or anyone else from soul searching. Just because we don't all grow up as easily or gracefully as you have (and you must have, if you have the nerve to make a comment like that) doesn't mean we are lesser people.

But if there is a deeper meaning behind your comment, please explain, because it comes across as arrogant and rude.

AggieCatholic, thank you for your advice. It means a lot to me to know that there is another person out there who cares enough to spend time to write out a big post like that. And I appreciate your prayers. You are very kind to include me in your dialogue with the Lord. Here are just a few thoughts about what you said...

While it is true that humans will always be sinful, it is also true that we can control and eliminate many sins from our lives. Knowing that masturbation is one of the most prominant sins in my life, I really want to cut it out completely. I mean, if there was any particular sin that I could choose to erase from my life, it would be that (and the lust that goes along with it.) I just wish I could figure out a way to stop... but everything I've tried has failed, and it makes me feel like I'm constantly failing God.

Paul, without a shadow of a doubt, suffered much more than me. I constantly remind myself of that, and I'll be the first to admit that if I had to go through some of the things he did, I don't know if I'd survive... He was a strong and faithful man, and I wish I had the emotional strength and unyeilding faith that he does. Unfortunatly, when I look at my Dad, and see what he has become, I just can't help but wonder why God would allow him to fall into this degenerative state without salvation... I don't know what good it could cause. And... I miss my father.

Medication has been recommended to me several times over the years. The main reason I haven't done it is because of my family. I have two brothers and a sister, all three of whom have married and moved out to begin their own families, and none of them required medication. I know, I'm not them, I'm my own person with my own problems... But try telling that to them. If I were to suggest prozac or something like that to my Mom, I know she'd laugh and say that I was just being silly. Sometimes I think she has a bit TOO MUCH confidence in my abilities, because she seems to think I should have the emotional strength to do anything I want. After all, my siblings did, so why can't I? It would make me look and feel like less of a person to them... Ya know, "We found success on our own, and we didn't need drugs to do it!" ... Is that right? No. Should it bother me? No. DOES it bother me? Yes. As I said in my last post, I have no friends... Family is all I have... I don't want to give them reason to abandon me too, ya know? Don't get me wrong, I'm not ruling out the possibility of trying to get medications... I just have my fears and concerns about it all, and I don't want to end up making things worse than they already are...

Thanks for replying to my post... Like I said, it means the world to me.

 

[Anastasia]

Raven, I have had a lot of struggles in my life, especially with self esteem, and I can tell you that your true authentic self, your true inner power and confidence, cannot come from friends, it cannot come from family, and it cannot even come from God if you want my honest answer. It comes from within yourself, certainly the grace of our Lord can empower us, but we have to know how to do that, and sometimes psychotherapy and antidepressants are tools neccesary for our emotional salvation. My recommendation is therapy and medication, and who says you have to tell your family about it? It really is none of their business. Besides, this is about doing something for yourself, trying to overcome your pain is not selfish, having pain such as yours, is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of someone in need, and there is nothing wrong admitting that. In life we all have needs, we all have voids to fill in our souls, the Lord is there to guide us in the right direction, faith is there to comfort us through our tribulations, but we're fooling ourselves if we believe that being a good Christian alone can cure chemical imbalances or emotional disturbances. Being a believer will help you, never let that go, but please, embrace the therapy and medicine out there for you that can cure your pain. When you do so, there will be such a freedom, one that you could never imagine. You say you felt such elation when you were with that girl, but you were still just a slave to a force outside yourself. That was not love, that was dependence, it was neediness. After therapy and medication, you'll experience what true love is, because you'll feel it from within, and most of all, you'll feel it radiating from the arms of our Lord Jesus Christ. Sometimes we are too sick with pain and disturbances to let the love of God into our hearts, but have hope Raven, you can help yourself. Don't let fear consume you, it'll end up killing you, trust me.

God bless you, I pray that despite the insecurities you may have about seeking professional help, that you pursue it anyway.

In Christ,
Anastasia

 

[chriso]

Remember no problem is too big for God to handle. You are his creation and you are worthy to be loved and don't let anyone tell you differently. I would suggest you get someone you can confide in maybe a pastor or counselor. Satan attacks us in our weakest areas. You need to feel good about yourself. God Bless You and I will be praying for you.

 

[fieldsofwind]

Hey bud, here's the deal, as I see it.

First, you've got to want Christ. You are wanting a solution to any number of problems, but what I've got to want, and what you've got to want, is Christ alone...

Would a future wife be elated to find out that you married her in order to have a solution to your problems? Nope... she wants you to want her, just like Christ wants you to want Him in a true love kind of way.

Once you do that... the lust (MBation) issue that you said had a hold on you will be overcome. Why? Because you will not be you any longer... you'll have begun the transformation into the image of Christ on earth that you're suppossed to be.

Loving Christ is so hard too... thats just a fact. How much time a day do you spend focusing on Christ? Are you more concerned with what Christ sees you do or what your friends see you do? You've got to hate the flesh to serve Christ, and that is a da!# hard thing to do. You've got to want so badly something that speaks to you from within and tells you that he alone is the Living God.

Once you do that, bro, you won't care what your circumstances are or how much pain you're experiencing. Your entire purpose will be defined by "holding on" to Christ through hell and back again... no matter what, everyday, everytime, every inch... you've got to fight to keep going. You've got to tear and claw at the ground with your fingernails for every inch of ground within yourself to win for Christ. You've got to be willing to tear yourself to pieces for Christ. Why? Because thats what living is. I'll tell you this much, in any fight... its the guy who's willing to die who's gonna win. And, if you want to have any life anymore, then you've got to be willing to fight and die for that voice who says he's God, every single time... everyday... every inch.

Thats what being a "man" is all about... its an everyday battle that you've got to give all of yourself to in order to win for Christ. And, you know, why do should I do that? Well, that all goes back to that loving Christ thing. If you love Him, if you really want Him, then you'll do whatever it takes. And, you'll start knowing that you are a man, and it won't matter what anyone does or says, nor will it matter what circumstances you're faced with. Your confidence will be out of the building, so to speak.

I promise.

After you grab your balls and take this stand... I suggest that you pick up the book "Wild at Heart". Nothing in a book will ever give you an easy way at success with Christ. All it does is confirm what Christ has already portrayed for you, and put within you Himself.

Hey, remember, this isn't an easy road to travel... its freakin crazy actually, and many times it will be freakin painful (physically and mentally.) I can guarantee you that it will be insanely challenging mentally... and guess what... you 've got what it takes, because my God said so.

Stand strong bro... you really are a man and a warrior. Its what God made you from the beginning.

FOW