Being a Cigar-A-Fish-A-Nod-O, I have people telling me all the time, that I should not smoke, or the evils of tobacco or yadda, yadda, yadda. Here are some great comebacks, when somebody tells you, "Put out that cigar.".
What are some of your favorite "Smart-alec" comebacks, to any situation?
1."Is it the smoke that bothers you, or the sight of someone enjoying himself?"
2.The Response Literal - "Put out this cigar? Seems kind of silly, but sure. Now wait a sec while I light another..."
3.The Response Coy - "I'd love to, but I'm afraid you'd think I'm easy."
4.The Response Ingenuous - "What a coincidence! You're the third person to ask me tha---oh, it's you again."
5.The Response Juvenile - "Who died and made you the Fun Patrol?"
6.The Response Existential - "What does it matter?"
7.The Response Newlywed - "Gosh, darling, our first fight. And just think, we'll be able to repeat it every time I light up."
8.The Response Recidivist - "My parole officer says it steadies my nerves."
9.The Lie Direct - "I'm not smoking."
10.The Lie Circimstantial - "Were I smoking, your request, however rude, might be worthy of reply."
11.The Retort Courteous, to female - "My cigar is beautifully made, gives pleasure, and is silent. You, madam, posess two of these virtues."
12.The Countercheck Quarrelsome - "If I do, sir, upon whom shall we blame the stink?"
13.The Reproof Valiant, to male - "Sir, we are both blowing smoke, but I at least have the courtesy to be smoking a fine cigar."
14."No one said anything about my cigar when I was raising the flag on Iwo Jima."
15."I've often wondered which is ruder: smoking a cigar or interrupting a total stranger?"
16."Let me know if there's anything you enjoy. I'll come around and ask you to stop."
17."I can't. I'm researching a novel."
18."I'm an artist. My medium is smoke."
19."If I can't smoke near lowlife like you, where can I smoke?"
20."Does the smoke bother your nose job?"
21."I'm just doing this to keep bugs away. Guess it isn't working."
22."If I do, what will it leave you to whine about?"
23."I admire people who aren't afraid to be disliked."
24."Every time I light up, somebody asks me that."
25."Don't you know I only have a week to live? Who put you up to this?"
26."You're the third person to ask me that. And if I said yes now, it wouldn't be fair to the others."
27."If cigars are outlawed, only outlaws will have cigars."
28."I'm only authorized to light 'em, not put 'em out. You need a GS-17. Besides, I'm on my lunch break."
29."Put out that food. I'm trying to smoke."
30."Yes, sir, Captain Bringdown. Sir!"
31."I'll bet you're looking forward to martial law."
32."I hear you. I know where you're coming from. I just can't get behind it."
33."You must have a lot to think about."
34."I'll have you know this cigar is natural, organic, and without artificial ingredients, which is more than I can
say for your Gore-tex shorts, granola breath!"
35."Make me."
36."Sure. Say, there's something on the bottom of my shoe. Could you kind of flick it off for me?"
37.[Point to your watch and say loudly] "It's three
twenty-five!"
38."I can't hear you, I've got a cigar in my mouth."
39."What's really bothering you?"
40."Can I see some ID?"
41."Go peddle your child inappropriate contentography elsewhere!"
42."No, I won't sign your petition to aid Osamma Bin Ladden!"
43."How ironic... I lit this to keep you away."
44.[Hand the person a card which reads:] "You have just insulted a very wealthy person."
What are some of your favorite "Smart-alec" comebacks, to any situation?
1."Is it the smoke that bothers you, or the sight of someone enjoying himself?"
2.The Response Literal - "Put out this cigar? Seems kind of silly, but sure. Now wait a sec while I light another..."
3.The Response Coy - "I'd love to, but I'm afraid you'd think I'm easy."
4.The Response Ingenuous - "What a coincidence! You're the third person to ask me tha---oh, it's you again."
5.The Response Juvenile - "Who died and made you the Fun Patrol?"
6.The Response Existential - "What does it matter?"
7.The Response Newlywed - "Gosh, darling, our first fight. And just think, we'll be able to repeat it every time I light up."
8.The Response Recidivist - "My parole officer says it steadies my nerves."
9.The Lie Direct - "I'm not smoking."
10.The Lie Circimstantial - "Were I smoking, your request, however rude, might be worthy of reply."
11.The Retort Courteous, to female - "My cigar is beautifully made, gives pleasure, and is silent. You, madam, posess two of these virtues."
12.The Countercheck Quarrelsome - "If I do, sir, upon whom shall we blame the stink?"
13.The Reproof Valiant, to male - "Sir, we are both blowing smoke, but I at least have the courtesy to be smoking a fine cigar."
14."No one said anything about my cigar when I was raising the flag on Iwo Jima."
15."I've often wondered which is ruder: smoking a cigar or interrupting a total stranger?"
16."Let me know if there's anything you enjoy. I'll come around and ask you to stop."
17."I can't. I'm researching a novel."
18."I'm an artist. My medium is smoke."
19."If I can't smoke near lowlife like you, where can I smoke?"
20."Does the smoke bother your nose job?"
21."I'm just doing this to keep bugs away. Guess it isn't working."
22."If I do, what will it leave you to whine about?"
23."I admire people who aren't afraid to be disliked."
24."Every time I light up, somebody asks me that."
25."Don't you know I only have a week to live? Who put you up to this?"
26."You're the third person to ask me that. And if I said yes now, it wouldn't be fair to the others."
27."If cigars are outlawed, only outlaws will have cigars."
28."I'm only authorized to light 'em, not put 'em out. You need a GS-17. Besides, I'm on my lunch break."
29."Put out that food. I'm trying to smoke."
30."Yes, sir, Captain Bringdown. Sir!"
31."I'll bet you're looking forward to martial law."
32."I hear you. I know where you're coming from. I just can't get behind it."
33."You must have a lot to think about."
34."I'll have you know this cigar is natural, organic, and without artificial ingredients, which is more than I can
say for your Gore-tex shorts, granola breath!"
35."Make me."
36."Sure. Say, there's something on the bottom of my shoe. Could you kind of flick it off for me?"
37.[Point to your watch and say loudly] "It's three
twenty-five!"
38."I can't hear you, I've got a cigar in my mouth."
39."What's really bothering you?"
40."Can I see some ID?"
41."Go peddle your child inappropriate contentography elsewhere!"
42."No, I won't sign your petition to aid Osamma Bin Ladden!"
43."How ironic... I lit this to keep you away."
44.[Hand the person a card which reads:] "You have just insulted a very wealthy person."
