Smug Marrieds!

[jenptcfan]

We aren't fussing because our married friends won't drop everything for us. I don't think any of us expect that.

All I expect is some kind of interest in keeping in touch or staying interested in what's happening in eachothers lives.

From my example earlier, I don't see why it's such a stretch to think that someone I lived with for 4 years and was best friends with, suddenly has SO little in common with me that she can't meet up for lunch once every blue moon. If I had made no effort to make that happen, then it would be my fault for "allowing myself to feel that way", but I have gone out of my way to try to get together with her, which she ignores from the beginning or cancels later. At that point it's not just a perceived notion.

I also have married friends who are great about still including me in stuff.

It's not all married people, but it does seem as if some people start thinking very highly of themselves once they're married and don't want to interact with singles anymore.

 

[mina]

I have a married friend that's great! I'm still her friend no matter if i'm married, single, purple or green. She also is 25 years older than me and we have a lot of differences but yet we are still great friends that can hang out and serve the Lord together. I have many many married "friends" that are my age that treated me like trash the second they got engaged. When my dad was sick with cancer and I really needed a friend to lean on, those same "friends" told me I was selfish for asking for prayer or asking one of them to hang out when they had to spend time with their fiance. And I also got told that I was single because I was a bad selfish person and if I could change and get a boyfriend I could hang out with them more. Please!, I chose to bear my grief on my own from then on out. I would rather be with out a friend than with a friend that couldn't love me for who I was. It made no difference to me if they were engaged or not, but I do care if they treat me or others with dignity. And after experience how I was treated by them and how they treated another single friend of ours, I decided to leave that friend group because I saw no friendship. Real friends don't tear each other down when one is going through a rough time just because they don't share the same marital status. Either it's real friendship or it's not. I've experiened a very ugly side to marital status promotion and personally I never want to treat anyone the way I was treated and don't plan on doing that. The fact is that some people, upon being engaged, let it go to their heads and act like real jerks to their single friends. I hate hate hate the fact that people do try to make themselfs feel important by putting someone else down or demeaning their position in life. No one should have to be anyone's whipping boy or girl just because they aren't on the same life stage or whatever. I think God taught me a lot about how NOT to treat people through what i've experienced. And I hope one day to be married, but by the grace of God may I never treat anyone the way my married "friends" treated me and others. And thank God not all married people are like that.

 

[JessB]

Wow. I was depressed when I started reading this thread, and now I am even more depressed.

I am 25, single, never been engaged, and heading down to Florida to room with my friend and his new wife (who are around my age). Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be married. I want to... but I am so lonesome. Making matters worse I am now coming out of transsexuality (i.e. living for four years as a woman instead of the man I was born as) so I have to deal with the changes of hormones and attitudes necessary to reassert myself as a male. I am so very depressed and don't know what to do.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Wow Jess - thank you for saying that to us - it puts a lot of things in perspective, and my hat goes off to you, and you're in my prayers now!

I guess I just feel sad because in the space of 6 months ALL my closest friends got married, and suddenly don't feel the need to talk to me anymore. I understand life is slightly different now, but I have also gone through the things they're going through, and could possibly help them out a little (ie balancing finances with someone else, adjusting to someone with you at home, etc etc). However, I don't rate a mention anymore, and it hurts - maybe if it was just a couple of friends who'd got married, I wouldn't feel so bad, but seeing it's EVERY person I hung out with at church bar one, it's been a major adjustment.

The only singles now are aged under 19, still at uni/school, and it's hard to associate with people who are not interested in the issues that come with my life stage (work, serious relationships, being out of home, etc). Everyone who is at that stage is married now, so I've lost my entire network of socialising in the space of 6 months.

I wasn't feeling 'it's so unfair' but more 'where have all my friends gone'. I know it's easy to go and find new ones, but the only one's left at church are 30+ with kids, or the aforementioned schooling, at-home teenagers whose interests really don't provide me with a stimulating conversation anymore.

I'll deal with it, it's just hard to have lost 10 of my best friends all at once, and to feel excluded from their dinners/coffees all of a sudden.

Sasch

 

[klewlis]

Wow. I was depressed when I started reading this thread, and now I am even more depressed.

I am 25, single, never been engaged, and heading down to Florida to room with my friend and his new wife (who are around my age). Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be married. I want to... but I am so lonesome. Making matters worse I am now coming out of transsexuality (i.e. living for four years as a woman instead of the man I was born as) so I have to deal with the changes of hormones and attitudes necessary to reassert myself as a male. I am so very depressed and don't know what to do.

Take heart! It will be ok... I know that is cliche and I don't mean it to be. I understand how difficult it must be to go through these changes, especially after having done it once before. I hope that your friend and his wife will be supportive. Don't let our experiences cloud your anticipation of moving in with them! Maybe it will be great. Loneliness sucks. I hope that you will be able to find some close, faithful friends while you are there.

Some of my favourite words from Rich Mullins:
"If I stand, let me stand on the promise that You will pull me through.
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you."

In other words, we can trust God to be faithful whether we are doing well or not. This is good news!

 

[gsmithcat]

I've had quite a few friends get married recently as well. In my experience, they don't seem like they've become smug so much as busy doing other things. It's a joke at my church that married people tend to fall off the face of the earth.

I've got one friend that I still hang out with a lot, and I'm good friends with his wife.

I guess one of the things I've had to learn with "losing" friends to marriage (as well as other things such as moving away) is that in the end, God is all I need.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Speaking of the military theres an organization that throws singleness in your face.

You know, I didn't realize how much bias there was in military against singles until just recently. Our local reserve unit left back last fall for Iraq. My neighbor's son was one of the young men deployed. I was talking to him and he was telling him about all the young men in the unit that get married right before they left just to get the extra benefits that the married folks got as opposed to the singles.

I have a person now in my church at we were friends in high school and college. But after she got married and had a child, it was as if we weren't on the same level anymore because I wasn't married and didn't have children. Like she couldn't carry on a conversation with me because I wasn't in her "club". All of a sudden, we had nothing in common, at least in her eyes. It was very hurtful. But, I have also discovered other friends in my church. It's funny, most of my friends now are older than me and know that isn't your marital status that determines your worth. Yeah, there are sometimes I feel excluded from the conversation, but I know it isn't intentional and they make sure to include me in other areas. I also get told that they wish they were in my shoes-no children and no husband so that they could come and go as they pleased sometimes. So, I guess the grass is always greener......

 

[Paul 888]

Does anyone else find that people that are getting married generally tend to invite only other married people to the wedding, or engagement...... this annoys me....... your're almost invisible in Church if you are not part of a "couple unit"

Also i find that people that are married lose all empathy for your single plight

For example i struggle with being single, i want someone special, but the exact same people that i used to confide in and them confide in me, now just blow me off with the "don't worry about it, you think about it too much, it'll happen one day" end of discussion..... it's like, i don't want to moan for hours about it, just sometimes i get down (as we all do) and it is nothing to be ashamed of, but you are made to feel ashamed of it, like you're some sort of needy loser

rant over

breathe out breath in

 

[Xen_Antares]

For example i struggle with being single, i want someone special, but the exact same people that i used to confide in and them confide in me, now just blow me off with the "don't worry about it, you think about it too much, it'll happen one day" end of discussion..... it's like, i don't want to moan for hours about it, just sometimes i get down (as we all do) and it is nothing to be ashamed of, but you are made to feel ashamed of it, like you're some sort of needy loser

I noticed that too, and like you it ticks me off. Being told that doesnt exactly help the situation, in fact it emberraces me to some extint, like Im too stupid or immature to realize that.