Smug Marrieds!

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I posted this in CC as well, but will voice it slightly differently in here...

Before I start - I love the idea of marriage, I'm all for it, and I hope to join in it one day!

There are 10 couples in our church getting married this year - 8 have had the ceremony, the last 2 are in October and December. We keep asking the minister what he put in the water

Before the wedding, all these girls were having the exact same conversations - dresses, shoes, receptions, flowers, etc etc. I couldn't wait until it was all over and done with so that these 'psycho brides' could go back to normal, deep conversations! Don't get me wrong, I liked talking about it with them, but after the 3rd couple, well, you get my drift...

Now, that the weddings are over, they've all seemed to form this clique, one that I can't have a part of. They sit together and talk about how great the sex is, how great it is to have hubby there in the morning, and how many adjustments they've had to make.

I'm the only girl over 21 in my church now that is unmarried, and I can't seem to fit in anywhere. Thankfully I have some guy friends I can still talk to, and I am starting into a relationship, but I miss the way it used to be with my friends. Now, whenever I try to join in with conversations it's like I don't count and I wouldn't understand, cos I'm not married.

Well EXCUSE me! I've been engaged, I've been intimately involved with a guy, and I've moved out of home, so I have HEAPS to say about weddings, marriage, sex, and the adjustments when you move out of home. But I'm continually shut out.

All the single girls left are 16-19, and are either single or in 'puppy love' stage, and we really have nothing in common there. I've been working for 3 years now, and so talking about school/uni/my latest crush/etc doesn't really excite me anymore.

Now that I'm starting on a serious relationship, they all started mentioning the 'M' word - which is so unfair. Yes, this guy and I have been great friends for years, but we are in no way ready to start talking about marriage - we JUST started our relationship! I am going OS in 2 years (for 12 months) and he has so much he has got to do before marriage comes up - it's not fair to us to assume that we're planning an engagement too!

Has anyone else had to deal with this? I love celebrating with them, but the minute they get into deep conversation, it seems my opinion doesn't count cos I'm not married, therefore my relationship can't possibly be 'real'.

I'll stop now...

Sasch

 

[Raanan]

Eh, can't say I've really experienced that. Everytime someone starts pulling elitist **** like that on me I contemplate it for a moment then just toon them out and find something else to do.

Maybe it's unintentional though. Talk to them about it. If it continues, move on. Life is too short to be hindered by someone else's social problems.

 

[Xen_Antares]

Ahh yes the infamous married cliche's. One of my oldest and best friends had this happen to him. We used to talk about anything and everything. Then he tied the knot, dont get me wrong Im happy for the guy, I love him and his wife dearly, however everything changed. Which Im sure, they do, however I felt as if I were treated as a child by him, perhaps not intentionally, but it was there. He seemed to forget I left home shortly after high school, joined the military and had seen a whole lot more then he had, he never left home til he got married then he was just down the road.

Speaking of the military theres an organization that throws singleness in your face. Not only were the singles placed in these tiny rundown rooms and forced to eat government meat, they were paid a whole lot less and subject to room inspections where the stupidest thing could get you wrote up, something like having trash in the trash can. Im not talking about trash overflowing the can, Im talking a tissue or a candy bar wrapper would be all that was required to get you in trouble.

They'd also have base picnics and we were forced to have "mandatory fun", if the picnic was at noon everybody reported to duty on time but those who were married were allowed to leave an hour early, go home get changed and take their brats to the picnic. Singles had to remain at work until something like 1pm report to the picnic, still in uniform and got what the families left, luke warm soda that was nasty and generic. We just prayed to God we didnt spill anything on our uniforms, then the families got to go home and the singles got to clean up. Yay!

Were have the champions of singleness gone? Why must everything evolve around the family and the married couple? I know Im not the only here who has been treated as second class because he is single at the ripe "old" age of 26. Especially because I dont have a girlfriend at the time so therefore Im either gay and hiding it or gay and not knowing it, or I have no drive to improve myself or something. Whats up with this ****? Is it any wonder single people are miserable? Its bad enough we have to be lonely, but the marrieds have to throw salt in open wounds.

Like everything else its divided between the haves and have nots.

 

[mina]

yes it hurts, really deeply. I even cried last week. Because I help with the Awanas ministry at church, and i'm the only unmarried young woman helping. Well the married women all begged me to help with the registration night because I don't have a family so I must have tons of time on my hands (haha), so i went and I stood around and stood around because there was no where to help, the tables were all full. And the lady in charge told me to just stand there until someone needed me. I stoood there for 2 hours!!!! Because everytime I was about to leave, one of them came over tome to say "you aren't leaving are you, we need you" . I finally just left and cried on the way home because it felt like my ministry wasn't good enough because I didn't have kids that were involved in the program and I couldn't possibly understand. It felt like my heart broke. Because I want to minister to kids but I've always felt that singles are not fully accepted into doing that if there are married moms that want to do it also. I dunno, i just felt used and it hurt

 

[jenptcfan]

I, too, have witnessed this phenomenon. My best friend and roomate from college got married the summer we graduated. I was in her wedding. After graduation, I happened to get a job in a town that's 30 minutes from her. Every now and then she will send out a group email to our college friends, but I've tried on occasion to say "Hey, it's been a long time since I've seen you, let's plan lunch sometime soon...I'm free on Saturday, do you have plans?" And instead of responding to say "No, I have plans." or "No, I don't want to have lunch with you.", she just doesn't respond at all.

It's not just me that she does that to. She's like this to our other college friends that she was close too as well.

I understand married people not having as much time to do stuff with their single friends and everything, but I wouldn't think having lunch with someone once every 6 mos. would be a big deal! lol

OK..vent over!

 

[KeilCoppes]

I sometimes wonder - when you go through experiences that majorly change your world, military, marriage, the mission field, children - does it perhaps change your thought patterns and you naturally look for those who share them? Is it just that we all like to have that special shared something that we can point at mentally and check off that we are indeed special, that we belong to a select group? Or is it just that we either don't notice or don't naturally go through the effort of reaching out to those in different situations?

The human heart does slide easily, often more easily in negative directions than positive. It happened to me this week before the world reset. I realized this last week that it is quite probable that I will never have children of my own, not because of lack of ability, but simply because of singleness and faithfulness and honesty in what I believe.

 

[Stanfi]

Yes, I too know to which you are refering. Before the wedding that is all they talk about. After the wedding it's all they talk about. They get completely self absored in their own little rose colored marriage world, and seem to be disconnected with everyone else.

They make you feel rather isoltaed, what you are facing on going through doesn't matter.

IMHO, when this happens, it is best just to back away from the relationships and go find some people who value you and want to spend time with you.

 

[peaceblossom]

You know what's sick, the people who are just dating that get sucked into their own world. I can't tell you how many friends I've lost to relationships as a whole. It almost seems like people don't want to have a balanced life. I mean it's hard to keep most things together and balanced, but it really bothers me that they forget about me when they're involved then when they're single again they want to contact me. I've spoken to them about this but nothing good came of it, so I spend most of my time alone and online.

But I don't like how single people are treated. Very unfair for the most part. But if you can find people who can keep a balance and treat you with respect and maintain a good friendship I applaud you. I'm still looking for real friends altogether.

 

[Xen_Antares]

I've spoken to them about this but nothing good came of it, so I spend most of my time alone and online.

Thats my one liner *LOL*

Has anybody else here checked out the OP's other thread of the same topic in the CC forum? It has gotten quite different responses.

 

[peaceblossom]

Thats my one liner *LOL*

Has anybody else here checked out the OP's other thread of the same topic in the CC forum? It has gotten quite different responses.

What's the link, I can't seem to locate it.

 

[Xen_Antares]

http://www.christianforums.com/t735182&page=2

There ya go!

 

[peaceblossom]

lol, I had to post in the other thread too.


I think I'm too silly for my own good sometimes.

 

[Xen_Antares]

ahh but silly is good It helps get past your boredom

 

[Tuffguy]

Married people are just plain boring.

 

[klewlis]

I have often felt the same way... and it has been awful because ALL of my friends are married--they started right after highschool and well... that was nearly 10 years ago. I can only think of two friends who did not make me feel that way. Both of them stayed really balanced and grounded, and made a conscious effort not to change in our relationship, or to treat me any differently. As a result, those two are the only ones who have not caused angst in me.

now the others are getting to the point where they realize that it's not all roses, and some are starting to wish they were single again. Some are even *becoming* single again. And they are realizing that my life as a single person is just as valid as theirs--I have a career, ministry, friends, hobbies, etc. I have been able to establish myself and be independent, and live a happy and fulfilling life.

Part of the solution has been convincing MYSELF that my life is as valid single as it would be married. That is tough when I am the only one. But I am not *behind*, just in a different track.

Still, one of my best friends, whose marriage is falling apart, continues to treat me as though I just can't possibly ever be busy, tired or broke, since I'm single... in spite of the fact that I work two jobs, one of which is full time overnights, volunteer in the community, am involved in the church, and have a hundred other things going. But oh, it's not a baby, so it doesn't count. I'll mention that I need a nap, and she'll say, "but you slept until 1 today" and I have to defend myself and remind her AGAIN that yes, I slept until 1, but I didn't go to bed until 9am, which means I only got 4 hours of sleep. She just cannot comprehend it.

 

[Tumburu]

How many threads are people of different social circumstances going to go gunning after one and other? You can always find singles complaining about married people and vice versa. You all know that marriage is a huge, life altering experience. Why would you ever think that that person would be exactly the same to you and have the exact same priorities? Being in a marriage is an enormous time commitment. It has to be if it is going to succeed. Also, for better or for worse, people tend to gather around those who are similar to them. I have found when I'm single, I hung around other singles because we had a lot more in common and our schedules were often similar. When I'm dating, I find I prefer to go out with other couples since it's cool to involve your SO and you can discuss lots of "dating" issues. Now that I'm engaged, I'm sure when I get married, I'll find it easier to identify and relate to married couples. It's just part of growing up and changing. You can't be the same thing to everyone your whole life. I think people need to accept that and enjoy the relationships they have while they have them.

 

[Xen_Antares]

How many threads are people of different social circumstances going to go gunning after one and other?

Considering thats sort of the point. We have alot of people on these boards from alot of different countries, backgrounds and cultures. Each of us have different life experiences, and run into problems or peeves we can not stand or understand so we ask advice, here among brothers and sisters.

You can always find singles complaining about married people and vice versa.

Of course. The grass is always greener on the other side. Marriage has its advantages and disadvantages and singleness has its advantages and disadvantages. When someone is married they want the marriage benefits, and regain the single benefits, and visa versa.

You all know that marriage is a huge, life altering experience. Why would you ever think that that person would be exactly the same to you and have the exact same priorities?

Its the meaning of friendship. I dont think anyone is saying that they are mad that their friends dont drop everything and hang out with them like they used to be able to. Its the feeling of exculsion, like you are no longer worth being friends with. The nature of the friendship will automatically change, but to cast out old friends for new friends for the reason of the old are single and the new arent seem's, elitist and wrong. Its like winning the lottery and not wanting to have anything to do with your poor friends cause they have no money and your new ones do.

[/quote] I have found when I'm single, I hung around other singles because we had a lot more in common and our schedules were often similar. When I'm dating, I find I prefer to go out with other couples since it's cool to involve your SO and you can discuss lots of "dating" issues. Now that I'm engaged, I'm sure when I get married, I'll find it easier to identify and relate to married couples. [/quote]

Alot of us here are in our mid to late twenties and early thirties, alot of our friends who arent married are seriously dating, or engaged. Its getting more difficult to find friends that we have things in common with, especially singleness. Out of my group of friends, one is married, another is divorced, and the third is engaged, Im the only one who is perpetually single.

It's just part of growing up and changing. You can't be the same thing to everyone your whole life. I think people need to accept that and enjoy the relationships they have while they have them.

If your friends wont be there for you then whats the use of having them? There are many life altering events we go through, and we are constantly changing. Friends we have now will eventually fade into the background, eventually becoming faces in the crowd. New friends will emerge only to do the same, sometimes old faces come back. This is part of life, this I think we all understand. There is a difference however. Life changing over the course of time and growing a part is one thing, having something big happen like marriage and casting aside your old friends because the "couldnt understand" is very wrong. What is there not to understand?

 

[Tumburu]

I am in no way saying friends should be disposable. I am saying that people's priorities change, and you need to give them leeway in that.

There is also a very important point here. YOU are the one to decide how you feel about your friends not spending as much time with you. I think it is unfair to place the blame on them for "making" you feel bad. It's very true some people could treat others badly and make them feel thrown away, but you do have to remember that even in that circumstance, it is up to you on how you will react. If you believe someone is making you feel something by their actions, then you are mistaken. All that is internal.

Honestly, that's something I'm still working on. Sometimes it's very hard not to feel like someone's behavior has forced you, or made you, react in a certain way, but it is all up to you.

As to your "friends wont be there for you then whats the use of having them" statement, that is a very subjective thing. What exactly do you feel like the role of your friends is? If you feel that friendships should always remain the same, that they won't ebb and flow through life, then I think you will find the truth to be very different. Friendships grow and change like anything else, and that means some fade away, and others grow stronger. Perhaps as you continue to develop new friendships and go through life, you'll find that to be true.

Xen, I read your post too fast and you said exactly what I did, so that's cool you understand it. I guess you are going to have to give more grace to these people and understand what a huge change their going through. I stand by my point about being responsible for how you react to situations.

Anyway, I'm certainly not trying to say people won't ever complain about what they don't have. I guess I think it would be cool to read more about how people were either looking forward to marriage, or happy about their friends getting married instead of looking at it negatively and either being jealous or angry about it.

 

[Xen_Antares]

You get very used to it in the military. Friends there one day, gone the next. Never see em again. Sometimes they up and go unexpectedly, top secret orders and stuff. Losing friends, as weird as this sounds, actually became easier.

 

[jenptcfan]

We aren't fussing because our married friends won't drop everything for us. I don't think any of us expect that.

All I expect is some kind of interest in keeping in touch or staying interested in what's happening in eachothers lives.

From my example earlier, I don't see why it's such a stretch to think that someone I lived with for 4 years and was best friends with, suddenly has SO little in common with me that she can't meet up for lunch once every blue moon. If I had made no effort to make that happen, then it would be my fault for "allowing myself to feel that way", but I have gone out of my way to try to get together with her, which she ignores from the beginning or cancels later. At that point it's not just a perceived notion.

I also have married friends who are great about still including me in stuff.

It's not all married people, but it does seem as if some people start thinking very highly of themselves once they're married and don't want to interact with singles anymore.