Sleeping issues

[JustBoo]

My Dh is getting pretty fed up with having to 'put' our son to sleep. Admittedly I am getting a little anxious to have some peace in the evening too.I don't mind a short routine that includes a backrub or something but my poor little guy FREAKS out if I leave before he is deeply asleep. i'm unwilling to let him cry , he gets so upset -devastated even.
I read the no cry sleep solution didn't find it that helpful. He's 15 months now.
I am okay with ' methods' that take weeks to make work - I don't need a quick fix by any means - just need to feel like we're working towards something.
Even if it wasn't such a production to get him to sleep I'd/ my DH'd be happy. Right now it's always late , usually so late he's over-tired ( but if I try earlier he's even more resistant) and I lay him down on his mattress beside the floor , he crawls up unto our bed , i pull him back down -repeat 15 or 20 times , he squirms and fusses and whines and squirms and fusses and whines , he crawls up on our bed 15 times, he lays down is almost asleep , then starts to fuss and squirm and flip and flop. He appears to be asaleep I try to leave he notices im trying to leave and WIGS out. Repeat untill he finally conks out after anywhere from 20 to60 mins of this.
It is mildly annoying to me , unbelivably frustrating to my DH.
I feel like I';m totally ignoring my DH's frustrations if I don't at least try something. I also worry that i'm instilling bad habits in my baby. If it was a quiet gentle , sweet 10 or 15 minute rock it'd be a pleasant bedtime routine but the squirming and fussing and whining and fighting . . .not so precious.
So other then ' keep doing it' and ' throw him in bed and let him cry he'll learn' what options do I have? Anyone been here done this?

 

[Birbitt]

May I suggest a routine...something that will let him and his body know that bedtime is coming. For example what I did with my boys was this: 5:30 dinner, 6:30 family play time (our boys liked to be on the floor playing games) 7:00 Warm bath with relaxing lavender baby bath, 7:20 gentle rub down with baby lotion (again lavender for relaxing) 7:35 Cuddles in mommy and daddy's bed while reading a story 7:55 In to the bedroom with a sippy cup of water (if it was a really rough night for sleeping we'd use warm milk), rock baby for 15 minutes then put him in his crib. Turn on some soft music (we used cedarmont kids bible cd's) at this point we were able to just turn out the lights and leave. However in your case this may not work so you might try just sitting quietly beside his crib without looking at him or engaging him in any way, when he's asleep move quietly out of the room. Continue the crib sitting gradually increasing your distance from the crib each night until you are eventually sitting in the hall outside his room..then you are all set. The important thing right now is to give him ways to cope with putting himself to sleep. Also if he has a favorite soft toy you might try letting him take that to bed as well.

 

[rocklife]

make sure your baby has had enough to eat, and let the room be cool enough, those help to fall asleep. I am a single parent though, so I just went ahead and let my son stay with me as much as he wants, he still gets in bed with me and he's 7, but I'm sure you can break that if you keep trying. I hope things get better for you.

 

[CelticRose]

I'm a *so what* sort. If I had a fussy sleeper (& I had 2) I either sat & read beside them until they fell asleep or simply kept them with me. Some children are simply more insecure than others & need the extra contact because falling asleep is frightening & alienating. I agree with the routine. Routine does help them relax but if you are uptight bubs will be too & much harder to get to sleep. If you act like their shenagins aren't bothering you they too will relax.

 

[lin1235]

My dd is 18 months and I still help her fall asleep - and probably will for months and months to come. I actually like that time when it's just me and her, but in our case we're cuddling, not fighting. The times when she does struggle is very frustrating, so I get where you're coming from!

Another vote for a routine - when my dd gets tired in the evening, she'll ask for "bathtime" and try to climb in the bath, and she knows after that it's milk, cuddle and sleep. We rarely have any problems since we started doing this consistently. Even if we skip the bath now and then, it still works because I always sit in the same chair, and we put on her pjs, take her to that chair, cuddle etc.

Predictability is really key here. But it's going to take some work for you to help him find a new prediction, because right now he expects bedtime to include all the struggles you're describing.

You can try moving his bedtime earlier bit by bit. What time are you putting him to bed now? Try doing it 5 minutes earlier each day, until you find a time that works for him without too much struggles. I agree that he sounds over-tired.

Hugs to you, it can be really hard! It's wonderful that you're not just letting him cry.

 

[JustBoo]

Thanks everyone.
He has a bit of a routine , but something more definite and predictable might be helpful.
Starting today I am waking him up earlier. I think that was part of the problem , he was waking late , then napping late then of course going to bed late. It was a cycle , of course , because he'd fall asleep so late he would then want to sleep in. So this morning I woker him at a few minutes after 7 and he's gone for a nap now ( he went at quarter to 12 my time) and I'l wake him from his nap by 1:30 , perhaps , then hopefully he'll be ready for bed closer to 7:30 ish rather then 9:30 ish (or even later sometimes)
I'm pretty laissez faire about it all too . .but I feel like I have to respect what DH wants too - he wants him in bed earlier and easier but Dh wants quick fixes and advocates letting him cry - grrrr. Won't be happening if I'm within 100 yards!
If helping him get to sleep consisted of less struggling and fighting and more snuggling it wouldnt be so bad . . .

 

[CelticRose]

You could try a sling...I used to wear a jacket & zip it up outside the sling so it was very warm & dark for bubs & he could hear my heartbeat but this may not be practical for you as you are now in summer. And there was plenty of air circulating; just no outside stimulation, just in case anyone thinks this is a tad strange & not very healthy.

 

[Linnis]

A routine everyday, that's the same, in the same order that starts and ends at the same time. I used to nurse, bath, jammies & stories then rock him to sleep. I always began rocking him between 7:55 and 8:05.

As he got more used to the 'routine' I shortened it so his bedtime routine didn't have to include a bath because he got the point. He knew what would come next and he didn't need such a long and drawn out bedtime routine.

This week, we started him going to sleep in his bed, we moved so the reading was in his bed, then I lay him down and pat his tummy. The first night it took 32 minutes of him fighting off sleep, trying to get out of bed to play, kicking me etc. Tonight, day six it took 11 minutes and he was using his complain kind of cry.

Some would call the above CIO but it is what it is and I didn't leave him. I won't leave him to get too upset because he'll smack his head on the wall as hard as he can.

He's now sleeping an extra 2-3 hours a night, which means he wakes up earlier in the morning but it's a start.

He still wakes up 3-4 times a night but we're working on that too.

I can understand where both you and your DH are coming from.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

Just one thing to take note of--this stage of toddlerhood is fraught with separation anxiety-and you hang in there another 6 months, bedtime will get easier. Now is a great time to begin to implement the changes aforementioned in this thread--but in my experience--falling asleep issues for toddlers are developmental and disappear. (I do understand about feeling like you have to honor your husband by trying something...butdidn't want you to get discouraged)

 

[bliz]

Stop fighting it and just stay with you son until he is deep asleep. Use time time to relax and pray.

You will say up nights with your kids. You can do it when they are babies and build a bond between the two of you... or you can do it when they are teens who do not respect or obey you. It's much nicer to do it when they arer babies.

 

[TexasSky]

A routine really will help.
Not letting him get too tired before you try is another idea. The more tired a child is, the more they will fight sleep. The more relaxed they are, the less they fight sleep.
If being in your bed is an issue, make the routine something that would include reading in HIS bed.

With my children the routine included laying down to hear their favorite sing-along-tape, and a story read in a soothing voice. They were always out before I finished, and I never moved the minute I knew they were asleep.

I also kept a sound on in the room, softly, like a tape, so if they did wake up, they didn't instantly face "silence" and "alone". I kept night lights for the same type of reason.

 

[JustBoo]

Just one thing to take note of--this stage of toddlerhood is fraught with separation anxiety-and you hang in there another 6 months, bedtime will get easier. Now is a great time to begin to implement the changes aforementioned in this thread--but in my experience--falling asleep issues for toddlers are developmental and disappear. (I do understand about feeling like you have to honor your husband by trying something...butdidn't want you to get discouraged)

I hope you're right that in six months it will get easier . . I'm so scared that keeping things the way they are will just further entench this habit and that we'll always be doing it. I don't mind it so much now but in another year , or two ..or three . .it might feel a little overwhelming-especially if we have anymore children. But I also think all those shows and books that tell you that 'if you don't stop it NOW-TODAY!!! you'll be doing it forever are more scare tactic then they are fact . .just have to keep reminding myself of that . .