Sleeping issues!

[sammipher]

Heres the deal. Our little one has taken to sleeping with us...she wants someone to sleep with her at all times. See when we brought her home we took shifts so each of us would get some sleep...well she has gotten use to sleeping on the couch with one of us sleeping with her..or in the middle of our bed. Now we are trying to make that adjustment of her sleeping in the crib. We have bought two different type of wedges for her to lay on(that get that soft feel she gets from a fave pillow she loves to sleep on)...a bear with a heartbeat...a mobile...a night light, which she loves til it goes off (its got a auto switch on it and want run all the time)....we give her a binky..we turn out the lights and leave a lamp on...we play a rain cd....soothing music...nothing works(of course we dont do all these at once..we dont want to over stimulate her..just a light and one of the above noises)....she ends up crying til one of us picks her up..btw we moved the crib from the nursery to our room.
We contacted the baby doc today and my husband has asked docs at the hospital where he works about this and they say break her of it before she turns three months. That at this age her will is not that strong. The baby doc said..feed her, changed her, make sure she is not too hot or cold...put her in the crib and let her cry it out for no more than thirty minutes..comfort her and start all over....we tried that tonight..but after twenty minutes my heart could not take it...I was nearly in tears myself..I was even willing to sleep on the couch til she is five..but I know that is not reasonable. I miss sleeping with my husband...and him sleeping with me...we are at a loss. Do any of you have any suggestions? How many of you feel comfortable putting a barely month old in a nursery all by themselves?(I'm not sure if I could handle her being alone...we have a nursery monitor) I read in our baby book maybe her sleeping in a sep. room would be best for her and us..she wouldnt wake when we went to the bathroom and such...I also read to put her in the crib awake so she can learn those comforting skills herself...we have also put her a few times in the crib through out the week asleep to see what would happen and she wakes up suddenly and starts crying...forget a bassinet..we have tried that....any suggestions would be wonderful!

 

[Joykins]

I don't know what to tell you. If you want to cosleep there is nothing wrong with it but I certainly understand not wanting baby in your bed--I didn't want mine in mine either; they keep me awake all night.

Have you looked into a co-sleeper? It's a portacrib-like thing that you push up against the edge of your bed, and the baby is within arm's reach but is nevertheless in her own sleeping space?

Other things you can do--give baby a small thing of yours, that you have slept with, perhaps (if you're nursing) leaked a little breastmilk onto, for a lovey to hold when she sleeps, with your smell on it? Put baby in crib asleep and if she wakes, rub her gently until she sleeps again? Wait until she is DEEPLY asleep and then put her down? (BTW--don't believe that stuff about them "not learning to fall asleep on their own if you don't put them down awake." I have not found it to be true. I always put mine down asleep as babies if they could and they did eventually learn to fall asleep on their own, it's something that comes naturally with growth. Newborn age is stressful and exhausting enough for the family without subjecting you and your baby to something they aren't ready for).

Joy

 

[sammipher]

I don't know what to tell you. If you want to cosleep there is nothing wrong with it but I certainly understand not wanting baby in your bed--I didn't want mine in mine either; they keep me awake all night.

Have you looked into a co-sleeper? It's a portacrib-like thing that you push up against the edge of your bed, and the baby is within arm's reach but is nevertheless in her own sleeping space?

Other things you can do--give baby a small thing of yours, that you have slept with, perhaps (if you're nursing) leaked a little breastmilk onto, for a lovey to hold when she sleeps, with your smell on it? Put baby in crib asleep and if she wakes, rub her gently until she sleeps again? Wait until she is DEEPLY asleep and then put her down? (BTW--don't believe that stuff about them "not learning to fall asleep on their own if you don't put them down awake." I have not found it to be true. I always put mine down asleep as babies if they could and they did eventually learn to fall asleep on their own, it's something that comes naturally with growth. Newborn age is stressful and exhausting enough for the family without subjecting you and your baby to something they aren't ready for).

Joy

THANK YOU so much for your advice...I would much rather take advice from someone that has been there and done that..than some old book....and some docs go with new age approaches...so its hard to know what to do...we have seen the co sleepers..but the only prob I have with the co sleeping thing is I really dont sleep well with her...I am constantly waking up thinking I am going to roll over on her or checking to see if she is still breathing..I think what if she rolls next to me and smothers...I am a nervous wreck after sleeping with her...she is just so cute and helpless...it makes me feel like a terrible mom for making her cry it out...even for the thirty minutes..which she only made it to twenty before I broke down.

 

[CarrieAg93]

When my son was a few weeks old I stayed up all night holding him because the minute I laid him down he would cry. By 5 am I was exhausted and crying. After that DH laid down the law and said that our son was just going to have to learn to sleep by himself. We let him cry it out the next night. I don't remember how long it took, but it was hard to listen to him. Over the next few nights the amount of time it took for him to go to sleep decreased greatly until he was able to put himself to sleep easily. It doesn't take very long. I know many people believe CIO is cruel, but I don't. They have to learn to go to sleep by themselves at some point. My children are great sleepers now and have been since they were babies. My friends are amazed that we just put our kids to bed and they stay there all night. There are times when they come out or crawl in bed with us in the middle of the night, but it's not a habit. Bedtime is not a struggle. I know it's a tough decision to make. Good luck.

 

[Princessperky]

I recomend using a slow method so everyone gets sleep, even at first, I used the fade out, worked great. both DCs learned to self sooth easily.

[font=&quot]Fade Out[/font]

link

Bedtime was not and is not a struggle, we have our moments when new teeth are on the way or kids have colds, but I always get compliments on how easily they go to sleep when we have company here for bedtime, and that is with company!

 

[andiesmama]

We had Andie in our room with us in a bassinette for almost the first month, then we decided it was time for her to move to the crib...we were running across the problems of waking up every time she moved, she would wake up when we got up to go potty, that kind of thing...for a couple weeks we would put her into her crib after she was asleep and that DID NOT work for us! lol We found that we would have to tip-toe out of the room, and if for some reason she woke up we'd have to go back in and put her back to sleep.

Finally, I guess she was probably 2 months old, we did CIO as well....at her bedtime, after the last bottle of the night, we made sure she was full, had a clean diaper, etc and just put her into her bed. We wouldn't leave her screaming for hours on end, we would go in at intervals (5 min, 7 min, 10 min...) until she fell asleep. The first night I think it took maybe an hour, then it got progressively less...probably took about 4 or 5 nights, then she was falling asleep on her own.

It IS hard to hear them cry, but if you go in & check on her in intervals you can reassure her (and YOU) that everything is fine. Now we don't have problems with Andie sleeping at night, from then on she was able to put herself to sleep, even when she woke up in the middle of the night.

Not everyone believes in CIO, hopefully this won't turn into a huge bashing debate, and hopefully you'll get some great ideas & helpful tips!

 

[EmSchmem]

I agree with Debby. I opbviously haven't done this with my kid but I did this as a Nanny. the whole family was happier in just a couple weeks.

 

[Leanna]

My sister in law and I both used the same approach and had our babies sleeping through the night at the same age even down to the same week(her baby is a month older than mine) and we have been shocked that every parent we talk to says "How on earth did you do that??" and "My child didn't sleep through the night until 3 years old!" I am going to take a post about this subject from a thread of mstodds recently and modify it so I can save time.

This is how I got my baby to sleep through the night in his crib at a very early age. You have to be very consistant. I would never let my baby sleep on/with me during the night, only during day naps. I got all the extra cuddling in all day long so that at night he could learn to sleep on his own.

First, I made sure the lights were dim around the house at night so that he could differ between night and day. Then, at night we would feed him, change him, and put him right back to sleep. We would never talk and never play with him no matter how awake he was at 2 am. I would never take him out of his room to the kitchen. For the first 2-3 weeks he would be awake at all hours wanting to play, and sleep during the day etc, but we refused to play at night and were only really boring.

I also had to let him cry, which was really difficult, but my husband and I supported each other through it. Sometimes I would cry too while David cried in the other room. It was hard to let him cry, for both of us, but it helped him learn to sleep. I NEVER rocked him to sleep. I never put him to sleep with a bottle. I always laid him down awake but drowsy. So we would feed him, change him, and lay him down to sleep. Then if he cried, which he did, I would wait 5-8 minutes and go in and rub/scratch his back and say "its okay.." (really soft) or say nothing and then go back to my bed. I would lie there awake and wait 5-8 minutes, do it again. I would do that until he fell asleep. I got no extra sleep this way in the short run but in the long run it was very effective. IF he got really worked up(major crying) I would pick him up out of the crib and get him calmed down and then lay him back down.

It was really really hard to stick with it, and I know some parents would say I should have stayed up all night and been available at his every whim and call but I don't believe that. I believe that my son can be supported, loved and know that I am there for him any time he needs me, without my needing to stay up every night all night for the first three years.

At night, I fed him and changed him, that's it. I rubbed his back. I love him completely and I did this as much for him as for me. Now at 10 1/2 months he sometimes wakes up with a start and cries. I wait a minute and usually he goes right back to sleep. Sometimes he needs mommy to come rub his back and say, "its okay.." but he doesn't need me to rock him, sleep with him, make an extra bottle, get his pacifier from where it fell out of his mouth, etc.... because those are not things he learned puts him back to sleep. His crib is his safe place and he looks all cuddly and relaxed when I put him in there at night. It was worth the crying I went through in the beginning to see him now.

I would say it took 2-3 weeks for the major crying, then by 6 weeks he was sleeping 8-2am, feeding, right back to sleep 2:30-5:30, feeding, right back to sleep 6:00-7:30 then awake. By 8 weeks he did 7-9 hours before first feeding, three more hours of sleep then another feeding, then slept until 7:30ish. By 12 weeks he did 10 hours straight, 8pm to 6am. Yes I wrote all of this down, aren't I silly? I'm exact in my baby book keeping. Now he sleeps 8pm until 7am... he goes through phases where its 8-6 then 8-7 then 8-8 for a month.

Those first 2-3 weeks were SO hard with the crying. I know how hard it is to let your baby cry. You just have to set a goal of waiting for 5 minutes, or 8 minutes or 10 minutes however long you feel comfortable. It is definitely worth it. My son does not need to cry himself to sleep (he goes to bed with no crying now), that isn't the point, but babies need to learn WHEN to sleep (time wise) and what sleep looks like (oh, here I am in my crib and its dim so it must be sleep time) before they can go to sleep without crying about it.

You can PM me if you have questions about this.... I don't know what you would call this... its not CIO...

 

[andiesmama]

Then if he cried, which he did, I would wait 5-8 minutes and go in and rub/scratch his back and say "its okay.." (really soft) or say nothing and then go back to my bed. I would lie there awake and wait 5-8 minutes, do it again. I would do that until he fell asleep. I got no extra sleep this way in the short run but in the long run it was very effective. IF he got really worked up(major crying) I would pick him up out of the crib and get him calmed down and then lay him back down.

Those first 2-3 weeks were SO hard with the crying. I know how hard it is to let your baby cry. You just have to set a goal of waiting for 5 minutes, or 8 minutes or 10 minutes however long you feel comfortable. It is definitely worth it. My son does not need to cry himself to sleep (he goes to bed with no crying now), that isn't the point, but babies need to learn WHEN to sleep (time wise) and what sleep looks like (oh, here I am in my crib and its dim so it must be sleep time) before they can go to sleep without crying about it.

You can PM me if you have questions about this.... I don't know what you would call this... its not CIO...

That's just like what we did with Andie, I always thought that was the CIO method....well, guess it doesn't matter what you call it, just matters that it works!!

 

[Leanna]

Oh, well, now that I just read your post it does sound similar! Yay for what works!
However.... I thought cry it out according to what I saw on this thing on TV (like a study on the news) was where you would leave the baby crying for 45 minutes or LONG periods of time. They were studying babies and how long it took them to cry it out and the wouldn't check on them, they had video and would just watch and make sure they were okay and would leave them for 30 or 45 minutes.... I couldn't do that.... because its also important for baby to know that you will always be there if they need you...

 

[andiesmama]

Oh, well, now that I just read your post it does sound similar! Yay for what works!
However.... I thought cry it out according to what I saw on this thing on TV (like a study on the news) was where you would leave the baby crying for 45 minutes or LONG periods of time. They were studying babies and how long it took them to cry it out and the wouldn't check on them, they had video and would just watch and make sure they were okay and would leave them for 30 or 45 minutes.... I couldn't do that.... because its also important for baby to know that you will always be there if they need you...

Oh I agree! I guess I did a "modified" CIO then...I mean, there's NO WAY I could have left Andie crying for 45 minutes! But like I said, every time I would up it by a couple minutes before I went in to check on her & calm her down...I admit, it did get up to 20 minutes, but I think that's the longest she went. When we did it, I think though that she always was asleep within an hour of me putting her down initially.

Either that, or I've completely blocked it out of my mind in order not to re-live the experience!! lol

 

[Leanna]

Since I did this while David was a newborn, I was exhausted anyway from 3 hour apart feedings, so I was so tired at one point I was falling asleep even over his crying. So I started setting my alarm for 10 minutes so I made sure I didn't sleep while he was sad. I can't believe I got that tired though.... it was a couple days that it was that bad.

 

[Picture.Of.Obedience]

I took Leannas advice and now my son is doing much better. I had the problem with him only sleeping on my chest. I had to cut that once he fell on the floor. (how horrible huh) SO i got on here and asked advice. I took Leannas except for i havent put him in his crib yet, he is in our room in his bassinette still. We are just getting that established and then we are going to work our way into the crib by starting it a few naps a day, and then get into the night thing with it.,

before he would only fall asleep on me and now he will not fall asleep on me, he only fusses on me till i put him in his bed and he falls asleep on his own. he doesnt like sleeping on me, except i do allow 2 naps a day with mom and we both enjoy those.

he doesnt sleep long yet, up every 2-3 hours, but i cant stop that, he is just hungry and then he goes right back to sleep. so i cant complain, i gotta feed him right...

 

[sammipher]

Thank you all for the advice I really appreciate it...well lilly has been getting better on feedings..during the day she is like clock work every four hours or so...the doc told us that if she goes to sleep at night and we need sleep not to wake her on the four hour mark..let her tell us...so now sometimes I get five hours in before she wakes...but there again Im on the couch...we tried it once more again before bedtime last night...this time nearly three hours..of course we comforted her on 15 min intervals. At some point she would sleep and then wake up thirty min later...which I would go in make sure she was not wet...too hot or cold...already had a full tummy...then my hubby got called in and I admit I picked her up and back to the couch for us....I needed some sleep...I know with hubby up all night he would not be able to watch her long tonight before he went to bed being up all night and having to work all day...so again tonight we are trying it...we have set the crib up in the nusery again...we are trying to establish a little routine for her by giving a bath always at 7:30 and then feeding her around 8 or 8:30 during this time we are rocking her...cuddling with her...then its off too the crib...given no wet diaps of course...we are gonna try to put her down by 9 or so .....I know we have to be firm and stick with it...in the end we both will sleep much better...she want have to wake everytime we stir...and same with us...she grunts alot in her sleep...I am keeping all these posts in mind...I keep praying that that this will get easier on her as the days go by...no one likes to her their child cry...its heart breaking..but, thinking of her sleeping with me til she is twelve is not good either...ah...the joys of parenthood.

 

[andiesmama]

I PROMISE it will get easier as time goes by....if you stick with it you should see a significant improvement in about a week or so...

 

[bliz]

They have to learn to go to sleep by themselves at some point.

Do they? Why? And does it have to be at 3 months?

The notion of seperate bedrooms for individuals in a household is a very modern concept. Human being have been sleeping as families or in community groups for rather a long time and only the advent central heating really began to change things.

Babies want to be with their mothers. They have been feelling and listening to heartbeats and breathing been very, very warm for several months, and suddenly, overnight, they are expectd to sleep all by themselves, in a seperate room, down the hall. Why? Why do we not want our children to turn to us for comfort and secutiry? Why must they learn to fend for themselves so early in life? And why does baby need to sleep alone, while we go back down the hall and get to curl up with our husbands? Take sex out of the discussion - isn't it just nice to have your spouse there in the night? Wouldn't it be nice for baby, too?

We used a family bed. At one stage, we used a queen and a full sized bed shoved together on their box springs on the floor for all five of us. It was literally a bedroom! And it was wonderful! Everyone slept (after a short period of adjustment) and everyone was happy and everyone's needs were met. Nursig baby in the middle of the night was easy and without commotion. Mom and baby will actually get on the same sleep/wake cycle when they sleep close together so no more being awakened out of a deep sleep by a crying baby.

And when they were ready, they all happily went off to their own beds, coming back now and again for visits. They are not young adults and we still think it was one of the best things we did as parents.

 

[Picture.Of.Obedience]

sammipher, your lucky she eats every 4 hours, mine is every 1 1/2 to 2...... sigh....lol

 

[Leanna]

Take sex out of the discussion - isn't it just nice to have your spouse there in the night? Wouldn't it be nice for baby, too?

What if I don't wanna take sex out of the discussion? I only have one kid and I'd like to have more someday

All I'm saying is, I can respect your decision and I hope you can respect others. This isn't a matter of Bible v. non Bible its about how to raise our children. Sometimes it gets to feeling like the breastfeeding cosleepers think they are better than everyone else. At least the way posts sound.

 

[CarrieAg93]

Do they? Why? And does it have to be at 3 months?

The notion of seperate bedrooms for individuals in a household is a very modern concept. Human being have been sleeping as families or in community groups for rather a long time and only the advent central heating really began to change things.

Babies want to be with their mothers. They have been feelling and listening to heartbeats and breathing been very, very warm for several months, and suddenly, overnight, they are expectd to sleep all by themselves, in a seperate room, down the hall. Why? Why do we not want our children to turn to us for comfort and secutiry? Why must they learn to fend for themselves so early in life? And why does baby need to sleep alone, while we go back down the hall and get to curl up with our husbands? Take sex out of the discussion - isn't it just nice to have your spouse there in the night? Wouldn't it be nice for baby, too?

We used a family bed. At one stage, we used a queen and a full sized bed shoved together on their box springs on the floor for all five of us. It was literally a bedroom! And it was wonderful! Everyone slept (after a short period of adjustment) and everyone was happy and everyone's needs were met. Nursig baby in the middle of the night was easy and without commotion. Mom and baby will actually get on the same sleep/wake cycle when they sleep close together so no more being awakened out of a deep sleep by a crying baby.

And when they were ready, they all happily went off to their own beds, coming back now and again for visits. They are not young adults and we still think it was one of the best things we did as parents.

I'm not going to get into a debate. I did what I believe was best for me and my family.

 

[bliz]

I'm not going to get into a debate. I did what I believe was best for me and my family.

What if I don't wanna take sex out of the discussion? I only have one kid and I'd like to have more someday

All I'm saying is, I can respect your decision and I hope you can respect others. This isn't a matter of Bible v. non Bible its about how to raise our children. Sometimes it gets to feeling like the breastfeeding cosleepers think they are better than everyone else. At least the way posts sound.

I'm sorry if I came off sounding like I think our choice is inherently better than anyone else's choice. There are many ways to raise great kids, and kids all have different needs. However, if people who chose the CIO approach can freely and passionatly present their perspective on how they got struggle-free bedtimes, as you did CarrieAg, I think a healthy, helpful discussion can stand to have another view point also presented.

When I said "take sex out of the discussion" I didn't mean to forget about having sex. I meant that aside from sexual reasons, it is nice to cuddle up with someone and go to sleep, or have someone else there to reach out to in the middle of the night if you wake up from a bad dream, or just wake up to turn over. If this is something that we as mature adults enjoy, why do we think that a baby or a child would not enjoy the same?

As for sex... When people who knew we used a family bed would ask about sex I would say "Oh! You mean sex, in bed, at night. Oh, there's an idea! We'll have to try that sometime!" There are other rooms, other beds, other times of the day and sleeping babies tend to sleep very soundly. We did manage to have two additional kids after our first.