Singleness and its struggles

[JourneyRain]

Sometimes I think being single is a struggle because of how everybody else reacts towards singles. If your not married, there's something wrong with you or your not doing something and God can't bless you or reward you or whatever else people have said. No that's not it. And it has nothing to do with if I can handle having a husband and/or if I"m whole enough.

Sometimes it is so simple as there is no one to get married too. I mean seriously I haven't met any guy that is even worth getting married too. But people never seem to take that into consideration. They imply that I'm not doing something because I am not married.

This probably sounds like a rant but its something that bothers me immensly with how we talk towards each other.

Its the same thing with married people who choose not to have children. People think there's something bizarre there as well. But there isn't.

 

[mina]

I think a big problem is our way of thinking. many Christians are obsessed with marriage and hold it up as the only ideal. If you are single, then you aren't doing enough or you aren't pleaseing God, or there's something wrong with you that you need to fix. We are made to see marriage as a reward for all the good little Christians. But it's not always a reward. Some people force marriages in order to fit the norm, some marry anybody, and perhaps none if it had to do with God and His will at all. I know plenty of "good" Christians that desire to do God's will and work who are single, and I know some of them that are married. I also know plenty of Christians that are not serious about God or who are not following God at all and are married. This is what really irks me. The church has got to stop touting marriage and love as this huge reward or pay off for being obedient or "good". We should be obedient and "good" because we love Him, not because we think it's going to get us a spouse or any other kind of reward. I aloso hate the sterotype that the church loves that singles who want to get married and who desire to follow God's best in this area are just sitting around and doing nothing and haven't heard about how to follow God in your singleness. I mean if you love the Lord and you happen to be single , chances are you ARE serving the Lord in some capacity and using your time for Him. In fact in many situations the bulk of the people serving in churches are single and that can be abused because everyone thinks you have tons of time so they keep piling stuff on you, and making you feel guilty if you dare to say no- again by playing the single card. Not all people have this attitude towards singles , but many do and it's frustrating.
No one would dream of telling a woman that has tried to have a baby and had miscarriages that she's wasting her life away and that she can serve the Lord better without children anyways. Perhaps the dream is different for the single, but the pain of unfilled dreams can be the same.

 

[Niels]

I'd rather be single and relatively happy, than married to the wrong woman and miserable. There are times when I literally ache for a spouse, but would it be worth lowering my standards? Would that bring joy to God, or even myself for that matter? Probably not, at least not in the long-run... and the "long-run" is what marriage is all about anyway.

Not that my standards are unreasonable, I'm simply looking for a godly woman who can be my best friend, and the physical attraction is mutual. There are godly women, and there are godly women that I have a level of chemistry with, but can I find one who is my best friend? God may not have let us cross paths yet. Until he does, I'd rather remain single.

Incidentally, I used to put marriage on a pedestal. I truly viewed it through rose-colored glasses. My parents still have a healthy relationship, as do most of my siblings... but lately I've been noticing all the unhappily married folks. There certainly are a lot of them. What's strange is that most of these dysfunctional couples seemed extremely happy on the outside until they reached the breaking point. More often than not, you don't notice the pain until you really talk to someone about it... someone who has been secretly hurting for years. Sometimes they are compelled to keep up a facade in order to fit in with their genuinely happy married friends! Marriage is certainly not something to enter into lightly. It is potentially great source of joy, but also a great responsibility. Many seem to forget this when they tie the knot. It might help you to take some of what you hear from the seemingly ecstatic couples with a grain of salt.

 

[JourneyRain]

Perhaps the dream is different for the single, but the pain of unfilled dreams can be the same.

YES! You and I are thinking alike on a lot of these things. The pain of unfilled dreams hurts especially when its something you cannot change. If I get married, I want it to be because God wants me to and I want it to be a good marriage. If I don't get married, I don't want to be told its because I'm not good enough or I can't handle it and that's what so many people say to us singles albeit unintentionally. Its a dream of mine and if it never happens, its because it didn't happen and yes it can hurt because its a dream of mine. Dreams change sometimes through our choices and sometimes because we are not willing to sacrifice for lesser things.

 

[thekwizzitiveone]

I feel the same way about being single... (in reply to the first post)
I feel almost hopeless. I know I'm young and that someone is going to come around someday, but the thing is, no one ever has. I have never been on a date, I can never tell if a guy is attracted to me or not. I'm a little shy, but once I make friends I'm an extremely happy-go-lucky type of person. I don't know what it is. I'm always comparing myself to others... NOT GOOD. I need to stop. I talk to God about all of this practically every day, and I'm going to continue talking to Him about it. I believe that if God wants me to fall in love, that He's going to show me the right guy... And if He's already shown me the right guy, I think He's going to have to put an arrow above his head or something... *sigh* I wish I knew. I know, everyone says that, but I hate not knowing things. I hate worrying.
I just don't have enough trust in my Lord, I have to keep praying about it, and someday... my life is going to change. I just know it.

 

[Silver Speak]

seriously I haven't met any guy that is even worth getting married too.

I don't think I have, either. People tend to think that's impossible and that it's really about you not being good enough

 

[JourneyRain]

I don't think I have, either. People tend to think that's impossible and that it's really about you not being good enough

Let me think about all the guys I have known. First, I need to get rid of all the non-Christian guys so that narrows it down to four guys out of list of 30 (No, I didn't date all of them some were just crushes-thank God for unanswered prayers!). One was dating my best friend and I'm still convinced they'll get back together, although I'm not sure if I was ever interested in him. Another was a good guy the best I've ever known but he got married to someone else. The other guy isn't just there spiritually or where I need him to be and he's now interested in someone else although a month ago he was all about me. The fourth guy was a minister but there was something a bit shady about him. Something just never sat right with my spirit regarding him. If I bring any of the Non-Christians into this--well it just gets worse.

Maybe my standards are high, maybe I expect too much but I have that right. I believe I am worth more then what I have been around or what I have been shown. I'm not going to lower my standards but I still want to get married someday.

 

[Saucy]

I've been struggling with singleness too, but just remember it's better to wait for that one person God wants you to be with than to choose you're own.

 

[mina]

YES! You and I are thinking alike on a lot of these things. The pain of unfilled dreams hurts especially when its something you cannot change. If I get married, I want it to be because God wants me to and I want it to be a good marriage. If I don't get married, I don't want to be told its because I'm not good enough or I can't handle it and that's what so many people say to us singles albeit unintentionally. Its a dream of mine and if it never happens, its because it didn't happen and yes it can hurt because its a dream of mine. Dreams change sometimes through our choices and sometimes because we are not willing to sacrifice for lesser things.

ITA. I have a lot of issues about love and romance and marriage b/c I have loved deeply and lost deeply. And it was someone worth marriage, he wasn't a horrible ungodly man; he's in the top 3 of godly people i've ever known. Marriage is still a dream of mine though. I only want to be married to a man that has high standards and loves God and lives for God, b/c I have high standards and love God and try in every way to live for God. It's a dream i've had for a long time and I agree with you ,journy, that dreams that are unfulfilled for whatever reason hurts- and it's not based on how godly you are, it's just a human reaction- even godly people have dreams for the future and when dreams seem crushed it hurts so much.

 

[moses916]

The Lord blesses and rewards the chaste and pure.

 

[rockwell]

maybe I am over-analysing everything that i hear and see but some dude from my church as he was sharing his testimony/morning devotional, said from the pulpit:

"I want everyone to hold hands or hug your partner and pray for her/him for a few minutes"

And i just lost it... i didn't say anything but my mind was revving at 10000rpms wondering why such an insensitive, stupid and idiotic comment would have come out his mouth in the first place. My wound is still open and it hurts so much to hear that kind of comments especially when singles like myself and many others are not acknowledged from the pulpit

 

[InTheFlame]

I can see how that would hurt. Definitely consider talking to him about it. But also keep in mind that in the end, it's our own response to other's comments that we have control over, not them!

 

[Alejandro]

This is a great discussion. And I feel your pain my friend.

But please let me share what God is teaching me these late days. I'm 26 and not worried about finding someone.. I was worried finding the right one. I prayed almost every day for someone.. until now.

God knows me better than I know myself, and I was trying to feel that gap or emptiness with someone else. God has taught me that only He can fill that gap. So I gave up with the fact that I'm looking for someone.. but I'm now asking this to my Lord:

"God please give me what you know is good for me, and fill me with your strength and Spirit. Please forgive me for asking my own will but guide me into your path"

And you know.. yes I'd still like to have someone.. but I realized that I need more of God that anything else. I might get the chance to meet the special one or not.. why worry.. Jesus might come tonight.. or tomorrow.. who knows. Let God give you what He wants for you.. not the other way.

You are not alone, and you know what's worst.. having someone and still feel lonely. And it may not be you the problem.. maybe your soul mate is not ready yet.. so pray for her.. Ask God to bring her closer to Him.

Many people will tell you about your age.. well you know what.. no one feels the same way. You are unique.. you are special.. be yourself. If other people like to be single well good for them. And being 22 and looking for someone is not ridiculous like someone said earlier. Every case is different, but God is always there for you.

 

[Feder]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm twenty years old and I've never even had a real boyfriend. It's a big bummer, and sometimes it makes me wonder what's wrong with myself? Other people are dating and marrying and I haven't even got one date yet! It's really disappointing, isn't it?

The only thing I can really tell you is to keep praying and waiting. Maybe God has someone special planeed for you but it's not the right time to reveal her to you yet.

 

[Silver Speak]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm twenty years old and I've never even had a real boyfriend. It's a big bummer, and sometimes it makes me wonder what's wrong with myself? Other people are dating and marrying and I haven't even got one date yet! It's really disappointing, isn't it?

Hey, I'm right there with you! Well, I've had dates but most times someone's interested I turn them down 'cause I just don't think it's worth it. The sad thing is, you don't need commitment to get hurt, though. I kind of wonder if I'll find a guy that I find worthy (well, not that they're not worthwhile but I just don't feel it) and yes, I'm worried too but then again, I'm in no rush to get committed to someone and don't think I'll marry in years.

 

[Alejandro]

Hey, I'm right there with you! Well, I've had dates but most times someone's interested I turn them down 'cause I just don't think it's worth it. The sad thing is, you don't need commitment to get hurt, though. I kind of wonder if I'll find a guy that I find worthy (well, not that they're not worthwhile but I just don't feel it) and yes, I'm worried too but then again, I'm in no rush to get committed to someone and don't think I'll marry in years.

May I ask you... what is a guy worthy for you? What must he have or be?

 

[refredo]

Not to make it sound easy, but it is the things that we get after really waiting that make us trully happy. If you hang in there the Lord surely won't let your time of devotion to Him be in vain.

Besides, there are many that secretly admire you. It could be that these guys that are sleeping around need some form of inner peace that has so far eluded them but you have. Keep in the race man!

 

[amiel]

maybe I am over-analysing everything that i hear and see but some dude from my church as he was sharing his testimony/morning devotional, said from the pulpit:

"I want everyone to hold hands or hug your partner and pray for her/him for a few minutes"

And i just lost it... i didn't say anything but my mind was revving at 10000rpms wondering why such an insensitive, stupid and idiotic comment would have come out his mouth in the first place. My wound is still open and it hurts so much to hear that kind of comments especially when singles like myself and many others are not acknowledged from the pulpit

I was going to say 'What country are you in? It sure sounds like you must have a much higher couple/single ratio there!' but then I realized your in my country!

Is it the Church or the area or what? Nobody could say that in my church because heaps of us are single.

 

[HMSSydney]

Brother rockwell,
I feel your pain and I will be praying for you, remember that you are a awesome man of God and He has a wonderful-awesome-super purpose for your life.


as "Alejandro" said it nicely, you might be ready and God knows that however you spouse may not be ready yet. I encourage you to pray for her and be strong. Life is not meant to be easy
Ephesians 3:20 says Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us (NIVUK) God can surprise you overnight; He has a plan for you, take it easy, step by step, day by day, dont rush! God is developing your character while you're single.

 

[Inne]

I dunno, I'm kinda the same with you there. I had this bf, but we broke up bcoz he's dedicated to someone now (married). We're still friends but it's different now. Anyway, sometimes I just give up on the dating world and on people because everytime I met a guy (or anybody) they're either happily married or happily taken, I may be jealous but I dunno. By the none of my friends sleep around. They're into a healthy relationship. We may be difference on the age there, but I think your story is not that much different than mine! My advice would be just pray and let God lead our life, we might not like the way he lead our life, but it's better than we try to do things our way which always lead to the dead end.

Hi everyone – It’s been a while since I last posted but I wanted to remind you all that I love all and every single one of you. I am in need of good advice; I have been struggling with my singleness for a while now and unfortunately I’m getting to the point where I just want to call it quit and give up on everything and everyone.

After years of bad and pointless relationships, deceptions, rejections and nothing but pain and sorrow in terms of relationships, things don’t seem to get any better. 90%, no kidding, of my friends at church, are already married; I just cannot take it anymore. Everyone for months now, have been saying stuff like “my wife is awesome”, “I was obedient and the Lord blessed me with a wife”, “I have the best wife ever” etc, etc. even from the pulpit. I might be over-reacting or jealous and I’m sure the Lord hates that but I cannot help it. I am not saying I am better that them but I am starting to feel so alienated and so different from everyone else. The church is going through a youth, especially female draught. Not many of us left

On the other hand, my school and college friends could not care less about serious healthy relationships; they either live with someone or sleep around. I am definitely not into that.

I want to get married when the Lord gives me the green light but I might be in the wrong place. Maybe it’s the Lord’s way of telling me to go. Maybe he’s just working on my patience and developing character. I want to have the passion for the Lord like I used to have, I wanna be happy while I am single, I want to overflow and look beyond myself but It’s just not happening.

Any words of advice, anyone feeling the same way?