Signs of a traumatic past relationship?

[LovebirdsFlying]

I recently saw the idea put forth that people who find a healthy relationship after experiencing a dysfunctional or abusive one tend to:

1. Thank their partner excessively.
2. Apologize excessively.

Now, it's true that some people expect a medal for doing the bare minimum of what they should be doing anyway. After that relationship is over, the former partner may assume the next one expects it too. Many abusers create trauma bonds by having been so evil and threatening that merely refraining from abusing feels like a tremendous act of kindness. Some who are accustomed to being abused tend to think like, "Hey, the last one hit me every day. This one only hits me once a week. Isn't he/she wonderful?" All of this could lead to thanking someone for just basic human decency.

And that's why the experts are saying that excessively thanking your partner may be a sign of abuse in the past.

Not quite sure I agree. Hubby and I both come from abusive backgrounds and bad past marriages. We do thank each other for doing everyday, ordinary things like paying a bill or emptying the dishwasher. But I think that's a good thing, actually. Much better than taking it for granted. We well recognize that these aren't grand feats of heroism. They are merely everyday things that need to be done. Hubby says that sometimes, when I thank him for something like driving me to the doctor when I'm not well, he'll think to himself, "That's not something you need to thank me for. It's my duty as a husband." But then he'll turn right around and thank me for vacuuming the living room. Again, I think that's a good thing.

Neither one of us has a tendency to apologize excessively, that I have observed, but I can see how that might develop. Maybe they were forced to apologize for their very existence in a past relationship.

What do you think? When would thanking or apologizing become excessive and unnecessary?

 

[A_Thinker]

I recently saw the idea put forth that people who find a healthy relationship after experiencing a dysfunctional or abusive one tend to:

1. Thank their partner excessively.
2. Apologize excessively.

Now, it's true that some people expect a medal for doing the bare minimum of what they should be doing anyway. After that relationship is over, the former partner may assume the next one expects it too. Many abusers create trauma bonds by having been so evil and threatening that merely refraining from abusing feels like a tremendous act of kindness. Some who are accustomed to being abused tend to think like, "Hey, the last one hit me every day. This one only hits me once a week. Isn't he/she wonderful?" All of this could lead to thanking someone for just basic human decency.

And that's why the experts are saying that excessively thanking your partner may be a sign of abuse in the past.

Not quite sure I agree. Hubby and I both come from abusive backgrounds and bad past marriages. We do thank each other for doing everyday, ordinary things like paying a bill or emptying the dishwasher. But I think that's a good thing, actually. Much better than taking it for granted. We well recognize that these aren't grand feats of heroism. They are merely everyday things that need to be done. Hubby says that sometimes, when I thank him for something like driving me to the doctor when I'm not well, he'll think to himself, "That's not something you need to thank me for. It's my duty as a husband." But then he'll turn right around and thank me for vacuuming the living room. Again, I think that's a good thing.

Neither one of us has a tendency to apologize excessively, that I have observed, but I can see how that might develop. Maybe they were forced to apologize for their very existence in a past relationship.

What do you think? When would thanking or apologizing become excessive and unnecessary?

My wife's first husband was emotionally abusive (for almost 20 years) ... and there are clear carry-overs into our relationship.

She does have moments of intense gratitude ... presumably, ... for my loving her and being a good husband, ... and she does apologize alot. It's clear that she used apology as a defense mechanism ... because it's so automatic as to be disingenuous at times.

She also is hypersensitive to anything which might be construed as criticism ... and believes that she must perform in a certain way ... to maintain the relationship.

What's clear is that any kind of abuse can leave emotional scarring ... and successive partners will have to navigate through and around that scarring for much of the time.

Which is not to say that anyone else (in a different situation) necessarily has it any easier. All of us carry baggage from the past into our relationships. I certainly bring my share ...

 

[Skye1300]

I've never been in an abusive relationship, but I believe in positive reinforcement over negativity, so I do a lot of thanking and showing appreciation. I was also raised under the biblical view of marriage with viewing my husband as the head. So I don't try to wear the pants. LOL But that's not because of past experience, just because of my upbringing, how I was raised, how my mom was with my dad.