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Sign of a Ghost

fuzzyjesusfreak

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Oct 7, 2006
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ok, first story here on cf so ill make this as good as possible, enjoy

Josh looked over the dim, deserted classrom, the windows broken, the desks and chairs broken and witten on. The blackboard up front at the point of falling off, the lights filled with dust, the walls seemed to sing their very sad song. He didn't even know, how he had gotten there in the first place, he was just, there.
Looking into a corner, something stirred in the darkness of it. His eyes opened in horror as a creature of the dark proceeded from the dark corner. Its face not visible, it didn't even have a face at all, so he thought, its black cloak over its hands, gliding over the ground feetless, it proceeded towards him.
Sweat trickled down his shaking forehead, the creature, a wraith, still came towards him. holding out it's sleeve, a skeletal hand came out of the dark cloak. Josh, looking for an exit, turned tail and ran, but there was no exit, even the windows seemed to push him away from them.
Finding himself in another dark, ed corner, he turned around, looking in horror, he saw the wraith standing there, holding out his hand. It glided towards Josh, not being able to move he was so scared, the wraith enclosed his hand on Josh's throat, picked him up and pulled down his hood to reveal a huge hole, a dark, menacing hole.
The wraith lowered Josh towards the hole, Josh kicked and cried for help, but noone came, it was is if the walls were laughing at him. His feet were beginning to reach the wraith's hole like mouth, he took one last cry for help, he was lowered into the wraith's mouth, the sound of grinding could be heard inside, he screamed a last scream and it was all over.

Josh shot up from his pillow, sweat rolling down his forehead and looked over at his clock, 3:46 AM.
"Ugh, what a nightmare." He said dropping back to his pillow, "Ew..." he said, feeling the drenched pillow, he pulled the covers over him and said a prayer of protection from these nightmares and went back to sleep.

"Josh, Josh get up!" His mother said pounding on his door, "Your going to be late for school, boy!"
Josh opened his eyes, seeing his messy room. Toys scattered over the floor, game cases, his xbox stood on his tv, waiting to be played, clothes filled the room with an unpleasant smell of body odor. He rolled out of bed and landed on the floor with a thud.
"Ow!" He looked down under his side to see an xbox controller, clutching his side, he got out of his polka dotted pajamas and put on some clean clothes out of his drawer, grabbed two different socks and raced down the stairs. He threw the socks onto the brown leather couch and raced down the hall and into the kitchen, on the table, he saw some oatmeal and orange juice, he guzzled them both down and ran back to the couch. He saw his mom standing there, with his back pack and lunchbox at ready.
"Mom, I'm not a little kid anymore, you don't have to get my stuff anymore, I can do it on my own."
"Well, I just thought I would be nice and get some of your stuff ready for you, since your going to be late and all."
"It's thirty minutes 'till school starts and it takes five minutes to get there, and your saying I'm going to be late?" He sat down on the couch and casually started to put on his mixmatched socks.
Looking at him his mom set his stuff by the door and went out to the parked car outside, "I'll bewaiting in the car Josh, don't keep me waiting."
Pulling on his new DC shoes, he looked outside, lost his balence and fell over.

Outside, he squeezed himself into the small vehicle, backpack on his back, reay to go.
"Well I won't be at home when you get there, so I want to lay some things down; no inapropriat websites, the TV is off limites untill someone gets home, lock the door and don't let anybody in, Josh looked out the window at the beautiful neighborhood. The houses alined neatly, evenly spaced and looked like bige cubes in the bright sun. He looked out with a bored expression while his mom blabbed on, "There is some turkey in the fridge, you got all that?"
"Yes mom, lets just go." and they drove off.

He tapped his pecile on the desk of his first and his least favorite class, math. He was so bored and off into space that he didn't even hear his teacher coming toward him. She slapped down a ruler onto his desk that made him jump. He looked up at his pointy nose teacher, "Josh, i suppose that you can tell me the answer to the problem on the board, go up there and write it out and tell the class how you got the answer." She said pointing to to board up fromt of the class.
he proceeded up to the board, hearing chatter and giggles from his classmates, "Tell us the answer to the problem three x squred to the fifth power times eight to the ngative sixth power."
He picked up a marker and brung it up to the board, but one thing happened then, his arm wen through the board. He looked at it in shock and yanked it back out unharmed, noone seemed to notice, "I'm waiting, Josh."
Sweat ran down his face and the teacher yealled at him, "Detention! For not paying attention and failing to answer the question on the board." His face turned red as some of his classmates laughed at him, "Do you all want detention too?" And in an instant, the room fell quiet. The bell rang after that happened.

Walking through the hall to his next class, his friend Ramond walked up to him, weaving through the sea of students.
"Hey, Josh! Wait up!" Ramond yelled at Josh, catching up to him.
"Hey Ray."
"Hey, why the long face Josh?" He asked, looking at Josh.
"I got detention."
"Psh, detention? It ain't so bad, I'v been in there a whole bunch, all you get to do is sit there and be quiet for thirty minutes."
"Oh really, well, what about you?"
"Well nothing much, yesterday my aunt came over and-"
Josh, looking up, he saw someone coming towards him, the person, he didn't even know, went right through him, yet, once again, noone noticed.
"And thats about it." Ramond finished turning to josh and slapped him on the back, "Hey, earth to Josh, whats wrong?"
"Hey," Josh asked, "did you just see that?"
Ramond looked over to him, a confused look on his face, "See what?"
"A, person, just went right through me..." Josh answered, looking over at him and wondering why he didn't see it. Ramond laughed at him and asked,
"Why would a person go right through you?" He asked, laughing some more.
"Quit laughing! Well, heres my next class." He said turning to the door on the right of them. "See you later."
"Later Josh." and he kept on walking.
Reaching towards the doornob, about an inch from it, he fell through the floor, falling through the darkness of it all. Landed in an old chair, his butt hurting, he looked up to see a man standing in front of him.
"Josh, I've been waiting for you..."
End of chapter 1
 

Evensong

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ok, first story here on cf so ill make this as good as possible, enjoy

Josh looked over the dim, deserted classrom, the windows broken, the desks and chairs broken and witten on. The blackboard up front ed at the point of falling off, the lights filled with dust, the ed walls seemed to sing their very sad song. He didn't even know, how he had gotten there in the first place, he was just, there.
Looking into a corner, something stirred in the darkness of it. His eyes opened in horror as a creature of the dark proceeded from the dark corner. Its face not visible, it didn't even have a face at all, so he thought, its black cloak over its hands, gliding over the ground feetless, it proceeded towards him.
Sweat trickled down his shaking forehead, the creature, a wraith, still came towards him. holding out it's sleeve, a skeletal hand came out of the dark cloak. Josh, looking for an exit, turned tail and ran, but there was no exit, even the windows seemed to push him away from them.
Finding himself in another dark, ed corner, he turned around, looking in horror, he saw the wraith standing there, holding out his hand. It glided towards Josh, not being able to move he was so scared, the wraith enclosed his hand on Josh's throat, picked him up and pulled down his hood to reveal a huge hole, a dark, menacing hole.
The wraith lowered Josh towards the hole, Josh kicked and cried for help, but noone came, it was is if the walls were laughing at him. His feet were beginning to reach the wraith's hole like mouth, he took one last cry for help, he was lowered into the wraith's mouth, the sound of grinding could be heard inside, he screamed a last scream and it was all over.

Josh shot up from his pillow, sweat rolling down his forehead and looked over at his clock, 3:46 AM.
"Ugh, what a nightmare." He said dropping back to his pillow, "Ew..." he said, feeling the drenched pillow, he pulled the covers over him and said a prayer of protection from these nightmares and went back to sleep.

"Josh, Josh get up!" His mother said pounding on his door, "Your going to be late for school, boy!"
Josh opened his eyes, seeing his messy room. Toys scattered over the floor, game cases, his xbox stood on his tv, waiting to be played, clothes filled the room with an unpleasant smell of body odor. He rolled out of bed and landed on the floor with a thud.
"Ow!" He looked down under his side to see an xbox controller, clutching his side, he got out of his polka dotted pajamas and put on some clean clothes out of his drawer, grabbed two different socks and raced down the stairs. He threw the socks onto the brown leather couch and raced down the hall and into the kitchen, on the table, he saw some oatmeal and orange juice, he guzzled them both down and ran back to the couch. He saw his mom standing there, with his back pack and lunchbox at ready.
"Mom, I'm not a little kid anymore, you don't have to get my stuff anymore, I can do it on my own."
"Well, I just thought I would be nice and get some of your stuff ready for you, since your going to be late and all."
"It's thirty minutes 'till school starts and it takes five minutes to get there, and your saying I'm going to be late?" He sat down on the couch and casually started to put on his mixmatched socks.
Looking at him his mom set his stuff by the door and went out to the parked car outside, "I'll bewaiting in the car Josh, don't keep me waiting."
Pulling on his new DC shoes, he looked outside, lost his balence and fell over.

Outside, he squeezed himself into the small vehicle, backpack on his back, reay to go.
"Well I won't be at home when you get there, so I want to lay some things down; no inapropriat websites, the TV is off limites untill someone gets home, lock the door and don't let anybody in, Josh looked out the window at the beautiful neighborhood. The houses alined neatly, evenly spaced and looked like bige cubes in the bright sun. He looked out with a bored expression while his mom blabbed on, "There is some turkey in the fridge, you got all that?"
"Yes mom, lets just go." and they drove off.

He tapped his pecile on the desk of his first and his least favorite class, math. He was so bored and off into space that he didn't even hear his teacher coming toward him. She slapped down a ruler onto his desk that made him jump. He looked up at his pointy nose teacher, "Josh, i suppose that you can tell me the answer to the problem on the board, go up there and write it out and tell the class how you got the answer." She said pointing to to board up fromt of the class.
he proceeded up to the board, hearing chatter and giggles from his classmates, "Tell us the answer to the problem three x squred to the fifth power times eight to the ngative sixth power."
He picked up a marker and brung it up to the board, but one thing happened then, his arm wen through the board. He looked at it in shock and yanked it back out unharmed, noone seemed to notice, "I'm waiting, Josh."
Sweat ran down his face and the teacher yealled at him, "Detention! For not paying attention and failing to answer the question on the board." His face turned red as some of his classmates laughed at him, "Do you all want detention too?" And in an instant, the room fell quiet. The bell rang after that happened.

Walking through the hall to his next class, his friend Ramond walked up to him, weaving through the sea of students.
"Hey, Josh! Wait up!" Ramond yelled at Josh, catching up to him.
"Hey Ray."
"Hey, why the long face Josh?" He asked, looking at Josh.
"I got detention."
"Psh, detention? It ain't so bad, I'v been in there a whole bunch, all you get to do is sit there and be quiet for thirty minutes."
"Oh really, well, what about you?"
"Well nothing much, yesterday my aunt came over and-"
Josh, looking up, he saw someone coming towards him, the person, he didn't even know, went right through him, yet, once again, noone noticed.
"And thats about it." Ramond finished turning to josh and slapped him on the back, "Hey, earth to Josh, whats wrong?"
"Hey," Josh asked, "did you just see that?"
Ramond looked over to him, a confused look on his face, "See what?"
"A, person, just went right through me..." Josh answered, looking over at him and wondering why he didn't see it. Ramond laughed at him and asked,
"Why would a person go right through you?" He asked, laughing some more.
"Quit laughing! Well, heres my next class." He said turning to the door on the right of them. "See you later."
"Later Josh." and he kept on walking.
Reaching towards the doornob, about an inch from it, he fell through the floor, falling through the darkness of it all. Landed in an old chair, his butt hurting, he looked up to see a man standing in front of him.
"Josh, I've been waiting for you..."
End of chapter 1
This was great! I noticed a few places that could use a period, and words mispelled. All in all it was great. You have a great gift with writing.

Blessings,
evensong.
 
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fuzzyjesusfreak

on the fuzzier side of life
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aw what the heck! ill post the new chappy

The mysterious man walked in lines across from side to side of Josh, he kept his eyes on him all the while Josh did, "What do you want from me?"
The man kept walking and hesitated, but reluctently spoke, "You...have noticed stuff happening to you the past hour...have you not?"
"No, nothing strange has happened to me..." Josh lied trying to keep safe, wiggling but was bound to the chair by some kind of invisible binds.
"Don't lie to me boy, I've been watching your every move since you got here, in first period, your hand went through the board and noone noticed, in the hallway, you walked right through a person and again, noone seened to notice, and don't you remeber, you fell through the floor and noone even tried to help your poor self..." He brought a small cylinder to his mouth and lit it, the smell of tobacco filling the air, alluminating his face to reaveal small round, black glasses that clipped onto his nose, brown eyes and black hair, "...and I can't let you get into the way of my plans." He reached into his shirt and brought out a small handgun, "This is your time, Josh..." And fired.
 
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leon4900

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I really like the premise of your story and the initial dream sequence was nice and spooky, just like the hand through the blackboard and the student walking through Josh.
The story is still like a piece of metal on the blacksmith's anvil that wants to become a sword, and it needs to get pounded into shape. Grammar and spelling. You've got the basic draft of the first part of your story, now you need to go through and check for how the language flows. When you rewrite, attention to detail is key. Besides the grammar, try reading the piece aloud and see if it sounds smooth and natural and that it fits the mood. The descriptives and flowing sentence length in the first part add to the dreamlike mood and that's what you want in that scene. On the flip side, an action scene would be helped by shorter, more direct sentences to quicken the pace.
Also, as a general rule, dialogue should be to the point and with minimum descriptives, though there are differing viewpoints on what is minimum. Like I said, try reading the piece aloud and see what sounds right, as it should translate well to how someone will take it when they read your story for the first time.
These are a couple things I learned while taking creative writing courses in college. Yours is a good story and I hope this helps you make it better.
 
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