SI and depression

[Loopi]

I come from a great church, my youth leaders are really supportive, until it comes to two things
The fact im depressed and that i SI. I know one of my leaders has bin thru similar things themselves, and i am.....was close to them, but since ive started to SI again, and been diagnosed with depression, they wont lsiten to me or talk
Its meant ive bottled a lot up inside and found it very hard to be real with my church, up to the point that i cant cry when im around them, and i feel like im not really a part of my church at all.
I struggle with my own self worth a lot and my dr thinks this is due to my poor home life, so its hit hard that the love i used to receive so freely from the church has been taken away
I cant understand why everyone seems to have deserted me, they all seem to think what i do is so bad, and i feel very unsupported. My faith often grows weaker as i hit strings of bad days and i feel much like i should leave my church.
My SH is gettin worse and im starting to feel that even Jesus has turned his back

 

[Psalms101]

God has NOT turned his back on you! I don't know why He is allowing you to undergo this rejection right now, bu tI can gaurrantee you that he has somehting MAGNIFICANT planned for your life, and that may be, this is the only way you can truely be prepared for something you will face in your ministry.Trust him, I think that that is something we ALL have trouble doing, but its like a football game. If you are actually there, then you know whats going to happen before the people watching it at home on the tv. Hypothetically, God is AT the game, he knows what's going on, but it takes us a while to understand what really happened. God Bless you, and pm me if you want to talk

 

[darketernal]

If you need someone to talk to, a hug, or a listening ear, you can always PM me I'm not an expert but i had my share in life.

 

[InvisibleExistence]

Hey Loopi.

I've been through the same things as you . My leader also used to have an ED and has told me that I can talk to him whenever. But I can't do that, because I'm afraid. You had the chance to talk and get close to your leader. Why do you think that they won't listen anymore? Have they told you? Perhaps they're feeling worried or you make them feel like they felt when they were going through the same things and this makes them sad. Get them on their own and thank them for helping you before, and then you can ask them why you can't talk to them anymore. CHances are they don't know they are making you feel like this.

If you want to leave your church because you're not comfortable there and you're not learning anything, perhaps it would be beneficial to start fresh. But don't leave the church altogether, you need to belong to a church to know Christians and to grow with and learn about God. We're like a flame.... if you take away the church (part of the fuel) then the flame will go out. Did that make sense?

And God has not turned his back on you. He is always there... I've done and thought this so many times but what you need to do is dedicate a whole evening / day to God and just pray about absolutely everything on your mind. God will be there in the room and if you want Him to, He will reach down and help you.

Grab that handle and open the door to Jesus. He will come in and help you with everything. This won't last forever. If things seem the worst they can be, then it can only get better.

Sorry for rambling. Writing all this also helps my state of mind as well and reminds me what I need to be thinking

I really hope you feel a lot better soon.

If you ever want to PM me, i'm always here to talk to.

Lots of love Jess xxxxxxx

 

[Crazy_nut_4_Jesus]

You know, youth leaders aren't really dependable these days. I never told them ANYTHING about my feelings or about my SI addiction. One reason is that I've always been a shadow at church. But you have to find someone to talk to about this. Whenever you start to SI, ask yourself, "Why am I doing this? Why am I hurting myself?". Totally think about it, because you should have a pretty bad reason to cut yourself... That doesn't mean you should do it if your life gets crazy. Journal or something. Listen to music. Try to get your mind off of inflicting pain on yourself. Instead of watching your faith shatter to pieces, try building it up. If you build up your relationship with God you can build up your life back. You can do it with God because he can bring you back even from your lowest points. I'm a walking example of a total miracle. Take care and if you need someone to vent to, IM me or PM me... I'm always free to talk.
Love always,
Becca

 

[Loopi]

its hard. i was...in someways still am.....close to my leader. And i love her to bits. I just wish she loved me too. I dunno, in my eyes im a loud member of my church, i love my church, i just hate ppl shunning me because of what i do. I know what i do is wrong, but i do try and stop this.
I SI because i was sexually abused when i was younger. and ive only just started to unrepress the memory. its scary and it scares me and it makes me hate me.
Im trying to get my faith back, i mean, if i had posted this a month or so back i woulda seemed like i never believed in god, but now i am starting, faithwise, to become more like i was before i started SI again.
Ive tried distractions, even tried tapeing my hands up to stop myself cutting myself. i try, and i fail. Im waiting to be referred to a psych but i wonder what good it'll do. if even those i love cant tlk to me, and i cant tlk to them, what good is seeing a proffesional gonna do
God Bless to you all
xxxxx

 

[WhereareyouGod?]

Hey Gurl, first off have a hug Sexual abuse is a hard thing to get over, if not hard impossible. I have had friends that are going through the healing process. You need someone you can talk to, it can be anyone so long as you feel you can be open with them about everything. When i found out my friend had been raped, i cried my eyes out, didn't sleep for days cos i was crying so much, i wished to God that it had been me. I didn't talk to my friend not because i didn't like her but because i didn't want to say the wrong thing, i didn't want to show her i was upset because i wanted to be strong for her. It might be that your church aren't talking to you because they don't know what to say to you, It's easier to blank someone out if they have difficult problems than it is to face up to it and accept it.

If I can do anything and i mean anything for you let me know.

Lova ya loads

You are beautiful

Lizzie

 

[ark_angel]

I know what you mean Loopi, I first started by talking to my youth pastor bout my SI but I didn't actually tell him, he sent me to his wife, which in turn sent me to the pastor's wife, which of course then my youth pastor found out the details from his wife, and now it seems like he hates my guts, like he can't stand being around me, it sometimes seems that way with his wife to but it is most relevant in my yourh pastor, and it seems whenever I am around that he like gets into this state of I dunno what, but he gives me this look like I know whats goin on, I don't know why, but I know what you are doin, I just can't talk about it right now or I don't know what to say. and those looks are starting to creep me out, seriously!! and it seems that I don't belong in the church no more, like no one really cares, even though I know the pastor's wife does and the youth pastor's wife, I mean the pastor's wife called me to see how I was doin today, which just makes it worse cause then I feel bad cause I have been SI and then they go and worry about me and lose some sleep over me, because of me.....it just makes things even worse for me, knowing I have someone else in life, it just makes me want to take my life even more then eveer before..... but my youth pastor I don't think he cares at all, i dunno maybe I'm crazy,
but seriously you need to talk to someone, hope in someone I helped

 

[TheMainException]

One thing that will always be true...JESUS HAS NEVER, AND WILL NEVER, TURN HIS BACK ON YOU!!!!!!!! My sister...get out of that church. I don't understand what is wrong with your church....man, I had a great relationship with my youth pastor (YP) before I started SI'ing...but as soon as I started talking about it and doing it....he viciously attacked me...but I just exaggerate...it was the kindest thing ever...it wasn't actually vicious...it was just very sudden, and very secure, and very tough....He made clear what he wanted and what I should do and not do...but he also made very clear that he loved me no matter what and that he would forgive me even if I lied a million times and kept cutting...he's always been there...and always will be. These people at your church seem to be going against everything that Jesus taught about. What you do is not all that bad...don't take this the wrong way...you shouldn't do it, I shouldn't do it...NO ONE SHOULD DO IT....but we do, don't we? The thing is...it's part of a disease...we may do it by choice...but like the alcoholic clings to the bottle for his false safety...so do we...it feels safe, it keeps us away from the pain within...and it may be wrong...but it's something that we need help with.....and they need to support you...either way...no matter what happens...I'm there for you and will support you, simply PM me...anytime at all...I'll get back as soon as I can....with love, Lauren

 

[Loopi]

http://timidshyquiete.proboards39.com/index.cgi
im an admin on a self harm help site. Its a good place if you need distracting or just a place to post and tlk about how you feel, theres boards for self harm, depression & ed. Theres a lot of other topics to distract u too. There are lots of crazy ppl (in a gd way) and not all are christian, but their still great!!!